Letting go...never seemed more appealing than now.
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...

And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.

*sigh*

People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.

I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...

But what is best for me?

Winding Down

Fallibility of life reaching out tonight,
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.

Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.

I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.

But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?

I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.

Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.

Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.

It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.


These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.

You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.

The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.

Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.

Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.

Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.

Yesterday's news, thrown out garbage.
Something, something, something...

Trying to recall a song that I have a small fragment of in my mind...

So let me be the first to say that having an internal infection where if I make the wrong sudden movement it could pop and kill me in a manner of hours is not only awesome but motivational as well!