Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Little Song Bird
Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.
I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.
Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.
No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.
I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.
Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.
No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Note to self:
Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.
Nine hours, three classes.
Hooray.
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.
TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:
English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE
English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--
Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR
Nine hours, three classes.
Hooray.
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.
TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:
English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE
English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--
Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR
Sick again.
My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.
Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.
I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.
My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.
Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.
I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.
I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.
If I get back into school God help my future roommates.
I can't focus.
I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.
I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.
If I get back into school God help my future roommates.
I can't focus.
I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.
Quote of the Day:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams
-Douglas Adams
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cyclic Nature
So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...
I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?
I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...
Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.
Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...
Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?
No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.
I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.
You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.
There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.
My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.
I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.
I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.
I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.
I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.
I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...
I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?
I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...
Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.
Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...
Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?
No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.
I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.
You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.
There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.
My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.
I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.
I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.
I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.
I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.
I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.
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