And so the night goes on...

In ways it feels like I missed my birthday.
Certainly sleeping fifteen hours on that day doesn't help.
I was running a fever yet  again.

I am still occasionally having a fever but thankfully my throat is cleared out and I can more or less breath and talk without excruciating pain.

Instead I'm staring at a white screen and typing in symbols instead of staring at the ceiling.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for the third time today.

That album has really grown on me.

Time is passing by.

I feel such a need to withdraw.

And at the same time this need to engage.

Two warring factions within myself.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 

Not great.
Fantastic.
Or amazing.
But stable.
Don't seem to be getting worse.
Woo.
:)