Scattered Lights

The anger and bitterness...
It's tangible.
The taste is in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened.
Maybe it just is.

Black and white
while wrapped in gray,
I stand here
looking out to sea,
wandering
just when,
when I might might
look and see,
find You standing here
alongside me.

Whispers of a Muse
from across the channels of life
and I miss you.

More than words,
sentiment or feelings
just the sad truth
of a wanderer who has broken down.

Pretending to be
the sort of man
I could never be,
sitting and looking out.

It's a new day,
new sunrise
and soon to fall.

New way,
new life
and hopes.

It's not about finishing order.
It's about survival.

Humanity is such a sad waste of life and oxygen...

Only

Hemph.

Not sure why...or how...or even a what...

The harder I try to fit in...really the less I do.
The more the reason why I see I just don't belong.
More and more.
A quarter of a century into this...train wreck lovingly called life...
I just don't have it in me to play...

I'm not really sure who, what, when, why...any of it, any of it...

Things are so superficial with so many people.
Maybe it's been the reclusive nature of the summer...but the more I'm around people, the worst I feel...the more alien...the more dirt that seems to flow through my veins, sticking like mud.

I've got nothing and have nothing to really offer or give...
Just these jaded and skewed views.
That may or may not be...or not...

Honestly...that is even a part of it.
Honesty.
Regression.
Regret.

If only it was a simple as brushing things past and moving on.
There are somethings...others...
Nothing?
Relative.
Oh if only...

Only this, only that
and every shade
the truth could be colored in
and framed for all to see.

Truth ever so subjective
and brought under the whims
of the poison
via the vox populi,
a vis-à-vis of the soul
just like you imagined.

It's all fiction
and some lies
mixed with feel goodness.
Right?

I can't take this drink
or dance to this song,
all I want is the dark
and silence to be wrapped in.

Everything has become so spread out
and feeling so flawed,
infected by imperfections
and cancers.

Only this,
only that
and every way you twist the truth
to help you swallow it.

Shame and pain
and maybe just a sprinkle of powder
or whatever venom
it is you draw with.

Goodnight, Farewell Regression

I wouldn't know what to do with so much hope if it wasn't delivered while I wasn't looking.

So many of my fears, uncertainties and broken memories...come back from this lack of trust.

I run, try to run from myself...and so many thing suffer.
I cause so much indecisive pain because of fear...

Curious.
And sad.

So much,
so little
and time is passing...fading from sight.

Even the pain can look beautiful
when seen from perspective
and time enough to heal.

I never thought I would grow weary of words for their own sake.

From Here to There, Eternity's Breadth During a Breath

I've got nothing
and all busy being a nobody.
Life happens while looking the other way
and falls together while I consider.

Beauty in the moment,
passing and fading
as much as you are you.

Reminding, the fall and pain.
What is the point of such,
silly embracing of pain and sin?

The hands shake, break and fall apart,
past here and there
with the awaking thoughts
and dawn of horror.

Who am I?
Why should my concerns carry weight?

Being, trying, feeling, reminding,
falling, sinning, collapsing,
...all it's own sin.

Such worry for its own sake.
Sin running circles around itself
and reminding life for its own sake.

Life isn't grace to be wasted,
drank away
and spat on by my sins.

Grace, beauty in its ability to hunt,
follow and never leave me alone.
Beauty wanting and willing to chase
no matter the extent of my stupidity.

I want to scream,
roar in pain
and make this about me.
A drama
and stage play
all revolving around,
spinning about me.

Pragmatic idealist...was that it?

That should be pragmatic dreamer...or really anything that is a reminder of my contradictory silliness.

Yay for being a pragmatic realist.

Scattered thoughts...all across the horizon.
Time is spent far too quickly, just as expensive as blood.
Where are things going?
Spinning out of sync?
At least there is healing in the silence.
Redemption even of this hour.

Too many thoughts...and nowhere enough time or ability to make sense of them.

I can't keep track of all the memories.

I suppose in ways it would be nice to find a way to just purge things...organize, find a way to make sense of things...

Nothing is slowing down or stopping to make sense.
It just continues to spiral off in directions all helter skelter like.

A Quarter of a Century

Meep.

Such a silly roller coaster of health.

I always plan on writing some long introspective piece about my life on this day...but it just doesn't happen.

Which is a metaphor for life.
I think part of the reason I am not writing as much...is because when I am busy living life...I forget to write.

Most of my problems occur when I have far too much free time to lay down, think and hurt.

Sure I've spent most of today alone in a physical sense...but I have had phone calls, voice mails and emails from wonderful people.

I can get out and see people any day...it says something when people put forth the effort to come find you.

I am far, far, far too tired and sick to spend it at a loud, busy and dramatic place...instead I look forward to spending it with just a couple of people...here, later, another time, another place...another way, another day...maybe even another Age.

Time with continue to flow.

With or without me.

While I am here...I need to breath, to feel myself rocked by the ebb and flow of time...that I was born for this day, this age...purpose.

Purpose I may never understand.

But I try, I will try and will never give up.

I can say thank You Father, with an exhausted and knowing smile.
I will doubt.
I will hurt.
But this heart, this soul cannot be killed.
I will get sicker.
The flesh will fail...but one day all of this will be healed.
Everything made new.

Until then I hope in an impossible God whose love has carried me further then I ever thought possible.

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

And...I'm about to be a quarter of a century old.
Good heavens.
I need to reevaluate this whole aging and growing up thing.

Despite my passive aggressive silliness...being the bigger person is always nice.

Moral high ground for the win.

Hrmm...it may be slightly evil that I cackle every time I realize that I am freed from and no longer have to tolerate certain people and their questionable...immaturity.

Cackle that I am free and that some other much more naive and foolish person than I is the acting man of the hour...or minute as it were.

Less fever, less chills and being able to stand up without the world spinning and trying to throw me off of it.

Woohoo!

Evidently whatever that doesn't kill me, or cause me to spontaneously combust, may make me stronger.

Or just weaker until I have a group of my Mitochondria team up and cause me to blow up like in "Parasite Eve".

Plus side, I won't need a night light for reading while it goes on.

Although being burned and sort of a dead husk might put a damper on the plans for getting a doctorate.

But being know as 'Professor Explosion' or 'Doctor X-OMG-FDHAX-WTF?!? Explosions!' just has so much potential.

...although getting it to fit on the name tag will prove problematic...

What is it with me and being sick?
I don't know how many days...or really months I have spent in bed.
Sick.
At least I am in the Continental United States.
And not in a completely foreign bed.
Yay for pit packs, damp cloths, orange Gatorade and being able to just breath.

Even though I do not know how I got here...I'm grateful to have made it.

I can't wait to see a smile...help return it...and brighten that day.

Chills and a fever!

Wooo!

The fact God not only loves but chases after us silly people...such an impossible and improbable miracle...that only grows more beautiful by the day.

Day Three of the Migraine

Perhaps the most annoying thing of all is I can't find refuge in sleep.

The plus side...is that despite how frustrating and confusing things are with life, school, the universe...well everything...I am silly enough to still have hope.

A cynical hope that is tempered with my sardonic humor...but hope that goes from here through the depths of eternity...that if my God, my Jesus, loves me then He can and does love all.

It just gets a bit complicated from there.

Blue and Orange Morality

I can't really sit in smug judgement.
But the more I learn about some people...and most importantly how little regard they treat others...I find nothing more disgusting.

That someone would go out of their way to use...lead and draw others on...I am not sure there is a worst evil than exploiting a vulnerable person...

God help them.
And God help me to not become a smug hypocrite that will do this and spread hatred.

Yay for migraines lasting twelve hours and still counting!

=D

Life.
Words.
Meaning.

Amazing 14 foot long scarf.
Family, friends...well friends that are family...and love.

Caring.
Beauty.
Impossible beauty in this painful life.

Beautiful meaning of words that are played out in life.
Things I could never be.
Things I could never see.

Acceptance and want of me.
So silly.
Impossible.
But warm socks.

Such great, wonderful and beautiful things.

I am not sure what it looks like...but there is always hope.
Not for every cause.
Not for every reason.
Not for every flutter of my heart.

But a steady, living, pulsing hope that this broken physical shell is not the end.
Just the beginning of so much.
So very much.

It still disturbs me to no end that The Nostalgia Chick looks exactly like a girl that I had a crush on for such a long time.

o_O

It is so strange to not...be writing so much.
A block.
Ridiculous emotional sentiments that are unwanted.

Concerning myself with things that have no concern, no meaning, no sense of anything to do with me...and yet, I include myself...

So strange.
More than ever I just feel like a stranger looking out from the eyes of a body, of a soul, of a person who isn't me...

I ask...I wonder...

Is this my smile?
Is that my voice speaking?
Are these my hands that shake from pain and stress?

Being alive, having life itself is a miracle...
But I am not other boys...other...men, dare I say.
I don't look at women as cattle.
Things to own, brand, use, consume and destroy.
Life has meaning.
All life.
Even when I am confused and hurting.

Which is why I must pray.
Not to try and move God.
But that maybe, finally, I can be moved out of this vacuum, this void of pain.

Hmm more frustrations.
With a side of hopefulness.

"What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill
The final places?
How should I complete the wall...?"

God I hate cynicism.
It's a cancer eating at me.
Ripping at my soul.
Reminding me of being human.

If I could just judge and write off people...I could be as selfrighteous as I wanted.
God look at me.
Do you see your son?
The pain and misery around me?
Just a glimpse of it all?


I'm having trouble caring or keeping focus,
when all I do is want it to end.
To have the pain finish
and conclude.

I have more words...too many words.
Wasted words.
Exhausted words.
Bloodies, bruised and battered words.

Words that make me ask...why, how and what for?
So much pain, so much pointlessness.

And THAT is why I hate humans.
All of it, every last one, can't stand the toxic, disgusting and degenerating smell of the rot...the lies, the betraying...the stabbing at the first opportune moment...

But the beauty of Christ...carrying so much pain, the anguish and sins...

I am not perfect.
I cannot love.
But God can love.
Can love even through one as broken as I.

That is a miracle beyond words.

"Postherpetic neuralgia is thought to be nerve damage caused by herpes zoster (shingles). The damage causes nerves in the affected dermatomic area of the skin to send abnormal electrical signals to the brain. These signals may convey excruciating pain, and may persist or recur for months, years or until death."

Well my outlook on life certainly is sky high at this point. v_v

After a decade...a literal decade, I just figured out how to import music into RPG Maker XP.

Surely apotheosis is but a few steps away.

Words...words...words...

So much, so little going on...

I should focus on healing...but I can't help but be worried...not to excuse worry...it's just...so hard to trust God knows what He is doing.

As silly as it sounds.

I never want to let go because letting go requires faith and believing that I do not know everything or can fix everything...

So...so...painful.
But needed.
Letting go...being free...

I'm so freaking awesome that I do not have one...but TWO kidneys full of stones.

If I was anymore awesome I would spontaneously combust.

So much freaking pain...it has a purpose...but seriously...threshold.

#_#

Note to self:

Adjust all of the ringtones so that instead of having a sooth melody that causes one to fall asleep, make the noise blaring and loud in order to not miss important phone calls.

Distance but Not Always Seeing

Eternity is a ship out of port
but it's a pathway stretching two ways,
from here until there
but why can I not see You today?

I'm holding my breath,
having anticipation
and anxiety
with such splendid pains
that keep me building towers,
all that I can look
with the hope
that You,
You may cross my line of vision
and I can let go
falling deeper in love with You.

Whispers of a long lost Muse
and nerve endings
digging in with fire burning claws,
screaming for a healing kiss
and a touch of peace,
but we live in a world of constant war,
pain and strife are dime a dozen
with sorrow on the sleeve.

I believe as I doubt,
hand in hands
holding tight as I run,
from here until eternity,
stretched out in pain
but hoping.

Fear and malady
as I let go
falling fast and free,
the wind in my hair
as I blow a kiss
with not a care
or ability to miss
whatever this life was supposed to be.

Instead it's in this moment
where I look and wander,
here...there...the key unlocks
and all this overflows.

This whole never ending chronic pain thing is simply becoming exasperating.

All the joints, and I mean all the blasted things, are hurting right now.

Wrists, fingers, knees, elbows, toes...it's not a joint but my freaking neck/head.

I am wanting to laugh my head off.

I am in so much pain that I honest to God would cry tears of joy for a shot of morphine...but I am laughing with tears because of how absurd it is for a twenty-four year old male with little "logical" reason for being in so much pain.

Jesus is utterly cracked and I am with Him on that notion.

Dim Echoes, Fading Lights

Not all memories are painful...but some are...

The one's I have lost.

Some to age, some to death...some far too young...and yet others beyond what I could have hoped...

...others to circumstances, distance and time...

I still think of you.
Pray for you...even though conversation seem to no longer be possible...
I have hope that we can speak one day.
Even if it's after this Age has passed.

I can wait.
Waiting is what I'm good at.
Right?
When the echoes of time fade...
...and all of the sparks grown dim.
When life as we have known is no more
and everything is healed
brought to life
and restored to its proper place.

Maybe,
just maybe
then,
you and I,
may walk beside the crystal sea.
Converse and feel the endless warmth
of eternal Love
and being healed.

"Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall."

Meep.
Moorgle.
Bleh.
Merfh.

Things...are such a jumble mess...that I can't sort it all out in my mind...or on paper.

Not bad.
Not horrible.
Not the end of the world.

Just a confusing mess.
Somethings are quite clearly so idiotic that I can't bring myself to worry or feel insecure jealousy over.

This time, last year, I was busy digging myself a grave with depression, stupidity and well meaning intentions...

Silly waste of time.
Silly waste of effort.

I just can't bring myself to care.
About that at least.
What is the point of worry, when it concerns broken and flawed humans screwing up all they care to?

It is sort of amazing how destructive free will...and people's inability to cope with the 'need' to choose.

"Lived to death."?
A stock phrase purchased in the realm of stupidity.
Try learning for other people's mistakes before self-destruction becomes your best friend.

It's what I did and I am just smug enough to chuckle sadly while watching things and people burn down around me.

It's one of those sad, empty and distant chuckles...but a chuckle all the same....so fully of irony and being sardonic.

Meep.

So tired of feeling...sickness.

Plus side...new day, new sunrise...new hope and a chance...a chance for life.

Treading Softly at Night

Distance...so close and yet,
further and further it seems.

Dreams sliding in and out of reality
as causality takes the blame.

Unexpected visions of what to come
or mere lies in the mists of time?

...or maybe it's not too complicated.
Maybe my over thinking is the complication...

Amazing how I can do everything except for that which I truly want to do.

Life isn't a black and white...right or wrong sort of thing...but trying to understand my own thoughts, emotions, wants, needs...everything, any of it...is just so confusing...and painful.

Why do I always want to run away?
Hide away and not look back?
Lock myself away inside my own mind...and letting everything else slip?


Being human...is far too complicated.