I am not really sure why I thought that...

Psalm 50

"Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6


Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...

Such utter madness.

And for what end?

You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.

I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.



Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.

I hate feeling helpless to help...

Bah...breath.

I guess that is the best I can do on such short notice.

Well that and prayer.

Ridiculous amounts of prayer.

Three weeks?
Bah.

I have forgotten how much I really dislike this day...

Quote of the Day:

"Christians are all wounded healers-wandering sheep who are now shepherds. We are fish who are now fishermen and fisherwomen. We are the cracked, broken and chipped bricks of the house of God that now form a cathedral-little shards of tile and glass that fit into a larger mosaic."
-Mike Sares

Psalm 49

"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9


There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.

I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.

I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.


Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...

I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.

After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?

It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.


"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me

I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"

It is daytime.
There is a sun up.
Stuff is going on.
Life and life.

Two weeks of nothing...God I'm sad to keep track of that.
And...

I'm just too tired to bother with crying right now.
I think I can settle for a sigh and a prayer.

I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.

The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.

I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.

Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?

I am just me.

The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.

I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.

I want to just be me...whoever that really is.

People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.

In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.

Explosion.

Ack.

Psalm 48

"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1

The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?

I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.

There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.

You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.

I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...

Why...just...why?

Please...say something?
I feel like I'm going insane from the silence...

Oie.

Psalm 47

"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4

Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?

I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...

Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.

You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.

Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.

More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.

You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.

Please.



"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

Turns out I'm a narcissist!
Hooray!

I could lie and say a simple hi would suffice...but it would never be quite enough...

Oh well...still praying for some true resolution outside of simply awaiting the end of this age.

I think my head will explode from stress.

Yup.

Seems that way.

Now to walk over and clean some more dishes while whistling cheerfully.

Late Morning Musings

Living here with John, Josh and Carrie has been one of the best decisions I have ever made...I don't sleep well, there is almost always a huge pile of dishes, there is relationship drama...but there is actual love and caring.

Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.

I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.

I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.

No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...


My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...

What a change.

That is the single most vivid nightmare I have ever had.

God...wow.

It's nice.
Very nice.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1


I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.

I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...


I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.

I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.

Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.

You know?

I want to move forward...wherever that may be...

Wisdom of the Day:

Matt: "Eventually life gets to a point to where it is so bad that it is not actually bad anymore."

John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."

"Nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
Nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
Nothing can stop me now
You don't need me anymore"

Hmm...I do take this to mean the Wastelands are calling...

Considering how everything is going...that wasn't totally unexpected...but as callous as this sounds I have more important things to deal with at this moment.

The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.

I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.

Thanks again.

Sort of what I had assumed anyway...

Wow...that was senselessly melodramatic.
I just haven't slept in a while.
Close to a day and a half.

I can feel my chest starting to collapse from the failed efforts of an exhausted heart.

It may have been stupid to even try but I REFUSE to believe that hoping was in and of itself stupid.

That was the old me.

He is dead.

I will hope, I will dare to dream and even if it doesn't happen now...one day when everything is made new...I'll see you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2



I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.

It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.

I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?

I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.

I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...

Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?

"The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"

It seems the less sleep I get the more vivid my nightmares become...
I live in fear of the day that they all might come to fruition.

"And we both stand tall on the table
You take me by the hand and I grab You by the throat
And we come crashing down through the window
On the dirt ground below
And we wrestle in the mud and the blood and the beer
Break my jaw I don’t care
Just stay with me, stay

Lock my arms I don’t want to move
Hold me still teach me how to weep
If it’s ok with You I think I’ll stay here
For a little while

Fell in love with the game
But I forgot Your name
Go ahead please find me
Cause I’m not scared
Though You stayed the same
I forgot from where I came"

Still...after all this time...all I want is you...

I'm too tired for these crosses right now...but it's not about my strength...right?

Quote of the Day

"But already my desire and my will were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed, by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."
-Dante Alighieri

Casting Aside to Hell and Heaven

Creeping, falling thoughts
just echoing
as the distance grows.

Hellish sparks
fly from my eyes
as I am carried
just dragged
and pulled
by this intoxicating madness.

Sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Fear.
Lust.
Confusion.
I'm nothing better than an animal
a sick creatue
just begging to be put down.

God just knows how lost I really am.

What does it matter
when the only one you want to help
you only hurt
and push further
and further away?

What does one say
when it seems the rain that falls
does nothing
to cover the shame
and the growing self hate?

These words are as worthless
as every time
I ever professed caring
or love
or hope
or faith.

My faith and love
are nothing more than self serving
ramblings of a child
who has lost his way
and is plummeting
down this rabbit hole.

There is no Wonder Land,
just a Hellish nightmare
waiting for me
while I hope you,
yes
you blessed muse
are able to find solace,
the peace beyond everlasting peace.

As for I and I,
there is a short time before impact
but I must rip my soul apart
just to put it back in place.

Maybe there is some sort of hope
or it's all a delusion.
Either way
life has grown unbearably long
without thy aid.

I will walk this Inferno.
I will plumb the depths
and taste the bitterness
of every sin
and see the twisted nature
of those eternally damned.

I will walk without Virgil
and cast aside these broken weapons
which only served to damn me further.
Maybe I will find you
at the gates of Paradiso
like Dante's Beatrice,
but most likely
this is nothing more than a dream
and I will wake to the rain falling on me
as I have been laying prone in the gutter
where I left my resolve and faith.



"But already my desire and my will
were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed,
by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."

"Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me"

Psalm 41

"The Lord nurses them when they are sick
and restores them to health.

“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:3-4

Yeah...

Why?
And still...nothing...

Spirals...down...down...down...

Most people can promise anything...but I think I would follow through on everything...even if you don't care to realize it...anything like that is sacrificing all...but it is easy for me to say when I have such few commitments but...truth is truth just as love will always be love.

I hope it makes sense...even though i know I rarely make sense to me...you just had the misfortune of...you know.

I wish...I could just...let you know...everything...

Why bother...gah.
I just...
Words.
And words again.
Gargh.

I miss you.

I want to scream from being tired of the idiocy.

God I am loosing what little self control and patience I have.