I want to hide, I'm afraid of what I am opening now.
Just speaking seems like a sin and I see no real way out.
I keep looking, trying to breath, begging for a way out and a way to see and everything is blank.
What is this?
What is going on?
I think it's less scary to be involved with questions because the answers are so definitive and terrifying.
I want to run away but I want better grammar.
Does it matter when I hurt as well?
I don't know how to answer these problems except to say not knowing is still in fact a type of knowing, just not one people are happy with.
Should I move?
Am I just being delusional?
If I can beg, borrow or metaphorically steal the money I'm going...
...just where is up to You and...maybe...
...but if I am not careful it will be nothing more than second guesses about guesses and God the pain, the pain of change and knowing that You love me enough to never leave me here.
Bless me even if it kills me Father.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Quote of the day:
Black Mage: I have doubts about the viability of manned flight.
Red Mage: Is it the crashing? It's the crashing isn't it?
Black Mage: It features prominently.
Thief: We're not going to accomplish anything by burning to death in here. Let's move!
Black Mage: But there's no fire.
FWOOSH!
Black Mage: Oh, THAT fire.
Red Mage: Is it the crashing? It's the crashing isn't it?
Black Mage: It features prominently.
Thief: We're not going to accomplish anything by burning to death in here. Let's move!
Black Mage: But there's no fire.
FWOOSH!
Black Mage: Oh, THAT fire.
A Crimson Painted Rose For You, Dear
The excruciating pain is back...spreading it feels like.
I can't talk to...no...
It is inconsequential.
I hate myself so much sometimes.
I want to be strong when I'm weak.
I hate the pain I cause more than me.
Why do I butcher relationships?
The people I hurt the most are...
Redundancy, ridiculousness, redemption...?
Baptized thoughts, moderately alright.
Jesus Christ, don't leave me here.
Teach me to love, even, even me.
I've forgotten what life is just long...enough...
I want to hurt myself again,
baptize myself in pain
to trim away
just cut away
and see the hurt
and feel it deep in my soul
so I know
that you know
what this hate
feels like
overflowing
and filling up your soul.
Everything, everyone
just hurts.
It all hurts.
Every thought, every breath
every cry, every mindless baying purchase
bringing you right back to here.
I'm sick of temporal,
the fleeting finite
and I want it to all end.
I want to sleep now,
forever and ever.
See this body die
and my soul break free
to just fly, fly to You
and never be separated again.
By this sin, this shame;
my finite eternal Hell on earth.
I am exasperation,
I am desperation,
I am desecration,
I am the desolation,
I am the decree of blaspheme
of which you all have been waiting for.
The one who would crack,
finally snap
and realize how little has meaning.
Strip me down,
rip me apart
and take away this mountain of trash.
I'm wearing my own crown of shame
and feel it being twisted in
and the thorns cutting into my scalp
as I sit here mocking You
just as I mocked myself
on that faithful Day.
I feel anger,
enough rage to explode
and destroy this unholy
and distracted place.
Enough rage to hate me
almost as much as You
and realize how this has been a waste
a grand gesture of futile reminiscence
of just how much I hate.
I can sing
but it's distorted
and dissonance
and a dichotomy of sin,
pure unadulterated
adultery of the soul.
I was never Yours,
just a goat
playing at being a sheep
and here I am.
Just send me to the slaughter as You will
and be done with it
because I can't fake it
one more minute
or hold onto something I never knew
as this falsehood.
The one who reads this line
will think it is for them
never realizing this was never
it could never be about this
or the events of that
just the juxtaposition
of a soul screaming for Home,
never knowing or wanting this life
but being damned into the flesh
and longing for release.
I'm screaming please,
no more.
God let this pain end.
I can't carry this weight,
You promised to make it light and easy
but all I feel is the weight digging
and burrowing into my soul.
The vampires of fellowship
just draining my strength
and I want this all to burn.
What little I loved I hate now
and want to see flames
and everything I loved destroyed
just so there is a monument
to my shame, my fear and weakness.
So they know I never lied
and the pain I am in
is so real
they would kill themselves
just to be free
and I'll never
never
hear someone accusing me of faking
pretending to be ill
or
say how useless I am
because of choices I never made.
I hate this weakness
that drives my soul
to pretend
and fake
loving
and
knowing
so much hatred
because I'm afraid of love
or committing to life
and
and
and
I just long to be free
from this Hell
this temporal
that feels eternal
Jesus Christ
I love you so
that it hurts to know
the Eternal
and feel so ignored.
I am ignoble
and full of sin
and not worthy
to whisper Your name
while I lay
crumpled
dying
bleeding
in this pile of ----
begging to be named
just so I can hurt more
and it's trite
and reluctant
and full of refuse
that I refuse
to name again.
Demons clinging to my soul
as I drift like a leaf
begging to be a cherry blossom
so I may be beautiful
just for once in my short life.
Temporal as a deficient
as speaking with you.
Just leaving me more empty
as I long for less empathy
just so I won't miss...as...much.
And here again,
I dance to the music slowly
wishing for You
to consume my soul
burn me alive
and replace this pain with
Love eternal
and here
here
here
here
here
here
I wait.
Again.
At night.
Hoping,
praying,
loathing,
crying,
sinning,
hating,
not knowing
and waiting.
Please be swift
be quick to save
and revive me from
my
selfishness
sin
desocration
of soul
again.
I offered no bookends,
no blank pages
just this falling apart
sensation in my soul.
Take it as You will
and know,
just know
how little remains
as I fall
but how I loved You
before I knew You
and I will die
just to Love,
just to Love again.
I can't talk to...no...
It is inconsequential.
I hate myself so much sometimes.
I want to be strong when I'm weak.
I hate the pain I cause more than me.
Why do I butcher relationships?
The people I hurt the most are...
Redundancy, ridiculousness, redemption...?
Baptized thoughts, moderately alright.
Jesus Christ, don't leave me here.
Teach me to love, even, even me.
I've forgotten what life is just long...enough...
I want to hurt myself again,
baptize myself in pain
to trim away
just cut away
and see the hurt
and feel it deep in my soul
so I know
that you know
what this hate
feels like
overflowing
and filling up your soul.
Everything, everyone
just hurts.
It all hurts.
Every thought, every breath
every cry, every mindless baying purchase
bringing you right back to here.
I'm sick of temporal,
the fleeting finite
and I want it to all end.
I want to sleep now,
forever and ever.
See this body die
and my soul break free
to just fly, fly to You
and never be separated again.
By this sin, this shame;
my finite eternal Hell on earth.
I am exasperation,
I am desperation,
I am desecration,
I am the desolation,
I am the decree of blaspheme
of which you all have been waiting for.
The one who would crack,
finally snap
and realize how little has meaning.
Strip me down,
rip me apart
and take away this mountain of trash.
I'm wearing my own crown of shame
and feel it being twisted in
and the thorns cutting into my scalp
as I sit here mocking You
just as I mocked myself
on that faithful Day.
I feel anger,
enough rage to explode
and destroy this unholy
and distracted place.
Enough rage to hate me
almost as much as You
and realize how this has been a waste
a grand gesture of futile reminiscence
of just how much I hate.
I can sing
but it's distorted
and dissonance
and a dichotomy of sin,
pure unadulterated
adultery of the soul.
I was never Yours,
just a goat
playing at being a sheep
and here I am.
Just send me to the slaughter as You will
and be done with it
because I can't fake it
one more minute
or hold onto something I never knew
as this falsehood.
The one who reads this line
will think it is for them
never realizing this was never
it could never be about this
or the events of that
just the juxtaposition
of a soul screaming for Home,
never knowing or wanting this life
but being damned into the flesh
and longing for release.
I'm screaming please,
no more.
God let this pain end.
I can't carry this weight,
You promised to make it light and easy
but all I feel is the weight digging
and burrowing into my soul.
The vampires of fellowship
just draining my strength
and I want this all to burn.
What little I loved I hate now
and want to see flames
and everything I loved destroyed
just so there is a monument
to my shame, my fear and weakness.
So they know I never lied
and the pain I am in
is so real
they would kill themselves
just to be free
and I'll never
never
hear someone accusing me of faking
pretending to be ill
or
say how useless I am
because of choices I never made.
I hate this weakness
that drives my soul
to pretend
and fake
loving
and
knowing
so much hatred
because I'm afraid of love
or committing to life
and
and
and
I just long to be free
from this Hell
this temporal
that feels eternal
Jesus Christ
I love you so
that it hurts to know
the Eternal
and feel so ignored.
I am ignoble
and full of sin
and not worthy
to whisper Your name
while I lay
crumpled
dying
bleeding
in this pile of ----
begging to be named
just so I can hurt more
and it's trite
and reluctant
and full of refuse
that I refuse
to name again.
Demons clinging to my soul
as I drift like a leaf
begging to be a cherry blossom
so I may be beautiful
just for once in my short life.
Temporal as a deficient
as speaking with you.
Just leaving me more empty
as I long for less empathy
just so I won't miss...as...much.
And here again,
I dance to the music slowly
wishing for You
to consume my soul
burn me alive
and replace this pain with
Love eternal
and here
here
here
here
here
here
I wait.
Again.
At night.
Hoping,
praying,
loathing,
crying,
sinning,
hating,
not knowing
and waiting.
Please be swift
be quick to save
and revive me from
my
selfishness
sin
desocration
of soul
again.
I offered no bookends,
no blank pages
just this falling apart
sensation in my soul.
Take it as You will
and know,
just know
how little remains
as I fall
but how I loved You
before I knew You
and I will die
just to Love,
just to Love again.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Blissful Interloping Pain
Jesus, why do I bother to open my mouth?
I talk about how it feels like, how much pain I am in, like razor blades mixed with liquid fire, well I deserve worse than that for complaining so much when there are those worse off then me.
I'm singing so poor
so far off the key
that I don't want this
I want to leave by the door
and leave this forevermore
and just ditch this useless day
and live at night by candlelight.
My eyes stopped seeing
around the time
my heart stopped feeling
it's almost worth the tears
to just say again
how this is criminal,
knowing I betrayed You
by this heartbeat
and every thought I had
was about me, never You.
I would ask to feel hope
but no one numb can
at all.
Redistributed
and fallin
just fallen in here
falling to You
falling for You
and praying it hurts
when I crash
and break through this ice.
Not just because I hate me
but because I love You.
Take these nerve strands,
just unwind them
let me feel again,
let me love again
just take these prayerful
foolish inkling of wanting me
instead of just You.
I talk about how it feels like, how much pain I am in, like razor blades mixed with liquid fire, well I deserve worse than that for complaining so much when there are those worse off then me.
I'm singing so poor
so far off the key
that I don't want this
I want to leave by the door
and leave this forevermore
and just ditch this useless day
and live at night by candlelight.
My eyes stopped seeing
around the time
my heart stopped feeling
it's almost worth the tears
to just say again
how this is criminal,
knowing I betrayed You
by this heartbeat
and every thought I had
was about me, never You.
I would ask to feel hope
but no one numb can
at all.
Redistributed
and fallin
just fallen in here
falling to You
falling for You
and praying it hurts
when I crash
and break through this ice.
Not just because I hate me
but because I love You.
Take these nerve strands,
just unwind them
let me feel again,
let me love again
just take these prayerful
foolish inkling of wanting me
instead of just You.
"This Is Who We Are" - As I Lay Dying
Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete
Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
...Why we're given grace we'll never deserve
And a second chance that we will never earn
For there is nothing I can do to save myself
Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete
Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
...Why we're given grace we'll never deserve
And a second chance that we will never earn
For there is nothing I can do to save myself
Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong
It's the small things in life...which make life worth living.
The conversations, the sunsets, the blades of grass and the sick cat sleeping on my right foot.
The darkness may seem impossible...but it never is.
We are blinded by our finite nature...and all of these things will work out, have to work out for the best.
I can't say I understand everything...all the pain...every vivid exposure of the soul...but I can say thank you for showing up. Taking the time to speak and being willing to take a second to laugh.
It's the small moments that I think we're all be thankful for when this confusing ride is over.
The conversations, the sunsets, the blades of grass and the sick cat sleeping on my right foot.
The darkness may seem impossible...but it never is.
We are blinded by our finite nature...and all of these things will work out, have to work out for the best.
I can't say I understand everything...all the pain...every vivid exposure of the soul...but I can say thank you for showing up. Taking the time to speak and being willing to take a second to laugh.
It's the small moments that I think we're all be thankful for when this confusing ride is over.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Readily Failed to Believe
I go there to the corner where the bridge and water is and look.
Just waiting for something to happen, a passing by of chance or maybe just a change in the weather.
Surely what I'm waiting for will come.
Even when I don't know what I am looking for.
But I know it is there.
Just outside my field of vision, just beyond imagination.
Touching hope, pictures of the past and praying things can change.
That the pain won't endure, that peace will overflow.
Maybe hope can spring eternal.
In Your Love, by it, for it and with it.
Because the pain is too much.
Let the rain fall while there is still time
before the end comes
and the pain is too vivid.
Let it wash away these stains,
the blood cleansing the scarlet
making all as pure as white snow
because only Love sprung from infinity,
forged in the eternity
can wash away the failure
of such an infinitesimal
broken machine as we.
Just waiting for something to happen, a passing by of chance or maybe just a change in the weather.
Surely what I'm waiting for will come.
Even when I don't know what I am looking for.
But I know it is there.
Just outside my field of vision, just beyond imagination.
Touching hope, pictures of the past and praying things can change.
That the pain won't endure, that peace will overflow.
Maybe hope can spring eternal.
In Your Love, by it, for it and with it.
Because the pain is too much.
Let the rain fall while there is still time
before the end comes
and the pain is too vivid.
Let it wash away these stains,
the blood cleansing the scarlet
making all as pure as white snow
because only Love sprung from infinity,
forged in the eternity
can wash away the failure
of such an infinitesimal
broken machine as we.
Still doing my research...apparently this guy was the favorite to win the prize:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_Tsvangirai
I found the BBC article on the actual news bit:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8299824.stm
I'm still confuzzled...well so confused I had to dip back into the ground of nongrammer.
Maybe if I sleep again at some point I'll understand better.
I don't know.
I hate politics...the more I read the more cynical I become.
It's not like I want the guy to fail...I would love to have a politician or two I have respect for...or something.
It's nothing worth getting worked up over but it's just...odd to me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_Tsvangirai
I found the BBC article on the actual news bit:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8299824.stm
I'm still confuzzled...well so confused I had to dip back into the ground of nongrammer.
Maybe if I sleep again at some point I'll understand better.
I don't know.
I hate politics...the more I read the more cynical I become.
It's not like I want the guy to fail...I would love to have a politician or two I have respect for...or something.
It's nothing worth getting worked up over but it's just...odd to me.
Obama + Peace Prize = Wtf?
What did he win it for?
Seriously.
I'm confused now.
Well, extra confused at least...
Seriously.
I'm confused now.
Well, extra confused at least...
Quote of the day Two:
Red Mage - "Oh, we're falling out of the sky at an incredible rate!"
Black Mage - "Damn this bucket of bolts!"
Thief - There's not a single bolt in its frame. This is more one of your 'Chewing gum and prayer' flying ships.
Black Mage - I thought this thing was fixed!
Thief - We fortified it with the prayer!
Red Mage - What more do you want?!?
http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/04/episode-487-going-down-oh-grow-up/
Black Mage - "Damn this bucket of bolts!"
Thief - There's not a single bolt in its frame. This is more one of your 'Chewing gum and prayer' flying ships.
Black Mage - I thought this thing was fixed!
Thief - We fortified it with the prayer!
Red Mage - What more do you want?!?
http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/04/episode-487-going-down-oh-grow-up/
Quote of the day:
"When you gotta do something wrong, you gotta do it right!"
-Fighter, "8-bit Theater"
-Fighter, "8-bit Theater"
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Psalm 119:33-40
God, teach me lessons for living
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!
"I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
"I feel like a quote out of context
with holding the rest
so I can be for you what you want to see
I got the gestures and sounds
got the timing down
it's uncanny, yeah, you'd think it was me
do you think I should take a class
to lose my southern accent
did i make me up
or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself"
with holding the rest
so I can be for you what you want to see
I got the gestures and sounds
got the timing down
it's uncanny, yeah, you'd think it was me
do you think I should take a class
to lose my southern accent
did i make me up
or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself"
It may be the total lack of sleep for 52+ hours, the steady diet of caffeine, contributions from my stupid need to still bike 15 miles a day under this duress, the fact that I am mentally drained, emotionally fried, spiritually all over the place...but when I saw the guy in the mirror a minute ago I really had serious thoughts about punching him really good in the face.
By all rights I would say he has had it coming.
By all rights I would say he has had it coming.
Quote of the day:
"Well, you don't get to be a Red Mage without knowing just ENOUGH about everything to be considered dangerous by most Federal standards."
-Red Mage, '8-Bit Theater'
-Red Mage, '8-Bit Theater'
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Absurd Assumptions Concerning Nuclear Familiar Related Tangents
I wish I could switch my mind off.
That way I would never worry
or begin to think
about the possibility
of consideration
considering you.
A smile can be laughter
but most cases
in these days
it feels like
a mere taunting
reverberating
everything
in redundant waves
that I fail
in understanding.
I see this
and I see that
I see families
even fragments
which are more
than mine
and it confuses me,
greatly.
Pride?
Consideration?
Honor?
Love?
Desire for company?
What are these falsehoods?
These lies spouted,
breathed into my ear?
I cannot believe these things
that they could ever be
much less be about me
or what can ever be
but most certainly
not about me.
I can walk on this
or that
or our path
and it won't belong
because it's for one
nor two
or more
just me
and my falsehoods
and false ability
to see.
Accession,
or merely a declension
as I recall
just the steps that led
to the awkward air
and my regret
that this is somehow
all my fault anyway
that the familiar sting
is familiar because
it is familial
and nothing more
because
it encompases
something
that is everything else
and will continue to cyle
and churn
and turn
and burn
and whirl
because that is what it is
and to expect less
is to expect more
than what reality is.
The lie was in beliveing
even in the imagination
of a momment
of a minute
that this lifestyle
was for me.
Familiar,
familiar,
fatality.
Nothing quite so grand
just a penny
here and there
for your thoughts
and less than
just here and there
as it were.
That way I would never worry
or begin to think
about the possibility
of consideration
considering you.
A smile can be laughter
but most cases
in these days
it feels like
a mere taunting
reverberating
everything
in redundant waves
that I fail
in understanding.
I see this
and I see that
I see families
even fragments
which are more
than mine
and it confuses me,
greatly.
Pride?
Consideration?
Honor?
Love?
Desire for company?
What are these falsehoods?
These lies spouted,
breathed into my ear?
I cannot believe these things
that they could ever be
much less be about me
or what can ever be
but most certainly
not about me.
I can walk on this
or that
or our path
and it won't belong
because it's for one
nor two
or more
just me
and my falsehoods
and false ability
to see.
Accession,
or merely a declension
as I recall
just the steps that led
to the awkward air
and my regret
that this is somehow
all my fault anyway
that the familiar sting
is familiar because
it is familial
and nothing more
because
it encompases
something
that is everything else
and will continue to cyle
and churn
and turn
and burn
and whirl
because that is what it is
and to expect less
is to expect more
than what reality is.
The lie was in beliveing
even in the imagination
of a momment
of a minute
that this lifestyle
was for me.
Familiar,
familiar,
fatality.
Nothing quite so grand
just a penny
here and there
for your thoughts
and less than
just here and there
as it were.
Rant and...Villainy ?
Okay...enough damage to art for one night...still feel like living, flamed over death.
Blargh. #_#
Must remember to finish article on the internet so I can start the one on making a villain.
Villain list must include:
-Randall Flagg (Stephen King's "The Stand" and "Dark Tower" series)
http://clayman84.deviantart.com/art/Randall-Flagg-80248408
-Legato Bluesummers ('Trigun')
http://zerotozune.deviantart.com/art/Legato-Bluesummers-74632682
-Million Knives ('Trigun')
http://anime3000.lesaruss.org/series/trigun/images/knives&vash01.jpg
-Iago (Shakespeare's "Othello")
http://moth-eatn.deviantart.com/art/Iago-43550425
-Voldemort (J.K. Rowling's' "Harry Potter" series)
http://droo216.deviantart.com/art/Harry-v-Voldemort-79110072
http://suetlilanglz.deviantart.com/art/I-am-Lord-Voldemort-27052257
-Sauron (J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings")
http://cyclothymia.deviantart.com/art/Sauron-2nd-age-18389009
-Giygas ('EarthBound')
http://greliz.deviantart.com/art/VG-Villains-15-Giygas-67522038
http://eddboy.deviantart.com/art/Giygas-106361403
-Lavos (Chrono Trigger)
http://monokuro.deviantart.com/art/Eye-of-Lavos-24777147
http://ash-link.deviantart.com/art/Lavos-36986793
http://sooperkreep.deviantart.com/art/Lavos-New-Chrono-Trigger-126989336
-Kefka (Final Fantasy VI)
http://shingotm.deviantart.com/art/Ecard-FFVI-Everybody-VS-Kefka-100236120
http://darksun45230.deviantart.com/art/Dancing-Kefka-104596444
http://little-foot.deviantart.com/art/Kefka-62339300
Dishonorable Mentions:
-The Crimson King (Stephen King "Dark Tower" series)
-Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)
-Altima (Final Fantasy Tactics)
-The Devourer of Time (Chrono Cross)
Blargh. #_#
Must remember to finish article on the internet so I can start the one on making a villain.
Villain list must include:
-Randall Flagg (Stephen King's "The Stand" and "Dark Tower" series)
http://clayman84.deviantart.com/art/Randall-Flagg-80248408
-Legato Bluesummers ('Trigun')
http://zerotozune.deviantart.com/art/Legato-Bluesummers-74632682
-Million Knives ('Trigun')
http://anime3000.lesaruss.org/series/trigun/images/knives&vash01.jpg
-Iago (Shakespeare's "Othello")
http://moth-eatn.deviantart.com/art/Iago-43550425
-Voldemort (J.K. Rowling's' "Harry Potter" series)
http://droo216.deviantart.com/art/Harry-v-Voldemort-79110072
http://suetlilanglz.deviantart.com/art/I-am-Lord-Voldemort-27052257
-Sauron (J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings")
http://cyclothymia.deviantart.com/art/Sauron-2nd-age-18389009
-Giygas ('EarthBound')
http://greliz.deviantart.com/art/VG-Villains-15-Giygas-67522038
http://eddboy.deviantart.com/art/Giygas-106361403
-Lavos (Chrono Trigger)
http://monokuro.deviantart.com/art/Eye-of-Lavos-24777147
http://ash-link.deviantart.com/art/Lavos-36986793
http://sooperkreep.deviantart.com/art/Lavos-New-Chrono-Trigger-126989336
-Kefka (Final Fantasy VI)
http://shingotm.deviantart.com/art/Ecard-FFVI-Everybody-VS-Kefka-100236120
http://darksun45230.deviantart.com/art/Dancing-Kefka-104596444
http://little-foot.deviantart.com/art/Kefka-62339300
Dishonorable Mentions:
-The Crimson King (Stephen King "Dark Tower" series)
-Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)
-Altima (Final Fantasy Tactics)
-The Devourer of Time (Chrono Cross)
A few Quotes to Match the Mood of the Night
"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"
-C.S. Lewis
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world"
-C.S. Lewis
"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain."
-C.S. Lewis
"Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith"
-Paul Tillich
"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself as accepted in spite of being unacceptable"
-Paul Tillich
"The courage to be is rooted in the God who appears when God has disappeared in the anxiety of doubt."
-Paul Tillich
"Faith is an act of a finite being who is grasped by, and turned to, the infinite."
-Paul Tillich
"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."
-Francis Bacon
"The job of the artist is to deepen the mystery."
-Francis Bacon
"If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts: but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties."
-Francis Bacon
"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
-Francis Bacon
"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."
-Kahlil Gibran
"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to."
-Kahlil Gibran
"The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."
-Kahlil Gibran
"For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one."
-Kahlil Gibran
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
-Kahlil Gibran
"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Here undoubtedly lies the chief poetic energy: --in the force of imagination that pierces or exalts the solid fact, instead of floating among cloud-pictures."
-T.S. Elliot
"In my beginning is my end."
-T.S. Elliot
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
-T.S. Elliot
"The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"You can only come to the morning through the shadows."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Few can foresee whither their road will lead them, till they come to its end."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Life is doubt, And faith without doubt is nothing but death"
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Suffering is the substance of life and the root of personality, for it is only suffering that makes us persons."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"There is no true love save in suffering, and in this world we have to choose either love, which is suffering, or happiness. Man is the more man - that is, the more divine - the greater his capacity for suffering, or rather, for anguish."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"The skeptic does not mean him who doubts, but him who investigates or researches, as opposed to him who asserts and thinks that he has found."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve."
-Lillian Smith
-C.S. Lewis
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world"
-C.S. Lewis
"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain."
-C.S. Lewis
"Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith"
-Paul Tillich
"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself as accepted in spite of being unacceptable"
-Paul Tillich
"The courage to be is rooted in the God who appears when God has disappeared in the anxiety of doubt."
-Paul Tillich
"Faith is an act of a finite being who is grasped by, and turned to, the infinite."
-Paul Tillich
"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."
-Francis Bacon
"The job of the artist is to deepen the mystery."
-Francis Bacon
"If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts: but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties."
-Francis Bacon
"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
-Francis Bacon
"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."
-Kahlil Gibran
"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to."
-Kahlil Gibran
"The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."
-Kahlil Gibran
"For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one."
-Kahlil Gibran
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
-Kahlil Gibran
"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."
-Kahlil Gibran
"Here undoubtedly lies the chief poetic energy: --in the force of imagination that pierces or exalts the solid fact, instead of floating among cloud-pictures."
-T.S. Elliot
"In my beginning is my end."
-T.S. Elliot
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
-T.S. Elliot
"The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"You can only come to the morning through the shadows."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Few can foresee whither their road will lead them, till they come to its end."
-J.R.R. Tolkien
"Life is doubt, And faith without doubt is nothing but death"
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Suffering is the substance of life and the root of personality, for it is only suffering that makes us persons."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"There is no true love save in suffering, and in this world we have to choose either love, which is suffering, or happiness. Man is the more man - that is, the more divine - the greater his capacity for suffering, or rather, for anguish."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"The skeptic does not mean him who doubts, but him who investigates or researches, as opposed to him who asserts and thinks that he has found."
-Miguel de Unamuno
"Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve."
-Lillian Smith
Wake Up Dead Man
I can't sleep, can't find rest.
Every time I lay down I'm haunted by You...and the thoughts you sent my mind years ago.
Every time I dream I feel this lightning, this fire inside me rip me asunder.
I see every failure lined up with You
and the feeling of You leaving my side.
If anyone ever wanted to know what Hell was, I don't think it's this fire or burning inside of me...it's the fear, the isolation of feeling like You are no longer in my sight, that I lost everything because I lost You.
That is fear.
Nothing else in this world matters that much anyway.
Not even icing on a proverbial cake, just a waste of breath.
Can I make it plain Jesus?
Heal me or kill me.
It doesn't matter much to me which way You decide.
I'm going to be limping around, trying not to swear at Your people, striking rocks instead of speaking to them, I'm going to fight You over something I never even wanted, I'm going to cry in pain every time You bless me, so seriously, what is it going to be?
Death or life.
Life or death.
Decide for me because until you eradicate me I'm going to push forward.
Call it complaining or ungratefulness but I'm in pain.
I have a pain problem, fancy that?
Every time I lay down I'm haunted by You...and the thoughts you sent my mind years ago.
Every time I dream I feel this lightning, this fire inside me rip me asunder.
I see every failure lined up with You
and the feeling of You leaving my side.
If anyone ever wanted to know what Hell was, I don't think it's this fire or burning inside of me...it's the fear, the isolation of feeling like You are no longer in my sight, that I lost everything because I lost You.
That is fear.
Nothing else in this world matters that much anyway.
Not even icing on a proverbial cake, just a waste of breath.
Can I make it plain Jesus?
Heal me or kill me.
It doesn't matter much to me which way You decide.
I'm going to be limping around, trying not to swear at Your people, striking rocks instead of speaking to them, I'm going to fight You over something I never even wanted, I'm going to cry in pain every time You bless me, so seriously, what is it going to be?
Death or life.
Life or death.
Decide for me because until you eradicate me I'm going to push forward.
Call it complaining or ungratefulness but I'm in pain.
I have a pain problem, fancy that?
Monday, October 5, 2009
As of yet unnamed sprite comic project
Going clockwise from the top:
-Red Mage: Ninten
-White Mage: Emoto
-Warrior: Touri
-Ninja: Setsuken
Quote of the day:
"My plans are *always* practical! It's the laws of physics that get in my way of success!"
-Red Mage, '8-Bit Theater'
-Red Mage, '8-Bit Theater'
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wow...there are still pictures of me on the University of Mobile's website...rocking my longer hair during that odd freshman semester!
You go young, naive, less angry and angst ridden eighteen year old Matthew!
Don't let the man, finances or the drama destroy you!
http://www.umobile.edu/admissions/default_test.asp
Wait for the picture called "Real life on campus" to pop up on the banner and in the lower right hand corner you will see me in my gray UM Rams shirt.
I forgot about that day...and I didn't realize until then that all those pictures were staged lol...>_<
You go young, naive, less angry and angst ridden eighteen year old Matthew!
Don't let the man, finances or the drama destroy you!
http://www.umobile.edu/admissions/default_test.asp
Wait for the picture called "Real life on campus" to pop up on the banner and in the lower right hand corner you will see me in my gray UM Rams shirt.
I forgot about that day...and I didn't realize until then that all those pictures were staged lol...>_<
"More Than a Man" - Stryper
It's nearly 3AM, I'm still working and have gradually become more and more loopy.
Now is the time to break out the Christian hair metal.
Tim Gaines is one of my bass heroes to boot.
Now is the time to break out the Christian hair metal.
Tim Gaines is one of my bass heroes to boot.
SBC
Someday I too am confused as to how exactly I am Southern Baptist.
Then I remember Dr.Mashburn and recall how if that man asked I would drop everything and charge into Hell blindfolded.
The single best teacher and source of inspiration I have ever had in my short twenty three year old self. And I ended up in his intro to Philosophy class simply because I misread the class abbreviation in the handbook that listed the class requirements.
I absolutely love this article he wrote back for a newspaper in the Mobile area:
http://www.theharbinger.org/articles/plural/christia.html
It is almost a word for word account for his lecture he gives about Christianity in his World Religion class.
I think one of my biggest struggles is trying not to write off other Christians (Southern Baptist or otherwise) as all being fire breathing, extreme fundamental, legalistic loonies that sick to destroy and judge me. It's this sort of attitude that breeds mistrust and destroys cooperation.
Some fundamentals of belief cannot be compromised...but me getting lost in some of the petty things is sad...it's perpetuating that which I am most afraid of.
Ironically enough.
Love God, love others...may seem overly simplified but love, true love can and will change the world. I'm trying to exercise the words liberal and conservative from my vocabulary because most of the time they are just hyperbole used to cause division and fights. It's the whole war rhetoric all over.
Christians aren't to wage a war against the culuture...in a ware you kill people, our job is to show people the live changing message of Christ so that they can know true and absolute freedom from the chains we put ourselves in every day and in so many ways.
The few things I believe in standing for are worth fighting for...but not the kind of fights that are against flesh and blood...but the kind involving a spiritual warfare.
I'm so sick of fighting the air...I want to feel Your love again...be drunk off of it...to just fall in Love once again and get lose in You and share that...show it in my life and then let it overflow.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."
-Ephesians 6:12-13
“It is the characteristic excellence of the strong man that he can bring momentous issues to the fore and make a decision about them. The weak are always forced to decide between alternatives they have not chosen themselves.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"When attempts were later made to speak systematically about God and to describe His nature, men became more talkative. They spoke of God's aseity , His being grounded in Himself; they spoke of God's infinity in space and time, and therefore of God's eternity. And men spoke on the other hand of God's holiness and righteousness, mercifulness and patience. We must be clear that whatever we say of God in such human concepts can never be more than an indication of Him; no such concept can really conceive the nature of God. God is inconceivable."
-Karl Barth
Then I remember Dr.Mashburn and recall how if that man asked I would drop everything and charge into Hell blindfolded.
The single best teacher and source of inspiration I have ever had in my short twenty three year old self. And I ended up in his intro to Philosophy class simply because I misread the class abbreviation in the handbook that listed the class requirements.
I absolutely love this article he wrote back for a newspaper in the Mobile area:
http://www.theharbinger.org/articles/plural/christia.html
It is almost a word for word account for his lecture he gives about Christianity in his World Religion class.
I think one of my biggest struggles is trying not to write off other Christians (Southern Baptist or otherwise) as all being fire breathing, extreme fundamental, legalistic loonies that sick to destroy and judge me. It's this sort of attitude that breeds mistrust and destroys cooperation.
Some fundamentals of belief cannot be compromised...but me getting lost in some of the petty things is sad...it's perpetuating that which I am most afraid of.
Ironically enough.
Love God, love others...may seem overly simplified but love, true love can and will change the world. I'm trying to exercise the words liberal and conservative from my vocabulary because most of the time they are just hyperbole used to cause division and fights. It's the whole war rhetoric all over.
Christians aren't to wage a war against the culuture...in a ware you kill people, our job is to show people the live changing message of Christ so that they can know true and absolute freedom from the chains we put ourselves in every day and in so many ways.
The few things I believe in standing for are worth fighting for...but not the kind of fights that are against flesh and blood...but the kind involving a spiritual warfare.
I'm so sick of fighting the air...I want to feel Your love again...be drunk off of it...to just fall in Love once again and get lose in You and share that...show it in my life and then let it overflow.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."
-Ephesians 6:12-13
“It is the characteristic excellence of the strong man that he can bring momentous issues to the fore and make a decision about them. The weak are always forced to decide between alternatives they have not chosen themselves.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"When attempts were later made to speak systematically about God and to describe His nature, men became more talkative. They spoke of God's aseity , His being grounded in Himself; they spoke of God's infinity in space and time, and therefore of God's eternity. And men spoke on the other hand of God's holiness and righteousness, mercifulness and patience. We must be clear that whatever we say of God in such human concepts can never be more than an indication of Him; no such concept can really conceive the nature of God. God is inconceivable."
-Karl Barth
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