"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but i'm not sure i'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

Psalm 30

"I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
“What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
-Psalm 30:8-10

Why add commentary where it might just take away the meaning?
So tired.
So sick.
So weak.
Why do I live?
What purpose is before me in this world?
The dust in my veins is filling my head and I'm tired.
So, so, so tired.

Hope lives.
Pushes it away through this weak heart.
Quick to turn.
Quick to fallacy.

Love.
Why?

This venom is so potent.
So quick.
So deadly.
So much pain.
And for what?

More hypocritical found judgement.
Destroying.
So murky.
So hazy.

"Oh the thought of what sets a person free
before I could ever love you back you gave your love to me
now I see my sentencing reprieved
you offer me your everything even though I am still me"

"Father, hear my voice, be it small
Here I am, though I am nothing at all
Dost thou still see something to love in me?
If it be, You will carry me away
That I might live today"

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

Five years later this song still sums up most of my life and struggles...



"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

So cold.
So tired.
Matters of matter mattering.
Falling in and out.

People bother me.

But really, it IS none of my business.

Or concern.

Or responsibility.

What was that loud crunching sound you just heard?

Oh yes.

'Persona 4' just crushed against my face because of flying through my television set because of the utter lack of a Fourth Wall.

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Psalm 27

"The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close."

-Psalm 27:4-10

Quote of the Day:

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
-CS Lewis

Of course.
More exalted royalty.
That seems to be a theme of my life actually...

Cascades at the Hour

Such painful beauty at such an early day.
Sun rises, sets
and slips in and out of mind.
Fair winds pulling at my hair,
with the words
they just slip
and keep on slipping through my fingers.

Words too good,
too strong
and too beautiful
for such a moment.

Heh...dark humor never gets old...

Thought of the Day:

If you have to go out of the way to request respect, there is a very good chance you are missing the point altogether.

Somethings in life make no sense.

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

To just name a few.

And despite my best efforts to flee...Love comes dragging me back.
Cropping up in some of the most unexpected places.

Impracticable Absurdism

1.Impracticable - The doctrine of "impracticability", in the common law of contracts, excuses performance of a duty, where that duty has become unfeasibly difficult or expensive for the party who was to perform.


2.Absurdism - In philosophy , "The Absurd" refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this context absurd does not mean "logically impossible," but rather "humanly impossible." The universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously.

"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.

Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.

It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned... (the broken are crowned).

If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."

Note to self: While having the moral high ground is good...in actuality, keeping it requires staying on the moral high ground.

Little less bitterness might go a long way...or at least somewhere...

Running, running.
Fleeing to what end?
Seeking to find what life?
Such silly and well meaning naivety.

All the choices of life
and the consequences of pain
mixed with be and being.

Why is it so easy to be so dismissive and cynical about all humans...?

Yeah...

People.

So...sad.

Meh.

...words.

I am far too efficient at changing flat tires.
Damaged the spokes by making them too tight.
I actually bent steel by hand.

Believe me my body feels the pain from the effort...

I suppose that shouldn't be anywhere as funny as I simply find it to be...

"October" - U2