Distance...so close and yet,
further and further it seems.
Dreams sliding in and out of reality
as causality takes the blame.
Unexpected visions of what to come
or mere lies in the mists of time?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Amazing how I can do everything except for that which I truly want to do.
Life isn't a black and white...right or wrong sort of thing...but trying to understand my own thoughts, emotions, wants, needs...everything, any of it...is just so confusing...and painful.
Why do I always want to run away?
Hide away and not look back?
Lock myself away inside my own mind...and letting everything else slip?
Being human...is far too complicated.
Life isn't a black and white...right or wrong sort of thing...but trying to understand my own thoughts, emotions, wants, needs...everything, any of it...is just so confusing...and painful.
Why do I always want to run away?
Hide away and not look back?
Lock myself away inside my own mind...and letting everything else slip?
Being human...is far too complicated.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Organic Vehemence
So many thoughts.
So very many thoughts.
So few times I thought I understood love.
Just pale pinings out for a muse for my musings.
Out of place.
Out of time.
Out of sync with realities reality.
I see you across this vast ocean of stars,
diamonds twinkle in your eyes
and I just hold my breath for the untold,
cajoled and begging for an answer.
Perfection was never your case
and here I stand
divided by the ocean of time,
ebbs and eddies beckon out,
"Come forth, come forth and dance!
Dance this eternal waltz
and see where time may go!"
Seeing my every sin
like the posters on your wall
is making me hurt.
Turning my stomach
and bringing up the bile
just seeing your smeared make up
and the vile you spew.
Who said love can't hurt?
Who said to love is to lose is to lose?
If everything falls into place,
will you love me until the end
and until the end of this ocean?
So very many thoughts.
So few times I thought I understood love.
Just pale pinings out for a muse for my musings.
Out of place.
Out of time.
Out of sync with realities reality.
I see you across this vast ocean of stars,
diamonds twinkle in your eyes
and I just hold my breath for the untold,
cajoled and begging for an answer.
Perfection was never your case
and here I stand
divided by the ocean of time,
ebbs and eddies beckon out,
"Come forth, come forth and dance!
Dance this eternal waltz
and see where time may go!"
Seeing my every sin
like the posters on your wall
is making me hurt.
Turning my stomach
and bringing up the bile
just seeing your smeared make up
and the vile you spew.
Who said love can't hurt?
Who said to love is to lose is to lose?
If everything falls into place,
will you love me until the end
and until the end of this ocean?
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I want to write about the futility of love and emotions.
How it is all utterly pointless.
We are all going to die.
Every stupid human being is going to die.
Being married, having a family, taking care of others and being in school will have next to no meaning.
Death is an impossible wiping clean of the slate.
If there is "luck" to be found in faith, things will not be the same.
But still, everything as it is will be gone.
Dead.
Erased.
Burned.
Made new.
I don't enjoy the pain of my body.
Nor the fear and guilt in my mind.
Something new.
Something old.
And this world is broken and used.
I want to believe, hope in love...but my faith is so weak.
My emotions so scattered on the winds.
The easiest choice in the world would be self destruction.
Not temperance or choosing to not numb the pain.
Maybe it's righteousness.
Or maybe pure stupidity.
I miss...
It doesn't matter who I miss.
It all ends the same.
But...the hope is that the end isn't an end.
New beginnings, God I so desperately cling to that hope.
Nothing else makes any sense.
Has, can or will make sense.
How it is all utterly pointless.
We are all going to die.
Every stupid human being is going to die.
Being married, having a family, taking care of others and being in school will have next to no meaning.
Death is an impossible wiping clean of the slate.
If there is "luck" to be found in faith, things will not be the same.
But still, everything as it is will be gone.
Dead.
Erased.
Burned.
Made new.
I don't enjoy the pain of my body.
Nor the fear and guilt in my mind.
Something new.
Something old.
And this world is broken and used.
I want to believe, hope in love...but my faith is so weak.
My emotions so scattered on the winds.
The easiest choice in the world would be self destruction.
Not temperance or choosing to not numb the pain.
Maybe it's righteousness.
Or maybe pure stupidity.
I miss...
It doesn't matter who I miss.
It all ends the same.
But...the hope is that the end isn't an end.
New beginnings, God I so desperately cling to that hope.
Nothing else makes any sense.
Has, can or will make sense.
Redacted Processes
I've got nothing at this late hour.
Just empty bottles and exhaustion...
I have reasons to smile,
a couple to cry
and every reason to live
and just a few to die.
What more can I write?
What else should I say?
The words were never mine,
the path was sometimes a choice
but everything
is heading to a climax,
something unseen.
I won't be sitting with the haughty,
laughing at the end.
I might just be in the background,
pushing on
and hoping to bring some help,
a touch of healing to this diseased world.
Words.
Words.
Words.
Proper use and abuse.
Too much and too little,
with everything You have ever seen and lived.
Dreams and poetry,
hope with broken wings,
flying over jagged glass
that has overflowed into waves.
Breathing can be difficult
from such dizzily heights
and hope for nothing and everything.
Just empty bottles and exhaustion...
I have reasons to smile,
a couple to cry
and every reason to live
and just a few to die.
What more can I write?
What else should I say?
The words were never mine,
the path was sometimes a choice
but everything
is heading to a climax,
something unseen.
I won't be sitting with the haughty,
laughing at the end.
I might just be in the background,
pushing on
and hoping to bring some help,
a touch of healing to this diseased world.
Words.
Words.
Words.
Proper use and abuse.
Too much and too little,
with everything You have ever seen and lived.
Dreams and poetry,
hope with broken wings,
flying over jagged glass
that has overflowed into waves.
Breathing can be difficult
from such dizzily heights
and hope for nothing and everything.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Isaiah 13
"Scream in terror, for the day of the Lord has arrived—
the time for the Almighty to destroy.
Every arm is paralyzed with fear.
Every heart melts,
and people are terrified.
Pangs of anguish grip them,
like those of a woman in labor.
They look helplessly at one another,
their faces aflame with fear."
-Isaiah 13:6-8
Yeah.
It's passages like these that make me feel awkward about Christian Pacifism.
Not to say it makes me feel it's okay for Christians to act on anger and violence but this passage illustrates that as much as I like to think of God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and grace...that there comes a limit to where God will no longer hold back.
I can't help but feel eternal judgements are not something that catches the person off guard...if there is not that willingness to reject Christ, the Gospel and God's love...then where is the justice?
Ultimately God is just and I am not.
He is Holy and I am not.
He is Truth and I am playing at being a scholar of something I scarcely can grasp.
War, disasters, pain, famine, disease, genocide, hatred, destruction all happen...will happen, have happened and will continue to happen...and I don't think it's too far off base to say that is not how God works...this Age...to show judgement, at least until The End.
This is a fallen world...my heart is overflowing with sin, lust, hate, guilt, remorse and God only knows what else.
God doesn't delight in this death and destruction.
Jesus weeps for His lost children.
But He will not be mocked and let evil go unpunished.
It's not about a list of right/wrong and getting enough salvation points...it's about us being hopelessly trapped in this circle of hate/abuse and it taking Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving up His life as a sacrifice for us.
Not just death...blood for more blood...but a final act to bring redemption and salvation to this broken world.
Broad strokes to help start the fixing, the healing...that in the next Age will be complete.
the time for the Almighty to destroy.
Every arm is paralyzed with fear.
Every heart melts,
and people are terrified.
Pangs of anguish grip them,
like those of a woman in labor.
They look helplessly at one another,
their faces aflame with fear."
-Isaiah 13:6-8
Yeah.
It's passages like these that make me feel awkward about Christian Pacifism.
Not to say it makes me feel it's okay for Christians to act on anger and violence but this passage illustrates that as much as I like to think of God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and grace...that there comes a limit to where God will no longer hold back.
I can't help but feel eternal judgements are not something that catches the person off guard...if there is not that willingness to reject Christ, the Gospel and God's love...then where is the justice?
Ultimately God is just and I am not.
He is Holy and I am not.
He is Truth and I am playing at being a scholar of something I scarcely can grasp.
War, disasters, pain, famine, disease, genocide, hatred, destruction all happen...will happen, have happened and will continue to happen...and I don't think it's too far off base to say that is not how God works...this Age...to show judgement, at least until The End.
This is a fallen world...my heart is overflowing with sin, lust, hate, guilt, remorse and God only knows what else.
God doesn't delight in this death and destruction.
Jesus weeps for His lost children.
But He will not be mocked and let evil go unpunished.
It's not about a list of right/wrong and getting enough salvation points...it's about us being hopelessly trapped in this circle of hate/abuse and it taking Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving up His life as a sacrifice for us.
Not just death...blood for more blood...but a final act to bring redemption and salvation to this broken world.
Broad strokes to help start the fixing, the healing...that in the next Age will be complete.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Can I blame others for their happiness?
No.
Can I blame them for their miseries?
No.
All I can do is look, see, touch and experience what little my filters will allow me.
Too much thought for too little sleep and too much demented.
Hours of reading, thinking, processing and just wishing things could be easier for others...and wishing I could send emails with regret or confusion.
I want to be understood but sometimes not at all.
Jesus is the only One who knows all of me.
And I suppose that is the best.
Trust is a fickle thing.
The jagged pain of sharing and being honest jut out.
If only it was as simple as playing pretend.
No.
Can I blame them for their miseries?
No.
All I can do is look, see, touch and experience what little my filters will allow me.
Too much thought for too little sleep and too much demented.
Hours of reading, thinking, processing and just wishing things could be easier for others...and wishing I could send emails with regret or confusion.
I want to be understood but sometimes not at all.
Jesus is the only One who knows all of me.
And I suppose that is the best.
Trust is a fickle thing.
The jagged pain of sharing and being honest jut out.
If only it was as simple as playing pretend.
Contextualized Fallacy
I suppose in a way it does but does not matter.
Too much time for thoughts...
Kind of annoying how pain/illness does that.
Prevents sleep of a tired mind, adding to the irrationality of it all.
It's so painful to talk...
Open.
Close.
This heart is broken.
I cannot be sure the fight is worth it.
The sacrifice and pain will justify the end.
It's the means that bothers me.
Simple and broken.
Maybe one day the pain can end.
Healing can begin.
Wishful thinking.
Prayers lost and never found.
Hope.
But I have looked into the darkness.
Seen the terrors that live there.
I cannot boast for I saw only pale reflection,
the fate of one without love.
Hope remains.
The slow heartbeat of confusion.
Trying to force life where there is none.
Simply said, I do not belong.
This should never have been
and yet it was.
It is.
It shall be.
Too much time for thoughts...
Kind of annoying how pain/illness does that.
Prevents sleep of a tired mind, adding to the irrationality of it all.
It's so painful to talk...
Open.
Close.
This heart is broken.
I cannot be sure the fight is worth it.
The sacrifice and pain will justify the end.
It's the means that bothers me.
Simple and broken.
Maybe one day the pain can end.
Healing can begin.
Wishful thinking.
Prayers lost and never found.
Hope.
But I have looked into the darkness.
Seen the terrors that live there.
I cannot boast for I saw only pale reflection,
the fate of one without love.
Hope remains.
The slow heartbeat of confusion.
Trying to force life where there is none.
Simply said, I do not belong.
This should never have been
and yet it was.
It is.
It shall be.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sometimes...I think I excel at missing the point, screwing simple things up...and not realizing it until I have managed to make it decisively worse.
Or maybe not.
I'm not really sure.
So tired, so sleepy...and being medicated isn't helping.
I really hope I can get a living situation sans a roommate...or at least to where I have access to a room by myself 24 hours a day or least 6-8 hours a day.
I miss complete privacy...and it's impossible for me to start to fully recharge when I don't have silence, darkness and am able to actually rest.,,
Or maybe not.
I'm not really sure.
So tired, so sleepy...and being medicated isn't helping.
I really hope I can get a living situation sans a roommate...or at least to where I have access to a room by myself 24 hours a day or least 6-8 hours a day.
I miss complete privacy...and it's impossible for me to start to fully recharge when I don't have silence, darkness and am able to actually rest.,,
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Isaiah 12
"In that day you will sing:
“I will praise you, O Lord!
You were angry with me, but not any more.
Now you comfort me.
See, God has come to save me.
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
The Lord God is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory.”"
-Isaiah 12:1-2
I don't think I can grasp how horrible, how terrible sin is.
The rage, the destruction and the darkness caused by it.
I see myself.
But rarely do I stop to see You.
Could you be my strength?
Could you be the song on my life?
If there is victory to be had, may it be Yours and Yours alone?
If I have to walk this path with no outside human help...please hold my hand. Stay near and keep close because...this pain...this doubt...all of it is so real and I do not know what to do...
“I will praise you, O Lord!
You were angry with me, but not any more.
Now you comfort me.
See, God has come to save me.
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
The Lord God is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory.”"
-Isaiah 12:1-2
I don't think I can grasp how horrible, how terrible sin is.
The rage, the destruction and the darkness caused by it.
I see myself.
But rarely do I stop to see You.
Could you be my strength?
Could you be the song on my life?
If there is victory to be had, may it be Yours and Yours alone?
If I have to walk this path with no outside human help...please hold my hand. Stay near and keep close because...this pain...this doubt...all of it is so real and I do not know what to do...
Quote of the Day:
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. ... Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Isaiah 11
"Nothing will hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain,
for as the waters fill the sea,
so the earth will be filled with people who know the Lord.
In that day the heir to David’s throne
will be a banner of salvation to all the world.
The nations will rally to him,
and the land where he lives will be a glorious place."
-Isaiah 11:9-10
Can this be real?
Or is it just a dream?
A glimpse of eternity,
across this distant sea.
Father, please cover me.
Hold me close, like any father would.
Be my strength, for I have none.
My body, mind and soul fail me...
I am weak and needy.
Hold me as any father would
and heal me with Your Love.
Help me to see the Hell I create in my daily life.
Help me to care, help me develop compassion and love for all...not just the ones for whom it is convenient.
I have so many thoughts.
So many fears.
So many doubts.
Could You please...please...help me.
I do not want to wait here when there is so much across the Jordan river...
I'm alive for a purpose.
No?
Then I want to live.
I am in pain.
I fear I always will be...
But Your grace is sufficient.
Carry me for I am too weak to stand.
"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
for as the waters fill the sea,
so the earth will be filled with people who know the Lord.
In that day the heir to David’s throne
will be a banner of salvation to all the world.
The nations will rally to him,
and the land where he lives will be a glorious place."
-Isaiah 11:9-10
Can this be real?
Or is it just a dream?
A glimpse of eternity,
across this distant sea.
Father, please cover me.
Hold me close, like any father would.
Be my strength, for I have none.
My body, mind and soul fail me...
I am weak and needy.
Hold me as any father would
and heal me with Your Love.
Help me to see the Hell I create in my daily life.
Help me to care, help me develop compassion and love for all...not just the ones for whom it is convenient.
I have so many thoughts.
So many fears.
So many doubts.
Could You please...please...help me.
I do not want to wait here when there is so much across the Jordan river...
I'm alive for a purpose.
No?
Then I want to live.
I am in pain.
I fear I always will be...
But Your grace is sufficient.
Carry me for I am too weak to stand.
"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
Monday, May 2, 2011
Reflect
Emotions.
Too strong.
Thoughts.
Too vague.
Reminders of life, lost and won.
Love, broken and scattered.
The sun rising and falling.
New to life, to this realm and living.
Maybe, just maybe.
Too strong.
Thoughts.
Too vague.
Reminders of life, lost and won.
Love, broken and scattered.
The sun rising and falling.
New to life, to this realm and living.
Maybe, just maybe.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Isaiah 10
"What sorrow awaits the unjust judges
and those who issue unfair laws.
They deprive the poor of justice
and deny the rights of the needy among my people.
They prey on widows
and take advantage of orphans."
-Isaiah 10:1-2
You can turn the unjust just.
You alone can turn this world upside down.
Father, turn me upside down.
Help me to see the unjust places in my life, grieve my soul and help me change.
Give me sight to see the things I can do in this world...and help me to not stop until I see You face to face.
and those who issue unfair laws.
They deprive the poor of justice
and deny the rights of the needy among my people.
They prey on widows
and take advantage of orphans."
-Isaiah 10:1-2
You can turn the unjust just.
You alone can turn this world upside down.
Father, turn me upside down.
Help me to see the unjust places in my life, grieve my soul and help me change.
Give me sight to see the things I can do in this world...and help me to not stop until I see You face to face.
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