Why does it seem like every time I try to go to church I get ridiculously sick?
I'm tired of migraines and being nauseated.
Was there really a point in my life where I wasn't nauseated every day?
Where almost every bit of food I ate made me feel like death?

Is this punishment?
For being so judgmental and not showing love?
Is this the price I have to pay for hurting people and pushing them from the cross?
If so...I am worthy of so much worse than this.


The future is wide open an that scares me...the possibilities make me feel the shame because I feel like it's doing nothing but revealing how shallow my faith is...


It seems like every time I feel I have something figured out...doubt, fear, pain all just creep up. My heart bleeds with this regret...and I just want...to be faithful.

That's all I ask.
All I want anymore.
With my living and dying breath I just want to be faith to You.
Nothing else matters.
Everything is fleeting.
Rip me from this comfort.
Love me, faithless wretch that I am.


"Just as you are
Just a wretch like me
Jesus is for losers
Grace from the blood of a tree

Just as we are
At a total loss
Jesus is for losers
Broken at the foot of the cross

Just as I am
Pass the compass, please
Jesus is for losers
I'm off about a hundred degrees

Just as I am
In a desert crawl
Lord, I'm so thirsty
Take me to the waterfall"

Ouch.
Migraine.
Soul disturbance too.
Hmm...