Third Time Out

My third day to substitute teach. It has been a month since my first two days so I am feeling slightly rusty...or perhaps that is the feeling of rustic?

Regardless I have been up since five AM because of going to bed so early last night because of a migraine.

Random thoughts...random thoughts...

I am not even sure what to write. So much of my material comes from being in pain and since I am relatively free of pain for the time being I am lacking in material to write about.

The heart still beats, it pushes blood through the physical being as the deeper spiritual core still pulsates with life. Despite the cold unassuming appearances a deeper fire still remains. Putting to death our preconceived notions of life, the heart defies our expectancy, the limitations we place on love, on peace and on life.

Father we need you here. Please.

Yeah.

There is a consistent drained feeling that keeps coming and going. Somedays it is physical, other times emotional and most every day it is at least spiritual.

My general want is to run away from it all. To find an outlet in the very act of retreating further inside...but the problem I face is where to run when I have reached my own personal inner limits?


The subtle solution offered by more and more people is the idea of drowning out ideas we do not like with chemicals. It may be irrational paranoia but it almost feels like a method of subtle mind control. Sure, I am the last one to say anything negative about this kind of thing (it's not like I of all people have EVER taken antidepressants... >_>) but how far is to far?

I can assume the general opinion is that those who are severally depressed on a regular basis are not normal. That there is some inherent abnormality about them that should be fixed.

Is that so? I do not attempt to say there is no pleasant or happy things in the world but I think ignoring reality with a blind sugar coated view of life can be even more dangerous then a person attempting to view life in proper perspective.


Plus other events from the other week will not leave my mind. I feel guilty, confused and generally just filled with slight turmoil. Dramatic words for sure but bottom line I would like to just do the right thing and not cause more hurt. That is what I hate the most, even doing the right thing still hurts people.

Yeah.

I hate that you will most likely never read any of this.

PWNED

moar humorous pics

Is this a prayer worth praying or not?


I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me


I would like to be ready. Please help me.

Ack.

I wish hatred was a simple of a solution as it seemed and I was under no obligation by a higher power to show love.

Companies are evil or at least seem to have their interest higher then those of employees. Arson almost seems like a better way to make money.

I still do not know what you want for me to do. Okay, I admit I have ideas but COME ON ALREADY, what am I supposed to do with that? How does this pan out into anything I can try to actually live life with? How much more weary does my soul need to be before you will step in?

You know I want to quit. I'm sick of it, I want to quit in every way. I would appreciate being rescued by your love.


"Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

- U2, 'Love Rescue Me'

Innuendo

Meh.

Why do I care? Furthermore, why should I?

Yeah it is another day but does that really mean a whole lot? After last night what do you plan on doing? Is there anything really worth saying or doing that will change anything?

You want real change, you want a genuine broken heart that will throw everything away?

I do not know why you would look at me or want to care but you have. Do not take me as being an ingrate but I wish things could be easier.

All the same, thank you.

Oie

Well, that was something. Now what?

What am I getting myself into?

I just felt the need to clarify that question for you.

Any response you know, would be good. You don't have to set anything on fire this time...I'm happy with a post it note.

I promise.

Note to self:

Short story involving person having a conversation with their personal demons. A whole book of collection of short stories type thing, in the vain of Screwtape Letters as it were.

Personal demons in the sense of some tangible spirtual entity. Not cheesy in the sense of a script reject for The Exorcist XII but in the sense of something Biblical, ala Legion and 'The Strongman'. Real personal problems induced by physical, emotional, spirtual pain as well as the day to day living in this world.

Two layers of exsistance physical and spirtual.

A gradual change of focus off the self and more of the general self problems.