Thursday, August 19, 2010
Some Idle Reflections on Christian Pacifism
As much as I tend to talk about it I am rather terrible at this whole Christian pacifism thing.
I try to act as though I have everything together but underneath my sometimes groomed exterior is a raging sea frothing with emotions, feelings and thoughts wanting to explode forth. Normally all it takes is hearing about someone being taken advantaged of or abused and I am ready to fly into a rage.
Pacifism is not against taking action when bad things happen (that is actually one of the most often misunderstood things about pacifism), Jesus did not advocate a stance which was stoic apathy toward our well being and those around us, instead he commanded against choosing to give into our urge to find revenge.
One of our most basic desires is to seek right when we are wrong, often in a manner which not only gives us reparations but gives our enemy such vivid disadvantages that they have trouble recovering.
"If they hurt me, I'll hurt them back."
Or maybe...
"If I can hurt them so much they can't ever fight back then nobody will ever mess with me and will leave me be."
Maybe that is how the world and governments work...I am not quite sure to be honest.
I just know that every time I open my mouth in my defense very bad things tend to happen.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be at peace.
I do not handle stress well at all and tend to internalize everything to the point where it just ends up making me physically sick.
I mean, I tend to take scripture seriously and when I come across passages like this:
"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."
-Romans 12:17-18
and
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow."
-Matthew 5:38-42
as well as
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins."
-Mark 11:25-26
I sort of begin to draw a series of conclusions that are far reaching as they are troublesome for living life
1.When we are hurt we react but we can choose how to react.
I guess this is sort of an obvious conclusion but for every action there is a reaction...especially if someone is being slapped around or taken advantage of.
The question is how to react?
How much is too much?
From personal experience...I am starting to think that Christians are not supposed to allow themselves to be destroyed because of being taken advantage of...this teaching is meant to help us overcome our base instinct to be destructive when we experience pain and mistreated by others. It is easy to be so overcome with bitterness that all we care about is revenge.
The last thing any person should do is keep themselves in a relationship, a situation where they are being drained and taken advantage of. I think there is a difference between turning the cheek and unnecessarily making ourselves into a self-righteousness martyr as an act of codependency.
2.Pacifism is a choice to be proactive in responding.
I wrote earlier than one of the biggest misunderstandings about pacifism is that it is this stoic apathy where there is no emotion or care about people being in pain. I believe Christian Pacifism is the opposite, caring so much about a situation that we rise above the petty nature of name calling and fighting to try and solve underlying issues at hand.
If people are so concerned about getting even and hitting back first there is no time to talk...no time to try and understand why things are so screwed up. Of course this takes for granted that human passions will never wait for words of wisdom...
3.This teaching is so integral to Christianity being relevant in this world because until someone decides 'enough is enough' and to refuse to hit back, violence will not end a situation as much as cause it to prolong.
Although it feels it may border on cliche, I believe John Philpot Curran had a valid point when he said that "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
It is easy to make grand statements about morality and the impossibilities inherent in the human condition but maybe I'll just quote my favorite anime Trigun:
"To realize a mistake. To not lie. To love one another. To not kill. Those are very simple things, but the times won't allow for them. There is no green on this planet, even though we want it, though we want it so badly. A place where we can live peaceful days, with no wars nor stealing, a sacred place where people can live as people. Yes, there. That place is called Paradise..."
But we live in a world of gray with shades of black and white.
It is impossible and impractical to expect non-Christians (and to an extent maybe even those in the church) to adhere to such a radical teacher as the messiah Jesus when they haven't experienced what it means to be caught up in love with Him.
In this Age we will never see world peace, we will never see all disease and pain eliminated, for war to be given up on and poverty completely eliminated...however just because it cannot be done does not given an excuse for us to not try and make a difference in this broken world.
And that difference cannot come from within us, it requires power from One outside of and much bigger than us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
"The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”"
-Matthew 19:23-26
((Side note:...wow, what a pretentious sounding title. I think I am already sounding like a overpaid and under-talented writer who has books at Lifeway...ack... >_<))
I try to act as though I have everything together but underneath my sometimes groomed exterior is a raging sea frothing with emotions, feelings and thoughts wanting to explode forth. Normally all it takes is hearing about someone being taken advantaged of or abused and I am ready to fly into a rage.
Pacifism is not against taking action when bad things happen (that is actually one of the most often misunderstood things about pacifism), Jesus did not advocate a stance which was stoic apathy toward our well being and those around us, instead he commanded against choosing to give into our urge to find revenge.
One of our most basic desires is to seek right when we are wrong, often in a manner which not only gives us reparations but gives our enemy such vivid disadvantages that they have trouble recovering.
"If they hurt me, I'll hurt them back."
Or maybe...
"If I can hurt them so much they can't ever fight back then nobody will ever mess with me and will leave me be."
Maybe that is how the world and governments work...I am not quite sure to be honest.
I just know that every time I open my mouth in my defense very bad things tend to happen.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be at peace.
I do not handle stress well at all and tend to internalize everything to the point where it just ends up making me physically sick.
I mean, I tend to take scripture seriously and when I come across passages like this:
"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."
-Romans 12:17-18
and
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow."
-Matthew 5:38-42
as well as
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins."
-Mark 11:25-26
I sort of begin to draw a series of conclusions that are far reaching as they are troublesome for living life
1.When we are hurt we react but we can choose how to react.
I guess this is sort of an obvious conclusion but for every action there is a reaction...especially if someone is being slapped around or taken advantage of.
The question is how to react?
How much is too much?
From personal experience...I am starting to think that Christians are not supposed to allow themselves to be destroyed because of being taken advantage of...this teaching is meant to help us overcome our base instinct to be destructive when we experience pain and mistreated by others. It is easy to be so overcome with bitterness that all we care about is revenge.
The last thing any person should do is keep themselves in a relationship, a situation where they are being drained and taken advantage of. I think there is a difference between turning the cheek and unnecessarily making ourselves into a self-righteousness martyr as an act of codependency.
2.Pacifism is a choice to be proactive in responding.
I wrote earlier than one of the biggest misunderstandings about pacifism is that it is this stoic apathy where there is no emotion or care about people being in pain. I believe Christian Pacifism is the opposite, caring so much about a situation that we rise above the petty nature of name calling and fighting to try and solve underlying issues at hand.
If people are so concerned about getting even and hitting back first there is no time to talk...no time to try and understand why things are so screwed up. Of course this takes for granted that human passions will never wait for words of wisdom...
3.This teaching is so integral to Christianity being relevant in this world because until someone decides 'enough is enough' and to refuse to hit back, violence will not end a situation as much as cause it to prolong.
Although it feels it may border on cliche, I believe John Philpot Curran had a valid point when he said that "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
It is easy to make grand statements about morality and the impossibilities inherent in the human condition but maybe I'll just quote my favorite anime Trigun:
"To realize a mistake. To not lie. To love one another. To not kill. Those are very simple things, but the times won't allow for them. There is no green on this planet, even though we want it, though we want it so badly. A place where we can live peaceful days, with no wars nor stealing, a sacred place where people can live as people. Yes, there. That place is called Paradise..."
But we live in a world of gray with shades of black and white.
It is impossible and impractical to expect non-Christians (and to an extent maybe even those in the church) to adhere to such a radical teacher as the messiah Jesus when they haven't experienced what it means to be caught up in love with Him.
In this Age we will never see world peace, we will never see all disease and pain eliminated, for war to be given up on and poverty completely eliminated...however just because it cannot be done does not given an excuse for us to not try and make a difference in this broken world.
And that difference cannot come from within us, it requires power from One outside of and much bigger than us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
"The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”"
-Matthew 19:23-26
((Side note:...wow, what a pretentious sounding title. I think I am already sounding like a overpaid and under-talented writer who has books at Lifeway...ack... >_<))
Quote of the Day:
“At the Day of Judgment, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done”
-Thomas Kempis
-Thomas Kempis
"That old saw about "to understand all is to forgive all" is a lot of tripe. Some things, the more you understand the more you loathe them."
-Robert A. Heinlein
The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?
-Robert A. Heinlein
The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Psalm 108
"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."
-Psalm 108:11-13
So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...
I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.
I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.
Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?
Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?
Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.
God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.
No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.
Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.
I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...
I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...
Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...
I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.
"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within
I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there
I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one
Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside
As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less
And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."
-Psalm 108:11-13
So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...
I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.
I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.
Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?
Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?
Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.
God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.
No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.
Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.
I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...
I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...
Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...
I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.
"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within
I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there
I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one
Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside
As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less
And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"
"That's okay because I was never home anyway
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone
Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town
But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone
Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town
But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Psalm 107
"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3
Quote of the Day:
“It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.”
-St. Francis of Assisi
-St. Francis of Assisi
Monday, August 16, 2010
I sometimes wonder if it is silly...silly that I want to learn to love others with the same reckless abandonment of Jesus.
Even those who have caused damage to my soul.
Even those who hurt my beloved.
Even those who prey on the innocent.
Those who I judge as being inferior and unworthy of love are the ones I want to learn how to love the most because Jesus died for them just as much as he did for me...and loves them, even though they may never hope to believe he does.
What little I understand...that I can grasp...I am fumbling and dropping the ball, failing and making mistakes...I am on the right path...I have forgot what peace beyond understanding is like.
Everything, yeah everything...it's going to be okay.
Peace in this eternity.
Even those who have caused damage to my soul.
Even those who hurt my beloved.
Even those who prey on the innocent.
Those who I judge as being inferior and unworthy of love are the ones I want to learn how to love the most because Jesus died for them just as much as he did for me...and loves them, even though they may never hope to believe he does.
What little I understand...that I can grasp...I am fumbling and dropping the ball, failing and making mistakes...I am on the right path...I have forgot what peace beyond understanding is like.
Everything, yeah everything...it's going to be okay.
Peace in this eternity.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Psalm 104
"Let all sinners vanish from the face of the earth;
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35
o_O
"See the ships sailing along, and Leviathan, which you made to play in the sea."
-Psalm 104:26
I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...
-Psalm 104:26
I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Reflection of Images
I never knew there was so much strength to be found in surrender...in embracing that which seem weakest and letting it influence and shape me.
Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.
Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.
Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.
Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.
Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.
Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.
Psalm 102
"But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13
What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.
Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...
I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...
Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...
It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13
What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.
Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...
I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...
Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...
It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I do not understand the purpose of drinking alcohol or even smoking for that matter.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.
But what do I know?
I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.
But what do I know?
I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.
Psalm 100
"Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5
Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.
I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...
It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.
But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...
What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.
Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5
Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.
I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...
It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.
But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...
What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.
Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Trioblóid
I hate how oversensitive I am.
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.
I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...
The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?
Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.
All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.
I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.
I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?
I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.
I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...
The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?
Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.
All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.
I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.
I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?
I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Psalm 98
"The Lord has announced his victory
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3
I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.
You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?
Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.
You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.
You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.
Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3
I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.
You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?
Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.
You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.
You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.
Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.
Covered in Darkness
I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.
Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.
Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.
The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?
Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?
Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.
Growing hope.
Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.
Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.
I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.
So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.
Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.
Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.
Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.
The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?
Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?
Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.
Growing hope.
Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.
Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.
I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.
So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.
Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
It is infuriatingly frustrating that every time I think I have 'grown up' I manage to find a way to proving to myself that I have years left before I even reach that point...
Ack.
Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?
I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...
Ack.
Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?
I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...
Psalm 97
"You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12
Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.
Even when they have hurt me so bad.
Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...
Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...
Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12
Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.
Even when they have hurt me so bad.
Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...
Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...
Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...
Friday, August 6, 2010
I'm tired of the base...the darker self...the gauntlet of emotions that I run every time a minor imperfection appears.
I want to breath.
I want feel free.
Even from the addiction of self hate.
Can I ever be free to just enjoy the perfect imperfections of life?
Without this crippling need for perfection and the want to throw a fit just because every single sub atomic particle isn't floating my way?
I disgust myself because I can have everything 'perfect' and a simple, minor detail can go wrong and I freak out...and...just...
I am, I am, I am.
Such wonderful ignorance
mixed with sin.
I don't know.
Only You do.
I am too exhausted to sort this crap out and the medications are starting to overpower me.
Just...please don't leave me here all alone.
Please.
I want to breath.
I want feel free.
Even from the addiction of self hate.
Can I ever be free to just enjoy the perfect imperfections of life?
Without this crippling need for perfection and the want to throw a fit just because every single sub atomic particle isn't floating my way?
I disgust myself because I can have everything 'perfect' and a simple, minor detail can go wrong and I freak out...and...just...
I am, I am, I am.
Such wonderful ignorance
mixed with sin.
I don't know.
Only You do.
I am too exhausted to sort this crap out and the medications are starting to overpower me.
Just...please don't leave me here all alone.
Please.
hURT...
I sometimes have to wonder...if love requires more faith than I can ever truly possess.
It is amazing what fear can cause...the emotions it evokes and how much energy it can drain.
I guess I am overly dramatic.
...is this bad in and of itself?
What change should I make...would I make to just...
I know and I don't know what my base problem is.
At the same time.
In the full extremes.
"I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
It is amazing what fear can cause...the emotions it evokes and how much energy it can drain.
I guess I am overly dramatic.
...is this bad in and of itself?
What change should I make...would I make to just...
I know and I don't know what my base problem is.
At the same time.
In the full extremes.
"I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
Psalm 96
"Sing to the Lord; praise his name.
Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."
-Psalm 96:2-3
The darkest reaches of my soul flee from the light and try to carry the rest of me there...under this groomed exterior of silence and meekness is this raging sea of anger, judgmental attitudes, fear, rage, lust, hate and every vile thing that ever was or will be.
My potential for evil knows no end and I have paid for it...as well as others.
Yet, my Jesus never has given up on me.
The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world looked and saw how stupid I would be...yet not only was my name called but you love me...love me for reasons I will never understand.
I am so broken, so needy, so selfish, so quick to get angry over nothing in this house...and yet, you love me through every unlovable moment I have.
You are mighty, so wonderful and amazing for loving me.
You could have left me to my sin but you didn't...thank you Daddy.
I want this love to become deeper, more intimate...I want the union between us to be so strong that the world will know.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...I'm so sorry for the past, for those I have caused pain...I will never be able to fix it...but please help me to live honestly and sincerely...and just openly about my failures and the grace you have given to fix it, to fix me...to love me.
Thank you again and again Daddy, thank you.
Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."
-Psalm 96:2-3
The darkest reaches of my soul flee from the light and try to carry the rest of me there...under this groomed exterior of silence and meekness is this raging sea of anger, judgmental attitudes, fear, rage, lust, hate and every vile thing that ever was or will be.
My potential for evil knows no end and I have paid for it...as well as others.
Yet, my Jesus never has given up on me.
The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world looked and saw how stupid I would be...yet not only was my name called but you love me...love me for reasons I will never understand.
I am so broken, so needy, so selfish, so quick to get angry over nothing in this house...and yet, you love me through every unlovable moment I have.
You are mighty, so wonderful and amazing for loving me.
You could have left me to my sin but you didn't...thank you Daddy.
I want this love to become deeper, more intimate...I want the union between us to be so strong that the world will know.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...I'm so sorry for the past, for those I have caused pain...I will never be able to fix it...but please help me to live honestly and sincerely...and just openly about my failures and the grace you have given to fix it, to fix me...to love me.
Thank you again and again Daddy, thank you.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Song of Songs 2:10-14
" My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."
My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely."
-Song of Songs 2:10-14
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."
My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely."
-Song of Songs 2:10-14
Psalm 95
"For the Lord is a great God,
a great King above all gods.
He holds in his hands the depths of the earth
and the mightiest mountains.
The sea belongs to him, for he made it.
His hands formed the dry land, too."
-Psalm 95:3-5
There is every reason in the world to not be thankful...and every reason in the world to complain, be bitter, angry and throw about the place sulking while in pain. The harder thing is to make myself be grateful...to breath, to take in the air around me and savor it.
To realize that TODAY is the day I live out the salvation relationship bought by Christ's blood...second by second, minute by minute this life is fading, just passing away.
Now is the chance I have to simply be.
I was dead and now I am alive.
I was found as the poison worked its way through my soul.
Who am I, that such beauty could be mine?
Who am I, that the Creator would take notice of me?
Such love,
such affection,
such beauty
for one who is so close to being a beast
if not a monster, as it were.
The thoughts linger and flicker in my mind
and pour through the wounds in my heart
as I try am hurt
and break as I live
causing more pain
to those around me.
But as the old hymn says
"Mercy there was great
and grace was free,
pardon there was multiplied to me,
there my burdened soul
found liberty,
at Calvary."
I can have a hard heart that refuses to feel...or I can feel pain, feel this grace and be pierced deep...I want your words to shake me, to break me down and have your grace and Spirit build me up as the man you made me to be.
You are so wonderful, so beautiful, so powerful, so intoxicating...even when I am in such pain and feel so alone at times...You are good, You are wonderful, so beautiful to me.
Even to me Daddy.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
a great King above all gods.
He holds in his hands the depths of the earth
and the mightiest mountains.
The sea belongs to him, for he made it.
His hands formed the dry land, too."
-Psalm 95:3-5
There is every reason in the world to not be thankful...and every reason in the world to complain, be bitter, angry and throw about the place sulking while in pain. The harder thing is to make myself be grateful...to breath, to take in the air around me and savor it.
To realize that TODAY is the day I live out the salvation relationship bought by Christ's blood...second by second, minute by minute this life is fading, just passing away.
Now is the chance I have to simply be.
I was dead and now I am alive.
I was found as the poison worked its way through my soul.
Who am I, that such beauty could be mine?
Who am I, that the Creator would take notice of me?
Such love,
such affection,
such beauty
for one who is so close to being a beast
if not a monster, as it were.
The thoughts linger and flicker in my mind
and pour through the wounds in my heart
as I try am hurt
and break as I live
causing more pain
to those around me.
But as the old hymn says
"Mercy there was great
and grace was free,
pardon there was multiplied to me,
there my burdened soul
found liberty,
at Calvary."
I can have a hard heart that refuses to feel...or I can feel pain, feel this grace and be pierced deep...I want your words to shake me, to break me down and have your grace and Spirit build me up as the man you made me to be.
You are so wonderful, so beautiful, so powerful, so intoxicating...even when I am in such pain and feel so alone at times...You are good, You are wonderful, so beautiful to me.
Even to me Daddy.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I never knew such joy was possible.
My heart feels as though it might burst from the love that you have poured into it Daddy...and just giving me the blessing of knowing her.
Even if somehow...someway...everything was taken away tomorrow I would grieve...but still this joy would remain beyond any pain...because blessed is your name, you give and take away but blessed be you for being so beautiful, so wonderful and so amazing to such an undeserving people and one like I.
Please nurture my faith so I can become stronger and not repeat the sins and mistakes of the past...I want to be able to help and not hurt...I want to be open and honest...not just stagnating in religion.
"Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me
But if you can’t close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine
Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"
My heart feels as though it might burst from the love that you have poured into it Daddy...and just giving me the blessing of knowing her.
Even if somehow...someway...everything was taken away tomorrow I would grieve...but still this joy would remain beyond any pain...because blessed is your name, you give and take away but blessed be you for being so beautiful, so wonderful and so amazing to such an undeserving people and one like I.
Please nurture my faith so I can become stronger and not repeat the sins and mistakes of the past...I want to be able to help and not hurt...I want to be open and honest...not just stagnating in religion.
"Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me
But if you can’t close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine
Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"
Monday, August 2, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Psalm 92
"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me!
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5
Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...
For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!
You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.
I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.
Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.
Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5
Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...
For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!
You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.
I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.
Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.
Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.
Midnight Rage and Redemption of Time
I have thoughts that are flitting about in my mind that I need to get out before they just break out with a chisel like Athena.
I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.
I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.
Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.
It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.
However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.
Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.
I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.
If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.
However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.
Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.
Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.
Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.
I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.
Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.
And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.
What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.
I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.
I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.
Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.
It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.
However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.
Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.
I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.
If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.
However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.
Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.
Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.
Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.
I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.
Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.
And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.
What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again
The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name"
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again
The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name"
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