Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Foolish Inklings
Ministerial intent.
I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.
I'm slightly giddy.
I also haven't really slept in a while.
A good long while.
But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.
The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?
Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.
That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.
A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...
It is like any real relationship with love.
It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.
I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.
""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16
"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13
I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.
I'm slightly giddy.
I also haven't really slept in a while.
A good long while.
But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.
The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?
Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.
That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.
A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...
It is like any real relationship with love.
It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.
I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.
""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16
"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13
Doves For Hire
Here...in this music...I almost feel like the wings will burst from my back and I will be able to fly...to escape from the thorns that have been pinning me to the ground. That I can leave this decaying, sickly body behind and sore into light.
That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....
I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.
Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?
I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.
Loving love.
I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.
That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....
I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.
Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?
I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.
Loving love.
I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.
Water On the Soul
Oceans keep us apart,
waves rip your hand from mine
and fools dance about
singing their songs
being the unwanted jester
on an unwanted day.
These nails dig a route
hitting where they belong
touching where the pain festers
and I think just
just maybe,
I'm falling again.
Loosing step
being out of time with your heart
and in beat with the misstep
not knowing when
not knowing when this might end.
Knowing the distance
and the heart at the end of the line
just makes the day that much harder
knowing the more I long
the more I hunger
the more I pine
for these absolutes
for guidance and the sign
and how to sing this song
letting you know
this isn't a farce.
My words are false
a shade of pretentious hollow
matched only by Lucifer
but for once I see
I feel the shallow
the depth of my heart
the blinders
holding me as the cries
just echo
across fields
piercing dry eyes
and I yield
to the pressure.
Take me if You hear me,
hold me if You care.
Divinity is on Your side
and I'm at a slight disadvantage.
You see my despair
and the length of the chasm
where this all is.
waves rip your hand from mine
and fools dance about
singing their songs
being the unwanted jester
on an unwanted day.
These nails dig a route
hitting where they belong
touching where the pain festers
and I think just
just maybe,
I'm falling again.
Loosing step
being out of time with your heart
and in beat with the misstep
not knowing when
not knowing when this might end.
Knowing the distance
and the heart at the end of the line
just makes the day that much harder
knowing the more I long
the more I hunger
the more I pine
for these absolutes
for guidance and the sign
and how to sing this song
letting you know
this isn't a farce.
My words are false
a shade of pretentious hollow
matched only by Lucifer
but for once I see
I feel the shallow
the depth of my heart
the blinders
holding me as the cries
just echo
across fields
piercing dry eyes
and I yield
to the pressure.
Take me if You hear me,
hold me if You care.
Divinity is on Your side
and I'm at a slight disadvantage.
You see my despair
and the length of the chasm
where this all is.
"The Perfect Drug" - Nine Inch Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0s5UOVsMDg
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Sunday, June 28, 2009
"The Beginning" - Showbread
I used to dream that I could fly
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore
"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross—be trivialized into mere words.
The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,
I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.
So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation.
While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom, we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified. Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—and Greeks pass it off as absurd. But to us who are personally called by God himself—both Jews and Greeks—Christ is God's ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."
Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.""
-1 Corinthians 1:17-31
The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,
I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.
So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation.
While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom, we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified. Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—and Greeks pass it off as absurd. But to us who are personally called by God himself—both Jews and Greeks—Christ is God's ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."
Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.""
-1 Corinthians 1:17-31
Sublime Thoughts
Woke up feeling like death, the medication finishing the bleeding out process.
Every single thought brings me back...making me question my decisions: "Was I wrong?", "Was it right?", "How did it come to this?" and more then I can recall.
I want anger and rage to pilot me a course out.
Instead all I see is finger nails painted red, digging into my skin.
Poorly dressed metaphors too stoned to put their clothes on and instead try to hide in plain sight.
The only lie, the sweetest one, is the one I heard.
I think it was from me but I'm not sure.
Addictions...lines of lies, bottles of staunch falsified hope behind me and inside...maybe You.
This epic waste, this failure coated in time and sealed in plastic.
Keeping hope as a distant and proverbial type, the sort you wouldn't want to take home to mom.
Ready too late...or too soon depending on how your view of time...being literal or maybe just metaphysical constructs...derisive spittle...confusion laced tears.
I hate medication, much less medication which fades out leaving side effects and just pain. Promoting this aging, falling apart body that is about decay.
It's being revised as we speak...dealing with idiots is tiring but you should try living with myself.
Revised blueprints about how it's a failure is something else unknown and entirely unknown.
Preceding...a process...thoughts...unredeemed.
Forgiveness being a luxury I've lived without.
Just like...love.
Dripping dots, water spots.
Failing down.
Every single thought brings me back...making me question my decisions: "Was I wrong?", "Was it right?", "How did it come to this?" and more then I can recall.
I want anger and rage to pilot me a course out.
Instead all I see is finger nails painted red, digging into my skin.
Poorly dressed metaphors too stoned to put their clothes on and instead try to hide in plain sight.
The only lie, the sweetest one, is the one I heard.
I think it was from me but I'm not sure.
Addictions...lines of lies, bottles of staunch falsified hope behind me and inside...maybe You.
This epic waste, this failure coated in time and sealed in plastic.
Keeping hope as a distant and proverbial type, the sort you wouldn't want to take home to mom.
Ready too late...or too soon depending on how your view of time...being literal or maybe just metaphysical constructs...derisive spittle...confusion laced tears.
I hate medication, much less medication which fades out leaving side effects and just pain. Promoting this aging, falling apart body that is about decay.
It's being revised as we speak...dealing with idiots is tiring but you should try living with myself.
Revised blueprints about how it's a failure is something else unknown and entirely unknown.
Preceding...a process...thoughts...unredeemed.
Forgiveness being a luxury I've lived without.
Just like...love.
Dripping dots, water spots.
Failing down.
"Hurricanes" - Five Iron Frenzy
Yo toda via espero un milagro,
Yo toda via te espero a ti.
The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,
hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.
I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.
My broken spirit,
is trembling slow.
Park bench for a throne now,
my blanket is the snow.
And I'm being haunted,
by long forgotten dreams,
for hurricanes have,
the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.
I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait.
Yo toda via te espero a ti.
The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,
hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.
I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.
My broken spirit,
is trembling slow.
Park bench for a throne now,
my blanket is the snow.
And I'm being haunted,
by long forgotten dreams,
for hurricanes have,
the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.
I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Hole
I wish I could scream and cleanse my soul,
make reparations for this life.
Hypocrisy gasping for air
while sinking further into my hole,
this place I dug for myself
to hide from the light
and dare You to return.
make reparations for this life.
Hypocrisy gasping for air
while sinking further into my hole,
this place I dug for myself
to hide from the light
and dare You to return.
Friday, June 26, 2009
It's like...I can reach everything I want...except...'that'...that one thing out of reach...that I'm unable to manipulate myself to...or steal...or destroy out of jealousy.
Sometimes I think life would be much more easier if I was blind to this...need...this line of thought...God...this pain even...vividly...it is there.
Sometimes I think life would be much more easier if I was blind to this...need...this line of thought...God...this pain even...vividly...it is there.
Moonlight, Midnight
Midnight.
Pale Moonlight.
You are but a mere reflection,
burning not of yourself
but by the means of another.
Barren motion bathing this land,
casting soft lies,
pale reflection upon a visage of pale reflection.
I walk this land in knowing,
truth in absolutes
with reality bound by constructs
limited in interaction and truth.
I speak in pale parables
seeking embellishment of my life
when all I've ever spoke is lies
and all I have done is stumble.
Messiah, little Lamb,
doth my words fall on deaf ears?
Love via pain,
Shams revealed in pale moon light
and all I have ever said is held tight.
False solace I have found in this pale moonlight
and in your eyes I see a growing fire.
Fire burning.
Fire of resolved.
Fire of love.
Moonlight is the reflection,
a pale imitation seeking salvation
never knowing
it is locked forever in eternity's embrace,
elliptical and repetitious,
endless in pursuing itself.
It is these eyes,
this fire that warms my cold blood.
This love that awakens a soul
that was forever lost
in this pale cold light.
Heated only by dying coals,
silence spreading this ill boded plight.
It was these eyes that gave me hope,
You are the One who gave breath to these lungs
and whose love
causes this heart to beat twice as fast
whenever You pass by.
What fragments remained
You gathered and held.
Mending,
Loving,
Restoring,
giving and rebirthing
this frail life.
Peeling back layer after lie
and remaining faithful
despite my frailty
and the fragility of this Heart.
You broke this stone,
You ripped aparts the curtain,
severing the grand lie
and crossed this impossible ocean.
All while pale moonlight bathes the ground,
reflecting the grass
and in the water.
But it is Your eyes I see,
the fire that brought me to life,
once again.
Pale Moonlight.
You are but a mere reflection,
burning not of yourself
but by the means of another.
Barren motion bathing this land,
casting soft lies,
pale reflection upon a visage of pale reflection.
I walk this land in knowing,
truth in absolutes
with reality bound by constructs
limited in interaction and truth.
I speak in pale parables
seeking embellishment of my life
when all I've ever spoke is lies
and all I have done is stumble.
Messiah, little Lamb,
doth my words fall on deaf ears?
Love via pain,
Shams revealed in pale moon light
and all I have ever said is held tight.
False solace I have found in this pale moonlight
and in your eyes I see a growing fire.
Fire burning.
Fire of resolved.
Fire of love.
Moonlight is the reflection,
a pale imitation seeking salvation
never knowing
it is locked forever in eternity's embrace,
elliptical and repetitious,
endless in pursuing itself.
It is these eyes,
this fire that warms my cold blood.
This love that awakens a soul
that was forever lost
in this pale cold light.
Heated only by dying coals,
silence spreading this ill boded plight.
It was these eyes that gave me hope,
You are the One who gave breath to these lungs
and whose love
causes this heart to beat twice as fast
whenever You pass by.
What fragments remained
You gathered and held.
Mending,
Loving,
Restoring,
giving and rebirthing
this frail life.
Peeling back layer after lie
and remaining faithful
despite my frailty
and the fragility of this Heart.
You broke this stone,
You ripped aparts the curtain,
severing the grand lie
and crossed this impossible ocean.
All while pale moonlight bathes the ground,
reflecting the grass
and in the water.
But it is Your eyes I see,
the fire that brought me to life,
once again.
*sigh*
I'm supposed to love you...to forgive and support you...but of everyone of everything that has happened...I hate you the most.
I despise you...death would never be sufficient for a worthless waste of human life that you are in every moment of every day.
Your continual existence is a plague, a splinter in my mind that will never let me rest.
I despise you...death would never be sufficient for a worthless waste of human life that you are in every moment of every day.
Your continual existence is a plague, a splinter in my mind that will never let me rest.
Red Heart Deficient
I am this incessant drip
I am the lonely creep
I am the tears you never weep
and I am the every subtle rip
being a tear in your soul.
Every single slip of the soul
letting you know
that this hole
letting the voices fall and echo
reverberating through your vertebra.
Echo and scream
just letting you be
swallowed pride
and false dreams.
I'm sick, sick
so very sick.
Your voice chills my spine
and the lipstick
just makes sick.
Red in sight,
red in mind
with little thought to go.
White clouds,
pale lace of the divine
just make life
this life
so much more of a decline.
Sick,
so very sick.
I'll never know these words
because my mind is stolen,
just like my heart being blurred
and these false words that never begun.
I can hide in this crevice
and pray You pass by,
destroying all of this
passing by in Holy fury
and letting Your voice,
still and silent
just pass by.
Just for the record,
I hate what this has begun
what this all has become.
What good, what may be worth it,
I haven't seen.
This insufficient life
is not enough exchange for the pain.
I am.
I am me.
Neither saint nor demon.
Simply me.
I am the lonely creep
I am the tears you never weep
and I am the every subtle rip
being a tear in your soul.
Every single slip of the soul
letting you know
that this hole
letting the voices fall and echo
reverberating through your vertebra.
Echo and scream
just letting you be
swallowed pride
and false dreams.
I'm sick, sick
so very sick.
Your voice chills my spine
and the lipstick
just makes sick.
Red in sight,
red in mind
with little thought to go.
White clouds,
pale lace of the divine
just make life
this life
so much more of a decline.
Sick,
so very sick.
I'll never know these words
because my mind is stolen,
just like my heart being blurred
and these false words that never begun.
I can hide in this crevice
and pray You pass by,
destroying all of this
passing by in Holy fury
and letting Your voice,
still and silent
just pass by.
Just for the record,
I hate what this has begun
what this all has become.
What good, what may be worth it,
I haven't seen.
This insufficient life
is not enough exchange for the pain.
I am.
I am me.
Neither saint nor demon.
Simply me.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Jonah 1 Notes
http://www.keyway.ca/htm2002/ancassy.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Jonah
1-2 One day long ago, God's Word came to Jonah, Amittai's son: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer."
-The Word of God coming...akin to spiritual conviction...also in reading, hearing and the need for application.
-The sins and crimes of the Assyrian empire were apparently great, so much so that they were being warned to repent...turn away from their sins...conquering and enslaving.
-Blind political support for a government being bad...governments are made of people, fallible, sinful people in need of God's love.
-At what point was Nineveh destroyed after this fact?
-Preach to them...to the people...bring the message of God's love, Holy perfect love which demands we abandon our selfish pursuit or something bigger...something higher...more profound...more beautiful then what we could ever hope to achieve on our own.
-----
3 But Jonah got up and went the other direction to Tarshish, running away from God. He went down to the port of Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went on board, joining those going to Tarshish—as far away from God as he could get.
-Jonah heard God speak...heard the voice and ran. He was trying to head as far as geographically possible from the Assyrian's.
-Why did he run? Fear of those who conquered the Northern Kingdom? Fear of death? Being mocked and executed for daring to strut into the capital of those who were repressing his people?
-A Moses Jonah was not.
-As a general rule, racism against Gentiles was high from the religious Jewish perspective...this idea that God chose the Jews and damn the rest of the world.
-Was it from Jonah's perspective that this was a suicide/instant martyrdom ticket from God? In Jonah's mind...'Why was God telling him to go to such a disgusting, subhuman people? Why has God abandoned His people to such a heathen people? Why would I preach that they should repent before they are destroyed?"
-----
4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.
The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."
-A contrast with Jesus sleeping on the boat in Luke 8:22-25
-Another ship with experienced sailors terrified for their lives and the prophet that is on the boat with them is sleeping through the storm.
-----
7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."
So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.
-Lot casting to determine 'who did it'.
-Drawing lots could be looked as being akin to an attempt to entice the divine to speak on various issues.
-How often do we turn on each other like rabid animals, accusing each other of being a bigger sinner...and somehow the cause of God's wrath at every small point in life?
-Is God simply attempting to punish and kill those who are in the wrong?
-Is God concerned simply with morality for its own sake? Cross reference with Matthew 9: 9-13 ...where are we in this mess? Are we making storms, egging the storms on or are we listening to those in pain...those panicking and without hope?
-----
8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"
-I get this picture in my head of the 'Life Boat' Donald Miller is talking about in "Searching for God Knows What"...this religious little tug boat where people are fighting to shove one another overboard...rights and lefts...conservative and liberals...these silly and unneeded squabbles over who God loves more...who will be first in the Kingdom...see Luke 9:46-56
-There is sad irony in that those called to Love and sacrifice all...are the first to attack, to kill and devour our own for the slightest advantage.
-----
9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."
10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.
11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.
-It sort of feels like as soon as we find a problem...our first thought is covering it up, burning it and throwing it out. What if we stopped the scramble over who is number one...and focused on *why* things are so bad...the problems are spiritual and with out nature...and with all the REAL problems in the world do we actually need polarizing statements and derogatory attitudes which will just cause distractions from the real problems at hand?
-Yes...we're on a sinking raft...AIDS, cancer, depression and addiction are rampant...what has changed since Jesus walked? The only thing I have found is an increase in the numbers...there has never been a 'good old time' because every person...every honest person is broken and needs life restored and life given again.
-Do we Christians actually believe God made the universe? Both the physical and spiritual reams? Do we sincerely believe EVERY human life is worth while? At what point do we start placing value on humans, on love and exchanging it like some cheap stock market? At what point does the belief in the Divine lead to action? At least something MORE than a thinly veiled attempt at sincerity.
-----
12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."
13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.
14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."
-Actual responsibility?
-Stupid decisions lead to people getting hurt. Everyone makes them...confessing them and owning up to imperfections is hard as Hell because it means risking respect, honor and letting people know we are just like them.
-There is this heavy degree of arrogance that exists in ministry...this attempt to separate those 'called' to ministry and those who prefer to sit in the church pew for when Jesus comes back and He is going to want a warm seat. Where is the resolve to throw these things away...and chase authenticity...?
-----
15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.
16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.
-Accidental serving God...it feels like genuine ministry happens by accident...that our approaches are so lame, so lacking in sincerity that it takes God working in spite of us to have someone realize the implications of Christ and the cross.
-Love requires sacrifice...and somehow God uses our mistakes to do good.
-These sailors would never have known of God without Jonah deciding to run away.
-Being used in spite of our best efforts to prove God wrong.
-----
17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.
-Jesus mentioned a 'sign of Jonah', see Matthew 12:38-45
-Jesus being that sign? In the grave for three days...?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Jonah
1-2 One day long ago, God's Word came to Jonah, Amittai's son: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer."
-The Word of God coming...akin to spiritual conviction...also in reading, hearing and the need for application.
-The sins and crimes of the Assyrian empire were apparently great, so much so that they were being warned to repent...turn away from their sins...conquering and enslaving.
-Blind political support for a government being bad...governments are made of people, fallible, sinful people in need of God's love.
-At what point was Nineveh destroyed after this fact?
-Preach to them...to the people...bring the message of God's love, Holy perfect love which demands we abandon our selfish pursuit or something bigger...something higher...more profound...more beautiful then what we could ever hope to achieve on our own.
-----
3 But Jonah got up and went the other direction to Tarshish, running away from God. He went down to the port of Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went on board, joining those going to Tarshish—as far away from God as he could get.
-Jonah heard God speak...heard the voice and ran. He was trying to head as far as geographically possible from the Assyrian's.
-Why did he run? Fear of those who conquered the Northern Kingdom? Fear of death? Being mocked and executed for daring to strut into the capital of those who were repressing his people?
-A Moses Jonah was not.
-As a general rule, racism against Gentiles was high from the religious Jewish perspective...this idea that God chose the Jews and damn the rest of the world.
-Was it from Jonah's perspective that this was a suicide/instant martyrdom ticket from God? In Jonah's mind...'Why was God telling him to go to such a disgusting, subhuman people? Why has God abandoned His people to such a heathen people? Why would I preach that they should repent before they are destroyed?"
-----
4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.
The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."
-A contrast with Jesus sleeping on the boat in Luke 8:22-25
-Another ship with experienced sailors terrified for their lives and the prophet that is on the boat with them is sleeping through the storm.
-----
7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."
So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.
-Lot casting to determine 'who did it'.
-Drawing lots could be looked as being akin to an attempt to entice the divine to speak on various issues.
-How often do we turn on each other like rabid animals, accusing each other of being a bigger sinner...and somehow the cause of God's wrath at every small point in life?
-Is God simply attempting to punish and kill those who are in the wrong?
-Is God concerned simply with morality for its own sake? Cross reference with Matthew 9: 9-13 ...where are we in this mess? Are we making storms, egging the storms on or are we listening to those in pain...those panicking and without hope?
-----
8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"
-I get this picture in my head of the 'Life Boat' Donald Miller is talking about in "Searching for God Knows What"...this religious little tug boat where people are fighting to shove one another overboard...rights and lefts...conservative and liberals...these silly and unneeded squabbles over who God loves more...who will be first in the Kingdom...see Luke 9:46-56
-There is sad irony in that those called to Love and sacrifice all...are the first to attack, to kill and devour our own for the slightest advantage.
-----
9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."
10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.
11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.
-It sort of feels like as soon as we find a problem...our first thought is covering it up, burning it and throwing it out. What if we stopped the scramble over who is number one...and focused on *why* things are so bad...the problems are spiritual and with out nature...and with all the REAL problems in the world do we actually need polarizing statements and derogatory attitudes which will just cause distractions from the real problems at hand?
-Yes...we're on a sinking raft...AIDS, cancer, depression and addiction are rampant...what has changed since Jesus walked? The only thing I have found is an increase in the numbers...there has never been a 'good old time' because every person...every honest person is broken and needs life restored and life given again.
-Do we Christians actually believe God made the universe? Both the physical and spiritual reams? Do we sincerely believe EVERY human life is worth while? At what point do we start placing value on humans, on love and exchanging it like some cheap stock market? At what point does the belief in the Divine lead to action? At least something MORE than a thinly veiled attempt at sincerity.
-----
12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."
13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.
14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."
-Actual responsibility?
-Stupid decisions lead to people getting hurt. Everyone makes them...confessing them and owning up to imperfections is hard as Hell because it means risking respect, honor and letting people know we are just like them.
-There is this heavy degree of arrogance that exists in ministry...this attempt to separate those 'called' to ministry and those who prefer to sit in the church pew for when Jesus comes back and He is going to want a warm seat. Where is the resolve to throw these things away...and chase authenticity...?
-----
15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.
16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.
-Accidental serving God...it feels like genuine ministry happens by accident...that our approaches are so lame, so lacking in sincerity that it takes God working in spite of us to have someone realize the implications of Christ and the cross.
-Love requires sacrifice...and somehow God uses our mistakes to do good.
-These sailors would never have known of God without Jonah deciding to run away.
-Being used in spite of our best efforts to prove God wrong.
-----
17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.
-Jesus mentioned a 'sign of Jonah', see Matthew 12:38-45
-Jesus being that sign? In the grave for three days...?
Jonah 1
1-2 One day long ago, God's Word came to Jonah, Amittai's son: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer." 3 But Jonah got up and went the other direction to Tarshish, running away from God. He went down to the port of Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went on board, joining those going to Tarshish—as far away from God as he could get.
4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.
The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."
7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."
So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.
8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"
9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."
10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.
11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.
12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."
13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.
14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."
15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.
16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.
17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.
4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.
The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."
7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."
So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.
8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"
9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."
10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.
11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.
12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."
13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.
14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."
15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.
16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.
17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.
Degenerative Heart
The words are write...these things aren't right, they are mere perceptions hiding in the realm of smoke and mirrors.
I hate what I have become.
I need to cut the cancer out but I'm afraid it'll take my heart.
If I could I would run away from this place, from everyone I have even known and go into exile. Find a desert cave and pray for death. Looking in the mirror and seeing how false, how fake I am when I claim to carry and champion Truth...I don't know if it's the disease but I just want to vomit.
This is going to take some serious thought...serious...so serious...
I hate what I have become.
I need to cut the cancer out but I'm afraid it'll take my heart.
If I could I would run away from this place, from everyone I have even known and go into exile. Find a desert cave and pray for death. Looking in the mirror and seeing how false, how fake I am when I claim to carry and champion Truth...I don't know if it's the disease but I just want to vomit.
This is going to take some serious thought...serious...so serious...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I used to have such qualms about the whole doctrine of total depravity...but more and more each day do I see this living death running through my veins...like all the years of my life are just pushing down on me.
I hate these feelings...it's like...I breath and exhale toxin...the Love isn't based on who I should be but who I am...so why do I find it so hard to just accept it? Why do I have to live and die based upon my performances?
I'm so sick.
Sick of the lies and false parables,
bile rushing from my heart.
Such superfluous, such archaic, such viable vile things revolve around...giving birth to lies...fables...myths of self security...lies that everything will regain its status quo like nature...sick, so sick, so very sick.
It is cutting deep, so deep and red.
I hate these feelings...it's like...I breath and exhale toxin...the Love isn't based on who I should be but who I am...so why do I find it so hard to just accept it? Why do I have to live and die based upon my performances?
I'm so sick.
Sick of the lies and false parables,
bile rushing from my heart.
Such superfluous, such archaic, such viable vile things revolve around...giving birth to lies...fables...myths of self security...lies that everything will regain its status quo like nature...sick, so sick, so very sick.
It is cutting deep, so deep and red.
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