Monday, October 29, 2012

Migraine lessened slighty...read...write...read...write!!!

Quote of the Day

"All these evils I have fought, while you have done nothing but observe! True, I am guilty of interference. Just as you are guilty of failing to use your great powers to help those in need!”
— The Doctor

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Oh well.
No luck there.
But my head hurts freaking much!
Hooray!
If I can't go to church then I am going to help someone online dammit.
Nothing is going to stop me from helping SOMEONE today and being some sort of a positive influence or at least someone who will listen. 
Feeling better I think.
I just wish I could go to church.
I've been two weeks in a row...it's like a drug.
Community, fellowship, realizing you aren't just insane...but there are OTHERS who are serious in believing these absurdly impossibly wonderful things about first century Jewish Rabbi Carpenter who claimed to be God.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

SIck and Music for the NIght

Severe stomach pain, nausea, what feels like a fever, violently stomach sickness...yeah I found a bug some how.

So I'm listening to what kept my ahead afloat in China.

Blindside.

The Great Depression.

So much raw emotion and spiritualness.

Next up is "With Shivering Hearts We Wait"

Empath Geyser

After crying a while I feel better.
I think the tension of the past year...and events over several months have just continued to build...and empathy explosion of emotion that I have absorbed and just did not know what to do with.

Something to work on...to find healing with...if this isn't just a curse...

Geekery and Halloween

For two glorious hours I stood in the Doctors shoes at this bizarre crossways of faith and geekery.

Actually being noticed, complimented, encouraged and all of the worldly (or maybe not always) stuff I try so hard not to want because I never know where the line is....all the way I was being the hands and feet of Jesus by trying to help organize some stupid and frivolous way to help raise food for the hungry when I either can't get a real job, a single fucking hour at work or even manage what little money gets put in my hands.


So much irony.
Help others.
Can't even pull my life together.
Feels the harder I push the harder I'm pushed back into the ground with force.
Demons screaming in my face.
Making me feel every nerve cell in my body scream in pain as I just do NOT know what to do.




I wore a mismatched pairing of vest, shirt, trousers, shoes, hat, curly hair and 12 foot long scarf and I realize how much I hate my normal everyday life.

How painful existing can be.
I just want to be special and have meaning.

To wear this scarf and people KNOW who I am, the encouragement and smiles and actual shared laughter instead of just feeling like total and incomprehensible garbage.


Meaningless garbage.

I am so alone.
So scared.
And hurt.
Lonely and need a hug.
But so scared of it all at the same time

The most frustrating thing about being upset is realizing the futility of it.
Raging.
Crying.
Sobbing
Punching this stupid pillow.
Meaningless.
The pain continues.
And hurts so fucking badly.

Cards, costumes, geekery, a chance to be Jesus to people who couldn't care less and yet somehow I was able to make an impact.

And I feel so powerless.

It was a mini-con and I can't even afford the gas money to drive back after having to leave early. It is so frustrating and NOTHING can change reality.

Nothing can change the fact it's over and gone for me and here I am stuck with this present that I never asked for or wanted but here it came as some unexpected delivery and I am supposed to seize it.

How?

How do I open the package and door of positibility when I didn't even want it in the first place?

My life hurts.
My soul aches.
It burns and screams to be finally free of Sin which is rotting me from the inside out.
And one day be free.
Be made whole.
No more of this emptyness.
This neediness.
This collapsing.
This sickness.

But never ending intimacy and joy.
One day.
One day.
I feel so inadequate and stupid about not being able to actually find and get work.
Much less handle money.
It's a wonder I've made it this far by people being willing to drag or support me.
Self sufficiency isn't impossible but feels like some dream.
While I'm caught in this nightmare of false promises.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Annnnnnnd migraine.
Still.
I think this is either day eight or day nine.
Woo!

I could use some Tylenol.
Maybe some Bayer Aspirin   .

Proverbs 25

Dross.
Silver being drawn.
Will comment more on later.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Proverbs 24

"Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die;
    save them as they stagger to their death. 
 Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”
    For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.
He who guards your soul knows you knew.
    He will repay all people as their actions deserve."
-Proverbs 24:11-12


 I want to be more than political and "pro-life" because I feel that is not enough.
Is my theology wrong in that I feel You are calling me to say no to all means of ending life?
More than abortion but war, executions and violence?
Is that why I'm studying about pacifism?

This feels so big.
So scary.
So uncertain.

It doesn't help this migraine will not go away.
I am hurting all over.

My soul feels lonely but then...lately it's like I feel you blessing and washing over me with Your Spirit, touching me and...maybe pulling down these walls?

I do not know.
Is it safe to say that?

I do not want to fight a battle.
I just want to lay in Your arms so I can heal.
But I know a battle is coming.
I feel it is in my soul and in my bones.

The years have been coming to this point, and I will have to make a choice.
It feels that way.
Help me understand.
Give me wisdom to show Your Love to this world.

Migraine.
Still.
Ack.
Don't have time to take off for this...to the chiropractor we go...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Proverbs 23

"Don’t cheat your neighbor by moving the ancient boundary markers;
    don’t take the land of defenseless orphans. For their Redeemer is strong;
    he himself will bring their charges against you.

 Commit yourself to instruction;
    listen carefully to words of knowledge."
-Proverbs 23:10-12

  Why is this screaming out to me about Orthodoxy?
About trying to find that place where You truth intersects with tradition, religion, spiritual things  God you alone know what else.

I feel like the past few years have been this wandering in the Wasteland, somewhere between slavery in Egypt and drunkenness in a false Canaan. 

I want to rest under the shadow of Your Love.
Not feel this need to stay constantly alert and paranoid.
My bottle rattles with coughs and aches 
while finances slip further away.

I was born with nothing
and I shall die with nothing,
except Your Love.

Your choosing to choose me
was something I would never believe
and something I still struggle with grasping.

All the fine lines of poetry I cough out
and etch in rock with these shaking hands
and I wonder what is next.


Where is the boundary?
Where is Truth?
I have to ask WHAT IS TRUTH?
Not this screwed up tradition and bloodshed we call freedom.
But freedom from ourselves.
Freedom to Love.
To Love You.
To Love others.
To finally grasp Love for myself.

I do not want to cut myself off of blessings, of Love, of Truth, of You because of trying to make these silly people happy. I want to recklessly pursue You.

Everything else is fodder for the fire.

Please help me to get my priorities in shape again.
Get my head on my shoulders.
All that nice proverbial stuff that my mom has been trying to get me to do all these years.
(Hi mom!)
But more than that, help me become the man, the teacher, the preacher, the Christian You have called me to be.

All of these threads are loose.
They compose the tapestry of my life.
One day we will look at it together.
You are the only One who can pull it together.
Please pull my pieces, my pain, my love, my tragedy, my wonder and hope all together.
Into this beautiful picture of life that only You could have forseen.
Since before time was a human construct we created to prevent from going insane.

Thank You.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Rejoice. 

Laptop Woes

I'm working on my fifth laptop within 12 days or so.
This one is looking like it will die in any minute.
It's kind of exciting.
Well in the "My life needs more explosions and car chases" exciting way.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Migraine Rhythm Pulsing in My Skull

Several days.
Just this noise.
The blistering heat behind my eyes.
Stench of corpse
and rotting soul.

What am I getting myself into?
Every day
just seems passing
and blowing
in this wind
as I hold on.
Hoping the pain will end.

Yet here we are,
days
weeks
months
years
and forever
just passing by.

Maybe it is just a way of saying goodnight
but here I place my hope
rugged wood
stained with old blood
that digs into my skin
cutting deep.

And here I stay,
here I hope
and maybe
just one day
I can see Your smile.
Just once more.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Poetic Revelation

It's bizzare.
To be in a room full of people...and nothing.

Substance.
Aching.
Want.
Traversing.

Everything feels so fleeting.
Moving, colidiing
and crashing.

Everything leading to this climax
this unknown
and unexpected
which will thrice be revealed.

Friday, October 19, 2012

A Waltz of Joyful Pain

I don't understand.
But I will struggle to surrender this to You.
To not let this be my death bed,
or cry to cry in despair.
Nevermore.

The water washed my heart
and is pulling my spirit
and I just can't resist.

Words again,
fire to my soul.
Burning coal scorching my unclean lips.

This tattered robes stained in blood,
both Yours and mine.
Where do we go from here?
The words fall from my lips
as I try to run
and I just awake again.

This cycle of fighting
the shadows
the demons
the monsters
latching onto my soul
and trying to destroy me.

I need You.
More than Ever.
This broken mess.
Body decaying
and Spirit screaming.

Please do not delay Lover.
Do no tarry,
as the wind catches my hair
and stings my eyes.
I try not to doubt but love,
love until it bleeds and hurts.

I feel the vibrations on the air
the impossible fire
and burning hurricane of Love
that refuses to let me be.
To let me be in my self made prison,
chambers and cells of a Hell
only I could conceive of. 

Lover love me,
rescue me
once again.

Hold me tight
so I feel Your heartbeat.
Hand in hand
as we cross
the ebb and flow
of time and space.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Russia

Nothing personal, no offense is meant but I am confused as to why nearly HALF my traffic is from Russia.
Are you merely spam bots trying to sell Viagra?
Arms dealers?
What?
Seriously?

Thanks for the traffic but it confuses me!

"Two-Headed Monster" - Showbread




I needed to be vindicated for all of my frustrations
but dragging all my grievances was heavy as damnation
I don't need to feel so right, but I badly want to feel alive
I'm done with a contest of wills
and I'm not afraid to die

we will finally start to wonder what it is that we should leave behind
we'll see the signs and realize there's never been a better time to overthrow the principalities
in all our words, in all our deeds
and storm the gates of hell to show them they will not prevail

if all our hopes and all our dreams fall on deaf ears
then let them see
the gates of hell will not prevail
and You've broken the chains on me
Funny how more apropos that stupid whiny poem is today.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Silly Little Rant

Why do I still bother with this social media junk?
Drama.
Drama.
And I don't know half the people, and half the people I shouldn't keep tabs on and stupid girls that bring back memories that should be erased and never recalled again.

Some memories should never have been.
Some hopes should never have  been given.
Some lies should never have been told.

Bitter?
Maybe?
But so are you.
And you.

We all have our secrets.
I just do not name names on here.
Because what is the point?
I could go to Facebook or Twitter.
Yell with my fingers until they bled.

When a person ceases to care,
or merely sees you as an asset
it is time to move on
and choose to live life.

Because Toxicity in relationships is all consuming.
I carry wounds from my childhood,
through my teens
and all the way through my twenties.
Scars.
Pain.
Shadows.
Darkness.

I smile to stop some tears.
And cry at the right time to make people believe it's okay. 
I hear Love.
Believe Love.
Then Love can vanish.
As if it never was.

How?
Can?

Confusion.
And
Hurt.

One day I will get over myself.
And grow up.
I suppose.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I can't believe in human heroes because of how fallen and broken we are.
And because I look in the mirror and see me.
See the face that receives so much unneeded but desired praise.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

When will You return?
End this curse,
free us from our chains
and save us from ourselves?

Sunday, October 7, 2012



"The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have"
-Blindside, "There Must be Something in the Wind"