Friday, April 25, 2008
Copied from Myspace
((This was just copied directly from myspace...i know thats the place where anyone reads anything...just figured i would put this here for archive purposes))
Forward:
First, to answer what is no doubt a burning question in some people's minds: No I am not dead. I am sick and imagine this isn't what feeling dead feels like, so allow me to assure you all that until you get a memo from me informing you of my untimely demise do not believe everything you read online or assume the worse because I am the kind of jerk who can never remember to return phone calls.
Secondly, the following is some of the material I have been working on in the past six months. I tried to organize it into a somewhat ordered form that might give a better sense to what would otherwise be a very loose exercise in masochism that the uninitiated might confuse for reading.
The more layers I pull back of myself the more I realize of how unable I am to share myself with others. It is much easier to escape into created worlds of self delusion then it is to openly embrace that which we would never rather face in the first place. Psychoanalysis isn't needed because I already know that I am nutter, but bottom line it just doesn't look very good on a resume.
Assuming you have the guts to continue on past this very late night migraine afflicted rant you will find about a dozen poems or so. They have themes ranging from love, love lost, faith, doubt, confusion and the only comfort I have found in this world.
How do you explain a rose to a person that lacks the ability to see and smell? How do you begin to explain the bright colors and fragrance that are in stark contrast to the monotone and stench filled world we inhabit? I find myself in the same problem with what it is I am and who I am becoming. My life is being shaped into something I simply don't understand and even with trial and error the overarching theme eludes me.
However, as little sense as it may make it is going.
For the attention deficit among us I'll sum it up this way:
"Jesus loves you and I am trying. Really, I am."
Thank you, good night and Godspeed;
-matt
** ** ** ** *
I.The Only Things I Hate More Then Myself is Your Smile (But Other Then That I Think I'm Starting to Like You)
You, you said I was too immature
My music collection too
Was it so hard to see the difference
The smiles and the lies
The long burning days while we
Held onto this false yearning
The soft frozen nights we would
Neglect the fact that we were chosen
To see the difference of a life
Building a world of our own
The differences it made
The days we live
The nights we lie
Could you look past yourself to see the light,
to see this day and its last dying ray,
to feel and embrace the sight of what
could only be said to be today?
II. Just To You
Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.
The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.
Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires
I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you
On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be
III.Distance is More
Our distance is the everything.
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love
IV.Proverbial Please
Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool's old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way
Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have
The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore
A litter not born
A few. Just a few more.
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore
The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way
See us weep it out, our dearest little TV.
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea.
We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats
V.Small Words
Some things may be spoken
Others rhymed
Half breath statements barely alive
Some things can be said
Others must be emphasized
Bold words largely revised
A breath of air in the dark
Large falsehoods painted in red
Embolden by their vulgar stark
What, a plea outside for the inward dead?
Acting so free with that life,
Casting about with those looks so trite
Affection never rang so true
Except by words you said
This pride could be said
Vernacular demised.
But some things are better left unsaid
At least until they are screamed
VI.No Word Free
There are no words free that i may use to describe everything you are, all that you are and all that you will be.
Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.
Your name unspeakable, my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.
In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.
VII.Just a Moment Really
Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life
It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears
If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life
Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie
If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?
VIII.Hmph
I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.
Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.
The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.
IX.Of Pearls and Swine
Throwing these pearls to swine,
stomping and eating this trash you vomit.
Finely ordered trash on which we dine
The stench, the sweat, the pain indeed
The look of your grin
Makes me so sick within
God save me from this Hell we're in.
Every second of this wasted life
Mucking about in our trash
We vomit Your name in excess
Wasted like a crashed, finely tuned to trite metaphor
Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defacing
Feed up
Eat down
Swing about
Swing in
Sing out
Swine wasting
Swine tasting
Swine debasing
All within
Vomit all out and reject it within.
Hate all you never seen,
within the outside
The lies we spin
so we sleep at night
With fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin
Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played back for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies
God save us from the Hell we're in
Every wasted trite attempt at life
Mucking about in out trash
We vomit up your name in excess
Wasted like our final metaphor
X.Masochism Momentary
These nails they dig as they fall
Bleeding bright sentimental folly
The sky Eclipsed in red
Blind (as) we crawl
Oh The death of me
At the life of thee
Wrapped in tithes and falling free
If I didn't feel such love
I think I would send a rose
Letting the sentiments fly
Rise above like a blackened dove
Flowing tears
No one to hold you as they dry
If it wasn't for the love in my heart
I wouldn't know how to hate
To drive the nail into your hand
The spear into your heart
Letting my word spite and grate
Boasting myself
As your blood dries in the sand
XI.Juxtaposition.
Father, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.
Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.
Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.
Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.
Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.
Be still my beating heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.
Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.
Wake, burn.
The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.
Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.
An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.
XII. Epilogue
The wind whispers so sweet
Aloft in its own concerns
Swift in dives and feats
Never a concern to those below
The intricate intoxities of such a fragrance
Minds jolting as much as the heart
An open invitation
To be arm within arm
Close as a dance
Burning little darts
This is not why you came
The reasons are posted in within
Lacking foresight into your self
You will move forward only when its possible
To promote and create for the bare sense self
Nothing will be of such a mind forever
Neither You, nor I, nor me nor I.
Speak.
Breath in life.
Breath in me.
Forward:
First, to answer what is no doubt a burning question in some people's minds: No I am not dead. I am sick and imagine this isn't what feeling dead feels like, so allow me to assure you all that until you get a memo from me informing you of my untimely demise do not believe everything you read online or assume the worse because I am the kind of jerk who can never remember to return phone calls.
Secondly, the following is some of the material I have been working on in the past six months. I tried to organize it into a somewhat ordered form that might give a better sense to what would otherwise be a very loose exercise in masochism that the uninitiated might confuse for reading.
The more layers I pull back of myself the more I realize of how unable I am to share myself with others. It is much easier to escape into created worlds of self delusion then it is to openly embrace that which we would never rather face in the first place. Psychoanalysis isn't needed because I already know that I am nutter, but bottom line it just doesn't look very good on a resume.
Assuming you have the guts to continue on past this very late night migraine afflicted rant you will find about a dozen poems or so. They have themes ranging from love, love lost, faith, doubt, confusion and the only comfort I have found in this world.
How do you explain a rose to a person that lacks the ability to see and smell? How do you begin to explain the bright colors and fragrance that are in stark contrast to the monotone and stench filled world we inhabit? I find myself in the same problem with what it is I am and who I am becoming. My life is being shaped into something I simply don't understand and even with trial and error the overarching theme eludes me.
However, as little sense as it may make it is going.
For the attention deficit among us I'll sum it up this way:
"Jesus loves you and I am trying. Really, I am."
Thank you, good night and Godspeed;
-matt
** ** ** ** *
I.The Only Things I Hate More Then Myself is Your Smile (But Other Then That I Think I'm Starting to Like You)
You, you said I was too immature
My music collection too
Was it so hard to see the difference
The smiles and the lies
The long burning days while we
Held onto this false yearning
The soft frozen nights we would
Neglect the fact that we were chosen
To see the difference of a life
Building a world of our own
The differences it made
The days we live
The nights we lie
Could you look past yourself to see the light,
to see this day and its last dying ray,
to feel and embrace the sight of what
could only be said to be today?
II. Just To You
Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.
The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.
Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires
I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you
On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be
III.Distance is More
Our distance is the everything.
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love
IV.Proverbial Please
Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool's old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way
Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have
The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore
A litter not born
A few. Just a few more.
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore
The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way
See us weep it out, our dearest little TV.
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea.
We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats
V.Small Words
Some things may be spoken
Others rhymed
Half breath statements barely alive
Some things can be said
Others must be emphasized
Bold words largely revised
A breath of air in the dark
Large falsehoods painted in red
Embolden by their vulgar stark
What, a plea outside for the inward dead?
Acting so free with that life,
Casting about with those looks so trite
Affection never rang so true
Except by words you said
This pride could be said
Vernacular demised.
But some things are better left unsaid
At least until they are screamed
VI.No Word Free
There are no words free that i may use to describe everything you are, all that you are and all that you will be.
Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.
Your name unspeakable, my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.
In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.
VII.Just a Moment Really
Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life
It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears
If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life
Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie
If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?
VIII.Hmph
I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.
Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.
The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.
IX.Of Pearls and Swine
Throwing these pearls to swine,
stomping and eating this trash you vomit.
Finely ordered trash on which we dine
The stench, the sweat, the pain indeed
The look of your grin
Makes me so sick within
God save me from this Hell we're in.
Every second of this wasted life
Mucking about in our trash
We vomit Your name in excess
Wasted like a crashed, finely tuned to trite metaphor
Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defacing
Feed up
Eat down
Swing about
Swing in
Sing out
Swine wasting
Swine tasting
Swine debasing
All within
Vomit all out and reject it within.
Hate all you never seen,
within the outside
The lies we spin
so we sleep at night
With fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin
Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played back for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies
God save us from the Hell we're in
Every wasted trite attempt at life
Mucking about in out trash
We vomit up your name in excess
Wasted like our final metaphor
X.Masochism Momentary
These nails they dig as they fall
Bleeding bright sentimental folly
The sky Eclipsed in red
Blind (as) we crawl
Oh The death of me
At the life of thee
Wrapped in tithes and falling free
If I didn't feel such love
I think I would send a rose
Letting the sentiments fly
Rise above like a blackened dove
Flowing tears
No one to hold you as they dry
If it wasn't for the love in my heart
I wouldn't know how to hate
To drive the nail into your hand
The spear into your heart
Letting my word spite and grate
Boasting myself
As your blood dries in the sand
XI.Juxtaposition.
Father, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.
Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.
Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.
Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.
Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.
Be still my beating heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.
Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.
Wake, burn.
The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.
Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.
An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.
XII. Epilogue
The wind whispers so sweet
Aloft in its own concerns
Swift in dives and feats
Never a concern to those below
The intricate intoxities of such a fragrance
Minds jolting as much as the heart
An open invitation
To be arm within arm
Close as a dance
Burning little darts
This is not why you came
The reasons are posted in within
Lacking foresight into your self
You will move forward only when its possible
To promote and create for the bare sense self
Nothing will be of such a mind forever
Neither You, nor I, nor me nor I.
Speak.
Breath in life.
Breath in me.
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