It will be nice to actually recover...and for time to make sense...less ups and downs...less odd feelings...less feelings like I am just floating around.

Yeah...

I'm going to apply for that internship because I feel a strong conviction in my heart to make an impact.

Every time I think of those who are hurting and selling their bodies and souls for money...who think they are beyond the love of any human much less the Father...I just am mixed with feelings of deep sadness, rage and longing to show them that they are not alone.

Sadness at the needless pain, sadness at the often times innocence that is raped away by this world. Sadness at the needless hurt. Sadness because I'm so weak and stagnant in my own heart.

Rage at my own weakness, my own cowardice. Rage at the demons that mislead people, that I hear whisper in my ear every day. Rage at so often failing to take a stand that is needed in my own personal life with the people I interact with on a daily basis.

I have so far to go in trying to understand this love that I want to share.

It feels like if a lot of the people I knew had any idea of how often swear words entered my mind and flew from my pen, I think they might pass out, or something.

I NEEEEEEED SLEEP!

Can't sleep, going crazy.

I am exhausted.

I need sleep.

Please Daddy, please.

It is frustrating that in what little contact I have made in trying to find a church position I am now more convinced then ever that I will never be hired unless I am willing to put on a charade and parade around religiosity bullshit that would otherwise cause me to vomit.

The fact that Jesus loves you should not only be a comforting thought but it should become the deepest desire in the very being of your soul. It should become the single most disturbing thought that haunts your every waking and sleeping moments. The fact the one who spoke creation into being is enraptured with your sinful and otherwise useless failure of a self should cause you to stand up boldly under the weight of knowing that without his very breath and attention your frail body would collapse in of itself and you would drown in your own bodily fluids.

...on further reflection I think I see why I will not be hired anytime soon.

Realizing my own potential for cold blooded evil is not the same as me following through with the acts.

But it does still scare me.

Greatly.

I suppose this is what makes me the absolute same as every other human:

I am a rather horrible person. Undeniable fact really.

Good? Giving? Kind? Courteous?

Semantical ideals that are no more then lies, lies we need to tell ourself so we can lay down at night and sleep.

Nothing more and nothing less.

Human beings really can only handle so much real truth.

We polish up everything we are to afraid to deal with and what may make us upset. Wonderful horrors we are all deep down.

Another day of pain in my gut and in my back and neck. I'm itching on my body from using the pain killers.

I had such a vivid dream last night.

It started out with me being back at the University of Mobile, in Samford Hall. I was in the lobby but things had changed in the dorm. It was much bigger, with more rooms and more halls.

Thomas was there. He was his brusque self as always.

We hung around and eventually about four other piled into our dorm room, saying they wee staying there as well. It was crowded but not uncomfortably so.

At some point I was on the first floor, then things turned to Harry Potter. Death Eaters came, I assume I somehow became Harry Potter because I saw Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger.

I am very tired, very sleepy, very pained and need sleep.

...and my Ginny Weasley as well.

I want to play some freaking music already.

Press *86 In Case of Zombie Attacks

Tonight is the night I never thought I would see
Everything that was just fade away
Taken apart in a blind zombie eating rage!

Zombies to the left of me,
Zombies to the right
Look out for the one about to bite
Grab the shotgun shells and let’s go fight

Don’t get trapped down an alley,
Or to snug in your aerie
There’s a war in the streets
Man versus the beast

You know I don’t care the cause
Zombies rise and Zombies fall
You know I could sing it all day long

Haunted cabins and desolate malls
All fill my sight as I try to let go
Infected labs can produce the disease
That’s okay; they can still burn to the ground

Look out tonight, some heads might roll,
I’m revving up the chainsaw
And about to come get some


Zombies to the left of me,
Zombies to the right
Look out for the one about to bite
Grab the shotgun shells and let’s go fight

Don’t get trapped down an alley,
Or to snug in your aerie
There’s a war in the streets
Man versus the beast


They're gonna eat your love ones
The're gonna kill the hated ones
Just like the rising sun
This plague doesn't care who it falls upon

zombies to the left to the right
its gonna be one long night
grab the shotgun shells
open the door to Hell,
'cause there is a lot to pay

Let’s go fight
let’s go fight

Au Revoir, Amour

La bonne nuit; Dieu nous rachètent et gardent?
(For the good night; can God save and keep us?)

Singing another sad tune
full of broken thoughts
filled with bleeding hearts

I came here to say,
A stopover just to say
Goodbye and goodnight.

If dreaming was real
The pain could be healed
My heart would take flight
Thank you much,
Goodnight.

The moonlight dance
in thoughts concealed
A bright burning light,
never to be lit

Stopping by just to finish up
It's hard to say goodbye
to that which you never knew
Harder, yeah harder still

Goodbye, good night
I wish you well
To not worry, never to bother
about that which isn't seen