I'm so sick of that...yes...I am...

"Two-Twenty-Nine" - Brave Saint Saturn

No one told me it was going to rain today,
I turn my face down from the sky,
Something broke inside my heart today,
Christmas presents on the day she died.
Crippled dreams are never mentioned,
Broken things that never heal,
Mother said for me to give it time,
Tonight I cannot help but cry,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

There is a place that we call heaven,
A place where children never cry,
where you are never cold or hungry,
a place where you cannot go blind.
I turn my face up to the sky now,
I wipe the tears from my eyes,
Thank you God she lives forever,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

Soul Order Deposit

Every time I begin down this road again...there is the bock...this almost...inability to write or conceive a notion of what is truth...pain is there, this darkness...this dark place I have hidden my heart...far from truth and far from grace...a place only I know exists and I threw away the key.

To hide from You.
To run from You.
To know that I know not and relish my ignorance.
But You offer the way home.
Only You can sympathize and understand.
Lead me to freedom.

Hey you.
Yeah you.
I miss you.
A lot.

Blossoming Thoughts, Running Red

Such terror,
abstract yet vivid
pulling and twisting,
contorting and brewing darkness
deep inside.

Everything you imagined it could be,
every lie,
every soul screaming tidbit,
every last dying drop of venom
that is holding me inside,
defining
imaging
reimagining
every last tidbit screaming across this soul.

Bleeding,
reprocessing,
reaping that which was sowed
just to hear you beg,
some sort of silence
and some sort of reprieve
from truth.

It's hard to see the face
of one who is a traitor,
willing to hear truth
just until it started to hurt
and started to bleed.
Everything with you is about the now,
nothing about what has passed
or what is foretold to come.
You see yourself
but don't see anything
except the lies you wear
to justify
such a pretty lie.
Such a disgusting way to live,
like life was yours to give
and all you do is take,
never seeing the choice you made.

As for me,
freedom.
From this slavery of indulgance,
ripping my soul to make you happy.
Living a charade just to please
your indulgent fantasies.

I'll claw my way out,
find the light
and dig until I can see
and feel again.
Know that this isn't death
and that to live is to breath.

"Some Days Are Better Than Others" - U2

Some days just feel like you've drive your life into a wall, set it on fire and exploded along with the rest of it all.

*sigh*

Cherry Blossoms in the Winter

It's like feeling my soul
being soiled by your thoughts
ripped apart with every perceived
preconceived notion about my worth
every word
every breath
every single wasted thought
about you is a crime.
Making me hate my soul.

I wanted love,
acceptance
and guidance
all you can spare
is bitter
bitten
battered
hate
about yourself
focused on what I lack
in your picture perfect
fallen
falling apart
diseased
cadaver
you mistaken for a life.

I want to scream,
take the time to throw up
all of these lies
I've swallowed,
just years at a time,
and remind myself
just why it is
we are the way
and you are.

Just screaming words of being
justifying meaning
before you strip them off,
just with a single glance,
a bit of subdue verbiage.
Every time I think I'm free
I see myself a slave
in front of you
before you again.
I can scream until this collapses
and all I'll do
is just worship this hate.

Everything in this is a lie,
every word you see
every metaphor you process
into an image,
just a lie you sing
you cover your shame with
just to make me hate you more.

I want love,
so much it hurts.
I can't see you now,
just shadows and mirrors
blocking out
and I couldn't even see you
with a telescope
or see you close,
explore every inch with a microscope,
all I have is this duality,
this false nature
coupled with my personal insanity.
I miss you like mad
and hope there is eternity
because I know I'll never see,
I'll never fully hear
or know you until then.

I wish I had the strength to vomit.

Perfection is an assimilation of the many and diverse imperfections that make up so many unseen and yet needed.

Such is life, the horrific beauty.

Feeling and emotions...you do suck...a lot...

" The Best Is Yet To Come" - Metal Gear Solid OST

Why is it so hard for me to focus on one thing at a time?
To get anything done?

I'm so just...tired of feeling so disconnected and apart from everything...and so hungry. ~_~

I'm listening to Rage Against the Machine while watching Fox News. What is wrong with this picture?

You make me so sick,
I could just throw up
but that wouldn't get May anywhere these days.
Every time I move,
every time I sink my thought,
sink them deep into You
I don't think I have anything left
then I find myself,
just a little less than ever before.

God did in fact give rock and roll...he also gave metal so that I could actually start and finish work.

"Stryper" - More Than A Man

There is an end coming...all shadows and clouds obscure it...there will be a terrible sting...but then...freedom...release from these shackles of bondage...a reclaiming of all made new...beauty redefined in purpose and perfection...all new.

"999,999 / 1,000,000 " - Nine Inch Nails

It feels like a lesser version of "Biting the Hand" but I could actually link this video and it is still enjoyable in its own right...

Doesn't matter that much anyway,
I never did want it that way,
never could feel like you do
see the way you feel
or know the way you are.

Shallow, shallow just so shallow.
I can't keep my hands from shaking to save my life.
Every time I try to do something to shut them up, shut them and the inner voices up I just proceed to make things worse.

Critical failure as it were.

Below understanding, beneath feeling, under statement and interior relation mixed with falsity, yeah, something like that.

God I can't stand this much longer.
What is this?
What?
What?
What?
Tell me.
I do not understand.
How do I show love?
How do i do something without making them angry?
How can I stop being a failure?
How?
Why?
Any?
Anything?
Nothing?
Speak.
Please.
To.
Me.

Pachycephalosaurus- Showbread

"The Day The World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

I hate SOE.

No more Matrix.

Oh well.

Speak Ιησούς

Life is...fleeting away right now.

It's a mixture of the drugs...the loneliness...the dislocation and disconcerting feeling...I don't know where it is leading to.

I see beauty almost as well as I can hear it.

There are pictures in my mind, abstract thoughts I reach out to touch...just to find my hand is empty.

Every breath I take while walking down this road...I look for you and have no clue where I am, what things are...dear Ιησούς.

There are so many misinterpretations...so many fleeting and dying words...things that defy being and reason and justifiable existential cause.

Redundant life thought, bleeding, fornicating in existence with being.

The one thing being...this wasteland.
Oh wasteland, oh life.
This terrible thing I've clutched in my hand,
holding tight until it bled.
Blood mixing with sweat
and burning with hate.
God, what is this monster,
this facade I have become?

Behind me is death
and before is something I never knew.
When is it to late,
to late to say I'm sorry?
To be forgiveness for every sin
and the rot inside this soul?
The trepidation of a soul
forsaken truth.
If I am here
Jesus where are You?

I want to speak plain,
I want to sing
God I need to loose this life
and feel the cords cut
and the physical torn away
and eternity enveloping all.

I have no words to say
no verses to sing
and no truth to speak.

Every lie has grown in its own way.
All of my sin bears fruit,
burning and suffocating me
in this hellish garden,
marking my self righteous.

Where am I?
Where are You?

I want to cry,
I want to beg for peace
a new start,
some forgiveness
and a way of breaking out of this bond
and to become Yours.
Your Son, despite these mistakes.

I walk in the shoes of angels
that cower beneath Your Holy Rage
and I become so self reliant,
so forgetting
such a bastard child
when the realization is simple.

Truth is only You,
The Truth is only You.
I just beg for enough grace
to live these dying moments for You.
That I die not with a whimper,
but a shout,
Your name on my lips.

Enough of this false modesty,
humbleness reserved for serpents
and angels forgetting their place.
I never knew You
and claiming I carried Your love
is a joke making everyone laugh,
everyone except You.

And here I am,
raging and waging a one man war
against this dark
I'm just as a part of.
The simple lesson is the first
and the last,
that love reigns supreme
and I'm nothing but another misfit.
Another vagabond
taken in at the last moment.
Saved by fulfilled grace,
fulfilling broken promises
and giving me a mirror
to see the wretch called me.

No one who sees cares
and no one cares will see,
see the blood spent
and hours of breaking and forming
and falling apart on account of You

Every bleeding lie,
posing as a martyr
and what do we have left?
Lies that point to You.

Old friend of confused loneliness...you have returned...

I just heard the term 'interwebz' used on Fox news. The day is now complete.

So...so...tired of feeling like death...

I don't know...and I am not sure if I want to.

Every waking breath is carrying me one step closer to the absolute and whatever it may hold.

"All Along the Watchtower" - Jimi Hendrix

It's been one horror show of a day...the effort to push forward feels almost too much.

God, where are you in this pain and confusion?

I feel like I'm drowning...where is the way out?

It sucks so much that I get so upset over an animal dying...I'm ashamed and angry and don't know what to say...I hate love, I hate feelings...I hate feeling like I'm loosing everything even before it really begins.

"Show me the way to go home...I'm tired and I want to go to bed...I had a little drink about an hour ago...and it went...right...to...my...head."

Memories are so painful.

Just stepping out out of the call and my foot landing the in rain puddle...it takes me back and reminds of everything I've tried to forget.

Jesus, I think I hate this town, this university, everything here.

"Gone" - U2

Forgiveness

"Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering."
-Master Yoda


Forgiveness.

This word feel so cheap when I speak it from my lips.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness?

Forgiveness from what? From whom?

It's not like anyone enjoys the act of forgiving others but at the same time we want it.

We need it.

Even when we don't realize we need it, we crave for it.

It's like oxygen and love.

We need both to breath, to exhale, to inhale, to feel, to begin to blossom in the sunlight from the broken creatures we once were.

And what of these words?
So frail.
So fragile.
Dying so soon.

A part of me resents God and hates this concept of forgiveness and love. This idea of 'loving others AS MUCH as I love myself" (Matthew 22:39, emphasis added) and that bit about "I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst." (Matthew 5:44)

That is so irritating.

Infuriating even.

For someone who carries the weight of the world on his back as well as a few specially self created burdens of hate.

As one who is incredibly high strung, as someone who does not understand the concept of 'relaxing' or 'sleep' for that matter, this is infuriating because it means I am not only in the wrong but I am an idiot for wasting all of this energy on fear and confused anger.

To understand why people are willing to commit and do so many heinous acts you have to understand that so much of that rage comes from internalized fear. As cliche as it might seem we become what we surround ourselves with.

"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dark cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have. You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other." (Matthew 6:22-24)

Part of this problem is circumstances beyond my control and thought, most of the time.

So often the problem is me...but there is something more then me...there is more...sometimes I do not think it is there...but it is...it is not dependent on my thought or my perfection...luckily.


"Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. "The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I'm not keeping it to myself; I'm ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen.

""Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.""
-Matthew 11:27-30

"Something Like Laughter" - Five Iron Frenzy

How did I forget Socrates? *sigh*

Ad experiments...needless to say I'm a sell out.

Yes...give me some advert cash because I need it...

*sigh*

Pharmaceutical drug hangover for the loose.

I just can't tell...the difference...if I miss you or maybe just hate you...if I want to see you again or just wish Jesus would put this eternal divide between us.

Sometimes you just can't simply kill your demons or old ghosts...maybe sometimes they just need hugs...

"Hurt" - Johnny Cash

This Is...It?

Nightmares.
So little time.
Bearing on reality or not,
do you sincerely believe
that all is mere flesh and bones?
That someone,
the totality can be summed
in mere organic thought
and numerical being?

It's not like I can't see you,
every day of my life
I'm feeling just like you.
I see the pain and know it's trite,
but there is love
and love enough for you
just like there is love for me.
Love that overcame death
and crossed this chasm.
Love that screams for freedom
gasping for breath
as it whispers your name.

It is just like this one
to leave home before being ready.
Forgetting everything at the door
and selling myself before I can agree
but here I am,
just like you.
Going down,
crashing at a moment's notice.
Failing on love
just as I have before.

What will it take for you to see,
this love is real,
blood bought
and eternal in being
far outside our souls
but close enough to fear.
Love that never failed
and never will.

No matter what I've done,
this lifetime of failure
summed up in a breath
You have carried me.
It is You who took on flesh
and wore it these many years,
carrying this pain
in a cross shaped parcel
With no thought of loss,
the Hell or fear
You carried me just as easily.
How can I reply?
How does one so broken and finite
respond to one infinite in love?

I've nothing to give,
nothing but this broken life.
Look into my eyes and see,
see what you've missed.
See the blood stained tears
and know there is hope.
See the distraught soul
that has been carried
and forgiven a lifetime of sin
and know there is grace.

I hate dreams.

Stop being so vivid already.

I don't want to care.

God I'm going to have a freaking aneurysm before this is all done and said.

"The Beginning" - Showbread

"The Lamb" - William Blake

Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?

Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!