Friday, December 13, 2013

So much self destruction over someone who doesn't give a royal damn if I live or die.

I'm so so so tired.

Is this battle even worth fighting?

Dull Flickering Light

I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.
The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.

Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.

She was not real.
None of it seems to have been.
And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.

I was not played.
There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.

Now the trick is remembering how to live.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?
Does it matter that I pray?
This night seems to have no end.
Father I am terrified.
The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?
What is love?
Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.
And to hope.

I am falling.
Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.
Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.
If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Another  rheumatologist appointment and some hope i can be diagnoised with something more specific than "ouch, I am in severe pain and would like to not be in so muh pain."

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Time to Hope

If I have nothing more than anything it must be hope.

It is what will keep me alive if anything will.

This nightmare seems to have no end and the bleakness seems more real than anything else.

I need to hope but I am so unsure and not sure of why I live and try.

Death is so much easier but I do feel a need to live and see how things resolve. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

To clarify I hate relationships and the falseness inherit...and the people they are with,
I hate people.

Friday, December 6, 2013

PSA

Letting go of you hurts so bad I feel like I may die.

Considering I almost died and you were more concerned about YOU...fuck you.

If this pain means I am never weak enough to be deluded into thinking I need a horrible person like you around...any pain is worth being rid of you.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Belonging

To say I don't fit in is anunder statement. Far as back as I can recall I have been this...thing.

Cannot call it living or dead...just some barely hanging on and broken garbadge.

Is it true?

I suppose it doesn't matter because if you tell a person something, anything really, for a long enough then they believe it.


Post Scripts in the Breeze

Far from being back open for business I just felt a need to post that, for the time being at least, I am still alive.

Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?  

It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...

And I still live.

If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.

A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from  making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.

I cannot decide how this will end yet.

If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.

I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live. 

I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.
I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?

I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.

I know Truth.
It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but  a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.

One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.

There are a number of people who care.

Some who will even read this.

I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Beep.

Beep.

Beeeeeeeep.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Lost Moments in the Hereafter

Time and time again.
Circles turning,
clock churning
and ticking
moment by moment
fading.

Breath by breath
the second hand passes
and we wait.
Time by time
inching closer to death
we all wait
hoping for that which never changes.


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Soul Full of Strange

Wow.
Life is just...so, so strange.
So excessively weird.
Extraordinary strange.
Over the moon.
Barking mad.
Mental.
Insane.

This growing by numbers at a day is so slow and yet so fast at the same time.
If one does not pay close attention everything slips through like sand through fingers.
Is this life?
Is this moment life?
This passing and fleeting second?
Life?
Sincerely and seriously?

 Moving so slow.
In location change, in health, in school, in work and life.
Breathing pains.
What am I willing to give up so I can be free?
What am I willing to embrace so I can be free?
What pains?
What joys?
What burdens must I burn?
What plastic hopes need I trash?


Monday, September 23, 2013

Life...is strange.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Well that was a long time to have a broken laptop and no real way to post.

Hi world.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Oh goody.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

On Birthdays

So I survived another year.
Twenty-seven.
Twenty-seven?
What an odd number.

That's seven numbers higher than I can safely count on my digits.

What am I supposed to use?
Dice?
An abacus?

Twenty-seven years.
That's a lot of days.
A huge number of hours.
A stupid amount of minutes.
I'm not even sure if the number of seconds can actually be that long but geez.

I'm still here.

Struggles with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health...and I am still here.

Battered, graying hair, confused about where the bruise on my shin came from and wondering how life came to be so beautiful while I was busy being so worried, so lost in deep thought.

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be now it would have not have involved the word "Saraland" or the fact this place has become an unexpected second home involving a host of strange characters of whom I am not entirely sure of which are real and which are merely figments of my far too over active imagination.

Of course I tease.

I am fully aware of who is and who is not a highly interactive hallucination; it's just infinitely more fun to put on a show for the crowd.

And so time passes on just as it has for as long as it has and will continue to do so until matter itself finds a good stopping point.

Beauty, horror, love, hate, rain, sunshine, perfection, sin, creativity, dullness and the record player will keep playing music for as long as God finds a need to keep this utterly bizarre human condition going.

All I can do is observe from my front row seats as time flows by second by second and I wonder at what will happen next.

Life is a bit like the weather in Alabama; if you don't like it wait about five minutes and it will change. Conversely, you can always cross the road to get out of the rain; unless of course you are like me and feel alive when the rain is falling from the heavens, droplets pressing against your skin and  setting your soul on fire with the whispers of God's promises of Love and Grace.

"Time" - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

And so the night goes on...

In ways it feels like I missed my birthday.
Certainly sleeping fifteen hours on that day doesn't help.
I was running a fever yet  again.

I am still occasionally having a fever but thankfully my throat is cleared out and I can more or less breath and talk without excruciating pain.

Instead I'm staring at a white screen and typing in symbols instead of staring at the ceiling.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for the third time today.

That album has really grown on me.

Time is passing by.

I feel such a need to withdraw.

And at the same time this need to engage.

Two warring factions within myself.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Please sleep?

Fine.
No sleep.

Ack.
Pain.

Stupid body.

Must...find...sleep...

Saturday, July 6, 2013

A Life of Arrested Development

I suppose one might call my life one of arrested development.
I'm about to leave my mid twenties and be in my late twenties.
Yet I am afraid.
Deeply afraid.
Terrified.
Such palatable pain and fear.
To such a point I often do not know what to do.
So I hurt.
Deeply.
And react.
So I hide.
I fight to break free.
For what?
Illness.
Pain.
Sickness.

Does this make sense?
Did I choose such a path?
Was I given a choice?

And yet here I am.

Uncertain.
Afraid.
Longing.
Lost.
Needing.
Hoping.
Praying.
Feeling.
Believing.

Do you see the sun rise?
Such pale distant piercings of faint light?

Some call my God a dream.
Falsehoods built over fears.
Yet Love won me.
Divine Lover wooing me with passion.
Washing me with Love and Grace.
Impossible concepts.
Impossible ideas.
Things I could never grasp.

But arrested and stunted in emotional growth I might be in,
I still hope.
Hope.
Love.
Need.
Give.

From here.
To you.
From me.


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hmm.

Last day of June.

Year has flown by.

Hmm.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Distance in Thoughts

Riding these thoughts like waves...I'm here.
Am I going through life or just falling through time and managing to hit every step along the way?

The more I think the harder it is to write.
The thoughts become a whirlwind.
I lose my step.
The sand becomes swept into a vortex of endless possibilities.

I see but I am blind.
I hear but I am deaf.
I touch but I cannot feel.
I am alive but I am not here.

Distance becomes reality as I exist.
Time flows.
The age unwinds as planets spiral around stars spinning.