I sometimes get the distinct impression that a number of relationships I have established live and die based on how much I am needed.

I suppose that isn't very polite at all but when one spends the majority of his time in a room making calls and letters with no return...you start to wonder how many friendship's were either fragments of imaginations and how many are simply the paranoid delusions of an exhausted mind with such ill timing.

""There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief,"

Freaking.
Awesome.
Art.
Just saying.

That is the fourth time I've almost plummeted down a flight of stairs today. -_-

I'm almost frightened to say that physically I'm feeling better today than I have in a while.

I feel more than slightly terrible about that.

Long (but good) Article on the Evil's of Prayer in Public Schools

It's nice to see sane Christians who bother to read history:


http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/ultimate-word-school-prayer

It's the small things that do matter.

So of course I'm worried now.

Kicking self really hard for that oversight.

Night Time Waves

I sometimes wonder if my life is going to end with these medications like it somehow began with them.

I miss my daddy a lot...well as much as I can miss someone I never really knew.

I wonder what it would have been...could have been like...but the thoughts hurt too bad to finish. Maybe I should take some divinely given advice and write him some letters...but I doubt I could post them on here. Only a couple of people could really understand what I'm feeling...all of this anger, resentment, sorrow, sadness and love...

...and you know I realize I've hurt my friends a lot this week. All by being myself, just showing up in life and being sick as Hell...and I hate it. Given a choice I would just as soon put a bullet in my head then ever hurt another person...ever again.

I don't know if I just enjoy trying to play Jesus but I can't stand causing pain...it about drives me crazy and hurts me deeper then the person I hurt...sometimes.

The showman in me hates disappointing people...maybe it's time for me to think of lies that are better and more believable than life? Even better than the real thing perhaps?

I sold what little protective armor anonymity could bring by advertising this blog like it was something profound...and often times it's just the ramblings of someone either in intense pain or existing on another level of reality because of medication. The absolute sad thing is I'm somehow this 'stoned' and I am not even on narcotics...so I can't think, want to eat food and I'm still in stupid amounts of pain.

There is an underlying irony here that I think I must be missing.

Part of me wants the drugs because although i have never abused them I know full and well I'm addicted to them. Just like how I picked up a 'need' for nicotine by second hand smoke (thank you all) and alcohol as a three year old child (thanks dad). I haven't touched any of that stuff and still I crave it, feel the ache in me like I want some morphine for my pain.

Then again I could just be insane and if that is the case none of this even mattered in the first place.

Or this could just be paranoid delusions.

But most likely it is just me being here and thinking, nothing more or less.

I can afford late night ramblings but I can't afford many people close proximity to my heart and soul...and it's funny how this can be all misread, twisted and turned around...and thought about in ways I never thought to think about it in. I'm not even sure...but thinking in so many dimensions is exhausting...so much so that I think I am finally beginning to just not care all that much.

But I can still pray, I can still hope...I have let my heart bleed this long that there is no sense in trying to stop it. Maybe continued devotion will bring about wisdom with age and with it more early gray hairs.

Soon it'll be time to wake up...face the sun and realized I am Loved. This night will end soon...so what sleep I can gather I will.

Thank You for carrying this sin, this disease, this infirm condition...and how can I forget my shame and endless pain? Help me to remember when You spoke to that frightful little child...help me to never forget the face of You, my true Father, help me to love You like You love me, help me to love others like You love me and most important help me to love me like You love me.

"Canonball" - Five Iron Frenzy

Wind passes right through my skin as I fall down,
this furious speed will only destroy me.
Crippling and devastating momentum,
approaching maximum velocity.
And this is how it's going to be, the point of it all.
'Cause this is what was meant for me,
recklessly I fall.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

Thirty-two feet per second I increase,
as the exponents will multiply.
I'll never stop to look back behind me,
cutting through the bright blue sky.
And this is how it's meant to be,
untethered I will soar.
I'll barrel towards the earth below,
it's what I was made for.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew,
has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

And everyone will say it's just an accident,
like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose,
and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down,
for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.
Unblemished, and faultless.
A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision.
Cannonball.

Mixture of things.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate these feelings...of lack of control...these blind impulses them seem to guide and dictate my actions...there is nobility in them...somewhere but I find it harder to see.

I just want to do the right thing by God's and Love's sake...it's a pity I'm so blind without my glasses that I do not see the truth when it is just within grasp.

Am I...sad?
No that is not it.
Disappointment...followed by uncertainty.

Certainly I cannot wait to feel better.
Leading to whatever this maybe may be.

I confuse myself by over thinking about over thinking.

Only two more Dark Tower novels left and then I'm free!

I can't tell if I'm feeling better or if the house of cards is getting ready to catch fire and explode.

High empathy levels mean that people make me sad. =/

"I just spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a Hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead."
-Brian, Family Guy

Temporal loss of sanity...

So much for food.

Resonating Reasoning

It is moments of introspection...when I can pause for deep inward focus reflection that I just have to question what it is I've been doing all these years...so many years it feels like.

Not that everything is bad mind you...I just feel so tightly wound up that I don't even know what is going on.

Then I stop to take a breath and realize how ridiculous life is, how improbable it is that any of us should even be here, remember how far I've managed to come and just have to be thankful I'm still alive.

There is no other moment than the now...unless of course you subscribe to quantum physics and in that case every moment exists simultaneously...and side by side in the ever increasingly bizarre expanding universe we have.

That aside...it's nice to breath.

I have no idea about why I do some of the stupid stuff I do...but for now it is just enough to be loved and to cherish this breath of oxygen.

I might even brave eating a little food.

Oxygen is nice...passing out not so nice.

"Hey, you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race, a celebration
Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin', and today
Is the day we've waited for, oh, oh, oh"

I see my future and it will involve Daft Punk, Stephen King and abdominal pain.

Which one of these three is not like the other?

The world is passing on...but I'm not going with it.

I haven't decided if this is a good or a bad thing.

It is not the end of the world...but it hurts bad enough that it...feels like it may be.

You know?

I'm about a dozen feet below rock bottom right now.

The Matrix Reloaded = nostalgia and reminders of how much I miss Mega City...Nin never got to shoot at the Merv...a pity...

Why yes I do want a fatal illness plushie...

http://news.aol.com/article/cdc-gift-shop-sells-swine-flu-toy/652552

So much for getting out of the house and seeing a best friend. =/
Crikey...I'm hurting so much I've cried...this is getting ridiculous.

I'm really starting to hate this useless and sick body.

Why?

Seriously...why?

Exhausted but cannot sleep.

The Odyssey Made Easy

http://geocities.com/organisedchaosau/OdysseusNostos.html

"Naked Lunch" - Showbread

I want to throw up, but for now I hold back
I can’t express just how I’m feeling, its true
You want to grow up, but there’s a problem with that
There’s no where to go for someone who’s as stunted as you
Its true that I’m disgusted with myself as well
My tongue can not be tamed
It’s on a fire straight from hell
I eat the dirt you kick up, and flaw the chord that resonates
A gentle word I can not find a way to enunciate

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

Still your voice, pump your stomach
Set the garbage free
Oh I know you don’t get drunk
You just drink socially
Your reasons are all invalids, they can’t stand up
And when you talk I hear the brain cells die
So keep your mouth shut
I didn’t wake up to find myself as a bug
I’ve been one for much longer than I care to recall
I’m not a junkie lost in interzone or under the rug
I just eat the bug powder then I climb up the wall

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

God, enough is enough.

No more posts on this day.

There was good and bad but good riddance.

Yes to you as well.

Goodnight and if anyone needs me I'll be pretending to sleep while having a cat claw at me for daring to sleep in my own bed.

Vague Reconstruction

I pour myself out into this dead wood, why?
Tears to be and tears to cry
Meaningless verbs meaning we should.
Should have and never would have been.

And what is this?
What of this?

We are passing and fading into this endless void,
streams of crimson life emptying
repeating an endless cycle
reminiscing of what it means to live and lie.

Red skies,
dark clouds,
bleeding eyes
and this proud clod.

I give you this hand and this lie
holding back my hand while watching life
and everything just fall into order
and everyone is hoping for something better.

We're all hoping for the best
and we'll be passed over
when the time comes
pain flows and it feels like a test
but really all we have is each other
and it never was enough.

Enough, enough.
We say these words with vain repetition
not realizing the hope we hold in hand
and the mindless self indulging it takes
to hold onto hope at night.
Holding on while loosing blood,
loosing self and making this mistake
mistaking it as being chronically okay
to believe in mediocrity.

Battered shell holding hope,
it stands and remains.
No broken sword
or swollen vessel bursting
can remove this shining glimmer,
this burning fragment
holding up your soul.

The problem has always been choice
and this matter is no different.
But by differential digression
we've arrived here.
Enough of this charade
and enough of clutching this pity
and sardonically embracing pain.

I bring this burnt husk to you
asking to be healed.
Reminiscent of bird songs
and the hope of blue skies.
True I have always been unfaithful,
mine has been the life of deception
the mask of Judas.
But here we stand,
two hearts and souls entwined.
My First Love as has been before time,
before this crime
before my fallacy
and the decay of my soul.
You loved me, just loved me.

Take this battered and broken soul
held in this hollow husk.
Make of it what You will,
craft as only You might.
Make of it as You will
for Your love outlives my darkest night.

Some Music to Write and Live For

The more I think about it...consider the fallacies of this...it's empty...so vain and reminiscent of all that I hate about this world.

How do things...thoughts, relations, concepts...all of this break apart...and then it is irrelevant to cohesive thoughts...it's circular...nay? Running like circular logic...poor metaphors involving cages and wheels.

"Issues (Think About It)" - Flight of the Conchords

...Avast has been scanning for almost 48 hours...that is odd.

I'm also...stressed...God I don't know what is exactly wrong...maybe it's the medication not working like it should yet...or something. Just so freaking restless...and nauseated and wishing I could wipe things out and start again...

As fun as panic attacks are...I'll pass...really I will...

To delete or not...I hate the lack of privacy and all these stupid social networking groups do is set up more drama...

CRIKEY! My family is stalking me on facebook!

It won't be long before they discover this...I must burn everything!

Where did I stash the industrial electromagnets?!?

I was wanting to read some poetry so that was a pleasant surprise.

A quote to live by...

"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."
T.S. Eliot

If this is what having a hang over is like...I'll never understand why people insist on ingesting toxins when they have no actual need to...oie...

"God made us number one because he loves us the best
Well maybe he should go bless someone else for a while
And give us a rest"
-Ben Folds

It may be the new medication but my understanding is at an all time low.

I feel so...strange...warm and odd.