I don't know how much longer I can just keep holding on like this, in whatever way I'm doing it.

I'm tired.

Just...I don't know how I keep falling back...like this.

Breathing

I'm not sure what I was thinking or what I am thinking now.

Things are so hazy and unsure...different paths...potential...with so much that can go wrong...so many hurt feelings...so much taken the wrong way...I'm afraid to speak much less stand up and make a decision.

I'm afraid if things keep going this way I'm going to just explode and do something rather rash.

But it is nice to say hello...even though digital portals don't convey enough feeling, enough emotion and soul...it is nice to say hello even when things don't exactly make sense and organic matter is failing to do its job.

It's funny...every time I start to feel like I'm going crazy or that the pain is in my head, I just sort of double over and sometimes try not to scream.

I mean, certainly that sounds over dramatic, I haven't screamed...more just low moans of pain amongst wondering why it feels God won't do anything...but it's a matter of perspective. Thankfully this isn't worse, I'm not on fire, right?

The nice comfort I can solace in right now is just moving forward.

In a sane pattern and into a world less known but better than the one I inhabit.

I'm choking on the noxious fumes from this toxicity...that I live in and around...memories that cannot and will not die...reminders of my own shortcomings and forthcoming demise...a cavernous sarcophagus painted in white and pale blue, filled to the brim with books and papers not doing a thing.

Part of the problem is me, no doubt.

But the problem is also outside as well as inside.

I'm not even negative or narcissistic enough to think I can be this bad...but I'm ready to leave it, the pain.

I just am not sure on how to stand up or on walking.

Crawling isn't the worst option at least...