Billowing Heights

I want to go walk in a field of dandelions
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.

I don't even have words right now.
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.

Bad, bad, bad.

I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...

At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/

Quote of the Day:

"Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it."
-Blaise Pascal

"Far away in distant skies
I see starlight in your eyes.
Do you think of miracles,
are they only dreams for fools?"

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Matt Pike - Bringing new meaning to unhealthy since July 22, 1986.

Quote of the Day:

"There are two types of men in this world- one is looking for a woman to make his life complete and the other is looking for a woman to join his complete life."
-Donald Miller

Endlessly Rotating Circles (Poem)

I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.

I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.

Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.

I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...




This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.

I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.

I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.

For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.

Life is so utterly ridiculous that I have to just smile right now.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.

Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.

Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.

Endlessly Rotating Circles

I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel and I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.

I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...

Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.

I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?

I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.

I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.

I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?

Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.

You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?

I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...

It's just me being me being me being me.

I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.

If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.

All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.










This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.

I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.

I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.

For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.

Waiting...would be stupid...right?







Yeah...I thought so.

I'm glad for the good...trying to be happy for all...
...but I'm not nice enough just yet...trying hard though.

"my soul is so afraid to realize
how very little bit is left of me"

At what point did the Bible stop getting treated as a historical document?
Dealing with the abuse of criticism and the sheer presumptuous arrogance of some is quite an irritant.

Quote of the Day, The Second Part:

“Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds”
-Douglas Adams

*sigh*

I am an idiot.

...trying to be positive...

A Pause for Breath

Is it March?
Really?
When did that happen?

I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.

Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.

The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.

I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.

Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...

And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.

Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?

I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.

It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...

But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.

Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.

Quote of the Day:

"Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required."
-Blaise Pascal

It was so stupid of me to even bother trying that.
Ack.
When will I learn?

Getting to be so tired.
Ack.
Sleepy.

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

So much need...so much hurt...where can the healing come from?
Why must you feel so far away?
How can...in what manner may I serve?
To bring the chance for hope and peace for these?

Too many thoughts and too little means of dissimulation...

Fifteen hours of sleep later I am feeling a touch better.

Quote of the Day:

"Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable."
-Blaise Pascal

...

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

Maybe one day this side of eternity I won't hurt so badly.

How much of this is sincerity and how much preconditioned rambling nonsense I am spouting like a parrot speaking of Homer?

Where is this salvation I claim?
At what point does sincerity overcome my selfishness?

"Despite our selfish selves,
despite all loss of hope,
despite our lack of faith,
despite our stony hearts,
despite the waning moon,
despite the ebbing tide of how we think this world should be.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise Him all creatures here below,
praise Him above ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Gray rainy day, down in the mud for us.
Don't feel I can sing,
songs to the God in control of the seasons.
But what's good and bad,
flow from the hands,
of the God with the perfect plan.
Filling us with joy, all of this will glorify."

Hope is something I must fight for in order for it to endure.
My faith is so weak...the smallest pain and change in my plan makes me loose courage and seek to find pity and some means of diverting myself from this life.

Quote of the Day:

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
— Anne Lamott

So many thoughts for so late an hour...so many considerations and so many things.
God...why do I dig holes like this?
I feel...I feel...
The things...the thoughts...the...every...thing...

My soul is rather sad. =/

I...I'm missing...something...

So excited about the potential of Wheaton...

"Where does the misunderstanding come from,
demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement
although some might say we desired it.
So then for times when things get old I might get cynical
I see that I don't see.
Do they see you when they see me?

In honesty there's room for improvement
Thoughts may change, the truth be told,
A closed mind will leave you empty
Use your mind to use your soul.

Alert the press, their dogmas are a mess,
Opinions shift, a broken sift, an empty hand,
And billboards ask, 'where do they stand.'
Do all streams lead to one sea?"

Quote of the Day:

"Beware you are not a fiery, persecuting enthusiast. Do not imagine that God has called you...to destroy men’s lives, and not to save them. Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God. Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are farthest out of the way never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth, and love."
-John Wesley

Reckless pursuit of God.
Abandonment of all...things, others and most importantly of self.
To the point of discomfort and even destruction.
We exist in duality and only through the Divine intervention can we continue and if we do abandon everything...we will be destroyed but not before our time.

And not as needless martyrs but as ones given over to fervent love...the only thing that can change the world in a positive manner.

I need the influence of others who feels this way...that by giving over to this 'insanity' that it is the best way. I'm tired of being around halfhearted Christians...we're all going to die and this body is going to be destroyed before it is made perfect...so why even try to deny and delay the inevitable?

I need to know others like this...ideally be around them...I'm not entirely sure they exsist but I will find them as needed.

Comfort is a luxury I cannot afford.

Companionship is only a luxury, if Jesus was abandoned, forsaken and despised for following will of His Father, under what pretense and delusion do I keep that I will not be treated the same for following my convictions to their utter end?

Being perfect is a state of being impossible for a broken and fallen human being...but it is still something I strive for, I fight for...and ultimately something something I will end up dying for...such fatal thinking.

Quote of the Day:

"Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, "God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts."

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.

The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.""
— Rob Bell

Ack!
Can't focus on paper >_<


Oie.

It's amazing how Law and Order: SVU manages to pry and and almost remove what little faith I still have in human beings.

I feel the faintest trace of what it will be like to rest in my Lover's arms once this battle is over and all is said and done.

No more tears, no more aches, no more fear, no more anxiety...everything will be replaced with love and peace eternal.

The tears will be wiped away and the self destruction within will be removed.

Such an awesome, infinite, terrifying but wonderful...love, perfect love that baptizes and heals the soul.

So enigmatic and beyond words...it feels my praise are so insufficient that they may be curses...

I just want to see this, see this with you, see our Love together so that I will no longer be bound by bad health and this failing spirit and we can walk together throughout the ebbs and tides of eternity.

Yes.
Yes it does actually.
=)

"But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around"

Oie my heard hurts.

...I just realized it was March.