Coughing is a bit annoying.
Just saying.

I wonder if some memories are not meant to be remembered...but then what are they for and why do they exist?

On Jennifers

So Jennifer finally visited me...a couple weeks ago.
I know if I do not post this now I am not sure when I will.
I was medicated out of my skull and only have the faintest memories of the visit, however I was told it went well.

Seems I always have such strange timing.
Strange how she visited now and we met after years of correspondence.
Time is fleeting, so very fleeting.
Why won't you slow down so we can all take a comfortable stroll? 

Early Morning Existential Quandary

The greater the selection of options, choices and possible results...the greater the pressure of choice becomes.

At least it is from my perspective.

Maybe that is why it is so easy for me to feel such weight?
Even when I wish for it all to vanish in wisps of smoke.

One of the normal questions asked when diagnosing depression, anxiety and etc. is if a person has lost joy in their ever day life.

Why does it seem...what does it feel...like I either have to be joyful or miserable?

Not a balance of those two emotions but one of the poles.

I do not feel it is me setting me up for failure...but just if I do not exercise caution my heart/soul/mind wanders and finds all these questions, all these instances of pain and all of the sum total of silliness of human existence...and I feel the pain others feel.

Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to feel my own pain.
It is so much easier to let situations and guilt dictate how I breath.

What is this?
What is it we become at night?
For all the roads we walk
and questions we ponder,
where is it we are going?
Questions aplently
but answers afew.
Oh how I wish You were here.
So much regret.
So much pain.

I have to decide.
Sooner,
always sooner
and never later.

Stay with me.
Through this night,
through the pain,
as my flesh fails
and my spirit cries out,
stay with me.
Please.

Happiness is a state of...being?

I wonder if the lack of posting I've done on this blog means anything particularly outside of the fact I've been suffering severe drying up of writing...for one reason or another.

In some ways I do not think I could be happier...but in others I wonder what is going on. Why I am doing what I am doing and what I am doing it for...

I keep having to deal with emotional/mental stress on top and beside the physical ones...wondering what will happen. What will happen?

What is really worth fighting for in this mixed up world?
I am trying.
Thoughts keep spiraling one way or another.

Certain things in my life can keep going this way...but a lot of changes need to be changed.

There is hope...even when I'm not entirely sure what of and why and how.

Twilight Zone episode "A World of Difference" feels far too real and similar to things...far more than it should.

Surreality is feeling far too real.

Spiritual maturity...or lack thereof...
So many things, so much confusion.
I am having trouble putting words into exact meaning.

However, the fact I'm supposed to be something significant is disturbing.
I feel more like I'm falling from platform to platform as opposed to understanding or knowing exactly what is going on.

It's always nice to have creativity well received. ^_^
Yay poetry.

Golly gee.
This DOES feel like pneumonia actually.
I've got to stop getting sick so often...this is just getting silly.

Escape, Nausea Laden Trips

It feels so childish, drama laden and teenage angst to say "You do not understand me."
But honestly.
Going with pure honest thought.
It is how I feel.

I let that kind of stuff effect me too much.
You.
The one reading.
The one not reading.
The one looking.
The one passing by without a thought.

My thoughts do not compile in rational thought as it rushes hither and tither, trying to make some sense while at the same time just as likely to send me into being in panic mode.

And then I claim to be a Christian Pacifist when I'm so angry and destructive.
I want so much.
And act like I deserve it.
I cause so much pain by my choices.
Darkness feel so close.
Close and burning in my heart.
Wrapping and intoxicating hate where I do not have to feel or think.
Hope is painful.
Love makes no sense.

But here I am.
Hanging on.
Crying out in the dark.
Hope will prevail.
Light cannot be destroyed.
Refracted.
Confused.
But the Love of Christ burns in this dark.

So I stand here.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

You win blogger.
I've switched to the new layout and there are so many shiny things that I do not know where to click.
If this was your attempt to reduce the amount of random babble I spew throughout the year...you shall not win!

Now if only I could figure out where the publish button is...

Ouch.

Squick.
People...ARE insane.
Unfortunately this is not just a localized phenomenon...

Considering everything.
I have to smile.

"Maybe there is good to be done
where darkness abounds
we dare to hope
use love to beat evil down"
-Showbread, "Escape Planet Cancer"

Fading Away

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to remove myself from situations.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain things.

There are those I would give anything to talk to again...but communication seems to be dead.
No returned messages.
Is that the nature of life?

I hope.
I need to hope.

Things keep spinning out of sync.
I'm so sick so often and feel so lost.
I miss You.
And you.
And you beautiful Muse.

Everything is fading
the colors can glow
and even hurt too.

I want to hope.
I need to hope.
Even when I forget...
I just forget.

I suppose the wonderful thing about life is that no matter how bad somethings may seem...may get...how bad they hurt...

The dawn still comes.
The world will rotate.
Another chance.
Another time.

One day for each of us it will end.
But so far it seems as though my role isn't finished being played.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I really hate panic attacks.
Goes to show you that...
Not sure WHAT it does show.

I'm just going to make the call and be done with it already.
Yeeeeash.

Ouch.
That pain thing still is evidently going on.

Quote of the Day

“The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Arise! Arise, riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered - a sword day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world's ending! Forth Éorlingas!"
-Théoden,

Burning Time on my Hands

Wind whipping,
rain slipping
and not enough to wash
and drain the blood
in this house in Oklahoma.

No, never could there be enough
to clean the blood on that blouse.

Sin for sin,
buying bread for gold.
Things keep slipping
and twisting
deeper into this hold.

Not enough blood to spill,
never to clean.
Scarlet and purple outlining
just a cross and crown
just downsizing
an empty house.

Waiting.
Waiting.
For that still small voice

"We're in this Together Now" - Nine Inch Nails

Quote of the Day

"And in the end/
the love you take/
Is equal to the love you make"
-The Beatles

Muse oh Muse, how I miss thee.
Emails, calls and texts go unreturned.
How can I write without thee?
Give a message.
A cry.
A shout.
Let me know hope still flies
and that your beauty is still alive.

Quote of the Day

That's what everybody keeps saying. "I'm just a professional". Everybody keeps saying that to me. "I'm just a professional", "I'm just a professional". I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that."
-Creasy

Psalms 134

"Praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord
who minister by night in the house of the Lord."
-Psalm 134:1

Yahweh, Abba, Daddy, Father, Lover...oh I need You.
This night is so dark, the pain is so vivid and driving me crazy.
Please help me.
Please.

Light my way.
Help me to see.
Not to be obsessed with myself or others but to show love, grace and compassion no matter my walk in life, no matter where I go or what I see and do.
Please help me to learn to be responsible.
Thank You Daddy.
I need You.

Psalm 128

"How joyful are those who fear the Lord—
all who follow his ways!
You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
How joyful and prosperous you will be!"
-Psalm 128:1-2

I have to ask...what am I doing wrong?
Is it me being cynical?
Negative?
Not willing to be nice enough?
Positive enough?
Kind enough?
I do not enjoy suffering and pain God.
I would like to do things...and well nice things to happen.
What can I do differently?

I don't think it's just a psychological change needed and I want to do the right thing.
And the right thing regardless.

Today is going to be long, painful and challenging.
Please help me to keep a positive attitude, as much of a smile as possible, a willingness to go above and beyond and ultimately remember that Your Love for me is greater than these fleeting pains I will experience every day of my life.

You are beautiful.
Wonderful.
A matchless Love and Beauty beyond my comprehension.
Hope beyond hope.
Beauty beyond Beauty.

It is all just one day at a time and I want to be lost in this Love.
Thank You for loving, rescuing, saving and wanting me.
I love You.
Thank You for loving me.

So tired of being so sick and in so much pain so often.
Choices, choices and choices.

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

"Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me"

"I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart."

And all those projects I was going to start?
Since I got unemployed?
Forgot about them till right now.
Ooops.

Migraine sure won't help me be productive... >_>

Ouchies.
Migraine.
After everything else...this is kind of hilarious in a "Ouch, please stop hurting." kind of way.

Night turned out to be really well...someone who I thought had forgotten...had forgotten but things did a quick one hundred and eighty degree turn. ^_^

"As the Ruins Fall" - C,S, Lewis

For several years now, I have read this poem on my birthday. Growing older has helped me realize the interconnectedness, our need for one another and ultimately our need for a God bigger than we could imagine.

Thank you all for joining me on this merry adventure, I look to many more years with you all.

-Matt

** ** ** ** **

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Knowing does help.
Actually.

Knowing just what the &$%^ is going on would be nice.

"Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise "