Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.

I miss being excited.
Living life in anticipation.
Having conversations that stimulated and drove me to want to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

However, as of late, there has been months of pervading melancholy. 

I am sleeping in a more healthy and productive manner, eating better, taking vitamins and bothering to exercise in all senses...but there is still this pervading hole.

Sigh.

More Medical Fun

So my chiropractor is really concerned about my migraines, neck pain, vision issues and is wanting me to see a neurologist for a MRI and CT scan.

That is terrifying in the least.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Yeah.
Another day.
More work.
More being tired.
Yeah.

Life continues...

Psalm 25

"Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress. 
 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all! 
 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins."
-Psalm 25:16-18

So much trouble.
So much pain.
Time rushes and falls.

Yet again here I am.
My life falls like grains of sand
trapped in Your hourglass. 

Remember me now and as the grains fall.
Soon everything will have passed
except for the eternal.

Wash me of my broken sins, the failures I hide from everyone and even attempt to hide from you. Please renew your Spirit within me...give me grace because I cannot handle this on my own.

I'm too tired.
Too broken.
Too confused.
In too much pain.

But I need You.
I love You alone.
You, You are everything.
My everything.
Now and forever.

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Realizing I was having dreams woke me up from sleep.
That is a bit ironic...

Quote of the Day:

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

"There Must Be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

"There Must be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

There must be something in the wind
That wants me to die
To leave all this behind
To let go of these chains
And let them fall
It's like I've always known you and
Still don't know who you are

And I can hear the thunder roaring
From a distance
And it's me on the shoreline
Slowly but surely
You're moving closer
And you're pushing the water
Yea you're pushing the water
Please come wash over me

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache
That's creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have

I'm waiting for you

Open Window, Fresh Breeze

The sun hovered just beyond the horizon this morning, hiding behind endless layers of clouds. The light has not been too bright and the early morning hours never really got beyond hues of blueish gray.

You can smell the city on the breeze.

A bizarre mixture of fast food, oil, smog and pollen.

The sound is just as mixed with the calls of birds, reeving of motors and the occasional cries of a person or cat.

I wish it was possible to make sense of what is going on inside of me...as I can with what is going on outside the window.

There are proper nouns, objects, places, people and things...and inside of me there is this raging sea full of so many insufficient metaphors which seem to make less sense as the days go by.

Is this normal?

Surely I'm not the only one to question the reality of the world.
How we can be created to feel so much good and bad...and how a good God does Love.
It's far more painful to be Loved than ignored, hated or rejected.
Love drives in between the scales of armor and pierces the heart like nothing else can hope to ever do.

If you ever want to destroy someone totally, do not use hate.
Use love.
It rips apart the fabric of their very being and in its place...something new grows.

And this raging sea persists.
Tides rise and fall.
Cycles begin, end and than continue.
Day in and day out.
Hours and seconds tick away.
Those ticks become a black mark on the calendar by my door.

This madness we call life.
We live, we live and we live.
Every second with static and noise that only sometimes makes sense and in those miraculous moments somehow life happens in all of its imperfectly beautiful ways. 

On Depression

Perhaps the worst part, certainly the most annoying, aspect of depression and anxiety is this feeling of suffocation and fear.

It is all irrational.

There is very little basis for any of it.

And yet...the struggle is so hard.

It matches the physical pain of the fibromyalgia in terms of stress.

It's like having a weight on my soul while my spine is alight from pain.

This is frustrating beyond belief.
But I also choose to believe there is Hope.
Hope that I did not merely choose but chose me as well.
Hope to carry on.
Hope for strength.
Hope for Love.

Even while I feel like this bed has become a prison cell and that no one hears me...there is hope that someone, somewhere can read this and relate...and know they are not alone.

None of us are truly alone.
We may not get what we want out of life.
Things rarely go according to plan.
But at least Love still flies.

And another day...another chance, another breath and another means of living.

The more time I spend around these...humans...the less certain I am about what hypocrisy is...and I dare say I feel like I DO need to love myself...

"Where is everybody?"

I hate that feeling of depression...that pushes things to where you do not want to do anything.

Apathy is annoying.

Badgering and beating.

Trying to breath at times is hard.

But every time I stand up, every day I get up out of bed and keepkicking things around...it gets just a little easier.

Every time.

It's hard to stand up.

But time to stand tall and not give up.

Time and time again.

Ouchie.

I'm really tired of being in pain so often.

It stars to wear on the sanity after awhile.

Late Night Thinking

Still trying to work out thoughts.
Not happening very well.
Or easily.

Feels like my brain has just been blocked.
Well there is a block preventing me from writing.
Having creative outlets.

It's easy to stare at my ceiling fan listening to Nine Inch Nails or U2.
It is so easy because nothing creative is coming out.

The best I get is when working on decks for Magic but even still I'm just getting bored of it.

Not bored of life.
Just bored of what feels like a singular always repeating path with no real change.

I stopped playing games for the most part back in 2006 and while they have helped me cope with things the past couple of years...I may be in need of a break.

Or just a change.

A massive giant change.

So many mixed thoughts and none of them coming out...

Strange turn of events.
Socialness.
Weird.

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Need sleep baaadly...

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Need sleep baaadly...

Ridiculous Songs at Night

I feel the energy.
Hunger for hate.
Seething rage about to boil.
Kick the music into overdrive.
Sound waves starting to careen
create and crease as it starts to live.

Vibrations,
they make and create
blurred lines of emotions.
Screams and slamming
a beat
with tone
and reverberating.

Smash this,
break it in
and don't know
never know
what just to do.

Thesis Writing

Wow.
I didn't realize how hard it would be.

Seriously.

I have not had such a hard time writing...in...well...forever.

I am so freaking worried about getting myself expelled or kicked out for being too moderate and upsetting the status quo.

That is why I'm trying to work on several projects at once...I am hoping the excess of writing will help trigger something with my thesis and then I will be able to just throw it all down, get it down, get it approved and then dance across the stage and May and never return to that insufferable school.

But in the mean time I have to read for school, write some smaller papers and explore the realm of online writing. Right now it's just writing reviews and placing them online to give myself some focus...but that is better than just sitting here and hitting my head against the desk.

So This Is New:

http://lamecreation.tumblr.com/

Recovering from misanthropy is a hard job.

Meek Whispers into the Night

Oh Soul,
are you lonesome tonight?
Are you lonely tonight?
Are you looking for love,
just for tonight?

Tired Soul,
broken nails,
dirty face
and tear stained clothing
are all hurting like Hell,
getting tired of grace.

Oh Soul,
won't you come out tonight?
Will you speak out tonight?
Be moved tonight?
The hour grows late
and soon the chime shall ring
striking chords of midnight
and what have we to show?

Made to be of a consistency
reflecting that of
Celluloid and Cellophane.
False lies
and plastic smiles.

I hope it does not repeat again tomorrow night. 

World of Warcraft

Yeah...just...don't even say a thing.
Stigma.
Shame.
Guilty pleasure.
Wonderful music.
Familiar sounds.

The only thing that could hope to ever match it was The Matrix Online...

Must finish prospectus...must finish prospectus...must...finish...prospectus...

Frustrations and pain.
So annoying.
But at least things are not worse.

Seriously.
Could be infinitely worse and I'm glad to be breathing...to be alive and feel pain, as frustrating as it can be.

Quote of the Day:

"Love is not fantasy. Love is real, and true love is forever. True love comes without condition. It comes with sacrifice and selflessness. It comes in the form of freedom. I have felt it. I still feel it burning inside me like a raging fire that will not be contained. It sweeps over barren landscapes and devours the bleak darkness and the empty sorrow. It washes over pain and hopelessness until nothing remains but these: Faith, Hope, and Love… but the greatest of these is love.“

—	"The Spinal Cord Perception" by Joshua S. Porter

People being people is nothing new.
I just wish...well kind of hoped...
Hoping for hope.
And growth.
Being able to let go of pain.
And the past.

Yeah.
All those things.
At once.

Well...people suck.

On Fruit

Some people dislike fruit?
This is sad.
How can someone dislike an entire food group in which there is enough variety that the options alone could crush you to death?

"I Am Afraid I Am Me" - Showbread

"Lately i have found frustration among the incongruence
a movement of peasants and pacifists drowning in patriotic affluence
i feel as though i should do something but I'm staggered by the ramifications
they've baptized the empire into the church and heralded its sanctification

sometimes i feel as though I'm taking place outside of myself
but I'm afraid that i am me
I am me
 I'm me
 I'm me

"blessed are the meek" succumbs to "might makes right"
"turn the other cheek" succumbs to per-emptive strike
"love your enemies" is fossilized beneath the frozen tundra
and "blessed are the poor in spirit" is devoured by "God bless America"

you file the children into the classrooms, make them stand and say an oath
and when we ask "should i love God or my country?"
you smile and tell us "both."
we've hidden the God we claim we serve and driven him beneath the floorboards
but i can still hear this still, small voice
and i can't take it anymore"

So for all the crazy depressing stuff...life isn't so bad once you get past the silly melancholy.
As it's been said "This too shall pass" and I think that applies to both good and bad things.
I can and choose to smile in defiance of  a broken world.
There is good and I haven't given up.

Interesting Article:

http://joshdies.com/2013/02/08/the-jesus-follower-vs-the-arts/

" Maybe if Christians continue to flee in the face of art and culture they will continue to run the risk of creating tired, dishonest and irrelevant art and culture of their own. This is a risk our King calls us away from as he engages the criminals, the crooks, the hookers and the sinners like you and me. For those called to be creative, as their heavenly Father is creative, there is no private Christian culture, no umbrella for believers to hide beneath. The gospel is a powerful and dangerous thing, a lamp that cannot be covered by a shade."

Not great.
Fantastic.
Or amazing.
But stable.
Don't seem to be getting worse.
Woo.
:)

Ouch.
My insides hurt.
-_-

Wow drinking Orange juice while sick REALLY hurts.

The plus side of having divided up blogs for various thoughts and emotions is it makes it easier to remember where to post useless melodramatic waste of words.

"is it difficult to speak your mind when the world hates the things you have to say?
oh they screech and they bray, there is doubt and dismay, may the sun set on this day
when you dragged all of them effortlessly straight into the dark
while they where there they wondered:
what if the kings that we've put on their thrones aren't really kings at all?
what if they should fall?
and all of the false gods that we're prostrated before have no gracious reign in mind
what if we wake up to find ourselves coiled in their ashes?

we will finally start to wonder what it is that we should leave behind
we'll see the signs and realize there's never been a better time to overthrow the principalities
in all our words, in all our deeds
and storm the gates of hell to show them they will not prevail

if all our hopes and all our dreams fall on deaf ears
then let them see
the gates of hell will not prevail
and You've broken the chains on me

i needed to be vindicated for all of my frustrations
but dragging all my grievances was heavy as damnation
i don't need to feel so right, but I badly want to feel alive
i'm done with a contest of wills
and i'm not afraid to die"

Still trying to find the right words...but alas they may not exist.

Words.

The Tragicomedy of Life

I don't write much on here anymore. Due to a series of increasingly impossible and stupid laptop failures I fell out of the habit and although one might say I spend more time in the 'real world' I am not sure staring at books and spending many of my free hours doing free labor at a gaming shop qualifies as real.

So what have I been doing over the time the blog has had a decline in writing (2011-Present)?

-Still working on my masters. I've actually started the thesis class this semester and may be done within the year.
-Still live in a city I hate, find unpleasant, horrible weather and is a rather dull place.
-Health isn't so much in a decline as a confusing circle as if my body doesn't know what to do with itself other than accumulate unrelated symptoms, random viruses and increased neurosises.
-Attempts to force myself to both attend and integrate into church with spectacular failing on multiple accounts.
-I technically work a couple of jobs now:
1.I drive. I have been through about a half dozen jobs at an expedited delivery service and continue to have issues with bosses having no idea who the Hell I am and by the time I start getting regular work they either leave/fired/vanish/fall into a time vortex/etc.
2.I am an unpaid employee at an amazing card/board/tabletop game store called Gamers 'N Geeks. It perhaps one of the only things in my life I find enjoyable and do not loathe with the intensity I typically reserve for myself. I make a lot of sales, banter with customers, have control over the arrangement and pricing over our stock of Magic:The Gathering cards, get paid in food, sometimes get paid in merchandise and will sometimes spend over half my week at the shop sleeping on a couch.

Sincerely it will be the only thing I miss when I leave this Hell. I have made friends, discovered new games, am actually ranked in the United States as a player in MTG and feel a sense of purpose none of my other jobs have had. Literally if I could make a living off this job I do not think I would ever be happier with work.

3.Technically I own websites with ads. I just don't post content because of forgetting, being distracted or feeling utterly uninspired.

-I had a cancer scare back in June so I made this stupid pledge to grow my hair out for Lock of Love and have learned my lesson about swearing to do something for charity that I have never attempted before. Currently the longest bits are right down around my shoulder blades and am forced to wear it in a pony tail because of the heat my hair generates. It's been almost a fully year since it has been cut and I should be able to donate it within the next couple of months.
-I've written somewhere between six to nine novels and have yet to revise a single one. I find it more enjoyable to bounce ideas around with other writers, help people develop their ideas and encourage them in their writing; and on the rare occasion I actually enjoy reading and critiquing their work. I am not sure I love writing so much as being a writer and communing with other writers....but maybe I just haven't found that niche.
-I played "World of Warcraft" for the first time in four years this past week, can't find any traces of those I used to know and went to where I met my best friend in the game, The Redridge Mountains, and wept.
-That said, my ability to let go of the past and relationships that moved on without me seems to be at an all time low.
-A girl I was best friends with in high school had been sabotaging my friendships with her boyfriend and sister. Despite being stabbed in the back, the character assassination and general loathing I was having directed at me I still am regrettable about it all.
-I have no idea how to let go.
-There are times when I feel every feeling, every relationship, every moment at once...all I have ever felt,it is overwhelming and makes me wish I could drink because this is no sane way to live. I may not be suicidal anymore but I certainly understand why people with conditions similar to mine have killed themselves. Depression, anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and being an empath can make for a hellish experience.
-For the record, telling someone to get over themselves and conditions typically doesn't work well. I have had well meaning people tell me that along with asking "Have you tried feeling better?" and if I did not try to censor myself I would be inclined to tell those people what anatomically impossible things they could go do with their false caring.
 -I still am trying to let go of the death and loss I had in 2007.
-In ways I'm still trying to recover the identity I have lost in every single relationship because of the codependent need I had to drown myself to make someone else happy.
-I still love cheesecake.
-I still have the same best friend of 22ish years.
-I am supposedly turning twenty-seven this year.
-How can I feel so old, so young, so out of place, so out of time, so lost and still be walking on this planet? It's as if my feet are not touching the ground as I wander.
-I miss "The Matrix Online" and The Watchmen. So much drama and pain in the end....but it was one of the few things battles I fought, loss and do not regret a second of it. They closed the game, but we as a group went down on our ship heads held high standing tall and proud. Even if I lost real life friends because of aforementioned bitch from high school. I do mean bitch in the most polite and empathetic way.
-Lou Reed makes me think of you. Along with WoW, this stupid blog, novel writing, art museums, the word Muse and along with a couple choice U2 songs I associated far too strongly.
-I have had so many medical procedures, been on so much medication that my life events bleed together in a frighteningly incoherent way at times. I will try contacting people who no longer wish to talk to me, I will recall the need to drive to a job that closed down four years ago and I will get lost in the same song for hours on end.
-I stopped playing video games for a while but Steam and The Humble Bundle sales have made it easy for me to find a bunch of super cheap and fun RPGs.
-Old Doctor Who (and some of the New Series) are giving me the same comfort they did as a seven year old child who watched it Sundays on PBS.
-Am I paranoid or do most of my relationships really are one sided affairs in which I serve to further someone else while I loose myself?
-Although I have alot of the same problems from the past twenty-six years and in fact that come from the worst year of my life (2007) I can't say I, or any human for that matter, remains or can remain the same. The problems grow with you and until you deal with them won't change or do much except sometimes mutate or become worse.
-My brother died almost exactly a year ago (when I had sinus surgery). The fact I had and have no real emotions or response (besides inevitable that he would repeat the sins of our father) is what depresses me most. He died the exact same age as out dad, thirty-three. He died of the same self absorbed self abuse and  he also left two innocent children who never asked to be brought into the world by such selfish bastards.
-I will never repeat the mistakes of those two fools.
-My regular blog writing mostly occurs on Tumblr now.
-I write in character as one of my old roleplaying characters from The Matrix, Lord Squishy. The url is: http://lordsquishy.tumblr.com/
-I still love U2, Showbread, Five Iron Frenzy, Brave Saint Saturn, Nine Inch Nails, Blindside and the other music.
-The more things change the more they seem to remain the same.
-I'm still living in a house with people, not really friends so much as people I manage to not disagree with violently enough to hate each other.
-I may have gotten stricter with my friendship requirements.
-Am I a therapist more than I have ever been a boyfriend?
-Why do I remain so frightened of committing and commitment?
-Can I trust you?
-Can I trust You?
-I am not sure if I am a misanthrope.
-I love people despite my general distrust, dislike and at times utter revulsion of humanity...and of myself.
-People are dirty, broken, nasty and scare me.
-Like David Bowie I am afraid of Americans, afraid I can't help it and
-I'm tired.
-I think I may try to sleep now that some of this is no longer floating in my mind.
-Doubtful but maybe I can find rest.

Quote of the Day:

"I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both."
-Soren Kierkegaard 

What the Hell am I doing here?

Oh...life...

New Year

Happy new year everyone.
Another year, another time and experience.
Curious to see where the madness might go this year...