Peace...such beautiful peace.
=)

At the least I no longer am having Cymbalta withdrawals.
Hooray.

On the down side I really hate my schools inability to manage money.

We Christians are such a silly lot.

These Frail Hands

Whispers cloud my soul.
Tangents, broken thoughts, half phrased lies...nearly a quarter of a century of life runs through my mind at any given point...portraits of a past I mostly wish I could leave behind.

It feels like weakness to admit to how much...hurt is there.
But there reaches a point where talking about it does nothing but fuel the pain itself...it goes from an acknowledgment of insecurity and fear and pours directly into the 'how' and 'why' I despise myself the most of all humans.

Perfect Love drives out all fear...
I have seen it and felt it on a cosmic scale...beyond my own comprehension...I have seen only the merest fraction of what Love is and it is enough to destroy me if that tempest would not have been held back.

There are only a handful of people who actually make me speechless and can shut me up long enough for me to realize how often I speak just to be heard.
One of them is Divine and the other is a mystery that I worry I'll frighten off if I continue to act as myself.

I suppose being human...being alive...none of this was going to be easy...

The best thing I can do at any given time is just keep myself busy so I will stop trying to reassemble most of my life...I am not just trying to remember but I am looking for a reason to stop trying.

I never realized how easy it is to create circular tangents that only lead to more pain and confusion.

That is one reason I need a steady group of support (Magically refereed to as being a 'Church' in another time and place) is to keep me from being a danger to myself...if I can keep myself busy with projects and helping people...then I can stop chasing demons that may have never been there.

Or maybe I have this all backwards...

I honestly am not sure.
Life is getting better than it has ever been...is it just fears of being a failure? Or my inability to trust my Love to deliver me from these things?



Beauty has stolen my soul...my heart...that is something no human being has understood...I can't control this...I do not want to. I feel more assured of my Love and less of the inadequate terms we throw around...I never wanted symbols...I want to real thing...pure grace driven love that removes everything broken and impure...and replaces it with Love.

I want to become something beautiful...something I have never been.
I want to become more than this broken body and soul could ever be on their own...I need to be redeemed and brought back up out of this hole I have fallen in again.

I can't stand the shallow bastard son I am...I hate calling myself a Christian because I am anything but a reflection of Jesus. I am just this selfish and sickly jerk who can't even stay healthy long enough to...

It's not just feelings, emotions, doubt, fear, anxiety...it's not just THESE things, there is so much more that exists beyond this fragile glass life we try to cling to so desperately.

There is a part of me that wants to gather every fragment of my life, every memory, every paper and receipt...take them all and start a fire to burn away every last remnant of whoever 'Matt Pike' is. I'm not sure I ever knew him and I can't promise I would actually like him should we meet one day.

There are so many tangents just in trying to write about writing about thinking...so many people playing roles...I even typecast Jesus as being someone He is not...how can I have stable friendships or that stupid notion of...?

There is hope, beauty, love...such abstract terms finding absolute meaning only in the chief sins of our depraved behaviors to one another. It's only in taking Light to the absolute darkest areas can we see what Jesus meant when He talked about praying for those who hate us, loving others as much as we bother to love ourselves...

So conflicted, so convoluted...but oh so beautiful.
I never knew the Light was so beautiful until I could see the stars adrift in the sky from this living Hell of bad health.



"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way
When crippling anguish clouds our sight
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth
Set their claws to bring the night
Hold on, hold tight
Darkness can’t perceive the light
Though lightlessness has chilled us numb
And though its wings may cloud the skies
The dark shall never overcome
Light of the World
Your love has never failed

And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease"

Oh never let me forget where I have been...
Never let me forget the depths to which I have fallen but remember always that You have rescued me from.