Loser Penultimate Statement of my Life:

Sometimes I wish I could be The Doctor.
Just to be able to save the day.
And be her hero.

"No one knows your heart
And no one knows your fears
When no one solves the mysteries
Or even wipes away the tears

Can you hear the sound of laughter
From the other side of life?
There are days when I feel like a stranger sometimes
Tell me, are there any other fools like me?

This reliance on another world
Has a great effect on this world
This conscience of another world
Has a great effect on
Grace recollection

He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
He only loves us 'cause of who he is

We all were children once
So will we return
So let those days return
Let us all return..."

Western Winds

Your cross and grace are more than I can bear...
This pain is too real and my soul cries for peace
in the middle of this struggle.

I know You,
I have known Your voice since I was a child,
a child so lost and confused
who didn't know which way to look.

You took my hand
and carried me,
brought me to this alien land
with such profane tongues.

When did I walk away?
When did I realize enough was never enough?

My soul is Yours to take
and my life is Yours to make,
in this storm
that is causing me to break.

"Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling your heartache
Your creation through your eyes
There is pain it's no mistake

Closer I get to you I see
Souls full of hurt, full of need
The closer I get I see less of me

And I feel like I could break
And, I feel like I could break
Lord, I know now it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by your heartache
And I feel like I could break
Now, it's more than I can take

'cause all of those times I ran away
From all of those things I used to say
And all of those pains I feel
Revealed to me"

Nightly Regression

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream.
I know I should hope and expect so much...
...but it hard to trust when the pain is vivid.

My faith is so shallow, so weak, so often...
How do you love me for me?
When it seems like all I can feel
and that all I ever do
is fall in this cycle,
this vicious pain
of a broken heart
and shattered dreams,
such silly poetry not even worth a second glimpse.

Do you see me when we both dream,
or is this yet another false tale
where distance is measured in heart beats
and I know there is no room for me?

Fun with Fibromyalgia

You know, that actually would be a good name for a British romantic comedy.

Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation that I have no real means of escaping I try to either shut down into silent mode or try to ease the tension with terrible jokes and/or stories.

I suppose one of the good things about going to a Christian university that I can bring the conversation right around to Jesus or something...but that is a bit cliche. Something I have struggled with finding some sort of understanding or meaning in all the pain in this world.

My senior research paper was on trying to deal with the idea of how a good God can exist when if you take off the blinders we wear and just look and see how fragile, how horrifying and how real the pain in this world is.

The more I reread the words of Jesus there is this intense longing and desire to follow...to just break my addiction to material things and actually bother to put my faith into the sort of dangerous practice that for all rights and "practical" purposes it seems inane.

Quote of the Day:

To endure the cross is not tragedy; it is the suffering which is the fruit of an exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy

A friend is someone who will be there...no matter the time, the day, the situation...good times, bad times or when there has been miscommunication or a fight.

At least that is what I tell myself and possibly why I am seem to be so damn masochistic.

Why must thoughts and emotions be so confusing?
I understand now how drama works and why people pay money to see it...

...but that doesn't make it anymore enjoyable to live.

Bleh.

I just...

I want this seed of hope within my soul to grow.
To blossom and help me become so much more.

Wow that may have been the cheesiest thing I have ever written... o_O

Meh.
As Freddie Mercury once sang, "Who waits forever anyway?"

Sometimes it's nice to smile.
It's three AM and I am exhausted, but no matter what happens...no matter how bad I feel or how lame I seem when I inevitably compare myself to everyone else...I am my own unique brand of lame geekiness.

And that is okay.
That is wonderful.
I am my own and loved and wanted for who I am.
I don't have to meet someone's standards.
Those worth loving find me lovable because I was first loved by Him.

It's awesome.
In it's own weird ways.

I wish I could do a better job of going out of my way to show love to those who went out of their way to hurt me...but just...

Ack.
Irritation.

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

I would go on an angry tirade about how disgusted and tired I am of dealing with duplicitous hypocrites...but I am looking in the mirror right now.

I am what I hate.
Until I learn to love and accept myself, I cannot love God or other people.

Why is it so hard to let go of this millstone?
All of this shocking and frigid cold pain?

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

"It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled
And the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."

Heh.
A month since that church blow up.
Irony much?

Oie.

Quote of the Day:

"Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world."
-Ammon Hennacy

The thing is...I want to make you smile.
That is all.
I know it's silly to care so much about people's happiness...but I guess that is who I am.

A silly, silly person...with good intentions that rarely pan out the way they were intended.

But that is okay.
Failure isn't really enough to stop me.
I have to keep trying.
Even when the thoughts don't necessarily make sense.

Somehow, someway, grace has met me halfway.
At least if I try...I can try.
Just a smile.
And a try.
And a care.

Love, Love, Love

So strong, so painful
and everything I seek,
I run to and fro
aching and wanting,
just begging
being a beggar
needing Your love.

I hold out my hand
as the closed fist
to hurt
as much as I need,
taking everything I want
just because I can
and leaving,
leaving it all to chance.

Everything spinning,
everything breaking down
with all the pain
and all of the taste.

What can I say?
What can I do?
I'm just a beggar on the outside
needing love
and needing You.

Quote of the Day:

“If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.”
-Rich Mullins

"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care.

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

I really need to work on not letting small things get under my skin.
Already, I can think of a couple of things that will bother and upset me about this semester...but how are they my problem?

I can wash my face, take a deep breath and sip some tea...and be happy to feel alive.

I hope I can sleep a couple of more hours and go to church with my mom.

That would be nice.
No drama.
No stupid worry about things that do not matter.
Just enjoying my last day before driving back to school.

Even when bad things happen...I don't have to let that ruin everything.
Hmm...that is a skill I need to master...

Pizza.
Soda.
Tea.
Medication.
Deep thinking.
No sleep.

Yeah.
This can't end well.

Cynicism mixed with some fatalism.

Strange.
Strange.

The small things I care about for some...reason.

Weird.

Why does such meaningless, small, worthless things irk me so greatly?

"The farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on"

Such darkness.

"Put back the stars
I'm out of shape tonight
Pinhole black velvet
Navigation-skills got lost with the fading light
It was there not more then a second ago
Now what do you know, what i do know
Is just not good enough to make things right
Put back the stars
I'm out of place tonight

Ain't it something to know your lost

I hoist my sail
Through there is no wind in sight
And i close my eyes to feel the fresh breeze
Paint the inside of my eyelids bright
Fill the sky with your breath
Cause you know I'm out of mine
Let the sky burn and i will inhale
Without a fight
I hoist my sail
And I'll just wait for you tonight

Ain't it something to know you have lost

Black tar surrounds me now
But life is the next door neighbor
On the outside there is just absence
But when i close my eyes
All i see is Your face"

I know it is lame to be so excited over a smile...but I'll take any victories I can get in these days of frustrating silliness.

Meh.
Meh.
Meh.

And a side helping of bleh.

I really need to just follow my instinct and not waste time like that.

Plus side...returning to school soon.
Very soon.
Thank God.
The predictable chaos is preferred to the unpredictable chaos.

Avant-garde morality.
Yes I just invented the phrase a few minutes ago.
Would someone be a dear and copyright that for me?
I'll be happy to share the proceeds.

I sometimes wonder if I am too general...too vague...
If it is something I consciously do.
In the pain, in the Hells that people craft on this world...there are so many varied and vapid ideas passing through...

Here I am right now.
All this love, doubt, fear, hope...
The hope of giving and loving, not self righteous sacrifice.

This isn't about me.
I do not want it to be about me
I've seen that road and where it goes...

But Father, even when you knew how dirty and worthless I can be, you still loved, still died, still became everything I never knew I would need so desperately.

I sometimes wonder why I am such a weird mix of extroverted and introverted.

It seems like I flip on a dime and will go from wanting so badly to let someone know how much they mean to me...to being absolutely terrified and having this social anxiety with being around anyone at all...

I have the small circle of friends...those I trust, the ones who are basically my siblings in a way...that sounds so cliche.

I just...wonder if You were lonely.
While you walked the roads of the countryside, if you felt this longing for having someone perfectly understand you...that you opened your heart, mind, soul to and could share...and how that meshed with your friends.

I guess I am left to wonder at the impossibility of the Incarnation when I've only had an hour nap and am sitting next to a cat who keep meowing at me.

I watched almost all the first series of "The Young Ones" and what a confused yet funny mess it was.

Anymore random tidbits?
How about...I wish we could see each other right now.
Go for a walk if it was warmer, then sit down and eat a mealt together...just enjoy a day as a day.

That would be a small piece of heaven now.
However...all is fleeting and soon...too soon...

So an ice storm.

Yaaaaay...not so much.

At least maybe I can finish this episode of Escaflowne before I loose power...

"All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only one that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."

The more things change...the more they stay the same...

Those pictures are beautiful and painful reminders of...

Reminders you can never go back.
What once was, was that and will never be that same way again.
Trying to hold onto the past is impossible and dangerous.
Learning to look forward is possible.
Possible and necessary, without it growth never happens.

Unless we grow, we stagnate, decay and fall apart.
We're meant to be so much more than just mere individuals.
The story is beautiful, wonderful and still yet to be told.

The Kierkegaard reference in "Wayne's World" was almost enough to make me like the movie.

Almost.

Okay wow.
Just two hours?
But I covered so many hours, so many days...waking up I thought it has been two days of sleep...not two hours.

Stupid shaking hands and mind.

Geez.

Wow.

At least none of the bad nightmare stuff was true...that's a plus.

Bah, anticipations.

Inner Reaches of the Heart

The wind is howling.
Uncertainty seems to almost float on the breeze,
passing overhead
and here I lie.

Something?
Everything?
Perhaps, nothing at all?

Hope is alive.
Burning quietly
in the deeper reaches
of the dark cavern.
Waiting and anticipating
until the hour to rise
is at hand.

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

What more do I have?
It is my faith,
the love I feel
and the expectations.

Everything and nothing
while still being in the same breath.

Everything is on display,
like a twisted freak show.
See the gore,
Feel the horror
and watch to see the pain.

So silly how we thrive off of pain
and negligence.

But hope is alive.
Hope is moving
and reaching deeper within
to places
that have yet to be seen.

"It's getting late
And so he forgot, he forgot
Maybe not
Maybe he's been seriously hurt
Would that be worse?"

Rain, Snow, Emotional Outpourings

I am tired.
I really should lay down and sleep.
Not write.
The last thing I should do right now is write.

I am tired, sleepy and achey...so that will lead to me complaining. Asking if God can truly be love when there is so much pain, when I am unable to put my words into action, when I feel emotions that might as well not exist at all because they cannot and never will be reciprocated.

I went to another funeral Saturday.
My mom and one friend are the only ones I could even tell about it.
It was awkward to even talk to them about it because of how much pain I felt over a relationship that really was not very developed...so little time together and most of it was when I was merely only three years or younger...but there has to be memories of my dad just dragged up from the recesses of this mind.

I know, I have to believe we were not created, set on this planet to merely suffer and be in pain...but sometimes I just do not know...the pain is so great, the confusion so grand.

I know there is a point to life, there is love, there is goodness, there is an over abundance of good and wonderful things...but I feel the pain of those I'm around. It's like I just have my soul ripped open and feel all of these overwhelming things...and then it forces me to relive horrible, horrible memories, pain I wish I could just forget.

I'm not brave.
I'm not a hero.
I never could be.
I am selfish and want to find relief from the pain.
I don't want to suffer, suffer for the "good".
I want to find a place to hide.

Somewhere I can be like Gregor Samsa, hide away so no one sees my repulsive sides, hide away and let the festering wounds maybe begin to heal. Maybe in that time people will realize they don't need me and their lives can be easier.

I don't understand why the emotions have to be so raw, so brutal...it's about as subtle as being hit in the face with an ax.

When I feel joy, it is so overwhelming, when there is peace it s complete, when there are the rare flickers of light in my heart...and I remember that I was created to show love...that is when I exploded into action and there is moving, striving, fighting...even if it is just to show those around me what they mean to me.

Bah.

I am such an exhausted and complicated mess.
I cannot run fast enough or far enough away to get away from those I just...

Why?
Why more pain?
Isn't this enough for a life time?

I just wish I could go to Tabor Park N right now.
Silly as that is.
Or maybe to the Rattle and Hum.
I miss those days so much.

I can write more words.
But what sad, pitiful person...who deserves something as a reward for reading this garbage this far, that person, does not deserve more of this.

Things aren't horrifying.
I am in pain but that is normal.
I feel this weird mix of being isolated but closer to people.
I wish I could answer questions with much more ease.

If someone asks how I am, why can I not lie?
It's what most people want to hear.
But I suppose if people want to know the truth hard enough they could put fort the effort.

Which is one reason I just find it hilarious screwed up how...how...oh Christ, what is the point?

None, Jesus, none.
Just more evidence of a wasted life, wasted hours, wasted minutes, wasted seconds.

I'm too exhausted for anger, for outrage, for emotion...

I wish I could feel this empty void filled...I suppose that is my worst fear...that it'll be here in eternity but it'll only grow...I'll become this negative form that consumes, destroys...and loses what it means to be alive, to serve and love.


And here ago.
More words, more words, more words.
I'll at least do all I can to do the right thing.
Christ will never forsake me, even with all the pain and fear...thankfully that love doesn't depend on my performances...unlike some I could mention...but why do such a stupid and shallow thing?

Sleep.
Rest.
Maybe a restoration of something once lost...

Sometimes, when I am asked what am I doing...what am I going to do...I feel embarrassed, like an idiot for being in school this long, having degrees but wanting more education.

I am not sure why but I need to teach and if I can do it at the university level and I do not loose my mind that will be utterly fantastic.

As far as church work...I want so badly to feel like I belong to a church...but until then I am not sure...I just do not want to randomly work at a church with how easily I burn out and loose sight with such silly things going on...

I am loved.
I am wanted.
I am slowly changing...I want to become better.
To embrace the light and smile.
Can you teach me how to sing, how to move and what it means to be alive?
It's like starting again...and I just want to see, want to feel...want to breath.
All like I have never before.

Why is it I only see them is when someone dies?
I'm starting to feel more than slightly cursed.

So many thoughts.
So much potential drama.
All of this idioticy of trying to figure out the next semester at UM must have shot my confidence about being on stage in the face.

The prospect of auditioning or even trying out is utterly terrifying right now.

I suppose I feel the same way every time I try to write...but I guess it wouldn't be life without a mountain of existential dread staring me in the face.

Meh.

-_-

I can do this.
I can learn lines.
I can make phone calls until the jerks call me back.
I can be happy wherever I am, doing whatever I have to do...just so I can do what I am called to...because I am loved.

I am not a horrible, horrible unthinkable and unlovable sinner.

I am me.
Silly, tired, worn down, sick but still laughing me.
There is hope.
Even when I am rejected, told I am an idiot, made fun, belittled and made to feel I am nothing...there is still hope.

Just passing through here on my way to my real home.

Quote of the Day:

"The most common form of despair is not being who you are."
-Søren Kierkegaard

Because of my recent desire to try and make some tangible difference in the world beyond just praying, this article caught my eye:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-12022303

Ah neurosis my old friend.
I believe Woody Allen wrote a lot about you...