"Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise "

"
death, it doesn't scare me thinking that you're somewhere on your way
i can't go on pretending i might never see the day
it's not hard for me to picture but makes me feel out of place
i hope i'm not afraid when i see you face to face

to some you're like a prison when they've yet to taste freedom
and maybe you feel bitter because Jesus broke your kingdom
once you felt so powerful and power made you happy
but now you're like a ferry boat
now you're like a taxi

when i die whatever you might say, don't say i'm gone
gone is not the word for someone who finally found his way back home"

Trying not to feel so...
Confused.
Trying not to feel so...
Bitter.

And all on my birthday too.

Broken Synapses

Another milestone,
the year out of the way
so why of all feelings
is a tightening like a millstone?

I want thing to work.
Words to rhyme.
Couplings to beings.

I'm tired and worn out that...I don't even know why.

"Lonely Day" - System of a Down

So...twenty-six.
Yikes.
This is awkward...

Sometimes caring at all is the hardest part.

You Know...

It's amazing how alone, really is alone.
Trying to hope...
So sick with bronchitis, strep throat, diverticulosis, anxiety, depression.

I wonder why.
Why.
Why.
I wonder.

Such vivid loneliness.
Palatable.
Tangible.
Painful.

Aching in my soul,
coursing through my blood
and ripping through my mind.

Caring was the first mistake.
Dreaming was just losing perspective
and pretending,
merely pretending
there was more than it seemed.

Quote of the Day:

"No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is."
-Donald Miller

Quote of the Day:

“Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”
-The Third Doctor

Day One of Unemployment

Working on working on working on things!!!

Except them to be on:

www.lamecreation.com
https://twitter.com/LordSquishy
http://lordsquishy.tumblr.com/

Besides job hunting I'm trying to fill my hours with productivity in order to keep the Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attack monsters at bay!

Caring, fighting and living take such effort.
Hope...somewhere.

Quote of the Day:

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Hrmmm

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

"All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Insomnia

Yeah.
It sucks.

Metaphor for the Evening

I think keeping a foot in the door while getting some fresh air may be in order.

Or even putting a door stop.

One long weekend that is only halfway over.
Can't do anything but go up from here!

I want to go Home.

"Where is the light that I thought I was promised?
Where is the truth and the hope and the way?
I’ve lost my footing, my spine, my eyes
Everything keeps slipping away
Where is the storybook ending?
The love, the joy, the laughter?
Is all there is just nothing at all?
Is there anything that matters?
Is this all we get for our lives?
And after everything, why is it still so lonely?
So blank, so dry, so numb?
Are we brought up just to crack and bleed out?
Unravel, coming undone?
Is this all we get?

Is this all we get for our lives?
Is this all we get?"

Psalms 81

"Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
I answered out of the thundercloud
and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah."
-Psalms 81:6-7


"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that is passes through
He unreleased His power at an unknown hour that no one knew
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice ?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness ?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride ?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns ?

Surrender your crown on this blood-stained ground, take off your mask
He sees your deeds, He knows your needs even before you ask
How long can you falsely and deny what is real ?
How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal ?
Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned
He's got plans of his own to set up His throne
When He return."
-Bob Dylan, "When He Returns"

All this pain and hope,
wrapped up and trapped in my bones.
The tears I cry from this soul
wishing to depart.

Your grace falls like rain
on this arid land.

Falling,
twisting,
turning
and lying.

Aching to kill my pain
and fall in Your arms.

Where am I going,
when I run
frighted
out of sync
with life
and reality.

How long,
how often
how long,
must I carry these lies
clutched to my side?


Everything before me feels so barren and so empty.
I keep trying to fill life with my lies.
To gorge on something to blank out the pain.
But everything fades, all the pain stops
and the dissonance becomes clear
when You draw near.

When I finally stop screaming hate at myself
it is You
only You
that makes sense.

All the pain, broken loyalties and confusion
become washed
and cleaned
by Your life and light.

Somehow and someway
You make sense of this pain.

Thank You.
Thank You so much for this love.
All the care, carrying and painful
and beautiful Love.

Nightmares about failing out of graduate school.
That is always reassuring.

All things considered, I'm alive.
And it is a beautiful thing.