"Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew,
has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball

And everyone will say it's just an accident,
like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose,
and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down,
for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.
Unblemished, and faultless.
A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision.
Cannonball."

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”
-Anne Lamott

Attempts at perfection seems to so often turn into a pointless battle of egotism and self-righteousness that ends with me saying "screw it" and slamming my head on my desk.

I am going to stop this, if nothing more than to just save on having to buy so much Excedrin.

The "short cape" that I spent at least 30+ hours trying to recall the name of is a "mantle".

Bah.

Peace and Love, Hope and Dreams

How has this world been held together when there is so much mistrust, so much pain, so much hate and such endless self destruction?

Somehow, someway, some means that I truly do not understand...I am trusted.

The personal and broken lives of friends...and they trust me to hear, to listen, to see their wounds...a broken and tired child who doesn't know his left hand from his right...and yet, with just a prayer and hope...sometimes things can be okay.

Is this what you meant to be community?
Just this...simple hope that by being honest...by trying to do the right thing...somehow, someway...things can somehow work out?


I know it's stupid but sometimes I think I must have done something horrible, something terribly sinful to "deserve" all the pain and doubt I have. Not being able to sleep because of the levels of pain and then to hurt so much that I can't write, much less pray like I used to...but...isn't this love?

Love requires honesty.
Love requires disarming.
Love requires pain.

For love to grow, muscles have to be stretched, pulled, broken, stitched back together...and repeated, again and again...again and again.

God it hurts.
But if this is life, if this is what it means to live in live...and "fellowship" I suppose I can say it might just be worth losing my life over.

I still have so many doubts about being called and where I am being called or even if I can do anything right...but even with all my doubts...You believe in me.

Which is painful but I can't help but believe.
It goes beyond what I can choose to do and you love me.
Love me.
Love. Me.

After all the unintentional pain I have caused...been apart of...thank you for holding me, keeping me close and not letting me fade into the dark.

Ha.

I should not find that endlessly hilarious.

But I do.

I have to keep laughing.

Wow...just...wow.

The nerve and arrogance of some people.

Seriously.

Who died and made you God's Dean of Admissions?

Why must life continually be so...so...complicated?

Quote of the Day:

"Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken."
-Rich Mullins

I really wish people would not always tell me everything.
Confession booth Matthew doesn't like being a confession booth.
I try to not be a jerk and be judgmental...but rules are there for a reason.

Oie.

SO many things...worries...things to pray for...to hope for...

Maybe I'll be free soon.
Released from the pain and confusion.

Quote of the Day:

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."
-Shane Claiborne

So tired.
Confused.
Achey.

Thoughts aren't so clear right now.
Too tired to deal with..."things".

Oief.
Bad food...mixing with spiritual angst...bad...bad...combination...

#_#

Why was I so stupid and gullible to trust her in the first place?
I don't need a reminder of a few days, a few weeks, a few months...what I was thinking and doing an exact year ago...

Chasing after fantasies and mist...running after a rainbow that was never there...not even finding gold...but just realizing how naive, how trusting and how STUPID I am.

That sort of brings all those thoughts nicely together.
I let myself get used by emotional and mental leeches.
When I should just carry around a box of matches and when one of them touches me I could set fire to them.

Possibly, the hint may be taken.
Although I doubt the intelligence runs that high.

You know...if I write a "what if" story about what never happened and well, let's face it, what will NEVER happen...it would at least get some of these thoughts out and I'll have written a piece in a genre I've never tried before.

"Annoying, stupid, whining, crying and etc. useless crap that should be burned instead of read."

Or you know...that is just the placeholder until I find a more acronym friendly title.

God, I need to write.
I need to get these thoughts out.
Writing feels like one the last avenues I have.
I can do that decently and sometimes do something good.
Maybe even something that is right.

"Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry."


" Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

Alter of the Soul

Well...I think I manged to slam that door on my own face.
Do I at least get some sort of bonus points for trying to be a team player and sacrificing stupid thoughts that never should have been there in the first place?

All these circles.
Endless cycles.
Life is brief.
Painful and beautiful at times.

Sometimes I wonder if the answer it to become more stoic, more denial...or just give up and start wandering around.

I wonder how/if any good I am able to be with and to others...

The hour is late and too many thoughts...too many what if's...too may regrets about wasted time...and the need to go beyond mere feelings of sentiment...to casting everything in with Jesus and just letting go of everything.



If I put my health, my loneliness, my desire for a mate, my fears, my failings, all of my relationships...all of these broken and painful things...if I set them on this alter like you want me to...will you be here to step into the void I will have?

If I finally begin to trust, ask me to do all in Scripture...will that mean I might feel your peace...your strength, your grace and glory?

So often I am not sure I can see myself...but I know You are here...please, please, please do not leave my side.

Bargh.

How...can I be useful or helpful?

I just feel so useless...I know prayer is not useless...but I wish I could do more...more than give well wishes and prayers...but do the impossible and physically change things...for the better.

Quote of the Day:

"So it seems God is OKAY with killing, but gets ticked if openly gay people are allowed to participate. Hard to imagine a more bizarre deity."
-Greg Boyd

Broken Traffic Lights

Why do I care so much about little things that have no real value or meaning beside the petty and minute label I bestow upon them?

Why do I invest emotion and time into things that I know will wither, decay and be blown into the wind?

Why do I exhaust what little energy I have after being sick over something so temporal and fleeting?

Hope.
Faith.
Love.

Hope that despite the inward decay and pain, I will one day stand on distant shores.
Faith that the Love which has captivated me will follow through on every promise.
Love that is so weak and broken, but still I try to share.

The pain will never be avoidable as long as I am here.
I will stand.
It might seem absurd but even in my decay and pain, I refuse to quit.

Show me the frailty of my soul and the broken nature of my soul and I will smile.
The person who has lost everything is finally freed and capable of doing everything and anything.



I want to pretend I can be the apathetic bastard who shifts through life with no problem, using and discarding people left and right.

That isn't something I will choose.
The decay in my bones and taint in my blood will not make me betray that which I follow, the chivalry that demands I act.

Yes.
It's an inward struggle and battle.
But so is every important battle.


This heart is so weak, so small and dying.
But so capable of hope.

I will not quit.
But possibly I will fade.
Withdraw to heal.
Let the wounds be wrapped and soaked in hope.

So much time, all of it passing.
It will all be over soon.
Then I can go home.
No more pain, all the tears wiped away and love eternal.

Quote of the Day:

"Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable!"
" Never cared much for the word 'impregnable.' Sounds a bit too much like 'unsinkable.'"
"What's wrong with unsinkable?"
"'Nothing,' as the iceberg said to the Titanic!"
" What?"
"Glub glub glub...."
-Exchange between The Brigadier and The Doctor

I really need to read more.
Read the Bible and make notes.

I hate when I get out of that habit.
Psalms and Proverbs again...

Or.

Something...

Loser Penultimate Statement of my Life:

Sometimes I wish I could be The Doctor.
Just to be able to save the day.
And be her hero.

"No one knows your heart
And no one knows your fears
When no one solves the mysteries
Or even wipes away the tears

Can you hear the sound of laughter
From the other side of life?
There are days when I feel like a stranger sometimes
Tell me, are there any other fools like me?

This reliance on another world
Has a great effect on this world
This conscience of another world
Has a great effect on
Grace recollection

He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
He only loves us 'cause of who he is

We all were children once
So will we return
So let those days return
Let us all return..."

Western Winds

Your cross and grace are more than I can bear...
This pain is too real and my soul cries for peace
in the middle of this struggle.

I know You,
I have known Your voice since I was a child,
a child so lost and confused
who didn't know which way to look.

You took my hand
and carried me,
brought me to this alien land
with such profane tongues.

When did I walk away?
When did I realize enough was never enough?

My soul is Yours to take
and my life is Yours to make,
in this storm
that is causing me to break.

"Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling your heartache
Your creation through your eyes
There is pain it's no mistake

Closer I get to you I see
Souls full of hurt, full of need
The closer I get I see less of me

And I feel like I could break
And, I feel like I could break
Lord, I know now it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by your heartache
And I feel like I could break
Now, it's more than I can take

'cause all of those times I ran away
From all of those things I used to say
And all of those pains I feel
Revealed to me"

Nightly Regression

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream.
I know I should hope and expect so much...
...but it hard to trust when the pain is vivid.

My faith is so shallow, so weak, so often...
How do you love me for me?
When it seems like all I can feel
and that all I ever do
is fall in this cycle,
this vicious pain
of a broken heart
and shattered dreams,
such silly poetry not even worth a second glimpse.

Do you see me when we both dream,
or is this yet another false tale
where distance is measured in heart beats
and I know there is no room for me?

Fun with Fibromyalgia

You know, that actually would be a good name for a British romantic comedy.

Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation that I have no real means of escaping I try to either shut down into silent mode or try to ease the tension with terrible jokes and/or stories.

I suppose one of the good things about going to a Christian university that I can bring the conversation right around to Jesus or something...but that is a bit cliche. Something I have struggled with finding some sort of understanding or meaning in all the pain in this world.

My senior research paper was on trying to deal with the idea of how a good God can exist when if you take off the blinders we wear and just look and see how fragile, how horrifying and how real the pain in this world is.

The more I reread the words of Jesus there is this intense longing and desire to follow...to just break my addiction to material things and actually bother to put my faith into the sort of dangerous practice that for all rights and "practical" purposes it seems inane.

Quote of the Day:

To endure the cross is not tragedy; it is the suffering which is the fruit of an exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy

A friend is someone who will be there...no matter the time, the day, the situation...good times, bad times or when there has been miscommunication or a fight.

At least that is what I tell myself and possibly why I am seem to be so damn masochistic.

Why must thoughts and emotions be so confusing?
I understand now how drama works and why people pay money to see it...

...but that doesn't make it anymore enjoyable to live.

Bleh.

I just...

I want this seed of hope within my soul to grow.
To blossom and help me become so much more.

Wow that may have been the cheesiest thing I have ever written... o_O

Meh.
As Freddie Mercury once sang, "Who waits forever anyway?"

Sometimes it's nice to smile.
It's three AM and I am exhausted, but no matter what happens...no matter how bad I feel or how lame I seem when I inevitably compare myself to everyone else...I am my own unique brand of lame geekiness.

And that is okay.
That is wonderful.
I am my own and loved and wanted for who I am.
I don't have to meet someone's standards.
Those worth loving find me lovable because I was first loved by Him.

It's awesome.
In it's own weird ways.

I wish I could do a better job of going out of my way to show love to those who went out of their way to hurt me...but just...

Ack.
Irritation.

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

I would go on an angry tirade about how disgusted and tired I am of dealing with duplicitous hypocrites...but I am looking in the mirror right now.

I am what I hate.
Until I learn to love and accept myself, I cannot love God or other people.

Why is it so hard to let go of this millstone?
All of this shocking and frigid cold pain?

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

"It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled
And the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."

Heh.
A month since that church blow up.
Irony much?

Oie.

Quote of the Day:

"Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world."
-Ammon Hennacy

The thing is...I want to make you smile.
That is all.
I know it's silly to care so much about people's happiness...but I guess that is who I am.

A silly, silly person...with good intentions that rarely pan out the way they were intended.

But that is okay.
Failure isn't really enough to stop me.
I have to keep trying.
Even when the thoughts don't necessarily make sense.

Somehow, someway, grace has met me halfway.
At least if I try...I can try.
Just a smile.
And a try.
And a care.

Love, Love, Love

So strong, so painful
and everything I seek,
I run to and fro
aching and wanting,
just begging
being a beggar
needing Your love.

I hold out my hand
as the closed fist
to hurt
as much as I need,
taking everything I want
just because I can
and leaving,
leaving it all to chance.

Everything spinning,
everything breaking down
with all the pain
and all of the taste.

What can I say?
What can I do?
I'm just a beggar on the outside
needing love
and needing You.

Quote of the Day:

“If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.”
-Rich Mullins

"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care.

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

I really need to work on not letting small things get under my skin.
Already, I can think of a couple of things that will bother and upset me about this semester...but how are they my problem?

I can wash my face, take a deep breath and sip some tea...and be happy to feel alive.

I hope I can sleep a couple of more hours and go to church with my mom.

That would be nice.
No drama.
No stupid worry about things that do not matter.
Just enjoying my last day before driving back to school.

Even when bad things happen...I don't have to let that ruin everything.
Hmm...that is a skill I need to master...

Pizza.
Soda.
Tea.
Medication.
Deep thinking.
No sleep.

Yeah.
This can't end well.

Cynicism mixed with some fatalism.

Strange.
Strange.

The small things I care about for some...reason.

Weird.

Why does such meaningless, small, worthless things irk me so greatly?

"The farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on"

Such darkness.

"Put back the stars
I'm out of shape tonight
Pinhole black velvet
Navigation-skills got lost with the fading light
It was there not more then a second ago
Now what do you know, what i do know
Is just not good enough to make things right
Put back the stars
I'm out of place tonight

Ain't it something to know your lost

I hoist my sail
Through there is no wind in sight
And i close my eyes to feel the fresh breeze
Paint the inside of my eyelids bright
Fill the sky with your breath
Cause you know I'm out of mine
Let the sky burn and i will inhale
Without a fight
I hoist my sail
And I'll just wait for you tonight

Ain't it something to know you have lost

Black tar surrounds me now
But life is the next door neighbor
On the outside there is just absence
But when i close my eyes
All i see is Your face"

I know it is lame to be so excited over a smile...but I'll take any victories I can get in these days of frustrating silliness.

Meh.
Meh.
Meh.

And a side helping of bleh.

I really need to just follow my instinct and not waste time like that.

Plus side...returning to school soon.
Very soon.
Thank God.
The predictable chaos is preferred to the unpredictable chaos.

Avant-garde morality.
Yes I just invented the phrase a few minutes ago.
Would someone be a dear and copyright that for me?
I'll be happy to share the proceeds.

I sometimes wonder if I am too general...too vague...
If it is something I consciously do.
In the pain, in the Hells that people craft on this world...there are so many varied and vapid ideas passing through...

Here I am right now.
All this love, doubt, fear, hope...
The hope of giving and loving, not self righteous sacrifice.

This isn't about me.
I do not want it to be about me
I've seen that road and where it goes...

But Father, even when you knew how dirty and worthless I can be, you still loved, still died, still became everything I never knew I would need so desperately.

I sometimes wonder why I am such a weird mix of extroverted and introverted.

It seems like I flip on a dime and will go from wanting so badly to let someone know how much they mean to me...to being absolutely terrified and having this social anxiety with being around anyone at all...

I have the small circle of friends...those I trust, the ones who are basically my siblings in a way...that sounds so cliche.

I just...wonder if You were lonely.
While you walked the roads of the countryside, if you felt this longing for having someone perfectly understand you...that you opened your heart, mind, soul to and could share...and how that meshed with your friends.

I guess I am left to wonder at the impossibility of the Incarnation when I've only had an hour nap and am sitting next to a cat who keep meowing at me.

I watched almost all the first series of "The Young Ones" and what a confused yet funny mess it was.

Anymore random tidbits?
How about...I wish we could see each other right now.
Go for a walk if it was warmer, then sit down and eat a mealt together...just enjoy a day as a day.

That would be a small piece of heaven now.
However...all is fleeting and soon...too soon...

So an ice storm.

Yaaaaay...not so much.

At least maybe I can finish this episode of Escaflowne before I loose power...

"All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only one that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."

The more things change...the more they stay the same...

Those pictures are beautiful and painful reminders of...

Reminders you can never go back.
What once was, was that and will never be that same way again.
Trying to hold onto the past is impossible and dangerous.
Learning to look forward is possible.
Possible and necessary, without it growth never happens.

Unless we grow, we stagnate, decay and fall apart.
We're meant to be so much more than just mere individuals.
The story is beautiful, wonderful and still yet to be told.

The Kierkegaard reference in "Wayne's World" was almost enough to make me like the movie.

Almost.

Okay wow.
Just two hours?
But I covered so many hours, so many days...waking up I thought it has been two days of sleep...not two hours.

Stupid shaking hands and mind.

Geez.

Wow.

At least none of the bad nightmare stuff was true...that's a plus.

Bah, anticipations.

Inner Reaches of the Heart

The wind is howling.
Uncertainty seems to almost float on the breeze,
passing overhead
and here I lie.

Something?
Everything?
Perhaps, nothing at all?

Hope is alive.
Burning quietly
in the deeper reaches
of the dark cavern.
Waiting and anticipating
until the hour to rise
is at hand.

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

What more do I have?
It is my faith,
the love I feel
and the expectations.

Everything and nothing
while still being in the same breath.

Everything is on display,
like a twisted freak show.
See the gore,
Feel the horror
and watch to see the pain.

So silly how we thrive off of pain
and negligence.

But hope is alive.
Hope is moving
and reaching deeper within
to places
that have yet to be seen.

"It's getting late
And so he forgot, he forgot
Maybe not
Maybe he's been seriously hurt
Would that be worse?"

Rain, Snow, Emotional Outpourings

I am tired.
I really should lay down and sleep.
Not write.
The last thing I should do right now is write.

I am tired, sleepy and achey...so that will lead to me complaining. Asking if God can truly be love when there is so much pain, when I am unable to put my words into action, when I feel emotions that might as well not exist at all because they cannot and never will be reciprocated.

I went to another funeral Saturday.
My mom and one friend are the only ones I could even tell about it.
It was awkward to even talk to them about it because of how much pain I felt over a relationship that really was not very developed...so little time together and most of it was when I was merely only three years or younger...but there has to be memories of my dad just dragged up from the recesses of this mind.

I know, I have to believe we were not created, set on this planet to merely suffer and be in pain...but sometimes I just do not know...the pain is so great, the confusion so grand.

I know there is a point to life, there is love, there is goodness, there is an over abundance of good and wonderful things...but I feel the pain of those I'm around. It's like I just have my soul ripped open and feel all of these overwhelming things...and then it forces me to relive horrible, horrible memories, pain I wish I could just forget.

I'm not brave.
I'm not a hero.
I never could be.
I am selfish and want to find relief from the pain.
I don't want to suffer, suffer for the "good".
I want to find a place to hide.

Somewhere I can be like Gregor Samsa, hide away so no one sees my repulsive sides, hide away and let the festering wounds maybe begin to heal. Maybe in that time people will realize they don't need me and their lives can be easier.

I don't understand why the emotions have to be so raw, so brutal...it's about as subtle as being hit in the face with an ax.

When I feel joy, it is so overwhelming, when there is peace it s complete, when there are the rare flickers of light in my heart...and I remember that I was created to show love...that is when I exploded into action and there is moving, striving, fighting...even if it is just to show those around me what they mean to me.

Bah.

I am such an exhausted and complicated mess.
I cannot run fast enough or far enough away to get away from those I just...

Why?
Why more pain?
Isn't this enough for a life time?

I just wish I could go to Tabor Park N right now.
Silly as that is.
Or maybe to the Rattle and Hum.
I miss those days so much.

I can write more words.
But what sad, pitiful person...who deserves something as a reward for reading this garbage this far, that person, does not deserve more of this.

Things aren't horrifying.
I am in pain but that is normal.
I feel this weird mix of being isolated but closer to people.
I wish I could answer questions with much more ease.

If someone asks how I am, why can I not lie?
It's what most people want to hear.
But I suppose if people want to know the truth hard enough they could put fort the effort.

Which is one reason I just find it hilarious screwed up how...how...oh Christ, what is the point?

None, Jesus, none.
Just more evidence of a wasted life, wasted hours, wasted minutes, wasted seconds.

I'm too exhausted for anger, for outrage, for emotion...

I wish I could feel this empty void filled...I suppose that is my worst fear...that it'll be here in eternity but it'll only grow...I'll become this negative form that consumes, destroys...and loses what it means to be alive, to serve and love.


And here ago.
More words, more words, more words.
I'll at least do all I can to do the right thing.
Christ will never forsake me, even with all the pain and fear...thankfully that love doesn't depend on my performances...unlike some I could mention...but why do such a stupid and shallow thing?

Sleep.
Rest.
Maybe a restoration of something once lost...