"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes"
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Psalm 60
"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless."
-Psalm 60:10-11
What are humans?
What help is our broken race?
Every breath is labored and it seems we are all merely a step away from utter destruction.
There is so much beauty in this life, despite the pain.
Despite all the pain I cause.
How can I be so...
Do you know the words I dare not whisper in the night?
Why?
This nature makes no sense.
Everything comes and goes...changes so quickly...
But thank you for life.
I worry I am walking alone and You come to me and whisper love and carry me in my intense pain.
With all the aches in my soul and body...the failings of heart and life...You have been so faithful, You have loved me...how can I ever say anything but I love You?
Even though I have never truly loved you...I want to...I want to learn how...teach me, keep me near...please do not leave me to my sin...but wash me, renew me and give me wings to fly again.
Give me hope and strength so that I may proclaim Your love by my life.
For You.
For You alone.
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless."
-Psalm 60:10-11
What are humans?
What help is our broken race?
Every breath is labored and it seems we are all merely a step away from utter destruction.
There is so much beauty in this life, despite the pain.
Despite all the pain I cause.
How can I be so...
Do you know the words I dare not whisper in the night?
Why?
This nature makes no sense.
Everything comes and goes...changes so quickly...
But thank you for life.
I worry I am walking alone and You come to me and whisper love and carry me in my intense pain.
With all the aches in my soul and body...the failings of heart and life...You have been so faithful, You have loved me...how can I ever say anything but I love You?
Even though I have never truly loved you...I want to...I want to learn how...teach me, keep me near...please do not leave me to my sin...but wash me, renew me and give me wings to fly again.
Give me hope and strength so that I may proclaim Your love by my life.
For You.
For You alone.
What a nice and fun day...glad to just...see friends, get some work done...get away from a lot of the stress...despite the fact I'm putting myself in a bit more.
I mean...there is...
Sometimes it may just be better to say nothing.
Biting my tongue is not a talent I have...but I think I have screwed up enough lives in recent memory...that it may be best to retreat for a while...pray, gather my thoughts...and hope solitude isn't where I will spend the rest of my life...
I mean...there is...
Sometimes it may just be better to say nothing.
Biting my tongue is not a talent I have...but I think I have screwed up enough lives in recent memory...that it may be best to retreat for a while...pray, gather my thoughts...and hope solitude isn't where I will spend the rest of my life...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Mysticism keeps men sane. As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity...the whole secret of mysticism is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand. The morbid logician seeks to make everything lucid, and succeeds in making everything mysterious. The mystic allows one thing to be mysterious, and everything else becomes lucid."
-G. K. Chesterton
-G. K. Chesterton
Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.
Meanderings through Miry Clay
I only like to pretend it is easy to mistake Your voice for something I want.
I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.
Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?
Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?
I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...
The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.
The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...
...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.
The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.
I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.
Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?
Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?
I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...
The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.
The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...
...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.
The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.
Matthew 18:1-9
"About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?”
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
Psalm 59
"You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,
for you, O God, are my fortress.
In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
-Psalm 59:9-10
I have no strength right now.
I am so weak.
I feel so tired.
I just am exhausted.
I ache.
Do you understand?
Do you feel the pain I am talking about?
Do you know how I feel right now?
As though I am caught in between two worlds...not truly on earth or in eternity...but this incredibly painful mishmash of the two.
I am so tired of hurting...of disappointments, of pain, of feeling so weak and empty and just...burned out beyond understanding.
So dry.
So empty.
I can't breath...I feel so far, far, far from You or from understanding.
You are supposed to be my strength...yet You feel so far away right now...as if You were nothing but mere wisps on the furthermost reaches of my mind.
But I have hope this will not last forever...I long so desperately for You...You are my life and my Love...and never shall we parted...so soon...oh so soon...
for you, O God, are my fortress.
In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
-Psalm 59:9-10
I have no strength right now.
I am so weak.
I feel so tired.
I just am exhausted.
I ache.
Do you understand?
Do you feel the pain I am talking about?
Do you know how I feel right now?
As though I am caught in between two worlds...not truly on earth or in eternity...but this incredibly painful mishmash of the two.
I am so tired of hurting...of disappointments, of pain, of feeling so weak and empty and just...burned out beyond understanding.
So dry.
So empty.
I can't breath...I feel so far, far, far from You or from understanding.
You are supposed to be my strength...yet You feel so far away right now...as if You were nothing but mere wisps on the furthermost reaches of my mind.
But I have hope this will not last forever...I long so desperately for You...You are my life and my Love...and never shall we parted...so soon...oh so soon...
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Everything that was and will Never be
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.
Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.
I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.
Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.
Hope.
Hope.
God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.
Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.
I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.
Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.
Spiraling Out of Control
Seeing life as I see
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.
It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.
Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.
Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.
What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.
It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.
What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.
I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.
This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.
It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.
Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.
Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.
What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.
It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.
What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.
I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.
This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.
Quote of the Day:
"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Psalm 53
"Only fools say in their hearts,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1
I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.
It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.
I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...
But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.
This...none of this...is right.
Help me start...anew.
Please.
With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1
I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.
It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.
I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...
But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.
This...none of this...is right.
Help me start...anew.
Please.
With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Psalm 50
"Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6
Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...
Such utter madness.
And for what end?
You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.
I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6
Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...
Such utter madness.
And for what end?
You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.
I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Christians are all wounded healers-wandering sheep who are now shepherds. We are fish who are now fishermen and fisherwomen. We are the cracked, broken and chipped bricks of the house of God that now form a cathedral-little shards of tile and glass that fit into a larger mosaic."
-Mike Sares
-Mike Sares
Psalm 49
"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9
There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.
I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.
I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.
Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...
I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.
After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?
It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.
"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me
I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9
There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.
I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.
I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.
Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...
I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.
After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?
It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.
"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me
I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"
Friday, June 18, 2010
I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.
The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.
I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.
Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?
I am just me.
The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.
I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.
I want to just be me...whoever that really is.
People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.
In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.
The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.
I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.
Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?
I am just me.
The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.
I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.
I want to just be me...whoever that really is.
People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.
In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.
Psalm 48
"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1
The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?
I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.
There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.
You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.
I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1
The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?
I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.
There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.
You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.
I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Psalm 47
"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4
Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?
I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...
Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.
You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.
Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.
More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.
You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.
Please.
"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4
Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?
I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...
Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.
You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.
Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.
More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.
You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.
Please.
"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Late Morning Musings
Living here with John, Josh and Carrie has been one of the best decisions I have ever made...I don't sleep well, there is almost always a huge pile of dishes, there is relationship drama...but there is actual love and caring.
Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.
I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.
I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.
No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...
My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...
What a change.
Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.
I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.
I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.
No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...
My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...
What a change.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Psalm 45
"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1
I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.
I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...
I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.
I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.
Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.
You know?
I want to move forward...wherever that may be...
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1
I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.
I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...
I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.
I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.
Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.
You know?
I want to move forward...wherever that may be...
Wisdom of the Day:
Matt: "Eventually life gets to a point to where it is so bad that it is not actually bad anymore."
John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."
John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."
Considering how everything is going...that wasn't totally unexpected...but as callous as this sounds I have more important things to deal with at this moment.
The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.
I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.
Thanks again.
The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.
I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.
Thanks again.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Psalm 43
"For you are God, my only safe haven.
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2
I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.
It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.
I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?
I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.
I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...
Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2
I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.
It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.
I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?
I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.
I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...
Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?
"The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
