Showing posts with label Spiritual Angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Angst. Show all posts

Monday, November 5, 2012

Broken Glass, Wandering Around

I catch myself looking in the mirror.
The tired eyes hiding behind long hair.

Who is there?
Stranger.

Eyes weary beyond their time,
soul leaking fluid
and the pitter patter
of broken relationships.

What is this?
Traitor.

Uncut stubble,
bleeding scrapes on forehead
prizes of a night life
untold quests of thirst.

The ache in my head
is only matched
by the hunger of my spirit.
The thirst in my throat
only matched
by the need of my spirit.

Twilight falling,
darkness is coming soon.
Hope abounding
despite the screaming
and the aching.


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Healing Hope

I did good stuff today so that should be worth something...right?
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

Painful dreaming of Love.
My Lover.
Strength and Grace unfathomable.

Oh Lover,
Love me.
Broken, lost and weary as I am.

Emotionally I'm drained
and spirtually so worn,
like stone after so much water.

But hope.
Hope never ending.
Hope never dying.
Hope that healing exsists
and all will be revealed.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Being Human

Sometimes I loathe being human.
Yes.
This is directed to You.

Why these emotions?
Feelings?
Desires?
Wants?
Needs?
Longings?

Why do I miss something?
Why do I miss someone that will never reply to me again no matter how hard I try to get in touch with her?

I don't know where lines are.
Or maybe I do not care.
This may be Your mercy.
Keeping me from digging holes deeper than I can ever hope to get out of.

But the sheer frustrating.
The ache of my soul.
The absence.
The pain.

It's not just one person.
It's being.
Being.

I know, I feel in my bones there is reason.
That even when the shroud separating this world from the next is torn down, like on that Friday, things will be made whole.
Healing.

But until then.
This mountain.
Then the next.
Until I reach the place You want.
A second coming.
Or my death.
Whichever comes first.

I trust this isn't just some parade of fools.
But I cannot carry this heavy heart alone.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Proverbs 25

Dross.
Silver being drawn.
Will comment more on later.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Proverbs 24

"Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die;
    save them as they stagger to their death. 
 Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”
    For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.
He who guards your soul knows you knew.
    He will repay all people as their actions deserve."
-Proverbs 24:11-12


 I want to be more than political and "pro-life" because I feel that is not enough.
Is my theology wrong in that I feel You are calling me to say no to all means of ending life?
More than abortion but war, executions and violence?
Is that why I'm studying about pacifism?

This feels so big.
So scary.
So uncertain.

It doesn't help this migraine will not go away.
I am hurting all over.

My soul feels lonely but then...lately it's like I feel you blessing and washing over me with Your Spirit, touching me and...maybe pulling down these walls?

I do not know.
Is it safe to say that?

I do not want to fight a battle.
I just want to lay in Your arms so I can heal.
But I know a battle is coming.
I feel it is in my soul and in my bones.

The years have been coming to this point, and I will have to make a choice.
It feels that way.
Help me understand.
Give me wisdom to show Your Love to this world.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Proverbs 23

"Don’t cheat your neighbor by moving the ancient boundary markers;
    don’t take the land of defenseless orphans. For their Redeemer is strong;
    he himself will bring their charges against you.

 Commit yourself to instruction;
    listen carefully to words of knowledge."
-Proverbs 23:10-12

  Why is this screaming out to me about Orthodoxy?
About trying to find that place where You truth intersects with tradition, religion, spiritual things  God you alone know what else.

I feel like the past few years have been this wandering in the Wasteland, somewhere between slavery in Egypt and drunkenness in a false Canaan. 

I want to rest under the shadow of Your Love.
Not feel this need to stay constantly alert and paranoid.
My bottle rattles with coughs and aches 
while finances slip further away.

I was born with nothing
and I shall die with nothing,
except Your Love.

Your choosing to choose me
was something I would never believe
and something I still struggle with grasping.

All the fine lines of poetry I cough out
and etch in rock with these shaking hands
and I wonder what is next.


Where is the boundary?
Where is Truth?
I have to ask WHAT IS TRUTH?
Not this screwed up tradition and bloodshed we call freedom.
But freedom from ourselves.
Freedom to Love.
To Love You.
To Love others.
To finally grasp Love for myself.

I do not want to cut myself off of blessings, of Love, of Truth, of You because of trying to make these silly people happy. I want to recklessly pursue You.

Everything else is fodder for the fire.

Please help me to get my priorities in shape again.
Get my head on my shoulders.
All that nice proverbial stuff that my mom has been trying to get me to do all these years.
(Hi mom!)
But more than that, help me become the man, the teacher, the preacher, the Christian You have called me to be.

All of these threads are loose.
They compose the tapestry of my life.
One day we will look at it together.
You are the only One who can pull it together.
Please pull my pieces, my pain, my love, my tragedy, my wonder and hope all together.
Into this beautiful picture of life that only You could have forseen.
Since before time was a human construct we created to prevent from going insane.

Thank You.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Rejoice. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Migraine Rhythm Pulsing in My Skull

Several days.
Just this noise.
The blistering heat behind my eyes.
Stench of corpse
and rotting soul.

What am I getting myself into?
Every day
just seems passing
and blowing
in this wind
as I hold on.
Hoping the pain will end.

Yet here we are,
days
weeks
months
years
and forever
just passing by.

Maybe it is just a way of saying goodnight
but here I place my hope
rugged wood
stained with old blood
that digs into my skin
cutting deep.

And here I stay,
here I hope
and maybe
just one day
I can see Your smile.
Just once more.

Friday, October 19, 2012

A Waltz of Joyful Pain

I don't understand.
But I will struggle to surrender this to You.
To not let this be my death bed,
or cry to cry in despair.
Nevermore.

The water washed my heart
and is pulling my spirit
and I just can't resist.

Words again,
fire to my soul.
Burning coal scorching my unclean lips.

This tattered robes stained in blood,
both Yours and mine.
Where do we go from here?
The words fall from my lips
as I try to run
and I just awake again.

This cycle of fighting
the shadows
the demons
the monsters
latching onto my soul
and trying to destroy me.

I need You.
More than Ever.
This broken mess.
Body decaying
and Spirit screaming.

Please do not delay Lover.
Do no tarry,
as the wind catches my hair
and stings my eyes.
I try not to doubt but love,
love until it bleeds and hurts.

I feel the vibrations on the air
the impossible fire
and burning hurricane of Love
that refuses to let me be.
To let me be in my self made prison,
chambers and cells of a Hell
only I could conceive of. 

Lover love me,
rescue me
once again.

Hold me tight
so I feel Your heartbeat.
Hand in hand
as we cross
the ebb and flow
of time and space.


Friday, September 14, 2012

Wandering Souls

So cold in here.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.

I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.

Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.

What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?

There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.

Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.

But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.

At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

Monday, June 25, 2012

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Psalms 81

"Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
I answered out of the thundercloud
and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah."
-Psalms 81:6-7


"
Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that is passes through
He unreleased His power at an unknown hour that no one knew
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice ?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness ?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride ?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns ?

Surrender your crown on this blood-stained ground, take off your mask
He sees your deeds, He knows your needs even before you ask
How long can you falsely and deny what is real ?
How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal ?
Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned
He's got plans of his own to set up His throne
When He return."
-Bob Dylan, "When He Returns"

All this pain and hope,
wrapped up and trapped in my bones.
The tears I cry from this soul
wishing to depart.

Your grace falls like rain
on this arid land.

Falling,
twisting,
turning
and lying.

Aching to kill my pain
and fall in Your arms.

Where am I going,
when I run
frighted
out of sync
with life
and reality.

How long,
how often
how long,
must I carry these lies
clutched to my side?


Everything before me feels so barren and so empty.
I keep trying to fill life with my lies.
To gorge on something to blank out the pain.
But everything fades, all the pain stops
and the dissonance becomes clear
when You draw near.

When I finally stop screaming hate at myself
it is You
only You
that makes sense.

All the pain, broken loyalties and confusion
become washed
and cleaned
by Your life and light.

Somehow and someway
You make sense of this pain.

Thank You.
Thank You so much for this love.
All the care, carrying and painful
and beautiful Love.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Psalms 63

"O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy."
-Psalms 63:1-5

I'm so distant from where I feel I should be.
So much debt.
So many bills.
So many problems.
Pain and sickness.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Is this the life I'm supposed to be living?
Obsessed and talking in circles.
Me.
Me.
Me.

Can I hear you over the sound of my own voice?
I need Your breath, Your voice and Your presence.
I need You.
I am nothing.
This fading candle that is lost in the rain and wind.
Please don't let me extinguish in this night.

I want to lock up, get lost in myself.
Find a place to lay down and die.
And hide.
Hide from You and life.
But I want to break free.
And make You proud.

"Love, rescue me."

Friday, June 1, 2012

"Man's ego is inflated, his laws are outdated, they don't apply no more
You can't rely no more to be standing around waiting
In the home of the brave, Jefferson turning over in his grave
Fools glorifying themselves, trying to manipulate Satan
And there's slow, slow train coming up around the bend.

Big-time negotiators, false healers and woman haters
Masters of the bluff and masters of the proposition
But the enemy I see wears a cloak of decency
All non-believers and men stealers talking in the name of religion
And there's slow, there's slow train coming up around the bend.

People starving and thirsting, grain elevators are bursting
Oh, you know it costs more to store the food than it do to give it
They say loose your inhibitions, follow your own ambitions
They talk about a life of brotherly love, show me someone who knows how to live it
There's slow, slow train coming up around the bend."

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Words

Blocked.
Blocking.
Blocked.

What is it?
The words keep getting lower, more quite and harder to grasp.
My output has been dropping.

Was this all because I was parading for attention and parroting words?

Words.
So many things keep coming back to that.

Small words.
Big words.
Scary words.
Terrible words.
Needy words.
Painful words.

The things I see.
Feel.
Taste.
Hope.

The emotions I feel.
Crying.
Laughing.

Living.
Hoping.
Dying.

I cannot begin express how frustrated I am.
Anger.
Rage.
Bitterness.

I am trying.
I really am trying my best.
But it feels pointless.

The world isn't out to get me but why try so hard?
Why continue building when things keep falling?

I wear a mask so I can breath.
No one wants to see under it.
The play is the thing.
And all this Religious Talk
has become an exhibit.

Something that makes me nauseated.
I feel so lost.
So stretched thin and confused.
Wishing...just hoping and wishing.

All is fading.
Falling.
Hurting.
Swinging and spinning out of synch.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Psalm 50

"The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,
and he has spoken;
he has summoned all humanity
from where the sun rises to where it sets.
From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines in glorious radiance.
Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him."
-Psalm 50:1-3

I didn't realize this section...would be the reading today...and slight freakish how the poem I wrote reflected that.

Who am I?
Seriously.
I have spent so much time being sick, burned out, aching, feeling lost and depressed that it feels like I haven't seen my reflection...but when I look, I have no idea who is in the mirror looking back at me.

I feel such a longing hope.
In the midst of feeling such revulsion at myself.
What is the difference between conviction of the Spirit and self hatred?

Self hatred is an idol.
Proclaiming my knowledge and will equal to Yours.
Where as I want to be obedient...not fall into this mindless slavery of self service.
Crying out words of hope that are not hope.
Just false ideas.

It's all a blended mix.
I'm so reluctant to speak.
But then I do speak.
And feel like such a hypocrite.
I am nothing but broken and in need of You.

Once again, as always, I am in need of Your love.
To be rescued from myself.
From the false ideas and treasures I drown myself in.
Just wanting hope.
But not knowing how to ask for help.
Once I've reached the bottom of my rope.

Jesus Christ, thank You for everything.
Everything.
This pain has a purpose beyond me.
I want to fall in Love again.
Please do not reject me.
Love me for me.

Never leave me here.
Pull me, carry me, drag me and hole my hand.
But Love me for me.
Every day as I struggle as I live, love, hurt and breath.
Carry me, strengthen me and never let me go.
I love You.
So much.
So much.

Tribulation in the Sky

With every reflection of the on the water
of the sky
there are images,
of You and I.

Passing memories,
tribulation
and
exaltation.

Memories of You and I
reflecting on the water,
with images
of a burning sky.

Hope in You
and of being lost in Love,
tears of joy
and smiles of sadness.

I just want to be lost
and found
in these images
of You and I
reflecting
and showing
a brilliant burning sky,
Love becoming One
and Hope being mine.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.