On Birthdays

So I survived another year.

Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven?

What an odd number.

That's seven numbers higher than I can safely count on my digits.

What am I supposed to use?

Dice?

An abacus?

Twenty-seven years.

That's a lot of days.

A huge number of hours.

A stupid amount of minutes.

I'm not even sure if the number of seconds can actually be that long but geez.

I'm still here.

Struggles with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health...and I am still here.

Battered, graying hair, confused about where the bruise on my shin came from and wondering how life came to be so beautiful while I was busy being so worried, so lost in deep thought.

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be now it would have not have involved the word "Saraland" or the fact this place has become an unexpected second home involving a host of strange characters of whom I am not entirely sure of which are real and which are merely figments of my far too over active imagination.

Of course I tease.

I am fully aware of who is and who is not a highly interactive hallucination; it's just infinitely more fun to put on a show for the crowd.

And so time passes on just as it has for as long as it has and will continue to do so until matter itself finds a good stopping point.

Beauty, horror, love, hate, rain, sunshine, perfection, sin, creativity, dullness and the record player will keep playing music for as long as God finds a need to keep this utterly bizarre human condition going.

All I can do is observe from my front row seats as time flows by second by second and I wonder at what will happen next.

Life is a bit like the weather in Alabama; if you don't like it wait about five minutes and it will change. Conversely, you can always cross the road to get out of the rain; unless of course you are like me and feel alive when the rain is falling from the heavens, droplets pressing against your skin and  setting your soul on fire with the whispers of God's promises of Love and Grace.

"You Will Die in a Prison" - Showbread

"sometimes i feel broken
and there are things that i never say to anyone
like sometimes i don't feel rescued
and sometimes i don't believe you love me at all

when i allow myself the fantasy that i might have made you proud
i feel ashamed

i honestly believe with all of my soul that you love the whole world
just maybe not me

it's not that i feel overlooked or that you've done me wrong
maybe at the end of the day, i just don't love myself

when i try to impress you i hate myself
and i could run better if i could stay on track
and every time i turn around, every time you welcome me back
it's hard to love someone so big and be someone so small
and i'm afraid that you're the one who thinks that i don't love you at all
but i do

you rend the veil that hides your face
you speak light into the dark
you've beaten back the hoards of death
you tear their crowns apart
no more aching and crying
you lift the burden of my shame
no more breaking and dying
you remember my name

(i can see it coming:)
the ill and the affirmed leave their sickness behind
all disease is crushed in defeat
the shadows shrinking back, disappear in the light
the paralyzed rise to their feet

the broken and oppressed overflow with joy
the abused become royalty
darkness and despair are banished for good
and death can find no loyalty

the tormented see peace in the fading night
and all the brokenhearted feel their hearts begin to mend
the lowercase gods are all crushed by the King
the hungry and the destitute will never go without again

war and poverty are vanquished
no pain, no suffering, no dismay
evil, death and all their friends are forever washed away

our faith in you will cry out for the day
our hope in you will not be misplaced
for now we see through a fogged piece of glass
but soon we will see face to face

you rend the veil that hides your face
you speak light into the dark
you've beaten down the hoards of death
you've torn their crowns apart
come Lord, come! let the last be first
wipe every tear from the face of the earth
put all wrongs to right
make everything new
the cancer of death is defeated by You"

Healing Hope

I did good stuff today so that should be worth something...right?
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

Painful dreaming of Love.
My Lover.
Strength and Grace unfathomable.

Oh Lover,
Love me.
Broken, lost and weary as I am.

Emotionally I'm drained
and spirtually so worn,
like stone after so much water.

But hope.
Hope never ending.
Hope never dying.
Hope that healing exsists
and all will be revealed.

Psalms 134

"Praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord
who minister by night in the house of the Lord."
-Psalm 134:1

Yahweh, Abba, Daddy, Father, Lover...oh I need You.
This night is so dark, the pain is so vivid and driving me crazy.
Please help me.
Please.

Light my way.
Help me to see.
Not to be obsessed with myself or others but to show love, grace and compassion no matter my walk in life, no matter where I go or what I see and do.
Please help me to learn to be responsible.
Thank You Daddy.
I need You.

Broken Beauty

Pain.
Lot's of pain.
Multi day migraine and fibro flare up.
Pain.
Confusion.

Beauty remains even when we forget about it.
Grace prevails.
Grace carries.
Heal.
Redeems.
Life to these dead and dying bones.
Beauty beyond comprehension.

Abba, Adonai, Avinu.
Lover.
Life giving beauty.
Grace beyond Grace.
Day after day.
Thank You.

Finding Grace, Again and Again

This night, like most nights that end up with me unable to think and write, was strange. Because of growing up around people unable to control their drinking, I typically will do anything but be around those drinking, but tonight I spent time with those who drank.

I was not made to question people's salvation.
To ponder if God would have chosen them and ergo spared just the right enough blood to cover them.

I can't reconcile predestination, election, freewill and how we have to choose God as much as He chooses us. I refuse to try and solve a paradox of God's love because there is too much else that needs to be doing.

I can sit in a room and play theology all day long...or take the Love, the Love that bleed and died for me - Chief of Sinners, and convey such grace with these unworthy lips.

It is like I can hear my purpose again.
So faint.
So far away.
On a distant shore.
The waves are calling for me.
It is not my time but soon.
This diseased and dying shell will exhaust itself.
I will fall into the arms of Christ to never hurt again.
But until then I must love.
Love with the passion of a Savior who first love me.

Such impossible,
such madness
the love of Christ
conveying,
carrying
and being all that I could ever dream.
Needing, longing for You.
Messiah, Lover, Father and Friend,
such impossible titles
for such improbable Love.

I was called to teach, to love and to do something new.
Somehow I keep losing myself in this pain and fear.
What should I do, Abba?
How can I go forward?
For so long I tried and beat my head against so many walls.
Those walls kept collapsing.

China, all the Bible studies, the bands, failed relationships, nervous breakdowns, surgery after surgery, embarrassing health problems and this growing social anxiety fear.

The last thing I want to do is anything but anything.
What can I do?
Please, please, please open the doors.
Your Word says the Spirit prays when we do not know how.
I do not know how.

Fear, depression, self hate, wanting this all to end and all of these dark thoughts have been so constant and I hear nothing but the screaming winds of this madness. Monsters and demons in the dark striking out at me and finding every weakness to exploit.

And I hear I am.
Naked before You.
All I am is layed before.
I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it.
From the beginning You knew me.
My weakness, my shame, my fear...
Yet, You love me.
Chased after me for Your good pleasure.

Mad.
Insane.
I want to scream and cry from the pain ripping through my body right now but my soul, You speak words of Love to my soul.

Please stop this mad pain.
Please let me have rest.
Please, Abba, Father.
I am so afraid.
So very afraid and weak.

Carry me.
Hold me as I sleep.
Speak to me and may I share Love only as You may will.



"My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul"