Showing posts with label Ramble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramble. Show all posts

Monday, October 1, 2012

New(er) Things Afoot

I'm getting serious about trying to put together an online hub for my writing and projects.
This insane collections of ramblings will remain.
And I'm planning on trying to post all links here for those who actually follow this mess of memories, vague thoughts and impossible things.

I guess I'm growing.
Or maybe the growth happened when I wasn't looking.
Regardless the pain.
Oh, the pain.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Finding Grace, Again and Again

This night, like most nights that end up with me unable to think and write, was strange. Because of growing up around people unable to control their drinking, I typically will do anything but be around those drinking, but tonight I spent time with those who drank.

I was not made to question people's salvation.
To ponder if God would have chosen them and ergo spared just the right enough blood to cover them.

I can't reconcile predestination, election, freewill and how we have to choose God as much as He chooses us. I refuse to try and solve a paradox of God's love because there is too much else that needs to be doing.

I can sit in a room and play theology all day long...or take the Love, the Love that bleed and died for me - Chief of Sinners, and convey such grace with these unworthy lips.

It is like I can hear my purpose again.
So faint.
So far away.
On a distant shore.
The waves are calling for me.
It is not my time but soon.
This diseased and dying shell will exhaust itself.
I will fall into the arms of Christ to never hurt again.
But until then I must love.
Love with the passion of a Savior who first love me.

Such impossible,
such madness
the love of Christ
conveying,
carrying
and being all that I could ever dream.
Needing, longing for You.
Messiah, Lover, Father and Friend,
such impossible titles
for such improbable Love.

I was called to teach, to love and to do something new.
Somehow I keep losing myself in this pain and fear.
What should I do, Abba?
How can I go forward?
For so long I tried and beat my head against so many walls.
Those walls kept collapsing.

China, all the Bible studies, the bands, failed relationships, nervous breakdowns, surgery after surgery, embarrassing health problems and this growing social anxiety fear.

The last thing I want to do is anything but anything.
What can I do?
Please, please, please open the doors.
Your Word says the Spirit prays when we do not know how.
I do not know how.

Fear, depression, self hate, wanting this all to end and all of these dark thoughts have been so constant and I hear nothing but the screaming winds of this madness. Monsters and demons in the dark striking out at me and finding every weakness to exploit.

And I hear I am.
Naked before You.
All I am is layed before.
I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it.
From the beginning You knew me.
My weakness, my shame, my fear...
Yet, You love me.
Chased after me for Your good pleasure.

Mad.
Insane.
I want to scream and cry from the pain ripping through my body right now but my soul, You speak words of Love to my soul.

Please stop this mad pain.
Please let me have rest.
Please, Abba, Father.
I am so afraid.
So very afraid and weak.

Carry me.
Hold me as I sleep.
Speak to me and may I share Love only as You may will.



"My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul"