Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.

Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.

Poetic Revelation

It's bizzare.
To be in a room full of people...and nothing.

Substance.
Aching.
Want.
Traversing.

Everything feels so fleeting.
Moving, colidiing
and crashing.

Everything leading to this climax
this unknown
and unexpected
which will thrice be revealed.

A Waltz of Joyful Pain

I don't understand.
But I will struggle to surrender this to You.
To not let this be my death bed,
or cry to cry in despair.
Nevermore.

The water washed my heart
and is pulling my spirit
and I just can't resist.

Words again,
fire to my soul.
Burning coal scorching my unclean lips.

This tattered robes stained in blood,
both Yours and mine.
Where do we go from here?
The words fall from my lips
as I try to run
and I just awake again.

This cycle of fighting
the shadows
the demons
the monsters
latching onto my soul
and trying to destroy me.

I need You.
More than Ever.
This broken mess.
Body decaying
and Spirit screaming.

Please do not delay Lover.
Do no tarry,
as the wind catches my hair
and stings my eyes.
I try not to doubt but love,
love until it bleeds and hurts.

I feel the vibrations on the air
the impossible fire
and burning hurricane of Love
that refuses to let me be.
To let me be in my self made prison,
chambers and cells of a Hell
only I could conceive of. 

Lover love me,
rescue me
once again.

Hold me tight
so I feel Your heartbeat.
Hand in hand
as we cross
the ebb and flow
of time and space.

Silly Little Rant

Why do I still bother with this social media junk?
Drama.
Drama.
And I don't know half the people, and half the people I shouldn't keep tabs on and stupid girls that bring back memories that should be erased and never recalled again.

Some memories should never have been.
Some hopes should never have  been given.
Some lies should never have been told.

Bitter?
Maybe?
But so are you.
And you.

We all have our secrets.
I just do not name names on here.
Because what is the point?
I could go to Facebook or Twitter.
Yell with my fingers until they bled.

When a person ceases to care,
or merely sees you as an asset
it is time to move on
and choose to live life.

Because Toxicity in relationships is all consuming.
I carry wounds from my childhood,
through my teens
and all the way through my twenties.
Scars.
Pain.
Shadows.
Darkness.

I smile to stop some tears.
And cry at the right time to make people believe it's okay. 
I hear Love.
Believe Love.
Then Love can vanish.
As if it never was.

How?
Can?

Confusion.
And
Hurt.

One day I will get over myself.
And grow up.
I suppose.

Oh for a Song to Sing, A Muse to Cry Unto

Reading words with no context.
With no voice.
Not being able to hear the tones and inflections...
Oh the pain.
Memories that are treasures,
start to weigh down
and feel the weight of glory.
That maybe all will be revealed.

And I can take you by the hand,
see your smile face to face
and we can walk in the Kingdom.
Unburden by chronic death
but flowing with everlasting Life.

Wandering Souls

So cold in here.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.

I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.

Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.

What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?

There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.

Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.

But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.

At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.

Money In, Money Out

Money in, Money out.
Bills come and stay.
Get paid.
Get replaced.
Get paid again.
And are sill replaced.

Cycles and never ending rotations.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

Fading Away

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to remove myself from situations.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain things.

There are those I would give anything to talk to again...but communication seems to be dead.
No returned messages.
Is that the nature of life?

I hope.
I need to hope.

Things keep spinning out of sync.
I'm so sick so often and feel so lost.
I miss You.
And you.
And you beautiful Muse.

Everything is fading
the colors can glow
and even hurt too.

I want to hope.
I need to hope.
Even when I forget...
I just forget.

You Know...

It's amazing how alone, really is alone.
Trying to hope...
So sick with bronchitis, strep throat, diverticulosis, anxiety, depression.

I wonder why.
Why.
Why.
I wonder.

Such vivid loneliness.
Palatable.
Tangible.
Painful.

Aching in my soul,
coursing through my blood
and ripping through my mind.

Caring was the first mistake.
Dreaming was just losing perspective
and pretending,
merely pretending
there was more than it seemed.

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Psalm 50

"The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,
and he has spoken;
he has summoned all humanity
from where the sun rises to where it sets.
From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines in glorious radiance.
Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him."
-Psalm 50:1-3

I didn't realize this section...would be the reading today...and slight freakish how the poem I wrote reflected that.

Who am I?
Seriously.
I have spent so much time being sick, burned out, aching, feeling lost and depressed that it feels like I haven't seen my reflection...but when I look, I have no idea who is in the mirror looking back at me.

I feel such a longing hope.
In the midst of feeling such revulsion at myself.
What is the difference between conviction of the Spirit and self hatred?

Self hatred is an idol.
Proclaiming my knowledge and will equal to Yours.
Where as I want to be obedient...not fall into this mindless slavery of self service.
Crying out words of hope that are not hope.
Just false ideas.

It's all a blended mix.
I'm so reluctant to speak.
But then I do speak.
And feel like such a hypocrite.
I am nothing but broken and in need of You.

Once again, as always, I am in need of Your love.
To be rescued from myself.
From the false ideas and treasures I drown myself in.
Just wanting hope.
But not knowing how to ask for help.
Once I've reached the bottom of my rope.

Jesus Christ, thank You for everything.
Everything.
This pain has a purpose beyond me.
I want to fall in Love again.
Please do not reject me.
Love me for me.

Never leave me here.
Pull me, carry me, drag me and hole my hand.
But Love me for me.
Every day as I struggle as I live, love, hurt and breath.
Carry me, strengthen me and never let me go.
I love You.
So much.
So much.

Tribulation in the Sky

With every reflection of the on the water
of the sky
there are images,
of You and I.

Passing memories,
tribulation
and
exaltation.

Memories of You and I
reflecting on the water,
with images
of a burning sky.

Hope in You
and of being lost in Love,
tears of joy
and smiles of sadness.

I just want to be lost
and found
in these images
of You and I
reflecting
and showing
a brilliant burning sky,
Love becoming One
and Hope being mine.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Abba, Daddy.
Be my shelter, my strong tower, my fortress, my Love, my Lover, my Protector, my Bridegroom, my Kinsmen Redeemer.

My soul is so disarray, fallen apart and needy.
I'm needy.
In need of You.
To throw my arms around You and weep,
to let all the pain out of this soul.
Please carry,
Please protect.
Please Love me.
Despite all of my failing and failures
please Love me.

I want to have no regrets.

"When I leave I want to go out like Elijah.
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire.
When I look back on the stars,
It'll be like a candlelight in central park.
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

Be Still and Wonder

It's always so silly to assume a human being is capable of sharing, understanding, collecting, connecting and being more than mere acquaintances.

Pain defines, aches, listen, leads and betrays.

What is Truth?
What is Truth?

Only You.
This world falls apart.
Whispering lies
and fallacies
leading in circles
as I look up in wonder.

Psalm 45

"Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice."
-Psalm 45:6

Eternity...Grace...Love...none of this makes sense.
But despite my inability to understand...You are Truth.
The only Truth is You.
Everything is fading.
Everything is dying.

Please do not tarry in saving, redeeming and healing me.
I'm so tired, broken and weary.
I pray and wonder.
Holding out for hope.
Will you please not forget me?
Do not leave me to die.
Remember the promises of Your Word
and once again,
save me, love me and care for me.

Abba, Father, Love,
Infinite God
and
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings
all is Yours.

Please come.
Come quickly,
Oh Lord Jesus.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
    I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
    for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1

Oh my King,
My Love,
Deliverer,
Savior,
Wonderful One,

So much life
so much pain
and so much grace.

Thank You for life.
Thank You for this life to call my own.
I miss jobs,
I fail at work,
I end up with so much debt in student loans and rent.


But still,
You are Good.
You are God.
You are Wonderful.


I want to give You my words,
this tired
and achey
and weary words
which may somehow
please
and 
 bless
You alone,
My Love.


Thank You.
I just need Grace.
To fall at Your feet.
Take this empty bottle of grief
that I clutch like a child to,
killing myself
all because of what I want.


Help me to accept
and stand in the downpour
and rain
of Love,
The Love of You.


Thank you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
    Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:2-3


I've read this passage again...and again...and again.
How long?
How long?
I wait in pain.
Anguish.
In need of You.


So much is fleeting,
passing
and gone by.


How long until You return?
Until Healing?
Until things can be made right?

I wait for You,
for You alone
my Love.
Please do not tarry.
 

Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.