Sleep Sleep, wonderful sleep.
Oh how I miss thee.

The Rising Sun

It is weird to not sleep at night. For reasons I am not sure of, my body just has a mind of its own...normally I can't sleep late...but this has gone to the next level to where I just can't sleep...well I mean a couple hours here and there but nothing seriously consistent...it IS slightly annoying I will admit.

But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.

If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.

The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.

I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.

I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.

I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.

Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.

Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.

Random Thought

You know...as much as I enjoyed writing about all of those songs...I just realized posting them up here will most likely contribute to the deliquesce of the youth and the utter collapse of the economy because of the increase of file sharing.

Why must human beings so broken?

Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?

Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!

Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Music Only)

01 Zak and Sara.wma

02 The Asent of Stan.wma

03 Something About Us.wma

04 Face to Face.wma


05 Disarm.wma


06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma


07 600 A.D. Theme.wma

08 To Far Away Times.wma

09 Still Fighting It.wma

10 Life is Like A Boat.wma

11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma

12 Digital Love.wma

13 Fool in the Rain.wma

14 Fools Paradise.wma

15 Roads.wma

16 Love Rescue Me.wma

17 All I Want is You.wma

Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Essay Version)

Music moves the soul.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.

That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.

Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.

There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.


01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.

02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.

03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.

04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.

05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.

06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.

It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.

07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.

08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.

09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.

My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.

I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.

The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.

I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.

My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.

I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?

I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:

"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."

For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.

10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.

11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.

This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.

The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".

12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.

This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.

13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.

14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.

He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.

For sure he is a hero of mine.

15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.

16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

17 All I Want is You.wma

-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.

I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.

Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.

The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.

This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.

True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.

The Misadentures of One Princess Christine - Outline

Note to self: Since I was stupid enough to forget to upload this earlier...I'm stuck without a way to be able to edit and add...so this is a continuation of a story with no beginning...but to give the general idea...

-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.

-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?

Die Apology Die!

Three-Oh-One

All of these thoughts
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.

Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.

Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?

Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.

Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.

Post Three Hundred of the Year!

...I just don't have much to report.

Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.

Life moves on and on and on...

Yeah.

Witty and funny, come back!!

I think I am actually about to be able to fall asleep...

Hooray for breakfast pizza!

...but in hindsight this may kill my stomach. >_<

My cat snores from time to time...well it's more of a wheeze...but it is still odd all the same.

Still haven't slept...*sigh*...

Daddy...this has been one long night. Please stay with them tonight and hold them close.

I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.

Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.

It's safe to say that now I feel worse then I did before.

A Frantic Prayer

Jesus...Jesus...I'm alone in this world and fucked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?

-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'


You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.

This is a damn shame.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!

Pure genius.

Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?

I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.

I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.

Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?

What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.

If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.

Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?

My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.

All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.

Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.

Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please

Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.

Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.

Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.

I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.

Goodbye today.
Hello tomorrow.
Maybe today's crap will stay here,
and you tomorrow will be new.

Thoughts and their processes...

...begin and respond.

Action followed quickly by reaction.

So far away.
So almost near,
but you are just as close.
Now if ever.

I hate feeling so torn, so separated...these feelings of pain, depression, sickness and doubt.

Who I am hates who I have been and is afraid of who I will become.

It is so hard for me to will myself to do anything outside of self loathe.


I feel like I am something inexpressible.

I want so badly to be understood and just accepted as myself.

No more fights, no more convoluted thoughts.

Help. Me. Please?

Peace On Earth

Heaven on Earth, we need it now
I'm sick of all of this hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be peace on Earth

Where I grew up there weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

-U2, "Peace on Earth"

Dearly Dearing Dance

Good night world.
Good night sky.
Good night lord.
Goodbye life.

These things run simply across the screen,
vain repetitions of a half baked lie.
Words flash incandescently by no real mean,
with nothing more than a half hearted try.
Colorful letters spelling out
as they caresses softly, grating these raw nerves.

The boy I am and the man I'll become are two different people.
The chasm of time stretches in endless miles,
the likes which seem to never end.
Willingly I bask in adoration I never earned,
desperate clawed attempts to find my way
as I strive to do nothing more then pretend.
This false salvation is what I only dare to try.

Good night dear stars.
Sleep well dear Love,
my heart in your hands.
Every last breath of my being is in You.
Every last thought of mine but a drop of Your ocean.
My being is in of and nothing more than You.

Ever pained breath,
desperate for life in this raging sea.
Every red eye,
pained by salty tears and promised lies.
Every burning ear,
conditioned to failure by damning hands.

The clay which you break and mold into beauty.
The beginnings of the greatest life never lived,
the start of a story which has never been told.
You embody the loveliness and hope we never knew we would need.

Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Dearest love of mine.
This plastic charade.
Goodbye and goodnight.
I will no longer miss you,
false smiles with pretense.
The beauty of the skin now scourged by knife
and scorched by flame.
A purity found only in the redemptive salvation of innocent blood.
The forgiveness brought and bought by something greater then me,
more then the lies I embrace as I stab you in the back.
More then I ever knew I needed.
This vain repetition I clutch too.

Goodnight, please keep me safe.
Goodbye, it is hard but I want to be free.
Goodnight, love please light my way.
Goodbye, never in ending but only in You.

Jesus...Jesus I need you so much.

I'm scared and I feel alone.

Things are so superficial around me...they are confusing and I just...I just need some kind of real rest, some kind of healing...some way of breaking out of this cycle of pain.

Do you love me as much as you promise?

Please do not let me self destruct.

Don't let me die here.
Don't let me die like this.
Please Daddy.

You know, I don't know if I'm scared and terrified of my sin because I know you know...or because I'm afraid others may find out and realize the absolute scumbag I am.

U2 - If God Will Send His Angels

I'm so inspired I might be sick.
Feeling your words like claws
I can't help but smile.
The insanity of it all.

Day 21

"Show your strength, God, so no one can miss it.
We are out singing the good news!"
-Psalm 21:13


I'm not exactly sure what to say or anything.

I want to experience you closer, I want to be closer to you and I would like to sing.

I just feel distant you know?

Kinda like how we can be closer but right now I'm just feeling so bad that it is hard to focus or concentrate.

I'm tired of being worried about nonsense and my hypocrisy...I just want to be clean, I want to be loved, I want to be yours.

I'm exhausted and feel ill.
Please help me to come back.

Ye gats I feel like I'm floating here.

I wish my body would stop freaking out long enough to realize that if it didn't freak out life would be much less of a headache.

Sleep now...please?

Seriously...?

Identity...I feel like I'm losing it...in a very bad way, identity I mean.

Really, who am I?

I have defined myself by titles, work I was doing, the praise of others, degrees, honors and other menial (and to be perfectly honest useless)things.

It's possible for me to be a chameleon around everyone. Everyone.

I'm not sure who the real me is.

Just whoever the hell he is, I am quite sure he is not a fan of circumstances...but then so what?

So, what?

The basic, good sense advice is to be happy with what I got and with who I am and what things are. If you boil things down I am just your typical middle middle class spoiled white kid who has two pretend degrees, a lot of health problems, an unbelievable amount of room for doubt and self loathing, few real job prospects, no real life aspirations and well... the bed I'm laying on, a glass of tea, U2 playing in Winamp and an increasingly neurotic orange cat by the name of Yoda.


So...story time:

One of the first major errors I made with theology came about partly because of my home life but mostly because I was a confused fourteen year old trying to wrap his head around life, the universe and everything.

Stoicism is a quite ancient form of Greek philosophy that I really do not feel like going into completely but will just hit on two relevant highlights:

-Matter is bad and spirit is good.
-Self improvement and discipline is the route to salvation and happiness.

Growing up in the ever so lovely South Eastern Maniac Christian Themed Land I still live in, I not only regularly heard these ideas but turned them into personal ideals. It went something like this:

"Sexual thought, sex itself, sex in general, the word sex, alcohol, beer, mixed drinks and Harry Potter are all the scourges of society. The utter moral corruption and decay we are facing from can be found in all these horrifically horrible acts. All we have to do is protest, stamp our feet really hard and put our fingers in our ears while humming loudly and we might just change the world. All the horrible things involving abortion, sexual addiction to porn, genocide and boy bands can be stopped if we make a loud enough noise while making sure the spot light is pointed right at us...right?"


Maybe it was just because I wasn't told enough as a child that I was loved but for some reason I embraced the idea behind those two ideas of Stoicism...the physical is bad/the spirit is good and if one works hard enough everything will be okay.

Well, it wasn't that I actually sat down and thought out about embracing heretical ideas...it is just something I was taught in church and the supposed example set for me by adults.

Really it is weird thinking about how greatly my life was impacted by an idea in church that has no legitimate business being there in the first place but if I had a dime for every time I have had one of these thoughts...

*Coughs* So...digressing.

I quite obviously do a lot of thinking and soul searching. One of the things on my mind lately has been trying to understand why I have been depressed and otherwise in a constant up and down state for most of my life. Sure we do have the theory about the chemical imbalance but what if, just what if I have been setting myself up to fail all of these years?

Obviously the idea behind Christianity is quite a good one (regardless if you believe or not).

1.God made a lot of crap and then made man.
2.Satan tempted man and man screwed up by sinning.
3.God in his infinite holy self hates sin.
4.Since God's holy rage is infinite Man is infinitely screwed.
5.Despite being severally pissed off, in a holy fury kind of way, God still loves man and longs to be near him again. Knowing this would happen, God had a plan: Jesus.
6.The Son part of the Trinity comes to earth and is a baby born of a virgin, God in literal human flesh.
7.Jesus lives a perfect life and along the way heals some blind guys, makes some awesome wine for some quite tipsy guys at a wedding and in general loves the unlovable misfits of this world while enraging the religious elite.
8.The aforementioned religious elite get together with other figures and eventually plot out how to get Jesus to look bad and be able to kill him.
9.Jesus is 100% God and 100% man. This concept gives me a 100% headache but at the same time is still true. Jesus allows himself to be arrested, beaten and horrifically tortured and executed.
10.This death was a deliberate act meant to take the place of man before an infinitely holy rageful God that had been offended by the sins of his creation.
11.In other words, because Jesus is God, God essentially chooses to die to redeem his beloved people from the mess they put themselves in.


I know I missed some bits here and there...but that is what the gospel means to me. It means that I am loved in spite of myself, my actions and my mistakes.

Christianity is not about earning salvation. God isn't the spiteful prick we try to make him into. He created us to be joyful, to enjoy love with him and each other. But at the end of the day life is not about us and our little plastic dreams. It's about Him and the fact we are incurable unless we go to Him.

Sexuality, alcohol and Harry Potter are not the reason why the world is so messed up. It is messed up because human nature is broken. But despite that there is love and real hope...but there is a tension between my recovering self and the love of Christ.

The big problem is that I do not think that I follow this very well. I might be mistaken and could be next in line for pope but at the end of the day I see the me that no one else does.

I tend to focus on the negative more then the positive.

The negative is that the world is messed up.
The positive is that there is a Love greater then I can understand but wants to know me on a personal level.

It may seem like self delusional crazy talk (do keep in mind who is writing this after all) but in all sincerity there is something deeper to this then mere placebos. Religion may be an opiate of the masses but real Christianity is meant to set fire to the soul and force us to look at the ugliness of ourselves but in the light of a forgiving love from one begging us to accept His love.


Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It was written by Solomon after spending a life of being the worlds richest king that had over a thousand women. Long story short the fame, the money, the sex and the life left him empty, hung over and wondering who stole his wallet.

The book acts as a deep reflection over the life he lived and how little value exists in so many things we place priority in. Similar to Proverbs it offers a lot of wisdom chunks here and there.

"I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life - here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?

It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it."

-Ecclesiastes 7:15-18

Balance is the key.
Finding a balance between where I am and where I am going.
Who I am and who I could be.
Finding a reasonable hour to go to sleep at.

I would dare say a lot of my pain has been needless because of trying to be something I am not. This doesn't excuse the bad but it does mean I am lovable as myself, in ways I'll never understand.

Jesus I think I'm going to fucking throw up.

Please, please help me.

Official 2008 Olympics Song: Please Ignore The Communism

It's Official:

Novel editing sucks.

Bleeeargh.

I sometimes get so damn tired of dealing with this...seriously. I'm so tired...so sick...so frustrated.

Could I please have some degree of peace?

Seriously...why?