Broken Synapses

Another milestone,
the year out of the way
so why of all feelings
is a tightening like a millstone?

I want thing to work.
Words to rhyme.
Couplings to beings.

I'm tired and worn out that...I don't even know why.

"Lonely Day" - System of a Down

So...twenty-six.
Yikes.
This is awkward...

Sometimes caring at all is the hardest part.

You Know...

It's amazing how alone, really is alone.
Trying to hope...
So sick with bronchitis, strep throat, diverticulosis, anxiety, depression.

I wonder why.
Why.
Why.
I wonder.

Such vivid loneliness.
Palatable.
Tangible.
Painful.

Aching in my soul,
coursing through my blood
and ripping through my mind.

Caring was the first mistake.
Dreaming was just losing perspective
and pretending,
merely pretending
there was more than it seemed.

Quote of the Day:

"No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is."
-Donald Miller

Quote of the Day:

“Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”
-The Third Doctor

Day One of Unemployment

Working on working on working on things!!!

Except them to be on:

www.lamecreation.com
https://twitter.com/LordSquishy
http://lordsquishy.tumblr.com/

Besides job hunting I'm trying to fill my hours with productivity in order to keep the Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attack monsters at bay!

Caring, fighting and living take such effort.
Hope...somewhere.

Quote of the Day:

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Hrmmm

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

"All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Insomnia

Yeah.
It sucks.

Metaphor for the Evening

I think keeping a foot in the door while getting some fresh air may be in order.

Or even putting a door stop.

One long weekend that is only halfway over.
Can't do anything but go up from here!

I want to go Home.

"Where is the light that I thought I was promised?
Where is the truth and the hope and the way?
I’ve lost my footing, my spine, my eyes
Everything keeps slipping away
Where is the storybook ending?
The love, the joy, the laughter?
Is all there is just nothing at all?
Is there anything that matters?
Is this all we get for our lives?
And after everything, why is it still so lonely?
So blank, so dry, so numb?
Are we brought up just to crack and bleed out?
Unravel, coming undone?
Is this all we get?

Is this all we get for our lives?
Is this all we get?"

Psalms 81

"Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
I answered out of the thundercloud
and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah."
-Psalms 81:6-7


"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that is passes through
He unreleased His power at an unknown hour that no one knew
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice ?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness ?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride ?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns ?

Surrender your crown on this blood-stained ground, take off your mask
He sees your deeds, He knows your needs even before you ask
How long can you falsely and deny what is real ?
How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal ?
Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned
He's got plans of his own to set up His throne
When He return."
-Bob Dylan, "When He Returns"

All this pain and hope,
wrapped up and trapped in my bones.
The tears I cry from this soul
wishing to depart.

Your grace falls like rain
on this arid land.

Falling,
twisting,
turning
and lying.

Aching to kill my pain
and fall in Your arms.

Where am I going,
when I run
frighted
out of sync
with life
and reality.

How long,
how often
how long,
must I carry these lies
clutched to my side?


Everything before me feels so barren and so empty.
I keep trying to fill life with my lies.
To gorge on something to blank out the pain.
But everything fades, all the pain stops
and the dissonance becomes clear
when You draw near.

When I finally stop screaming hate at myself
it is You
only You
that makes sense.

All the pain, broken loyalties and confusion
become washed
and cleaned
by Your life and light.

Somehow and someway
You make sense of this pain.

Thank You.
Thank You so much for this love.
All the care, carrying and painful
and beautiful Love.

Nightmares about failing out of graduate school.
That is always reassuring.

All things considered, I'm alive.
And it is a beautiful thing.

Chills, shivering, nausea, sickness...oie.

And all I WANTED to do was go to work.

Silly, silly body. #_#

NOVEL WRITING!

AHOY!

Psalms 63

"O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy."
-Psalms 63:1-5

I'm so distant from where I feel I should be.
So much debt.
So many bills.
So many problems.
Pain and sickness.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Is this the life I'm supposed to be living?
Obsessed and talking in circles.
Me.
Me.
Me.

Can I hear you over the sound of my own voice?
I need Your breath, Your voice and Your presence.
I need You.
I am nothing.
This fading candle that is lost in the rain and wind.
Please don't let me extinguish in this night.

I want to lock up, get lost in myself.
Find a place to lay down and die.
And hide.
Hide from You and life.
But I want to break free.
And make You proud.

"Love, rescue me."

"A Place to Call Home/Melodies of Life" - Nobuo Uematsu

"Man's ego is inflated, his laws are outdated, they don't apply no more
You can't rely no more to be standing around waiting
In the home of the brave, Jefferson turning over in his grave
Fools glorifying themselves, trying to manipulate Satan
And there's slow, slow train coming up around the bend.

Big-time negotiators, false healers and woman haters
Masters of the bluff and masters of the proposition
But the enemy I see wears a cloak of decency
All non-believers and men stealers talking in the name of religion
And there's slow, there's slow train coming up around the bend.

People starving and thirsting, grain elevators are bursting
Oh, you know it costs more to store the food than it do to give it
They say loose your inhibitions, follow your own ambitions
They talk about a life of brotherly love, show me someone who knows how to live it
There's slow, slow train coming up around the bend."

Working on another nervous breakdown?
Silly.
Time to push on with work and novel writing!

Quote of the Day:

“Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth."
-Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Words

Blocked.
Blocking.
Blocked.

What is it?
The words keep getting lower, more quite and harder to grasp.
My output has been dropping.

Was this all because I was parading for attention and parroting words?

Words.
So many things keep coming back to that.

Small words.
Big words.
Scary words.
Terrible words.
Needy words.
Painful words.

The things I see.
Feel.
Taste.
Hope.

The emotions I feel.
Crying.
Laughing.

Living.
Hoping.
Dying.

I cannot begin express how frustrated I am.
Anger.
Rage.
Bitterness.

I am trying.
I really am trying my best.
But it feels pointless.

The world isn't out to get me but why try so hard?
Why continue building when things keep falling?

I wear a mask so I can breath.
No one wants to see under it.
The play is the thing.
And all this Religious Talk
has become an exhibit.

Something that makes me nauseated.
I feel so lost.
So stretched thin and confused.
Wishing...just hoping and wishing.

All is fading.
Falling.
Hurting.
Swinging and spinning out of synch.

My head hurts from trying to make sense of work.
#_#

It's nice to smile.
And believe.
And know I am loved.

Even with all the pain,
all the hurt,
beauty still takes flight.

I will not be destroyed by my body's decay.
My soul shall outshine
and one day
my Love
shall heal this destroyed form.

Thank You.
Time and Again.

"Precious Angel" - Bob Dylan

"Precious angel, under the sun
How was I to know you'd be the one
To show me I was blinded, to show me I was gone
How weak was the foundation I was standing upon ?

Now there's spiritual warfare and flesh and blood breaking down
Ya either got faith or ya got unbelief and there ain't neutral ground
The enemy is subtle, how be it we are so deceived
When the truth's in our hearts and we still don't believe ?

Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Ya know I just couldn't make it by myself
I'm a little too blind to see."

"Shot of Love" - Bob Dylan

"I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Don't need a shot of parish to kill my disease
Don't need a shot of turpentine, only bring me to my knees
Don't need a shot of codeine to help me to repent
Don't need a shot of whiskey, help me be president.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Doctor, can you hear me ? I need some Medicaid
I seen the kingdoms of the world and it's making me feel afraid
What I got ain't painful, it's just bound to kill me dead
Like the men that followed Jesus when they put a price upon his head.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

I don't need no alibi when I'm spending time with you
I've heard all of them rumors you have heard them too
Don't show me no picture show or give me no book to read
It don't satisfy the hurt inside nor the habit that it feeds.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love."

"Love rescue me"

It feels harder to remember by the day.

So sick.
So much pain.
But there is Hope.
Such beautiful, wonderful and impossible Hope.
Beyond myself and in You.
Again, again and again.

Psalms 51

"Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins."
-Psalm 51:1

I am so caught short today.
Words.
Words.
I waste them so often.
I feel so astray.

But Love has rescued, comforted and saved me.
Time and again.
Thank You.
Please carry me.
Wash me of my mistakes and help me to Love you.
Love others.
And learn Loving myself.
Thank you.

Psalm 50

"The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,
and he has spoken;
he has summoned all humanity
from where the sun rises to where it sets.
From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines in glorious radiance.
Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him."
-Psalm 50:1-3

I didn't realize this section...would be the reading today...and slight freakish how the poem I wrote reflected that.

Who am I?
Seriously.
I have spent so much time being sick, burned out, aching, feeling lost and depressed that it feels like I haven't seen my reflection...but when I look, I have no idea who is in the mirror looking back at me.

I feel such a longing hope.
In the midst of feeling such revulsion at myself.
What is the difference between conviction of the Spirit and self hatred?

Self hatred is an idol.
Proclaiming my knowledge and will equal to Yours.
Where as I want to be obedient...not fall into this mindless slavery of self service.
Crying out words of hope that are not hope.
Just false ideas.

It's all a blended mix.
I'm so reluctant to speak.
But then I do speak.
And feel like such a hypocrite.
I am nothing but broken and in need of You.

Once again, as always, I am in need of Your love.
To be rescued from myself.
From the false ideas and treasures I drown myself in.
Just wanting hope.
But not knowing how to ask for help.
Once I've reached the bottom of my rope.

Jesus Christ, thank You for everything.
Everything.
This pain has a purpose beyond me.
I want to fall in Love again.
Please do not reject me.
Love me for me.

Never leave me here.
Pull me, carry me, drag me and hole my hand.
But Love me for me.
Every day as I struggle as I live, love, hurt and breath.
Carry me, strengthen me and never let me go.
I love You.
So much.
So much.

Tribulation in the Sky

With every reflection of the on the water
of the sky
there are images,
of You and I.

Passing memories,
tribulation
and
exaltation.

Memories of You and I
reflecting on the water,
with images
of a burning sky.

Hope in You
and of being lost in Love,
tears of joy
and smiles of sadness.

I just want to be lost
and found
in these images
of You and I
reflecting
and showing
a brilliant burning sky,
Love becoming One
and Hope being mine.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Abba, Daddy.
Be my shelter, my strong tower, my fortress, my Love, my Lover, my Protector, my Bridegroom, my Kinsmen Redeemer.

My soul is so disarray, fallen apart and needy.
I'm needy.
In need of You.
To throw my arms around You and weep,
to let all the pain out of this soul.
Please carry,
Please protect.
Please Love me.
Despite all of my failing and failures
please Love me.

I want to have no regrets.

"When I leave I want to go out like Elijah.
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire.
When I look back on the stars,
It'll be like a candlelight in central park.
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

Be Still and Wonder

It's always so silly to assume a human being is capable of sharing, understanding, collecting, connecting and being more than mere acquaintances.

Pain defines, aches, listen, leads and betrays.

What is Truth?
What is Truth?

Only You.
This world falls apart.
Whispering lies
and fallacies
leading in circles
as I look up in wonder.

Quote of the Day:

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 45

"Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice."
-Psalm 45:6

Eternity...Grace...Love...none of this makes sense.
But despite my inability to understand...You are Truth.
The only Truth is You.
Everything is fading.
Everything is dying.

Please do not tarry in saving, redeeming and healing me.
I'm so tired, broken and weary.
I pray and wonder.
Holding out for hope.
Will you please not forget me?
Do not leave me to die.
Remember the promises of Your Word
and once again,
save me, love me and care for me.

Abba, Father, Love,
Infinite God
and
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings
all is Yours.

Please come.
Come quickly,
Oh Lord Jesus.

Dental Pain = Not Fun

Five root canals.
Four crowns.
Intense pain from swelling and possible infections.
And a month and a half of using Vicodin.

Weird, weird time.
So many good moments interspersed with intense fragments of bad.

I feel so close to making the right decision but...in ways I am not sure.

Doubt will always be here.
But I just might be in Love, more so than ever, and maybe I have a job that can work not just for now but for the foreseeable future.

I feel so close to being able to do ministry again.
My soul screams for You.
I need You.
So much.

It's kind of sad how easily excited and disappointed I am.
Expecting little and not getting it..shouldn't be so discouraging.

Life.
So silly.
And strange.

"Alas My Love/ The Hardway" - dc Talk

"Mind's Eye" - dc Talk