Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
    I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
    for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1

Oh my King,
My Love,
Deliverer,
Savior,
Wonderful One,

So much life
so much pain
and so much grace.

Thank You for life.
Thank You for this life to call my own.
I miss jobs,
I fail at work,
I end up with so much debt in student loans and rent.


But still,
You are Good.
You are God.
You are Wonderful.


I want to give You my words,
this tired
and achey
and weary words
which may somehow
please
and 
 bless
You alone,
My Love.


Thank You.
I just need Grace.
To fall at Your feet.
Take this empty bottle of grief
that I clutch like a child to,
killing myself
all because of what I want.


Help me to accept
and stand in the downpour
and rain
of Love,
The Love of You.


Thank you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
    Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:2-3


I've read this passage again...and again...and again.
How long?
How long?
I wait in pain.
Anguish.
In need of You.


So much is fleeting,
passing
and gone by.


How long until You return?
Until Healing?
Until things can be made right?

I wait for You,
for You alone
my Love.
Please do not tarry.
 

Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.

"The Day the World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

Slipping Away

Letting go,
the slip,
sensation of free falling
out of
away from
you.

"The First Time" - U2

So strange to have so many people in this house.
And there to be no connection.
No feeling.
No emotion.
Just this emptiness.

I wish I knew which truths were lies and what lies were truth.

But then...life might become too simple.

"Only" - Nine Inch Nails

Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.

Writer's Block

So I hate writing blocks.

I think there needs to be random writings and thoughts.
May not fix everything but it does something.
And something is needed and wonderful.

It's a bit of a silly thing...it's composed of fear, doubt, insincerity, introspection...and on, on, on and going.

It's so strange how I can wake up and feel so lost, things are floating up and away...when nothing has occurred to change things.

However, this isn't the depression and anxiety doubling up on me.
The happiness is still there.
It just feels frustrating because my health is going up and down still.

There is never a sensation of "having made it" and waiting for that is a bit silly.
Every day of our lives is a chance for living, life and new experiences.

I'm not sure about so many of the other details...but there is more than an ample opportunity for happiness, for living and creating something new.

And I can smile.
That is wonderful all and of itself.
Money may be dwindling and the new job not taking off like I had hoped it would, but it's not the end of the world.

I can choose.
No matter the outcome, there is choice.
I will continue to choose.
Continue to smile.
It's beautiful.
Even with the pain.

Time seems to keep on flying by.
Surgery after surgery.
Pill after pill.
I could give up...but I must not...I cannot...

Broken Beauty

Pain.
Lot's of pain.
Multi day migraine and fibro flare up.
Pain.
Confusion.

Beauty remains even when we forget about it.
Grace prevails.
Grace carries.
Heal.
Redeems.
Life to these dead and dying bones.
Beauty beyond comprehension.

Abba, Adonai, Avinu.
Lover.
Life giving beauty.
Grace beyond Grace.
Day after day.
Thank You.

Foolish.
Insane.
Confused.

But foolishly and relentlessly never giving up.

Why am I such a foolish idiot?

"

"Grace Flood" - The O.C. Supertones

Oh so many foolish things afoot.
Whispers in the wind.'
Hope flying and fluttering,
just out of reach.

Quote of the Day:

"I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?"
"For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment..."
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Stirrings in the Night

The one you knew is gone.
Replaced by a sound,
strange sensation
and verbalization.

Realization that the world is passed,
going
and leaving,
all left behind
as all is all that it ever was.

Beginning and end
wrapped up in a cloth,
waiting
and
waiting.

Hope is coming.
Shattering storms of wind,
carrying debris
crashing to the soul.

Hope in a hurricane,
destructive light
providing a way out.

Oh how hope is coming.

Jeremiah 20:9

"But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot."

"Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have"

"Come and find me, my Love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of Your arms
And walk me away from my shame

Emotional, Mental, Physical and Spiritual Drain

Words.
Yet there is no structure behind them.
Words.
But the meaning is unclear.
Words.
And the block has grown.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Even more words.

More words.

Words.

Too Soon to Speak

Breath.
Pain.
Wonder, enrapturing and catching my soul.

Exodus.
Leaving.
Needs, tradition faltering and trepidation singing.

"I'm Looking Forward To Joining You Finally"- Nine Inch Nails

"thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I've done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes"

Late Night Stash of Photos Find

So many pictures found.
Images of life being lived.
Death prevented while hope prevails.
Bitterness mixed with trepidation.

Where does this all lead?
What Rabbit Hole will come next?
Am I lost as I wander,
or is it I am standing
in the center of Your hand
a second from embrace?

Null

I'm...alive.
At least it's raining heavily.
That is always a beautiful, wonderful and understated thing.

Desk, meet head.
Head, meet desk.
Try not to hurt one another too badly when you connect.

God I want to go to church so badly.
But...of course can't.
Some sort of correlation is there...

Hope Still Flies

Wow.
Somehow I always forget to update this thing...and the time keeps flying along.
I've taken a ton of photos which I am in the process of getting back from TW (had to use her camera since mine went bust).
Outside of photography my writing over the past year has been rather difficult.

My health problems have gotten to the point where I'm having trouble keeping up with work/rent and I tend to be far too frustrated to write.
If I'm not completely medicated out of my mind on medication then I will sometimes spend time with TW...cooking, traversing the neighborhood, playing Metal Gear Solid 3, talking about silly absurd things...really she has been such a joy to be around despite my health being shot to Hell.

I have been writing scraps of poems, outlines for essays, started a work document for my oft talked about but never completed RPG using RPG Maker XP...there is this, that, everything, something, nothing...beauty, pain, hope, fear...all the elements of a life I am trying to reclaim and make some measure of sense with.

I can safely say that no matter the dark, the pain or seemingly impossible the situation is...there is hope, and that hope still flies.

I'm alive.
Hurting like a mofo.
But alive.
Thank God for life even with the pain and loneliness.

Psalm 31

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within."
-Psalm 31:9-10

I know there is Hope, Love and Grace.
But the waiting,
the pain of seconds becoming minutes becoming hours,
how long,
how long shall I wait?
Till my age increases
and my hair becomes fully gray
and these belittled bones into dust?

Some say it is melodrama
but my life is empty, incomplete
and at such a loss
without You, Abba, Father.

These words are nothing without You.
For it is You who gives meaning,
that creates a purpose
from being awake until dreaming,
all of the pain has this purpose
but it only is derived from You.

What shall I do?
What can I do?
What must I do?

These songs are fleeting
but I feel Your melody,
it is within me
and far without
as I wait here.
Lost in dreams
becoming nightmares,
stuck in this Beyond
never knowing
or sure.

Lover please Love me.
Do not be distant.
Or wait till I have decayed from doubt and pain,
rescue me.
Once again.
This is a trap and pain of my own devising
but You alone can rescue me.
Only You are wonderful, beautiful and perfect.
These ashes of my life will be scattered soon,
so please do not tarry.
Do not tarry Love.

I think this may be the best thing I've written in several months:

http://lamecreation.blogspot.com/2012/02/rpg-of-life-sidequests.html

Psalm 29

"Honor the LORD, you heavenly beings;
honor the LORD for his glory and strength.
Honor the LORD for the glory of his name.
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
-Psalm 29:1-2

Honor, glory and Love to thee,
my Frighteningly Beautiful Lord, to thee alone.
All of these fake gods, false idols and things that distract me,
all are nothing, were nothing and shall be nothing.

All is fading,
broken
and lost in the coming twilight.
Hope still flies.
Even in the darkest nights of my soul,
for You alone are Beautiful.
You alone are Good.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Forever deserving of worship and praise,
You have carried me.
Thank You.

Some beautiful music.
A little progress on work.
Wonderful evening with TW as well as dinner and a story.

Hope in small things...and some in bigger things.
Where am I to walk?
How am I to?

Orp... o_o

Quote of the Day:

"The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
-Douglas Adams

Psalm 28

"I pray to you, O LORD, my rock.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2

And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.

And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.

I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.

All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.

Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.

Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.

Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.

I know it's a bit silly wishing I was less conflicted, less in pain, less torn...because this is a broken world.

There is beauty, there is wonder, there are things not just worth dying for...but actually living for.

However, when you are feeling as though you have fallen into...and might just be stuck in life's gutter...it's so easy to lose perspective and forget who you are, why you were born and what it is you are just capable of living and being.

Ah.
A migraine.

Quote of the Day:

"Truth is not always the best basis for happiness. There are certain lies which may constitute a far better and more secure foundation of happiness. There are people who perish when their eyes are opened."
-Wilhelm Stekel