Psalm 38

"I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind."
-Psalm 38:6-10

Contrary to the writer, I do not believe my frail and at times failing health is because of some specific sin, something akin to David's mistakes.

Sure I have original sin to thank for degeneration, aging, disease and clothing...but somethings simply have no single word or simplistic answers.

Yes...the depression, anxiety and PTSd are all related to various things...so many variables out of my hands...but so what?

I am an adult.
I have to take and be responsible even for things I never asked for in the first place.
All emotional, spiritual, mental angst and abuse may have not been intentional from some people...but the consequences and furthmore the pain is ALL REAL.

Not just delusions in my head.

Even the Fibromyalgia, the back/neck pain, migraines, muscle pain, insomnia and all the other physical manifestations are all valid and real as well.

I refuse to think I deserve this.
I refuse to think You Lord, do not love me.
I refuse to be a victim to the past, present or future.
Where I have made mistakes I will claim responsibility and deal with my crap.

"We are the few that won't say nothing right
We are the footsteps fading into the night
Nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and I say:
I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
But they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it
And I know I've done something wrong
All I know now is I got to do something... right"

I'm here.
I am alive.
I have survived.
I will continue to.
I will choose to love and be loved.
I need Your grace.
To push me, pull me, carry me, run with me and Love me.
I am weak, You are strong.
You are so beautiful and wonderful.

Thank You.
Thank you.

Perfection.

Heh.

What a psychotic and insane lie we tell ourselves.