Quote of the Day:

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”
-C.S. Lewis

"But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you

Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms

Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"

Okay.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.

I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.

But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.

Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.

I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.

Ack.
Need more sleep...

Quite possibly one of the worst aspects of fibromyalgia is how it manages to rip out whatever energy I have in my body...it also manages to do this in the most excruciating way possible.

On the bright side of things...hope lives.

I am absolutely baffled as to whether or not things are shaping into good or...or better good?

I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.

It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...

Quote of the Day:

“Ceremony leads her bigots forth, prepared to fight for shadows of no worth. While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.”
-William Cowper

I hate my dreams.
They are so often...nightmares.
God...why?

Is it too much to ask for a peaceful night's sleep?
Reality is painful enough without having...reminders of what I will never have...never see...never feel...just having it shoved into my face like that?

*sigh*

I am feeling a serious amount of vindictive rage towards those "Christians" who seek to make those with a past feel inferior...as though they are somehow NOT human.

God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...

Quote of the Day:

“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons...(as)...things.”
-Lawrence G. Lovasik

Zero

Broken and decrepit
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.

A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.

Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.

Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.

...why is it the ones who seem to go on and on about having "a relationship with Jesus" are the ones who seem to have the least amount of an idea as to what that really means?

Is there a divine score card being kept about how close I am getting to having an aneurysm?

I'm not sure I can ever be paid enough to deal with the levels of drama that come from being around certain people...escaping that with my sanity intact might be reason enough to flee north...

Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...

Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...

Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"

Quote of the Day:

“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

And...yeah.
Knew it was coming...still...

It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...

Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.

At least in the realm of fiction...where fate is determined by the rolls of dice and the whims of a GM I can win.

Sometimes.

Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.

I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.

Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.

Getting up at seven AM to go hunting for Legos at a flea market was awesome.
Watching half of the second Transformers movie reminds me why I hate Michael Bay and reaffirms any movie remake of something from my childhood as being nothing but a horrible, horrible idea.

*sigh*

Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.

That would make the most logical end to most of this.

I feel like a mix between "Creep" by Radiohead and "Losing My Religion" by REM.

And...music for the soul.
Prayers for the lonely and hopeful.
Regret that life has manifested as it has.

I just want perfection in a broken world.
Is that too much to ask?

I wonder if I will ever have a vision...a large vision for the world again.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.

I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.

Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.

I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.

I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.

Quote of the day:

“Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”
-Elie Wiesel

"Red light, grey morning
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing

If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough

Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin

And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough

Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"

Of course.
More pain.
*sigh*

Why was I born again?

"I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I exerted more effort than I personally cared to at this date and time.
I will sleep well tonight.
Goodnight world.

"You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
And my shame
All my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for"

I hate when I dream.
Things are far too vivid...I never know if it's real or not...even after waking up.

I just...

Ack.
Argh.
Bleh.
Mefgh.
Pain.

...in hindsight I really wish youtube would have chosen a different picture to show for the trailer.

Oh well.

>_>

Amazing Movie Trailer

God I don't want to dream about her again...I want the past to stay dead.
The last thing I need is more memories being ripped out of the grave.

Quote of the Day:

“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis

Note to self:

Stop taking what people say at face value.
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.

Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.

I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.

If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.

I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.

Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!

Meh...whatever.

I think I may honestly start screaming if this pain gets much worse.

A breath of air at a new dawn.

"far away in distant skies
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room

she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"

*sigh*

Of course my dreams would be about THAT...

As if real life wasn't bad enough.
I thought I was getting over that...

Quote of the Day:

"None of us has ever seen a motive. Therefore, we don't know and we can't do anything more than suspect what inspires the action of another. For this good and valid reason, we're told not to judge. Tragedy is that our attention centers on what people are not, rather than on what they are and who they might become."
— Brennan Manning

Ack.
I feel like death.

But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...


"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

The Baffling Nature of Want

People do not know what they need, much less what they deepest desires mean.

We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.

Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.

All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.

We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.

It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.

It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.

Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.

Being Here

This broken tomb is fading
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.

Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.

I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.

Insufficient Praise

Jesus...I'm not sure if it's the pain screaming through my body...or the bit of conversation I just had...but thank you.

You just...I think I finally got the point You have been trying to get me to understand for a while.

...am I always this hard headed and silly?
You made a strong point.
To react negatively would...nullify the point.
I am having trouble keeping myself from being violently ill...the migraine is excruciating...my spine is singing out in dissonance...my heart is baffled...but oh my soul?

Will You promise...it will rejoice this much...if not more so when our eyes meet for the first time? When we embrace? Oh Lover..my Love...my sweet, sweet Love...can You promise to intoxicate my soul like this with every moment of prayer, every embrace and every time we brush against each other?

I just need You...please...please let the inferior slip away...marriage makes sense...to be able to teach others to see You...with such passion and intimacy...that the love for each other points TOWARD this...I don't need that silly trapping.

Just please...let me fall down this rabbit hole even further...let me drink of this grace...let me feel it burn my insides as it fills me with warmth.
Teach me...love me...oh never let me remain the same...thank you for grace...for the cross...for so much love oh Lover...oh thank You.

"Shaking brilliant silver-black wings
Jesus Christ, what prayers these tears sing"

Billowing Heights

I want to go walk in a field of dandelions
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.

I don't even have words right now.
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.

Bad, bad, bad.

I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...

At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/

Quote of the Day:

"Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it."
-Blaise Pascal

"Far away in distant skies
I see starlight in your eyes.
Do you think of miracles,
are they only dreams for fools?"

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Matt Pike - Bringing new meaning to unhealthy since July 22, 1986.