"And i think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone"

"I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all"

God I can't handle this.

I hate myself so much, so freaking much I need to do something...I have to do something to stop this madness...this insanity screaming in my ears.

Please help me not to do something stupid...I don't know how I can hang on.

Help.
Please.

I am being mocked by my laptop.

It booted up windows normally, finally, then it shut itself down without me prompting it and now...it's stuck on the perpetual update that will never update.

Windows Vista - Still hasn't surpassed Windows ME in sucking but goodness...it is almost neck and neck at this point... ~_~

Screw it.

Back to bed.

Okay.

My laptop works...now?

What?

Seriously?

I am confused.

Brain is hurt.

Such a funny, strange but nice feeling...

"October" and "New Years Day" - U2

Chest pain is a new symptom...God I hope this doesn't get much worse tonight.
I'll live...I just feel weak and...so...strange.

*sigh*

I can't win.

I can't find church...

It's weird reading over the past couple of years...keeping this blog is encouraging...well not because some problems have persisted over two years...but because I have hope that the dawn is coming.

Thank You for Your love...and everyone, thank you for reading this, for praying, for the messages.

Special thanks to you, yeah you know who you are.

Yeah.

=)

"With Pollyanna" - Bill Eager

I believe the morning sun
Always gonna shine again and
I believe a pot of gold
Waits at every rainbow's end
I believe in roses kissed with dew
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

I believe in make-believe
Fairy tales and lucky charms and
I believe in promises
Spoken as you cross your heart
I believe in skies forever blue
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
You can call me Pollyanna
Say I'm crazy as a loon
I believe in silver linings
And that's why I believe in you

I believe there'll come a day
Maybe it will be tomorrow
When the bluebird flies away
All we have to do is follow
I believe a dream can still come true
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
I believe in friends and laughter
And the wonders love can do
I believe in songs and magic
And that's why I believe in you

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' this way about you
There's not much I can do
I'm gonna be this way my life through
'Cause I still believe in miracles
I swear I've seen a few
And the time will surely come
When you can see my point of view
I believe in second chances
And that's why I believe in you

I want to believe in infinite possibilities,
that Love, eternal Love wins.
That the pain cannot last through the morning
and that the Beauty
the intoxicating Beauty
that found me will carry me
and never let me be the same.
I need You more now than ever
and more today
and will need You more tomorrow
carry me please.
I need You.

Trigun quotes

"People who sin say this, that they had to, to survive. People who sin say this, that it's too late now to stop. The shadow called Sin dogs them steadily from behind, silently, without a word. Remorse and Agony are repeated, only to end up at Despair in the end. But the sinners just don't know, that if they'd only turn around, there is a light there, a light which keeps shining on them ever so warmly. A light that will never fade."

"Strong will can stir the heart, but a will too strong can cut off the hearts visibility. The sorrow of a man bewreathed of his family turns to hate, which eventually metamorphoses into the intent to kill. The man’s finger reaches for the trigger. Sins change people. Sin begets sin. But still, I want to believe, I want to believe in the heart, the heart that feels the sin."

Two days...no sleep...ah fine...I'll survive...this is nothing...I've done worse...

I am not really sure.

The less I know...the more intriguing it is but the more confusing it is too.

A breath of air.

It is nice too.

"Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" - U2

"And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough"

Yes...

Oh goodness...here we go again...might as well cue up the White Snake...

I find it absolutely hilarious that my leg pain from doing such absurd amounts of biking is making it so I don't feel my stomach pain as much.

Ha!

Take that nerve cells!

May you continue to be overloaded as long as it needs to be!

Bright Light of the Day Article

http://www.atu2.com/news/bono-u2-give-vip-treatment-to-patient-who-donated-make-a-wish-funds-to-extreme-global-poverty.html

Grace, Tonight

Jesus, Jesus
the world is hurting
and it is falling
coming apart at the seams
faster then it can be held.

Jesus, Jesus
I can't pretend to understand
the why, the how and what is to come
I just know it hurts to see,
it hurts to feel and God it hurts to be.

We have our digital selves,
our reflectance to commit
and so much we hide in.
We will delve
into our selfish sin
not caring,
not hearing
or feeling
or knowing
or caring of truth.

You, You have seen the horror
the show we have made of human life.
The millions of dead bodies
left naked and desecrated
their souls long gone
to be by Your side.
You've held the hand
of the child being raped
and the mother forced to watch
You saw Sarajevo in flames.

You see our nakedness
and you feel such rage
like the insufficient flame
in my degraded heart
and yet
You have held back.

You whisper that word
that phrase unknown
to our lips,
grace.
You see the pain
the tear streaked faces
and You feel the pain
as You hold us.

Dear Jesus I won't understand
I can't.

I just want to be held
while the world is inflamed
strikes by our madness
and know You,
yes You will once again
save this day
only in the way
that the Infinite Love can.

Grace, from my lips
it feels like a cheap sovereign
hawked for cash.
It feels like every televangelist
that pointed the finger
while taking the cash for a trick.

Grace, it feels so cheap.
But it is so painfully real.

Grace, it is pulling my heart.
Grace, it is everything I'm not.
Grace, it is knowing I know not.
Grace, You're giving me the hope to hope.
Grace, I'm bleeding free and laying here
not knowing, just knowing I'm waiting on You.

Grace it is giving me hope
that this Love,
this fragile thing,
will not be killed by our man made Hell
but that Love can win
hope can endure this hellish night.

That Love will carry us
past the Western Sea

"Peace on Earth" - U2

Horrifying Newsbyte

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2009/09/28/az_judge_to_decide_if_10_year_old_faces_rape_trial/

I post this for people to please pray for everyone involved...I don't have words that can express the outrage, sadness and pain I feel from reading this.

"Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth "
-U2, 'Peace on Earth'

"What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine?"

list of random cool words

-phooey
-existential
-quandary
-existential quandaries
-malevolence
-explosion
-awesomeness
-fallout
-philosophical tangents
-litmus
-escathology
-meh
-bleh
-cymbalta


ummm...maybe more to come...

"No One Like You" - The David Crowder Band

So much for sleep...just doesn't seem like it is coming anytime soon...

"My Alibi" - Blindside

I.
I would just like to slow dance.
Have this waltz across eternity.
Safe, saved in Your arms.
I.
Just I, want to feel You close,
hear your heart beating
and knowing the love
will be complete.

I'll check that as being several points in my favor.

My poor laptop is all but dead and now I think my desktop is deciding to die...is this a sign from up above?

=(

And last but not least...I did fifteen miles on the bikes.

I am dead.

It saddens me when the nicest thing I can think about someone is the hope that they get mauled by a pack of rabid badgers.

That work in progress actually looks kinda creepy...I mean that in a good way of course.

It's the kind of amazing that reaches out to say hello and goodnight.

It is quiet.

Too quiet.

Ah...sleep...I missed you.
Where did you go tonight?

Jesus...I think you must be smiling and laughing at how ridiculous this all is...thank you for silly music, for being able to laugh at myself and this eccentric cat that I keep getting into a meowing contest with.

Earlier tonight was so nice...I can't remmeber laughing so hard it hurt for a while...thanks for taking me by the hand and pulling me through...life is meant to be...like this...even with the bad.

Gratefulness.

I should...sleep...but...

There is just something inherently wrong with reading the Bible while listening to AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell'...>_>

All the same I'm still giggling. ^_^

Had Dr.Pepper for the first time in a week...ah beloved caffeine how I live to love thee...

I just realized my mother gave me a bottle of juice earlier tonight, that I drunk, which expired nearly six months ago. -_-

After a request to post some of the music I worked on back in school...I am horrified at how terrible some of it is.

I forgotten how bad I suck.

Luckily there are a few tracks I may upload to youtube...but there are some incredibly painful moments because some of these had to be done in just one take...and some of the backing vocals are ear bleeding bad.

Although...I must say I'm happy with the bass...my only area of real concern at the end of the day. ^_^

U2 - 'Pop' album download

http://www.filefront.com/14606645/Pop.rar

There you go.

Sorry I kept forgetting to put the link up.

Like I mentioned the other day you will REALLY want to get the actual album soon (none of that sissy Itunes download crap) because of the actual album and CD design...how it sort of homes in on the whole Pop art theme...which when you contrast with the actual content of the music you get this wall of deliberate irony working on several levels that I happen to find really mind blowing.

Some call it pretension but I call it mad genius.

The whole crux of their 90's material was the idea of information overload and with the albums 'Achtung Baby' and 'Zooropa' and the resulting tour managed to do just that...while breaking away from the whole mold of being the vagabond religious on a pilgrimage and became more of an onstage caricature of the message in the music.

Plus I love the use of Dada in the album art work of 'Achtung Baby'.

I'll never have enough money or time to get all the degrees or take all the classes I want to...but I want to take a few more Art History classes...it help makes much more sense out of life and culture.

Okay I'll curtail my U2 fanboyism before I make some retch.

^_^

But I still hold to the opinion that not liking U2 means not having taste...oh snap...yes.

I.

Just.

Went.

There.

>_>

"So love is hard and love is tough
But love is not what you're thinking of
September, streets capsizing
Spilling over, down the drain
Shards of glass, splinters like rain
But you could only feel your own pain
October, talk getting nowhere
November, December
Remember, are we just starting again

Please, please, please
Get up off your knees
Please, please, please
Please
So love is big, it's bigger than us
But love is not what you're thinking of
It's what lovers deal, it's what lovers steal
You know I found it hard to recieve
'Cause you, my love, I could never believe"

Oh...and I'll...'psychosomatic' you!

It's weird.

I bike ten miles while feeling like crap and I feel like more crap except it's like a better crap.

I'm still hurting, dizzy, nauseated and tasting metal...but overall I feel more relaxed and less like I'm dying.

And...this is how addictive my personality is...I've never smoked but I want to.
What the heck?
This second hand smoke shall be the death of me! -_-

*sigh*

I really need to work on being a nice person for once...

I just smacked myself in the face with the dvd/cd collections of Billy Joel and Barry Manilow...ouch... x_x

Smelling, tasting and feeling like there is metal lodged somewhere in my throat is starting to become irksome.

The plus side is it is cloudy and a high chance of rain.

I could use a lot more rain.

Bleargh.

Suffice to say that idea both sucked and failed.

I am giving up.

Hooray.

I just ate a cookie.

It is late at night.

It's also quite quiet at this late hour.

I miss having a group of people to do things with.

That was the better things about church when I was in high school and something I loved about college for the first couple of semesters.

I talk about the past too much...what about the future?

I've been biking ten miles plus a day...so as soon as I get access to the bike in the morning I'll be logging another ten miles or so. I've been eating apples and drinking water...it's the meal of fibromyalgia stricken heros!

Music is addicting as love was when I was less cynical and was more receptive to the idea of people being generally good and capable of rising above their base nature. It can be so hard to take people at their word and believe that they have good intentions.

I also spend too much time analyzing little details of no consequence.

I also spend this late hour scanning the internet for for remixed/acoustic/orchestrated/whatever pieces of music from RPG video games I grew up with.

And now...I don't know.

I'm here.

That is all I know.

Life goes on.

Yes it does...