"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread"
-Bilbo Baggins
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Onwards Through Doubt
Why does pain manifest itself as the chilly daggers of fear?
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Jonah 4:10-11
God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?
Monday, August 10, 2009
"Walk On" - U2
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
I Hate Math
The worse case scenario is that I'll wait here, in this office, for forty hours this week...ten hours a day...and won't get seen at all.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
This might be my future:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Seems like the numbers were falling right...almost like a Muse whispered in my ear about my personality...how when things change and get messy I tend to fall apart...I need to think deeper on those thoughts...find the way I'm supposed to walk...
Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...
Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...
I thought I was doing better...but now that I'm about to leave...there is a lot of anger, fear, annoyance, resentment and general enraged feeling deep inside me.
What the hell?
Seriously...of all the times she has to drag that ass along...I just honestly do not understand what the hell people think or do...I'm sick of this place, I hate this place.
I hate these people...this 'family'...this facade...it makes me physically ill...ironically...
What the hell?
Seriously...of all the times she has to drag that ass along...I just honestly do not understand what the hell people think or do...I'm sick of this place, I hate this place.
I hate these people...this 'family'...this facade...it makes me physically ill...ironically...
The next time extra family decide to tag along...to make my medical trip into a mini vacation...and putting the guy getting poked and prodded on the floor...next time I think I'll just politely bite my tongue, tell them to shove off and I'll hitch hike my way to the hospital...
*insert angry mumbling*
*insert angry mumbling*
Loose Change
Teach me to sing
'cause I lost my voice.
Teach me to breath
because You made me loose touch,
made me loose and I forgot how to breath.
For this first time You made me feel,
made me feel love.
'cause I lost my voice.
Teach me to breath
because You made me loose touch,
made me loose and I forgot how to breath.
For this first time You made me feel,
made me feel love.
"In a Little While" - U2
In a little while surely you'll be mine
In a little while I'll be there
In a little while this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love
When the night takes a deep breath and the daylight has no air
If I crawl, if I come crawling home will you be there
In a little while I won't be blown by every breeze
Friday night running to Sunday on my knees
That girl, that girl, she's mine
Well I've known her since
Since she was a little girl with Spanish eyes
When I saw her in a pram they pushed her by
My how you've grown
Well, it's been, it's been a little while
Slow down my beating heart
A man dreams one day to fly
A man takes a rocketship into the skies
He lives on a star that's dying in the night
And follows in the trail, the scatter of light
Turn it on, turn it on, you turn me on
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
In a little while I'll be there
In a little while this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love
When the night takes a deep breath and the daylight has no air
If I crawl, if I come crawling home will you be there
In a little while I won't be blown by every breeze
Friday night running to Sunday on my knees
That girl, that girl, she's mine
Well I've known her since
Since she was a little girl with Spanish eyes
When I saw her in a pram they pushed her by
My how you've grown
Well, it's been, it's been a little while
Slow down my beating heart
A man dreams one day to fly
A man takes a rocketship into the skies
He lives on a star that's dying in the night
And follows in the trail, the scatter of light
Turn it on, turn it on, you turn me on
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Gone
I'll be leaving in a few hours and heading to Jacksonville, FL to the Mayo clinic to get more diagnostic testing done on my stomach.
My check in with the hospital is around seven am on Monday and I'll meet the doctor over my case at eight. I'll find out then how many days I'll be there for and how many exciting and 'fun' tests my body will be subjected to.
Not much else I can say except any thoughts, prayers, well wishes and the like are welcomed as always.
I'll try to throw some updates out while I'm down there but it'll most depend on my state of consciousness as well as any access to free wifi.
My check in with the hospital is around seven am on Monday and I'll meet the doctor over my case at eight. I'll find out then how many days I'll be there for and how many exciting and 'fun' tests my body will be subjected to.
Not much else I can say except any thoughts, prayers, well wishes and the like are welcomed as always.
I'll try to throw some updates out while I'm down there but it'll most depend on my state of consciousness as well as any access to free wifi.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Wake Up Calls
Dead to the world,
just another passenger asleep.
Not knowing who I was,
not caring about the distance.
Just knowing not knowing
was enough to know.
A call.
Just another waking thought,
suppressed by sleeping minds
not knowing what it means to thirst.
Bought with prices,
hindsight knowing best
as it feels like my heart may burst;
because of You,
because of You
it's all vivid in light
bleeding out shadows.
Because of You
it is,
it's raining
and I can feel.
Because of You,
because of You,
just You.
Morning calls
with light creeping in,
brilliant reds,
paint running thin.
It's like I'm learning to breath
just all over again.
It's kind of funny
how these are just all words,
making such a fuss
and not even knowing,
knowing it's You.
Never knowing just how important
never knowing just how it began
never knowing about me knowing
when all I knew was You to begin with.
just another passenger asleep.
Not knowing who I was,
not caring about the distance.
Just knowing not knowing
was enough to know.
A call.
Just another waking thought,
suppressed by sleeping minds
not knowing what it means to thirst.
Bought with prices,
hindsight knowing best
as it feels like my heart may burst;
because of You,
because of You
it's all vivid in light
bleeding out shadows.
Because of You
it is,
it's raining
and I can feel.
Because of You,
because of You,
just You.
Morning calls
with light creeping in,
brilliant reds,
paint running thin.
It's like I'm learning to breath
just all over again.
It's kind of funny
how these are just all words,
making such a fuss
and not even knowing,
knowing it's You.
Never knowing just how important
never knowing just how it began
never knowing about me knowing
when all I knew was You to begin with.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Psalm 143:7-10
Hurry with your answer, God
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.
With Love
With trying to feel,
to love at all
it makes me feel,
makes me feel like I'm a child
just a child playacting as an adult.
A needy child aching for his mother
not knowing why falling down hurts.
I ache and cry
while hoping and trying
living with thoughts of dying
and all and all and all
is all we got.
Singing this same song again and again.
Can I hear You tell me
the why and how
the way things came to be.
Just one more bed time story,
just one more time why we're here
and where this is all going.
Sing to me again and again,
this same old song we've heard
from beginning until end.
Sing to me Love
and help me to understand why.
Oh love sing to me again
it's never been about me
but if you believed,
just if you could believe in me
and could carry this weight
around your neck.
Can you believe in me
believe in Your song and me
once again?
Just one last song for the night
on final time to say goodbye
and kiss the stars,
see them burn out of fight.
While I see you standing
standing in pale moonlight.
Is this all we have left?
Just Love?
Sing to me once more,
open the heavens,
challenge the sky,
leave what is wrong
and let us leave all this below
and become enraptured
in this Muse inspired song.
And let us sing once more
together over life
and Love.
to love at all
it makes me feel,
makes me feel like I'm a child
just a child playacting as an adult.
A needy child aching for his mother
not knowing why falling down hurts.
I ache and cry
while hoping and trying
living with thoughts of dying
and all and all and all
is all we got.
Singing this same song again and again.
Can I hear You tell me
the why and how
the way things came to be.
Just one more bed time story,
just one more time why we're here
and where this is all going.
Sing to me again and again,
this same old song we've heard
from beginning until end.
Sing to me Love
and help me to understand why.
Oh love sing to me again
it's never been about me
but if you believed,
just if you could believe in me
and could carry this weight
around your neck.
Can you believe in me
believe in Your song and me
once again?
Just one last song for the night
on final time to say goodbye
and kiss the stars,
see them burn out of fight.
While I see you standing
standing in pale moonlight.
Is this all we have left?
Just Love?
Sing to me once more,
open the heavens,
challenge the sky,
leave what is wrong
and let us leave all this below
and become enraptured
in this Muse inspired song.
And let us sing once more
together over life
and Love.
"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside
I think I saw a place in the distance
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
Future...Inklings?
Okay...seriously...this new development about the internship...if this is just a jest then you know how upset I will be.
"and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart
though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free"
...I just don't have words to express my exuberant and obsessive love for You...You make EVERYTHING...so pale...so seemingly pointless by comparison...help me out here...please...please...
Show me this step to take and I will take it.
Regardless of the pain or what I have to give up.
Nothing is too much if is what You want and will bring glory to You.
Teach me patience and humility through my pain...make me who You know I can be...just be with me, let our spirits entwine and be One...once again...
"and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart
though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free"
...I just don't have words to express my exuberant and obsessive love for You...You make EVERYTHING...so pale...so seemingly pointless by comparison...help me out here...please...please...
Show me this step to take and I will take it.
Regardless of the pain or what I have to give up.
Nothing is too much if is what You want and will bring glory to You.
Teach me patience and humility through my pain...make me who You know I can be...just be with me, let our spirits entwine and be One...once again...
Monday, August 3, 2009
Musing About a Muse
Every time I see information about xxxchurch...I'm reminded of not getting the internship...but I'm also reminded of a quote from Morpheus:
"What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way."
It may not be literal life and death...but pursuing the truth...finding where I am going...should go and what should I do...vastly important...
Truth...truth...there is something about that word that gives chills to me...truth, finding where this is and where it is all leading...what this will all mean...eventually from the view of eternity.
What do you think?
I hope to bump into your words a bit more...finding truth and hope...finding certainty and love.
"What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way."
It may not be literal life and death...but pursuing the truth...finding where I am going...should go and what should I do...vastly important...
Truth...truth...there is something about that word that gives chills to me...truth, finding where this is and where it is all leading...what this will all mean...eventually from the view of eternity.
What do you think?
I hope to bump into your words a bit more...finding truth and hope...finding certainty and love.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
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