I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.

Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?

Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.

I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?

Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.

What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?

Everything and nothing.

I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.

Psalm 38

"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9


I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.

Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.


"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"

I have my hair cut now.
That may not solve any of my existential issues but my neck is much cooler and I can actually see when I both walk and drive.

I might be able to find the means to having a peaceful sleep one of these days...

"I hope you're happy now..."

It's stupid to miss someone so much that it feels like you've lost a part of yourself.

I guess I am stupid.

Ack.

Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness

Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?

I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?

I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.

I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.

You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.

Please.

Irritation.
Peace.
Please?

Quote of the Day:

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."
-Mother Teresa

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7


I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.

Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.

Love me.

You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.

You bled and died on a cross for me and them.

I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.


I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.

Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.

I would like to scream right now.
Preferably with a lot of profanities while jumping around the room kicking stuff and screaming about why life is hardly fair at all.

*sigh*

God.

Creed is officially marketing itself as a Christian band now?
I wish Hell would stop freezing over already...

Quote of the Day:

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
—Brennan Manning

Nothing

Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.

I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.

Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.

Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.

Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.

I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'm in a place where words are no longer real.

There is no rest.

None could understand except those already here...yet...

Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.

Thoughts...just...

Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.


I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.

The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?

I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?

I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.

I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.

What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.

I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.

Looks like it's going to be a Nine Inch Nails kind of night...

Psalm 36

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
in the shadow of your wings."
-Psalm 36:7

With all the pain, hate, anger, hurting and fear floating around this Hellish nightmare landscape...I'm sorry I forget about this love...this compassion You have for others. I don't understand but that does not excuse apathy and ignoring other people's pain because of apathy.

I never thought I would be back in Mobile or stuck here as long as I have and am going to be...yet You knew about this. You knew about me living in this house, those I would meet, the friends I would bump into last night, the conversations I would have today.

Is there a purpose and plan in this growing disaster?
I pray, I ache, my soul cries out for others and myself...and so often it feels like just...maybe...it's all in vain.

And...yet, Your love is still here...even when I want to doubt and no longer believe.
This doubt feels like it covers my skin...like a second coating of sin that tries to burrow under my flesh and slide into my soul. I feel infected with apathy and a lack of concern for the world.

I don't want to be You...but I want to feel your love and compassion and carry that to those I know and do not know. I do not need a bigger ego...just a bigger capacity for love and wanting to help others.



I need You here right now...just as badly as the others need You right now...in such a vivid and true way. Not just words or a feeling...but You like only You can do. No matter what happens I need to believe that at the end of this day Your love still remains for a faithless fiend like me...that no matter how much more pain I cause and how deep I try to dig this hole...Your love will win out over this Hell.

Teach me to truly pray.
For my words are naught more than worthless garbage.

"I speak religion's message clear
and I control you
I am denial guilt and fear
and I control you
I am the prayers of the naive
and I control you
I am the lie that you believe
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct"

I don't really know what I was expecting...but yeah.
Hoping it may have just been a bad dream...but it's not the end of the world.
Just a bit more confusion and pain for today...

Luckily there is grace.
And hope.
Endless hope.

I somehow feel even more sick.
Worry as well.

Somehow every decision is wrong...

Quote of the Day:

"Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable."
-G.K. Chesterton

I am so exhausted...and in so much pain.
Wow.

So much...so much.

But...can't stop now...

Quote of the Day:

"If knowing answers to life's questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowable - of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and, most of all, things unfair."
-Jeanne Guyon

Psalm 34

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
-Psalm 34:17-18



"Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore"




Your cross.
Your love.
My words are empty.
My heart is broken.
Abba.
Father.
How can You love one such as me?

Thank you for your grace, for my friends and the faith family shielding me...thank you for letting me be here in this moment...the pain is so much but thank you Father.
Thank you for the good, the bad and horrible...thank you for those who love me and have carried me this far...please help me return their love a thousand fold.

Thank you.

My tears, prayers and work will never be enough...so help me learn how to rest and let things be and worship You.

Thank you.
Thank you.

"The Beginning" -Showbread

Quote of the Day:

"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
—Brennan Manning

"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you."

Reliving

Memories following translucent thoughts
that make their own path
to where my heart
is conveniently located on my sleeve.

Reality isn't quite what I thought it would be
but life is so much more beautiful
than I could have hoped to have seen.

Broken words,
shattered promises
occupy these twisted lanes
that lead me to life
and the light
at the foot of Your cross.

There is life returning
to these broken limbs
and shattered bones,
I am beginning to feel alive
as I wait and pray.

I want to feel this hope
and refuse to be victimized
by my senselessness
and hopeless disregard.

Hope.
Beautiful hope.
You are still alive.

Psalm 33

"For the word of the Lord holds true,
and we can trust everything he does.
He loves whatever is just and good;
the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth."
-Psalm 33:1-2


Trust...love.

Such two loaded words that I am unsure about.
You need both for the either to exist.

I mention so often about how I desperately want to be faithful...but faithful to whom? About what?
Why is it so easy for my heart to be swayed and distracted from You?

I want...to love.
I want to care.

What is it going to take for me to be faithful?
For me to trust?
Completely?
What will it take for me to let go and let You be?

When there is so much Hell present in this world, so many hurting, so much ache...can you help me believe Your love is here?

I have felt it burning inside of me I know you care...I know You are here...just please help me believe. Help my stagnant and apathetic heart...break me, love me...just as You have. Reassure this flippant heart that You are You.

Thank you.
Have I said that recently?
Thank you.
For everything good and bad that has happened in my life, thank you.
Please help me to be more...of myself.
To let go and simply be.

Thank you.

Quote of the Day:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman

I'm so out of it.
I don't know...

Muse fire to my soul.

Quote of the Day:

"Quia amasti me, fecisti me amabilem."
-Augustine

I'm looking at being dangerously optimistic today...

Psalm 31

"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to my enemies
but have set me in a safe place."
-Psalm 31:7-8


What religion, what god, what being, what cosmic source cares about sinners?
You are the only One who actively seeks out the least of these...the worst of the worst...You call us bastard children by name and come to our side.

As often as I have tried to escape this impossible love...ever have You remained faithful.

Rejoice...rejoice...such beauty, such grace, such love...I just want to share how much I love and appreciate everything. My words are so useless...I have nothing but feeble words of thanks and praise.

I have so many thanks for the times You have answered my prayers...the times You have dragged me kicking and screaming to a place of reflection...the times You have let me sit in darkness just so I could see the falseness within my heart...all of this...all these things...

It almost feels like I should lament over wasted years but the beauty is that You have forgiven me for all things. To beat myself over such things is sheer pointlessness because I have came here for a specific and real purpose.

Everything that is...that will be...that ever was...these things are...such beauty...

I just want to be faithful.
All of the words, thoughts and hopes...
Help me be faithful in the small and large things.
I could never do this on my own.
Thank You for carrying me.



"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie

And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me

I rejoice
Rejoice"

Dawn

Such funny little words
sit perched st the tip of my tongue
as I began this day with hope anew.

There is so much I do and do not know
and fear mixed with hope
about through my soul
as the wind swirls the rising mists.

Once more I am posed to rise,
sword in hand
book in the other
as I hope to hope for peace.

These words loose meaning
when they are divorced
from their precious context.

I will find the reason to smile today,
the joy will not be so easily stolen away.
Pain will rise and fall,
life will continue its downward spiral
but hope shall continue.
Love will overcome and win.

"But for Grace, my soul had perished,
Withered as the desert sand;
Gone to shadows, and tormented,
But for Grace's perfect plan!
But for God's unceasing Mercy,
But for Calvary 's sacrifice;
I had wandered, blind and thirsting,
Fell to Satan's grim device.
But the blessed blood of Jesus,
Shed upon that cruel tree;
Called me from the ling'ring shadows,
Saved my soul, and rescued me!
But for Grace, O Grace perfected,
But for love's undying flame;
I had never hoped in Jesus,
Ne'er had even known His name!"

The Problem of Me

Myself.
That is what my chief problem feels like.

"Do this..."
"Don't do this..."
"Go here..."
"Go there..."

All these voices, all these commands...so much of it is just in my head and all I want to do is be faithful to You. I don't care about being successful, I don't care about finding people, what people think of me...I could learn to live with being rejected and hated if I could just find...the next step.

Wherever.
However.
No matter what it looks like, no matter the cost...I don't care how much it hurts, I don't care if I have to set all of this on fire...just please...show me the way.

I feel lost.
My faith is so paradoxically stronger when I feel weakest and that I am only a breath from death's door...I'm sick of being in constant pain and doubt.

I have see You.
I have felt the intense beauty of communion in my soul...You have redeemed me, picked me up, carry me...brought me this far.

How do I be faithful when I do not know if I can hold on any longer?
It feels like...I've been here for ages.
Just waiting.
Aching.


"The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace."
-Psalm 29:10-11

Where is this strength?
Where is this peace?
You feel so far away...and God it hurts so much.
Do you ever feel the ache of having me so far apart?
You bleed and died on a cross but did you feel the ache of our distance before grace came upon me?

You feel so distant that I am afraid I might die of fright.
The cold is frigid and burns my soul, ripping apart my false notions of hope.

Just give me the strength for today.
Help me see the beauty around me, falling in the rain from the sky.
Help me to see the love of family where bonds flow deeper than blood and souls intertwine in ways only You understand.
Give me the strength to crawl forward and live this grace.
I don't want this world.
I do not need it.
Strip everything away and just leave me Your love that will never cease.
Send me into the night.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Please.
Use me again.

"And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease

Your love
Your mercy
Your light unending
Your hope
Your peace
Your strength my heart is mending
Daylight
Save me"

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

I feel like such an idiot for even trying...but it is better to try and have things not work...than just be all cynical and apathetic and sit here pretending to be something...someone I am not.

I hate cynicism because I want to be hopeful.
People...everyone will fail.
Everything will end.
But You oh Lord...so much love and peace...beyond my understanding.

I won't give up so easily...

Hello cynicism, miss me?

Hope.

Can't sleep...rest...or relax...stress, pain, worry, fear, self hate...this whole school thing is just screwed up.

Life...is just...is so much more than just a grade or doing something to make people happy...I just want to feel that I am not a complete failure...I need to feel loved and wanted...I don't like feeling so empty and useless.

...so that is what the sound of my dreams crashing into the ground and exploding sound like...ah...just checking...

My soul falls apart at the sound
of the decaying cries
crossing this life.

I feel so...I don't know...so out of it...such a mix.
Such a foul mix.

Quote of the Day:

"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
Our ancestors trusted in you,
and you rescued them.
They cried out to you and were saved.
They trusted in you and were never disgraced.

But I am a worm and not a man.
I am scorned and despised by all!
Everyone who sees me mocks me.
They sneer and shake their heads, saying,
“Is this the one who relies on the Lord?
Then let the Lord save him!
If the Lord loves him so much,
let the Lord rescue him!”

Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb
and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
You have been my God from the moment I was born.

Do not stay so far from me,
for trouble is near,
and no one else can help me.
My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls;
fierce bulls of Bashan have hemmed me in!
Like lions they open their jaws against me,
roaring and tearing into their prey.
My life is poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart is like wax,
melting within me.
My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.
My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs;
an evil gang closes in on me.
They have pierced my hands and feet.
I can count all my bones.
My enemies stare at me and gloat.
They divide my garments among themselves
and throw dice for my clothing.

O Lord, do not stay far away!
You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!
Save me from the sword;
spare my precious life from these dogs.
Snatch me from the lion’s jaws
and from the horns of these wild oxen.

I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters.
I will praise you among your assembled people.
Praise the Lord, all you who fear him!
Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob!
Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel!
For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
He has not turned his back on them,
but has listened to their cries for help.

I will praise you in the great assembly.
I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
The poor will eat and be satisfied.
All who seek the Lord will praise him.
Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
The whole earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to him.
All the families of the nations will bow down before him.
For royal power belongs to the Lord.
He rules all the nations.

Let the rich of the earth feast and worship.
Bow before him, all who are mortal,
all whose lives will end as dust.
Our children will also serve him.
Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord.
His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born.
They will hear about everything he has done.

"I put my face down in my hands,
water wells inside my eyes.
What do I have to give them?
Does it matter if I try?
I can’t stand to see you suffer,
I try to intellectualize,
a formula to end you pain,
it doesn’t work,
God knows I’ve tried.

I want to try and save the world,
but it never goes that way.
God I don’t know what to do,
down at Colfax and Broadway.

Sometimes my cup is overfilled.
Sometimes I’m too afraid that I’m going to spill."

I hate losing friends because of my beliefs...I hate the feeling of driving people away because of what I believe and how the Holy One...can be the only true Love in my life...

*sigh*