Slept some...still feeling deathly though...need homework done...

No sleep.
Oh well, at least I've got the pain to keep me awake, going and company.
It just is not a very good conversationalist.
Most days.

...is it not bad enough that I have to deal with no sleep, stress, muscle twitching, being in a perpetually bad/depressed/mopey mood but nightmares?

What few minutes I sleep are vivid, terrifying nightmares.

I just...don't know.

I am far from being in a rational mind right now...almost no sleep this week on top of stress...and I found out I have ANOTHER presenation Tuesday while going through my class itinerary.

Is it too much to ask for a desk calendar?

I knew I was screwed, hands down, but this is looking to be the coup de grâce of my spirit at the rate things going.

My thoughts are following such a lack of any sort of order...I have myself worked up into such a perfect little ball of stress and I am forgetting to breath...and I thought this was going to be the year of trying not to whine all the time...but we see how quickly that went out the window.

Part of me wishes I could just get a hug while laying here...but just...screw it, there is no point anyway...a zero multiplied into a zero still only makes a zero. Nothing is nothing is nothing is nothing...or so it seems to go on about.

Maybe...just maybe a little attempt at sleep now...maybe...

Late Night Walks

I am tired.
Things are not very coherent right now but I'm trying to make sense of the long sadness I feel inside of me.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I haven't really slept much this week...just naps here and there to help baptize my already sick body and mind into getting a bit worse.

I want to run and hide from...what feels like fake light.
I want to see the truth I always miss
and see what in life that is not worth dying for
but the beauty worth living,

I have no doubt things will become even more redundant as things tend to make even less sense as they go along...and God knows I'm lonely but I can deal with being alone, just as I have had to deal with not eating and drinking as I would like.

My body protests a lot and apparently thee skills may allude me.

I am not sure how long that started but they are working on it...well are.

A two mile walk, a hot shower and a shave later...I still can't sleep...the walk and prayer helped...just...I need to formulate this better...so many loose ends...

Screw this...too much noise...too much on my mind...time for a walk...

I think studying systematic theology turns me off so much because of the abundance of holy language being reiterated every few paragraphs as well as the lack of actual systematic structure.

Call me crazy but if I wanted to actually map out beliefs and thoughts like this I would include charts and graphs.

As is I'm wadding through massive walls of text that take a lot to say little. Focusing is hard and ultimately it just leaves me feeling a little miffed.

I'm not even sure what I need to do to become more...open to studying and being willing to learn...this is so hard to focus on because I know so much about it that I do not care. I know enough to know that the people who actually spew this crap out verbatim are typically the ones I have the least amount of patience with because it feels like it is religion and less about any sort of vivid love...but that assumption of mine is inherently flawed because I'm trying to act as a judge and play God.

Ack.
I suck.
=/

Isaiah 43:10-13

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

Yeah...I now have "Nightswimming" by REM stuck in my head.
I wish it could be a more quite night...I'm stuck in the lobby trying to do homework while about two dozen guys run about acting like idiots.

I like having friends visit but I need to do work and...well...it's either this or Waffle House and I'll die before giving up my amazing parking spot.

Quote of the Day:

“To the frivolous, Christianity is certainly not glad tidings, for it wishes first of all to make them serious.”
-Soren Kierkegaard