Onwards Through Doubt

Why does pain manifest itself as the chilly daggers of fear?

Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...

I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.

Jonah 4:10-11

God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?

"Army" - Ben Folds

A beautiful song...for a beautiful day...

"I protect that which matters most."
-Seraph

"Walk On" - U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate

I got nothing...I just wish the night didn't seem so long and the light I saw were something more than incandescent lies...

"It's so wrong, so far from true...I'm just like you."

Breathing...amazing how far the simple whisper of a Muse can take you...

I Hate Math

The worse case scenario is that I'll wait here, in this office, for forty hours this week...ten hours a day...and won't get seen at all.

The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...

That sucked.

I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.

On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.

Now...more waiting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postcholecystectomy_syndrome

Indefinite waiting while hoping for a canceled appointment.

Oie.

At least I'm here.

Yes!

This might be my future:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator

But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.

I just...yeah.

Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.

I may get in today, this week or in several months...

I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-

Turns out I have a chronic pain problem.

...seriously.

Now to play the hospital waiting room waiting game.

Sort of like who blinks first looses...

Tried to call...hope I didn't wake You...make you wonder and why...it was a simple Voice that woke me...He said Hi.

I'm...confused...sleepy and stressed...worried too...

But it'll be okay...

If I hear the phrase "reformed pastor" or just "reformed" in the sense of theological pretentious bollocks I'm throwing the TV out the window.

Seems like the numbers were falling right...almost like a Muse whispered in my ear about my personality...how when things change and get messy I tend to fall apart...I need to think deeper on those thoughts...find the way I'm supposed to walk...

Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...

On the plus side...have about ten hours to think after my last temper tantrum...I'm trying to keep people out of this hole I'm in...the pain is something that keeps me apart and it's almost...scary to let anyone in this far...

And why the fuck am I sleeping on the floor?

I don't understand that exactly.

I thought I was doing better...but now that I'm about to leave...there is a lot of anger, fear, annoyance, resentment and general enraged feeling deep inside me.

What the hell?

Seriously...of all the times she has to drag that ass along...I just honestly do not understand what the hell people think or do...I'm sick of this place, I hate this place.

I hate these people...this 'family'...this facade...it makes me physically ill...ironically...

The next time extra family decide to tag along...to make my medical trip into a mini vacation...and putting the guy getting poked and prodded on the floor...next time I think I'll just politely bite my tongue, tell them to shove off and I'll hitch hike my way to the hospital...

*insert angry mumbling*

The world has enough ego maniacs in my idols...so why do I feel the need to contribute?

Loose Change

Teach me to sing
'cause I lost my voice.
Teach me to breath
because You made me loose touch,
made me loose and I forgot how to breath.
For this first time You made me feel,
made me feel love.