Monday, January 10, 2011

I sometimes wonder if I am too general...too vague...
If it is something I consciously do.
In the pain, in the Hells that people craft on this world...there are so many varied and vapid ideas passing through...

Here I am right now.
All this love, doubt, fear, hope...
The hope of giving and loving, not self righteous sacrifice.

This isn't about me.
I do not want it to be about me
I've seen that road and where it goes...

But Father, even when you knew how dirty and worthless I can be, you still loved, still died, still became everything I never knew I would need so desperately.
I sometimes wonder why I am such a weird mix of extroverted and introverted.

It seems like I flip on a dime and will go from wanting so badly to let someone know how much they mean to me...to being absolutely terrified and having this social anxiety with being around anyone at all...

I have the small circle of friends...those I trust, the ones who are basically my siblings in a way...that sounds so cliche.

I just...wonder if You were lonely.
While you walked the roads of the countryside, if you felt this longing for having someone perfectly understand you...that you opened your heart, mind, soul to and could share...and how that meshed with your friends.

I guess I am left to wonder at the impossibility of the Incarnation when I've only had an hour nap and am sitting next to a cat who keep meowing at me.

I watched almost all the first series of "The Young Ones" and what a confused yet funny mess it was.

Anymore random tidbits?
How about...I wish we could see each other right now.
Go for a walk if it was warmer, then sit down and eat a mealt together...just enjoy a day as a day.

That would be a small piece of heaven now.
However...all is fleeting and soon...too soon...