Sunday, October 12, 2008

Another mostly wasted day with worthless thoughts, worse than all of that they were stupid and pitiful.

I want to feel something more than I am, be something else.

But the problem I keep running into is that I am just me.

Nothing, nothing and nothing.

I want to scream to find some sort of answer, some sort of sanity and relief.

Recollections Going and Gone Wild

I've lost this ability to be transparent...I just want to mask everything in metaphors. Ever since I committed what feels like the unforgettable mistake of opening myself up to relationships while in college...it is just like my soul has done nothing but die.

This has been nothing but a constant downward spiral ever since I said that first yes and was naive enough to open myself up in hope towards incomprehensibly broken humans.

I honestly do not care how dramatic this sounds and you know, I think that is the point. The point is, is that it does hurt. Is that my life has been changed and that it has been a constant train wreck of bad decisions.

It hasn't all been bad, that is not my point but my point is that right now I am a byproduct of all of the bad decisions and bad investments of relationships.

What the hell is it with people and sex?

I'm so happy I'm still a virgin. Kissing can be do empty and devoid of meaning...I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into sex. If I honestly had as empty an experince with sex as I have with something as stupid as a kiss...seriously I think I would kill myself out of depression and despair.

It is tragic how stupid and shortsighted humans are. We look for purpose but only want something that keeps us entertained/feeling good about ourselves/feeling cool. As soon as anything that resembles commitment or sacrifices comes around we run like the cowards we are.

It is disgusting and just heart breaking.

I can't judge them because Jesus was smart enough to say that lusting is enough for someone to be guilty of committing adultery. The heart is where sin is born and my heart is this rotten and pathetic thing.

I just want to scream to the entire world about how senseless this all is, how human I am, how I don't want to care anymore but I do.

I'm sick of being stuck with conditions I never asked or desired to experince. I miss being a child with no real understanding of good or evil, at least I could enjoy life. Now...oh ho, NOW since I have a degree in Jesus and have had my heart ripped apart I know what good and evil is.

I have discovered how everyone lies and no one is good. Everyone is a selfish and apathetic person wanting to run away from the first sign of someone else being human. You may have a small minority who are somehow born more innocent than the rest of us...but I know I am not. I am dirty, angry and exhausted.

I have lived in this disgusting mud for what seems like eternity.

I scream and rage against the walls of this prison and all I get are odd looks. The next person who tells me 'You are only human.', 'Stop thinking and enjoy life' or 'It's okay to be human' are going to get punched in the face. I know I'm human, I can't turn my mind off and be like you and I sure doubt I will ever be comfortable with being something that is not perfect.

It feels disgusting to be made to feel like a freak...simply because I actually bother to see the truth. For bothering to point out the inherent hypocrisy that others so willingly embrace and to know that most everything is forever and ever pointless and devoid of any substantial meaning other than the absolute finite and pathetic 'meaning' we attribute to it.

I can't hide the truth of my hate, my angry, my loneliness, my pain, my isolation and my overwhelming disgust anymore. Being human...being alive feels like nothing more than this living plague where my natural desire is to use and destroy everything around me.

Love?

Don't make me sick.

I hate that word. I've used it in so many ways that it makes me want to vomit.
This stupid lust, those disgusting kisses, those wasted memories those ever growing feelings of being used and just being a piece of meat...yeah baby it was great and all except for the part where seeing your face made me want to shoot myself. Every little reminder is like having a hot knife shoved repeatedly into my stomach and pushed even deeper.

My first love? Never. No more of a need to talk about it because I'm sure she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm not crazy, crazy people do not stop to wonder if they are crazy. About every fifth thought I have is a worry about being crazy. I'm only crazy in the sense that people would ideally wish for me to shut up or maybe hope I can ran over by a truck or something.

No one wants to face the idea that they consist of nothing more than hypocritical lies that will add up to and mean nothing.

I'm tired of feeling empty and that everything I do is trite and meaningless.

I'm so tired from screaming all of this, I'm so tired for being so broken and hurting.
I'm sick of just everything that I am and I so want to be freed, again.

I can't handle this much longer. You know how much longer I can go before I break down, please keep this in mind. If I break again I have no doubt it will be my last and I won't be able to recover. I need something now before I fall off this cliff, i need something real that can only come from you.

Please.
Somehow I have acted as though my words have meaning,
as if by my feeble expressions I can shift the unknowing
and somehow bend the impossibilities of the eternal
into some comprehensible understanding.

All that is comprehensible in this
is my ignorance and fallacies.
These pretty words painted on porcelain,
hues made to match the stained glass of your mind.
These pretty useless artifacts
serving to only raise our thinly veiled narcissism.

The glass breaks and shatters
cutting flesh and opening the soul with wounds
beyond the surface.
Showing the ugly side of being human,
this lust for pleasure
and hatred of anything pure.
Disgust for anything other than myself.
This narcissistic love.
I hate how freaking pointless almost everything is.

Yeah, you too.