Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Interesting Article:

http://joshdies.com/2013/02/08/the-jesus-follower-vs-the-arts/

" Maybe if Christians continue to flee in the face of art and culture they will continue to run the risk of creating tired, dishonest and irrelevant art and culture of their own. This is a risk our King calls us away from as he engages the criminals, the crooks, the hookers and the sinners like you and me. For those called to be creative, as their heavenly Father is creative, there is no private Christian culture, no umbrella for believers to hide beneath. The gospel is a powerful and dangerous thing, a lamp that cannot be covered by a shade."

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
    I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
    for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1

Oh my King,
My Love,
Deliverer,
Savior,
Wonderful One,

So much life
so much pain
and so much grace.

Thank You for life.
Thank You for this life to call my own.
I miss jobs,
I fail at work,
I end up with so much debt in student loans and rent.


But still,
You are Good.
You are God.
You are Wonderful.


I want to give You my words,
this tired
and achey
and weary words
which may somehow
please
and 
 bless
You alone,
My Love.


Thank You.
I just need Grace.
To fall at Your feet.
Take this empty bottle of grief
that I clutch like a child to,
killing myself
all because of what I want.


Help me to accept
and stand in the downpour
and rain
of Love,
The Love of You.


Thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"When people impute special vices to the Christian Church, they seem entirely to forget that the world (which is the only other thing there is) has these vices much more. The Church has been cruel; but the world has been much more cruel. The Church has plotted; but the world has plotted much more. The Church has been superstitious; but it has never been so superstitious as the world is when left to itself."
-G.K. Chesterton