"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3


Refuge and strength.
Security and strength.
Support and safety.
These things...and more.
I need them.
I miss them.
I do not know if I ever had them.

It's like I am living life in this fog.
And confusion.
The road to healing is a long and painful one.
But far from impossible.

I feel more hope now than I have in a long time.
Despite the pain, the exhaustion and the want to hide.
In spite of circumstances and pain I have and will hope.

Every time I have tried quitting I have had Jesus drag me back.
Again.
And again.
So I will continue to hope.
I am loved.
And wanted by my Beloved.

There are so many good things, wonderful and beautiful things.
With my body and mind starting to heal I think I will be able to see them.
This is just going to be a lifetime process.
Adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.
My Beloved is mine and I am His.
He has sought me through the darkness and Hell.
The imposed isolation and fear.
And carried me, carried me so far.
Hallelujah.

Psalm 44

" Rise up! Help us!
Ransom us because of your unfailing love."
- Psalm 44:26

Things feel so dry.
It doesn't help I'm hurting to the point where focusing feels almost impossible.
I want to hide.
Find a place to let the rocks fall on me.
So I will never have to deal with this life again.

But that is the old me.
The person I never want to be again.
The weakness, the fear, the inability to act and the desire to never confront or deal with things.

But there is hope.
Even in pain.
And darkness.
Hope eternal.

The Beginning of the End

I want to quit.
Exhausted.
Sick.
Hurt.
Pain.
Tired.

Too much hinges on succeeding.
Free will exists.
I can quit.
But I refuse.

All this pain.
All this sorrow.
It has a reason.
I may have to help define it but it will not have been in vain.

I may hurt.
I may not understand.
But I will not be stopped.

This battle is not finished.
I will not leave it incomplete.
This will not end here.
Every ending is a new beginning.

This pain will be.
And it will not overcome.

Silly, oh so silly.

Hatred isn't nice.
But so isn't imposing yourself either.

Feel free to replace hate with seething rage because of having to deal with an entire house of drunk people and just wanting to cry from hurting so much and...therapy hurts so much despite the healing.

Psalm 41

"“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:4

This Psalm is so violent and I am trying to stop thinking and feeling so...violent.
How much is permissible?
What is right?
How can justice be enforced without strength?
Is it ever right?

I'm so worn out.
No thoughts make sense.
I hope but not sure how.
Or what to hope for.

But hope I shall.

I hate people.
Too much stress.
Too much irresponsible stupidity I am not in control of and have no desire to be.
I want to keep people safe.
Reduced to just the bare minimum.
The rest of you jerks can fend for yourselves.
Pull your broken drunk bodies out of the car wrecks and pick the glass out of you.

I'm not a savior.
I'm no hero.

"Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete"

Psalm 39

"We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

Nothing is ever what it seems it will be.
Things rise and fall.
Spinning, falling hurting and breaking apart.
Crashing against this cold world
and pain is the reward for trying.



"The more the world puts in my mouth
The more I feel like throwing up
Found the way to freedom and I'm opening the door
The more they tell me how to care
The more and more I'm giving up
Afraid of God and life and death, I'm not afraid anymore

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you

There's a fire on the flag that makes you who you are
And I think my mask is starting to slip
And now that everything's breaking down
I think I'm getting a grip

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you"



Choosing to love.
Choosing to believe.
All in the light of how short life is, how little time we have, how much pain it will cause...requires a level of insanity.
To think love can be found, had and kept in this swirling chaos of broken hatred is pure madness...but a madness I choose to accept.

My mind, soul and ingrained habits tell me trying is futile.
To believe and hope is failure.
To try and pointless.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tried of trying to handle all of this alone.
In some stupid misguided attempt at whatever.


"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

Psalm 38

"I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind."
-Psalm 38:6-10

Contrary to the writer, I do not believe my frail and at times failing health is because of some specific sin, something akin to David's mistakes.

Sure I have original sin to thank for degeneration, aging, disease and clothing...but somethings simply have no single word or simplistic answers.

Yes...the depression, anxiety and PTSd are all related to various things...so many variables out of my hands...but so what?

I am an adult.
I have to take and be responsible even for things I never asked for in the first place.
All emotional, spiritual, mental angst and abuse may have not been intentional from some people...but the consequences and furthmore the pain is ALL REAL.

Not just delusions in my head.

Even the Fibromyalgia, the back/neck pain, migraines, muscle pain, insomnia and all the other physical manifestations are all valid and real as well.

I refuse to think I deserve this.
I refuse to think You Lord, do not love me.
I refuse to be a victim to the past, present or future.
Where I have made mistakes I will claim responsibility and deal with my crap.

"We are the few that won't say nothing right
We are the footsteps fading into the night
Nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and I say:
I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
But they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it
And I know I've done something wrong
All I know now is I got to do something... right"

I'm here.
I am alive.
I have survived.
I will continue to.
I will choose to love and be loved.
I need Your grace.
To push me, pull me, carry me, run with me and Love me.
I am weak, You are strong.
You are so beautiful and wonderful.

Thank You.
Thank you.

Perfection.

Heh.

What a psychotic and insane lie we tell ourselves.

Here goes something.

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7

Who else can save me from myself?
My heart is broken.
Who can know the inner workings of something so broken,
so prone to evil
and quick to hastily act and lead to destruction?

My soul aches for You.
I worry.
I fear.
I hurt.
How can I heal?
I want to let go of this millstone on my neck
and take up Your yoke.
Carry the burden of Your love and grace.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Your grace is beyond words.
And my soul finds rest in You.
I want to lean against You
and just fall in Your love,
float in the Grace that saved me,
that pulled my head from ignorance
and helped me gained this perspective.

I want to move forward.
To breath.
To live.
And live in You.

Psalm 37

Psalm 36

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."
-Psalm 36:5

That love is my hope.
That is all.
That is only.

Nothing else, there is no Plan B.
There is nothing but hope.
So much pent up fear, doubt and shame...

And yet, so much hope.
So much fearful and needed hope.
To love at all...is risk pain.
To open up to the Infinite Gulf of God, so scary.
So painful.
So unexpected.

Words feel so inefficient and cheap.
But hope remains.
Even with my broken shell.

"Every time I know myself, I leave what I know behind"

Sheer paranoia and stupidity...making...head...hurt... #_#

I was trying to figure out why I was yelling at the computer.

I was becoming slightly worried about myself.

Then, I realized the computer has Windows Vista installed.

Everything makes sense.

And now everything is better.

Psalm 35

"Then I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be glad because he rescues me.
With every bone in my body I will praise him:
“Lord, who can compare with you?
Who else rescues the helpless from the strong?
Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?”"
-Psalm 35:9-10

With every bone in this broken body I ache.
With every breath my soul sighs.
So much trouble.
So many doubts.
So many years of my soul being in anguish.

Would you please draw near?
I am weak.
Too tired to crawl.
Please rescue me, yet again.
I have fallen, too weak to mend my injuries.
And here I lay,
hear me please,
do not abandon me to my just fate.

Are any good?
Are any righteous?

But it is by Your blood,
Your grace,
Your eternal love
that sinners are saved
and such a silly phrase
that "saints" came into being.

This road is long and painful,
I am afraid
but I will try.
Please do not abandon me,
do not leave me here.
My fear is great,
the fear of never knowing Your presence
and Your love wrap around me.

Rescue me, hold me up
and give me the strength
to face myself
and be willing to heal.
Please.

Psalm 34

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need."
-Psalm 34:8-9

It's so hard to focus...to find a quiet place...to come here at all.
Why do I keep this stupid blog?
Why do I write personal spiritual junk for the world to see?
What was I thinking back in 2007?
Public accountability was a good idea?

I doubt.
I ache.
I feel.
I fear.
I want.
I need.

God is "I am", He IS.
I am here.
He is.
There is such a divide.
Even with Christ bridging the gap and carrying me.
I falter.
I fall.
I hurt.
I cry.
I need.
I ache so, so bad.

I feel harassed, pushed about and overcome by these waves.
This little ship is so close to capsizing and then what?
Am I to be lost to the waves?
I feel like Job so much but now it is Jonah.
I know this storm is for me.
I just do not know if I am going to drown.
Or if you will rescue me.
Jesus was three days in Hell just as Jonah suffered three days in the stomach of the fish.

Where am I to go?


"Darkness can't perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
and though its wings may cloud the skies,
the dark shall never overcome.
Light of the World,
Your love, has never failed.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
Daylight.
Save Me."


I need Your refuge.
I need Your grace.
Despite what seems my ability to screw up it all.
Everything I am, everything I will be, everything I can be is rooted in You alone.
You and I.
I and You.
This Love.
Burning Hope.
Peace beyond understanding.
Eternal Love with no bounds.

Father & Son

Somethings will never be.
The finality of life
crashing into death
and the painful beauty
of having to move.

There will never be
nor could there
exsist a picture perfect moment
to speak and say:
"I love you"
"Goodbye"

The time we have is the time we have,
beauty and pain,
wonder and hope
tragedy and life.

Sometimes there is a last hug.
Mostly the shades and whispers of night
as they pull
and grasp with slender tendrils
pulling time into the endless empty void.

Nothing is forever
but nothing was created to be.

Instead is hope and fear.
Hope for love.
Fear of love.
Hope of failure,
fear of success.
Such twisted views.

Love wins.
Endures the night.
Pierces the stone heart
and burns through the void.
Taking this pain
and telling you the words
I can never speak,
saying
"I love you."
thought I never really knew you.

Such impossible ways, means and hopes.
That this is not the end.
Fading flesh and broken hearts.
Idiosyncratic words refusing to rhyme,
hurting as they pass from lips to air
but hoping they can pull
and drain
years of frozen bile,
help pull out the pain
so I can begin to breath,
to laugh
to cry
and maybe just smile.

"Et il est un jour arrivé
Marteler le ciel
Et marteler la mer

Et la mer avait embrassé moi
Et la délivré moi de ma caille

Rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant"

Nanowrimo Mentor Newbling List:

1.Sketchasketch
2.Mitsozuka
3.Spike4886
4.ulianne
5.jmkwriter
6.Mimedestroyer

Nothing screams love, peace and unity like Rage Against the Machine.
When/where and HOW did I ever get any of their music?
o_O

"Escape from pain"

Has such a wonderful sound to it...and a dream at least...not a real or practical one...but one can hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Henceforth I will write in such wise as to IRRITATE people into facing the issues. I can compel no man to agree with my opinions, but at least I can compel him to have an opinion."
-Soren Kierkegaard

And...here...we...go!