Sunday, May 19, 2013

Either caring or not caring.
There is no middle ground.
Killing my emotions dead.
Huh.
Doesn't seem as far fetched or crazy as it might have a year ago.
Almost a year ago today even.

It is frighteningly painful how fast time goes.

Sunday Evening

Should I give a damn about the lack of effort exerted?
It should cause pain.
Distress.
Discomfort.

...and yet...nothing.

Void.

Null.

Not even apathy...a concentrated effort for nothing.

Eventually the emotion will come swirling back.

An explosion.

But for now...

 "Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore"
It's a wee bit depressing when the people you are supposed to love are the ones to whom it is easiest to lie.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.


Monday, May 6, 2013

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The plus side of self awareness, is that deep down...I know how incredibly horrible of a person I am and somehow manage to get away with it.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I wish

I wish...for so many impossible and irrational things.
So much hope and so many lite.
more, time and whatever...I'm sorry for not doing more..

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Wishes in Pale Sunrise

I wish I could cry.
Let go.
Feel again.
Let the pain rush pass
and slip through my lips.

I wish I could cry.
Feel more.
Pain again.

But it doesn't matter.
The ones who would listen are gone.
It's a blank wall.

Scribbles on a page.
Passing by.
Day again.
Day again.
Another second.
One more labored breath.

Such meanignless phrases.
Time.
Love.
Loss.
Hope.
Doesn't make any sense.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Irksome

You know what is irritating?
Feeling attempts at being manipulated.
I'm not an idiot.
On the rare occasion I can put two and two together.

Oh well.

Such is life, right friend?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.
I miss being excited.
Living life in anticipation.
Having conversations that stimulated and drove me to want to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

However, as of late, there has been months of pervading melancholy. 

I am sleeping in a more healthy and productive manner, eating better, taking vitamins and bothering to exercise in all senses...but there is still this pervading hole.


Sigh.

Monday, April 1, 2013

More Medical Fun

So my chiropractor is really concerned about my migraines, neck pain, vision issues and is wanting me to see a neurologist for a MRI and CT scan.

That is terrifying in the least.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Yeah.
Another day.
More work.
More being tired.
Yeah.

Life continues...

Monday, March 25, 2013

Psalm 25

"Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress. 
 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all! 
 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins."
-Psalm 25:16-18

So much trouble.
So much pain.
Time rushes and falls.

Yet again here I am.
My life falls like grains of sand
trapped in Your hourglass. 

Remember me now and as the grains fall.
Soon everything will have passed
except for the eternal.

Wash me of my broken sins, the failures I hide from everyone and even attempt to hide from you. Please renew your Spirit within me...give me grace because I cannot handle this on my own.

I'm too tired.
Too broken.
Too confused.
In too much pain.

But I need You.
I love You alone.
You, You are everything.
My everything.
Now and forever.

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Realizing I was having dreams woke me up from sleep.
That is a bit ironic...