There is this fear of mine that some wounds go to deep.

That some injuries can never fully heal, that the soul simply can only do so much before it has to give up and wait for eternity.

I hope that is not true but some days it does feel that way.

So much.

So so much.

Hard time focusing this morning, so much I would rather be doing than getting ready for six hours of monotony...I really just do not even care about what happens to the store...I'm away from this sinking ship after today and when I get my final two paychecks I can be quite happy to never look back...maybe happy...I'm not sure.

I'm just feeling a mix of emotions, you know?

It has been a long and stressful few months...or year rather...so my mind is not always screwed on very tight.

*sigh*

My muscles and body scream out in protest against being awake. Shivers of pain and cold. Sometimes I wonder how I have even been alive this long.

But how long is long?

Time is so subjective anyways...

Most of it doesn't seem to even remotely matter, at least from what I can tell of it.

*sigh* It would be nice to say hello.

And a bit more.

I hate how empty the nights are.

So much emptiness with so much room for improvements...maybe.

Maybe not.

But, all the same, hi.

Today is the last day of my job...I'm not sure how much I care.

You Just Don't Know

You just don't know how badly I wish I could explain everything in simple symmetrical terms.

The things that are far beyond our grasps could be reduced to three point messages and end with an upbeat message of hope.

I wish I could lie through my teeth and say everything will be okay when I know the alternative is much more certain.

The best I can ever say is to grin and bear it with Jesus as best as you can.

Find your reason why you are alive and then rage against the forthcoming night.

Rage, rage against that incoming darkness, that night of solitude of the soul.

This can't be the end.

These feelings, these desires in my heart...the unfulfillable need for absolute and unconditional love still burns and demands an answer from you.

I can't pretend anything or act any other way then that of which I deem to be truth and absolute truth.

I can't keep it up much longer tonight, my mind is too conflicted with too much pain.

I just need to be released from this shell of emptiness.