Despite all the negatives, pain, loneliness and distances...it was an unexpectedly mostly pleasant Christmas.

"Thank God it's Christmas" - Queen

"Thank God it's Christmas"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.
This one time of the year.
This one day.
Just a few short hours.
So much hope.
So many things and so many ways life could have been.

And here we are.
And here we are.

There is some sort of awkwardly asinine idiocy of finding ways to justify misery or creating misery in God's name.

I am sick of this hole.
And the pain.
All of the evil that is in and of here.

I could stay here.
Could live here.
Remain in misery and never change.

Or force myself to keep going.
Embrace the pain and not stop.

Morning? Morning.

That was so long ago.
Fading viridian,
and entwining lies with reason.

Another Me that I am not sure of,
never really knowing who it was
or might,
could have been.

Pain, hollow evenings
full of confusion
and poor decisions
spurned by pain.

I'm not sure who I was
or who I might become,
but I'm willing to claim that pain.

For once,
for what seems the first time
in memories stretching back,
there is a time
where I can let go
and be free of myself.

The Darkness,
the crippling hate of myself
and the self sabotage.

"Main Theme: Howl's Moving Castle" - Joe Hisaishi

Well that was a long nap.
And now...missed everyone I was wanting to talk to.
Bahness.

Plus side, Christmas Eve.
Even with how silly, painful, ridiculous and overbearing life is...there is at least some beauty.

"You’ve got a cause now, I heard you braggin’.
Always the fastest one on the bandwagon.
So sit down and I’ll tell you, what I’m feeling,
what I am feeling.
For a lack of better words you are stealing,
you are stealing,
all of my joy away from me.
What ever happened to our unity?

We cut ourselves, our own limbs we've severed.
It's time for us to pull together and stand, as one.
All eyes are turning towards the Son.
Drop your fists now, what you resent.
Let's not forget who we represent.
And fall to our knees in unity.

Another day now, another doctrine,
another monkey wrench in the system.
Some folks kneelin', some just listen,
some fallin' out of the pews from twistin'.
I don't care kinds, how you do it.
United we'll stand and we'll pull through it.
All were dead once.
All enslaved.
Now pull together 'cause we've all been saved.

The only Jesus this world's gonna see,
is the Jesus in you and me.
So pick your cross up, stop your swingin'.
Stop and look at the stink you're bringin'
to this body with your fighting,
you bust more more knuckles that the wrongs your righting.
What's important, is where we relate,
it's the meaning of the word Amalgamate."

"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift,
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way,
When crippling anguish clouds our sight,
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth,
Set their claws to bring the night

Hold on,
Hold tight

Darkness can’t perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
And though its wings may cloud the skies,
The dark shall never overcome

Light of the world,
Your love, has never failed

And these frail hands,
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words,
Can never say what cannot be surpassed

I need your love,
And most of all I want to feel your peace,
I need your love,"

Meh.

Veritas.

Well I'm about out of depressing stuff to very vaguely refer to while appearing to be all depressed and noble.

Looks like I am stuck having to start feeling better and even smile.

What IS the world coming to these days?

Clearing...wanting a clearance.
Just wishing...I could share...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

"Come and find me, my love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

Heh...such pretty lies.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

The whole "FEEL BETTER" or "HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING BETTER?!?" routine, surprisingly, doesn't actually work so well.

Passive aggressive responses to passive aggressive responses just seems silly at this point.

Words?

And to think some losers actually PAY for this sort of motivation.

Phft.

Retrograde.

...hrmm...making up for lost time...

Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Quote of the Day:

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
-Brennan Manning

...it seems every time I stop to look...you aren't there...

"Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?

"Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, only a human mind could create something as insipid as love!

"You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now, you can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why?! Why do you persist?!"

"Because I choose to."

It took till the fourth day.
That has to be an all time personal best for me.

I never quite realized how much of this feels like just one big lie.

Heh.

At least I have the refuge of the comedic.

Laughing while this damn ship is burning down as it sinks.

Meh.

I'm so tired of being sick.
In pain.
So...tired of this isolation.
Lack of in person human interaction.
Genuine, trusting, humane interaction.

"Creep" - Radiohead

Well that was twenty times on repeat.
Time to do something else...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.

Quote of the Day:

"When people impute special vices to the Christian Church, they seem entirely to forget that the world (which is the only other thing there is) has these vices much more. The Church has been cruel; but the world has been much more cruel. The Church has plotted; but the world has plotted much more. The Church has been superstitious; but it has never been so superstitious as the world is when left to itself."
-G.K. Chesterton

Psalm 77

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

"The First Time" - U2

"We're all trapped in a maze of relationships
Life goes on with or without you
I swim in the sea of the unconscious
I search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

Psalm 75

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Quote of the Day:

“When Catholicism goes bad it becomes the religion of amulets and holy places and priest craft; Protestantism, in its corresponding decay, becomes a vague mist of ethical platitudes.”
– C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"There have been men before … who got so interested in proving the existence of God that they came to care nothing for God himself… as if the good Lord had nothing to do but to exist. There have been some who were so preoccupied with spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 72

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Ask a stupid question...

"Highschool of the Dead"

You know, I am not entirely sure what I expected.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.

"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3


Refuge and strength.
Security and strength.
Support and safety.
These things...and more.
I need them.
I miss them.
I do not know if I ever had them.

It's like I am living life in this fog.
And confusion.
The road to healing is a long and painful one.
But far from impossible.

I feel more hope now than I have in a long time.
Despite the pain, the exhaustion and the want to hide.
In spite of circumstances and pain I have and will hope.

Every time I have tried quitting I have had Jesus drag me back.
Again.
And again.
So I will continue to hope.
I am loved.
And wanted by my Beloved.

There are so many good things, wonderful and beautiful things.
With my body and mind starting to heal I think I will be able to see them.
This is just going to be a lifetime process.
Adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.
My Beloved is mine and I am His.
He has sought me through the darkness and Hell.
The imposed isolation and fear.
And carried me, carried me so far.
Hallelujah.

Psalm 44

" Rise up! Help us!
Ransom us because of your unfailing love."
- Psalm 44:26

Things feel so dry.
It doesn't help I'm hurting to the point where focusing feels almost impossible.
I want to hide.
Find a place to let the rocks fall on me.
So I will never have to deal with this life again.

But that is the old me.
The person I never want to be again.
The weakness, the fear, the inability to act and the desire to never confront or deal with things.

But there is hope.
Even in pain.
And darkness.
Hope eternal.

The Beginning of the End

I want to quit.
Exhausted.
Sick.
Hurt.
Pain.
Tired.

Too much hinges on succeeding.
Free will exists.
I can quit.
But I refuse.

All this pain.
All this sorrow.
It has a reason.
I may have to help define it but it will not have been in vain.

I may hurt.
I may not understand.
But I will not be stopped.

This battle is not finished.
I will not leave it incomplete.
This will not end here.
Every ending is a new beginning.

This pain will be.
And it will not overcome.

Silly, oh so silly.

Hatred isn't nice.
But so isn't imposing yourself either.

Feel free to replace hate with seething rage because of having to deal with an entire house of drunk people and just wanting to cry from hurting so much and...therapy hurts so much despite the healing.

Psalm 41

"“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:4

This Psalm is so violent and I am trying to stop thinking and feeling so...violent.
How much is permissible?
What is right?
How can justice be enforced without strength?
Is it ever right?

I'm so worn out.
No thoughts make sense.
I hope but not sure how.
Or what to hope for.

But hope I shall.

I hate people.
Too much stress.
Too much irresponsible stupidity I am not in control of and have no desire to be.
I want to keep people safe.
Reduced to just the bare minimum.
The rest of you jerks can fend for yourselves.
Pull your broken drunk bodies out of the car wrecks and pick the glass out of you.

I'm not a savior.
I'm no hero.

"Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete"

Psalm 39

"We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

Nothing is ever what it seems it will be.
Things rise and fall.
Spinning, falling hurting and breaking apart.
Crashing against this cold world
and pain is the reward for trying.



"The more the world puts in my mouth
The more I feel like throwing up
Found the way to freedom and I'm opening the door
The more they tell me how to care
The more and more I'm giving up
Afraid of God and life and death, I'm not afraid anymore

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you

There's a fire on the flag that makes you who you are
And I think my mask is starting to slip
And now that everything's breaking down
I think I'm getting a grip

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you"



Choosing to love.
Choosing to believe.
All in the light of how short life is, how little time we have, how much pain it will cause...requires a level of insanity.
To think love can be found, had and kept in this swirling chaos of broken hatred is pure madness...but a madness I choose to accept.

My mind, soul and ingrained habits tell me trying is futile.
To believe and hope is failure.
To try and pointless.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tried of trying to handle all of this alone.
In some stupid misguided attempt at whatever.


"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

Psalm 38

"I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind."
-Psalm 38:6-10

Contrary to the writer, I do not believe my frail and at times failing health is because of some specific sin, something akin to David's mistakes.

Sure I have original sin to thank for degeneration, aging, disease and clothing...but somethings simply have no single word or simplistic answers.

Yes...the depression, anxiety and PTSd are all related to various things...so many variables out of my hands...but so what?

I am an adult.
I have to take and be responsible even for things I never asked for in the first place.
All emotional, spiritual, mental angst and abuse may have not been intentional from some people...but the consequences and furthmore the pain is ALL REAL.

Not just delusions in my head.

Even the Fibromyalgia, the back/neck pain, migraines, muscle pain, insomnia and all the other physical manifestations are all valid and real as well.

I refuse to think I deserve this.
I refuse to think You Lord, do not love me.
I refuse to be a victim to the past, present or future.
Where I have made mistakes I will claim responsibility and deal with my crap.

"We are the few that won't say nothing right
We are the footsteps fading into the night
Nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and I say:
I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
But they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it
And I know I've done something wrong
All I know now is I got to do something... right"

I'm here.
I am alive.
I have survived.
I will continue to.
I will choose to love and be loved.
I need Your grace.
To push me, pull me, carry me, run with me and Love me.
I am weak, You are strong.
You are so beautiful and wonderful.

Thank You.
Thank you.

Perfection.

Heh.

What a psychotic and insane lie we tell ourselves.

Here goes something.

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7

Who else can save me from myself?
My heart is broken.
Who can know the inner workings of something so broken,
so prone to evil
and quick to hastily act and lead to destruction?

My soul aches for You.
I worry.
I fear.
I hurt.
How can I heal?
I want to let go of this millstone on my neck
and take up Your yoke.
Carry the burden of Your love and grace.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Your grace is beyond words.
And my soul finds rest in You.
I want to lean against You
and just fall in Your love,
float in the Grace that saved me,
that pulled my head from ignorance
and helped me gained this perspective.

I want to move forward.
To breath.
To live.
And live in You.

Psalm 37

Psalm 36

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."
-Psalm 36:5

That love is my hope.
That is all.
That is only.

Nothing else, there is no Plan B.
There is nothing but hope.
So much pent up fear, doubt and shame...

And yet, so much hope.
So much fearful and needed hope.
To love at all...is risk pain.
To open up to the Infinite Gulf of God, so scary.
So painful.
So unexpected.

Words feel so inefficient and cheap.
But hope remains.
Even with my broken shell.

"Every time I know myself, I leave what I know behind"

Sheer paranoia and stupidity...making...head...hurt... #_#

I was trying to figure out why I was yelling at the computer.

I was becoming slightly worried about myself.

Then, I realized the computer has Windows Vista installed.

Everything makes sense.

And now everything is better.

Psalm 35

"Then I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be glad because he rescues me.
With every bone in my body I will praise him:
“Lord, who can compare with you?
Who else rescues the helpless from the strong?
Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?”"
-Psalm 35:9-10

With every bone in this broken body I ache.
With every breath my soul sighs.
So much trouble.
So many doubts.
So many years of my soul being in anguish.

Would you please draw near?
I am weak.
Too tired to crawl.
Please rescue me, yet again.
I have fallen, too weak to mend my injuries.
And here I lay,
hear me please,
do not abandon me to my just fate.

Are any good?
Are any righteous?

But it is by Your blood,
Your grace,
Your eternal love
that sinners are saved
and such a silly phrase
that "saints" came into being.

This road is long and painful,
I am afraid
but I will try.
Please do not abandon me,
do not leave me here.
My fear is great,
the fear of never knowing Your presence
and Your love wrap around me.

Rescue me, hold me up
and give me the strength
to face myself
and be willing to heal.
Please.

Psalm 34

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need."
-Psalm 34:8-9

It's so hard to focus...to find a quiet place...to come here at all.
Why do I keep this stupid blog?
Why do I write personal spiritual junk for the world to see?
What was I thinking back in 2007?
Public accountability was a good idea?

I doubt.
I ache.
I feel.
I fear.
I want.
I need.

God is "I am", He IS.
I am here.
He is.
There is such a divide.
Even with Christ bridging the gap and carrying me.
I falter.
I fall.
I hurt.
I cry.
I need.
I ache so, so bad.

I feel harassed, pushed about and overcome by these waves.
This little ship is so close to capsizing and then what?
Am I to be lost to the waves?
I feel like Job so much but now it is Jonah.
I know this storm is for me.
I just do not know if I am going to drown.
Or if you will rescue me.
Jesus was three days in Hell just as Jonah suffered three days in the stomach of the fish.

Where am I to go?


"Darkness can't perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
and though its wings may cloud the skies,
the dark shall never overcome.
Light of the World,
Your love, has never failed.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
Daylight.
Save Me."


I need Your refuge.
I need Your grace.
Despite what seems my ability to screw up it all.
Everything I am, everything I will be, everything I can be is rooted in You alone.
You and I.
I and You.
This Love.
Burning Hope.
Peace beyond understanding.
Eternal Love with no bounds.

Father & Son

Somethings will never be.
The finality of life
crashing into death
and the painful beauty
of having to move.

There will never be
nor could there
exsist a picture perfect moment
to speak and say:
"I love you"
"Goodbye"

The time we have is the time we have,
beauty and pain,
wonder and hope
tragedy and life.

Sometimes there is a last hug.
Mostly the shades and whispers of night
as they pull
and grasp with slender tendrils
pulling time into the endless empty void.

Nothing is forever
but nothing was created to be.

Instead is hope and fear.
Hope for love.
Fear of love.
Hope of failure,
fear of success.
Such twisted views.

Love wins.
Endures the night.
Pierces the stone heart
and burns through the void.
Taking this pain
and telling you the words
I can never speak,
saying
"I love you."
thought I never really knew you.

Such impossible ways, means and hopes.
That this is not the end.
Fading flesh and broken hearts.
Idiosyncratic words refusing to rhyme,
hurting as they pass from lips to air
but hoping they can pull
and drain
years of frozen bile,
help pull out the pain
so I can begin to breath,
to laugh
to cry
and maybe just smile.

"Et il est un jour arrivé
Marteler le ciel
Et marteler la mer

Et la mer avait embrassé moi
Et la délivré moi de ma caille

Rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant"

Nanowrimo Mentor Newbling List:

1.Sketchasketch
2.Mitsozuka
3.Spike4886
4.ulianne
5.jmkwriter
6.Mimedestroyer

Nothing screams love, peace and unity like Rage Against the Machine.
When/where and HOW did I ever get any of their music?
o_O

"Escape from pain"

Has such a wonderful sound to it...and a dream at least...not a real or practical one...but one can hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Henceforth I will write in such wise as to IRRITATE people into facing the issues. I can compel no man to agree with my opinions, but at least I can compel him to have an opinion."
-Soren Kierkegaard

And...here...we...go!

"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but i'm not sure i'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

Psalm 30

"I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
“What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
-Psalm 30:8-10

Why add commentary where it might just take away the meaning?
So tired.
So sick.
So weak.
Why do I live?
What purpose is before me in this world?
The dust in my veins is filling my head and I'm tired.
So, so, so tired.

Hope lives.
Pushes it away through this weak heart.
Quick to turn.
Quick to fallacy.

Love.
Why?

This venom is so potent.
So quick.
So deadly.
So much pain.
And for what?

More hypocritical found judgement.
Destroying.
So murky.
So hazy.

"Oh the thought of what sets a person free
before I could ever love you back you gave your love to me
now I see my sentencing reprieved
you offer me your everything even though I am still me"

"Father, hear my voice, be it small
Here I am, though I am nothing at all
Dost thou still see something to love in me?
If it be, You will carry me away
That I might live today"

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

Five years later this song still sums up most of my life and struggles...



"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

So cold.
So tired.
Matters of matter mattering.
Falling in and out.

People bother me.

But really, it IS none of my business.

Or concern.

Or responsibility.

What was that loud crunching sound you just heard?

Oh yes.

'Persona 4' just crushed against my face because of flying through my television set because of the utter lack of a Fourth Wall.

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Psalm 27

"The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close."

-Psalm 27:4-10

Quote of the Day:

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
-CS Lewis

Of course.
More exalted royalty.
That seems to be a theme of my life actually...

Cascades at the Hour

Such painful beauty at such an early day.
Sun rises, sets
and slips in and out of mind.
Fair winds pulling at my hair,
with the words
they just slip
and keep on slipping through my fingers.

Words too good,
too strong
and too beautiful
for such a moment.

Heh...dark humor never gets old...

Thought of the Day:

If you have to go out of the way to request respect, there is a very good chance you are missing the point altogether.

Somethings in life make no sense.

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

To just name a few.

And despite my best efforts to flee...Love comes dragging me back.
Cropping up in some of the most unexpected places.

Impracticable Absurdism

1.Impracticable - The doctrine of "impracticability", in the common law of contracts, excuses performance of a duty, where that duty has become unfeasibly difficult or expensive for the party who was to perform.


2.Absurdism - In philosophy , "The Absurd" refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this context absurd does not mean "logically impossible," but rather "humanly impossible." The universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously.

"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.

Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.

It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned... (the broken are crowned).

If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."

Note to self: While having the moral high ground is good...in actuality, keeping it requires staying on the moral high ground.

Little less bitterness might go a long way...or at least somewhere...

Running, running.
Fleeing to what end?
Seeking to find what life?
Such silly and well meaning naivety.

All the choices of life
and the consequences of pain
mixed with be and being.

Why is it so easy to be so dismissive and cynical about all humans...?

Yeah...

People.

So...sad.

Meh.

...words.

I am far too efficient at changing flat tires.
Damaged the spokes by making them too tight.
I actually bent steel by hand.

Believe me my body feels the pain from the effort...

I suppose that shouldn't be anywhere as funny as I simply find it to be...

"October" - U2

"Dust to dust,
Ashes in your hair remind me
What it feels like
And I won't feel again
Night descends
Could I have been a better person
If I could only do it all again

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
And the longing that you feel
You know none of this is real
You will find a better a place
In this twilight"

Nothing clever.
Nothing worth saying.
Just blind hope wanting to see.
Just some blind hope needing to see.

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

Redundancies

Such a strange mix of angst, fear, anxiety, depression, anticipation, self centered me-ism...circling, circling and just falling back into this weird mixture of life I have been falling into.

I keep getting these snatches of memory...of a child.
It couldn't have been me.
There was no fear.
Excitement.
Willing and wanting to talk.
Unreserved joy and wide eye wonder at the world.

None of The Darkness that has slinked into so much of my daily life.
Feeling those tendrils drift in and start choking the life from me.

Non-stop flashing of instants gone by.
Days, months, years, decades...time before I was.
All mixing.
Interchanging and making less sense by the day.


I have no hope in humans.
This ego of mine wishes I could be completely separated from this taint.
The weakness, the frailty and the disgusting mess of being flesh.
It is so hard to let go at all.
To stop worrying about the pain.
All the surgical scars and self sabotaging.

I want to run.
But the fool I am will not let me.
So I am stuck halfway.
Too tired to move forward but unable to return.

There is Truth beyond Truth.
Reality beyond myself.
A world waiting to be seen, touch, tasted, heard and felt.
Ultimate Reality that takes this dirty flesh and give meaning.
Nurture to my burning and parched soul.

I want to be alone.
But no one can hide from You.
I can lay in this misery and cry for rocks to hide me
but none can escape Your impossible love.
So much so that we pray for wrath
just to avoid the pain of change.

Blessed hope and redemption.

"Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?"

Psalm 26

"I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord,
singing a song of thanksgiving
and telling of all your wonders.
I love your sanctuary, Lord,
the place where your glorious presence dwells."
-Psalm 26: 6-8

Divine comedy.

"Oh
There's a hole inside my boat
And I need stay afloat
For the summer
Long

Oh
I've got something in my throat
I need to be alone
While I suffer"

Psalm 20

"In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem."
-Psalm 20:1-2

"Wish there was something real wish there was something true,
wish there was something real in this world full of you.

I want to but I can't turn back,
but I want to."

Some things are so absolutely funny that they are not even remotely humorous at all.

Psalm 18

"I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears."

-Psalm 18:1-6

Words are lacking.
Severally lacking.
What words can I offer,
in a spinning chaos
and pain
that keeps punctuating

But hope,
however distant
is breathing and living.

Pressing out of this precipice,
into Light, Life and Hope.

Psalm 15

"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever."
-Psalm 15:1-5

Bleary eyed, I'm looking across this room...this life and things keep flittering in and out of focus.

Why?
How?
When?

It feels as though I can look in any and every direction...and feel such uncertainty.

How did I get here?
The floating?
Was it flying?
Falling down holes and slipping until I made the length of life?

So much of me wants to find a place to run and hide to.
Wouldn't that be so wonderful?
Give in and just find somewhere to escape?
Or have I been running?
How long?
Where am I?

** ** ** **

"i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me I'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, I'm not sure when (and if) they happened

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but I'm not sure I'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

** ** ** **

There is this sacredness, this Heart, the Love, the insanity of Jesus' Love for his Bride...this impossible, this fear, this beauty, the wonder, the awesomeness, the overwhelming grace...

You have sought after, found and chased me...refusing to give up and let me be lost.

Saying thank you feels like such empty and trite words.

There is passion, love and so many things...but who am I?

You can look and see who I am.

Who I am not.

Who I will never be.

And find love.
Grace enough for me.
Things hurt.
They are scary.
There is hope.
Even in the pain and fear of uncertainty.

Despite the fear and pain, I know things do matter.
Can You help me continue to slowly change, clean and be made new?
I don't want pretension and fear to guide me...but grace.
Thanks...for so much, so long, so much grace.

These words are feeling unusually cheap as of late...

"Schrodinger's Catechism"

Second Hand Poems

Battered and bruised,
life moves on.
In and out,
finding rhyme,
moving outside
before dancing in
as the strings are pulled taught
before being released
and breaking in the waves
crashing on the shore.

Words casting shadows
as life fills doubt
and passes on words,
full of solidarity
and yet still lacking.
Words praying and hope
even while the feelings
sigh and hope.

What words may I use?
As I stare into the ethereal
and glimpse the spark of life
burning bright in your eyes,
what must I use to express?

Words of hope
and songs of glee,
battered thoughts
and whispers of jubilee?

Words, words and words.
Frail, beautiful and depressing words.
Expressions of humanity
mixed with naive devotion,
the need to be more
and see beyond this world of broken flesh.

What more can I see?
What more shall I say?

Words vanishing
and swept away
as this morning's dew and fog.
Lights pierce and dissipate
just as with our silly little lives.
But hope still remains,
hope that these things are yet to be finished
and that Love wins.

Love will carry.
Love will create.
Love will break.
Love will make anew.

And we shall walk hand in hand,
through the echoes of eternity,
safe with Father
and eternal hope
that every new day
can in fact be so very new.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

"We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

One last time

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down till the pain will stop"

"In the locust wind
Comes a rattle and hum
Jacob wrestled the angel
And the angel was overcome
You plant a demon seed
You raise a flower of fire
See them burning crosses
See the flames, higher and higher"

Psalm 9

"But the Lord reigns forever,
executing judgment from his throne.
He will judge the world with justice
and rule the nations with fairness.
The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed,
a refuge in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."
-Psalm 9:7-10

I can't fathom the impossibility of humans caring, loving and wanting to take care of one another.

I can't grasp a God who loves and never ceases to pursue His wayward and stupid bride.

Who am I?
What creature am I?
This guttural sounds disguised as words
and the self loathing
all worn like a badge of pride.

Who are You?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
first hours spent among animals and dung.
Ceaseless in love covered grace,
crushing the snake with Your heel
even as we drove the nails in.

Nothing can be the same.
The pain ripping me apart on the inside
as I fall from place to place.
I have lived here
but never do I wish to return.
I can cry, scream out for help
and hope for Your return.
To catch me in Your arms
and never cease to pour out Your love on such as I.


I suppose the hope I have is that You don't abandon those searching for You.
Even in my fear, the confusion, the pain...
Feeling so lost and disconnected...someway and somehow make the distance between us not seem so impossibly great as they are.

This chasm between the natural and supernatural.
Flesh and spirit.
All wrapped into one package.
So much pain.
So much confusion.
Oh the regret...

But not for you.
Freedom never could come from free.
Losing the claw marks from my skin,
just dead weight one could never miss.

"I want to go home."

I really need to be a nicer person.
Or at least make an attempt to be.
Or at acknowledge I'm human and the fact I don't act upon the latent desires to set certain people on fire as being a good thing.

Mostly.

"I've got a ticket to the moon,

I'll be leaving here any day soon,

Yeah, I've got a ticket to the moon,

But I'd rather see the sunrise, in your eyes.



Got a ticket to the moon,

I'll be rising high above the earth so soon,

And the tears I cry might turn into the rain,

That gently falls upon your window,

You'll never know.



Ticket to the moon

Fly, fly through a troubled sky

Up to a new world shining bright.

Flying high above,

Soaring madly through the mysteries that come,

Wondering sadly if the ways that led me here,

Could turn around and I would see you there,

standing there

Ticket to the moon,

Flight leaves here today from satellite 2,

As the minutes go by what shall I do,

I paid the fare but what more can I say,

It's just one way.

Ticket to the moon."

Bah.

What lunatics would trust me, much less want me as a leader?

Evidently these people.

Oie.

If nothing else this will at least make for an interesting ride and descent into chaos...

>_<

Who...me?
I think I meet those qualifications.

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need"

"And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

Oie.

Just...yeah...

There has to be a means by which to utilize my ongoing migraines as a fuel source.

If that is possible then I think I have just found a way to a brighter, happier non fossil fuel future.

Clean reliable migraine energy now with 73% more snark.

Woo.

"The farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything"

Reflecting on Recollection Having Gone Wild for some Odd Five Years Plus

Today.

Five years ago.

Give or take a few days.

Was my first attempt at working on my masters, doing seminary work up in Birmingham.

God that was such a miserable experience.
Anxiety.
Depression.
A lot of freaking strangers.
Quite a number of panic attacks.
Which was absolutely freaking pathetic.
Sitting in the parking lot of the church and trying not to throw up while shaking violently.

Years later I am still not even remotely sure what all of my triggers for that are...and I think I might have worked some of the self hate off...but really...

In ways I still struggle with not freaking out anytime I must be around large groups of strangers.

Or feeling I'm being watched.

Or judged.

It has to do with large groups of strangers and/or Christians.

I still can't believe all the pain I have caused because of my indecision, my fears and the need I have to run around and run away every time things seem too much.

I could just beat myself mercilessly.

Dance over my own pain.

But what good is just self destruction?

So strange.
I've had God whispering me to my whole life about how I am loved, I am wanted, I am beautiful, I am desired, I am wanted and that there is a place for me...but my selfish need for control...to beat myself bloody and scream at the top of my lungs until I am hoarse...until I am exhausted and in tears...how much I hate me, how much I hate you...how much I hate You for forgiving me.

Some heavy, dark, sometimes silly, sometimes nonsense and so often just a reminder that I am a tired, broken and weak child who is playing at living a life.

A quarter of a century old and I am still chasing after some of these same old ghosts.

Funny thing, how missing something...or never having had something can make a gap, this hole in you...that everything falls through...and is just pitch as night.

It's...so weird to talk to the few people I can't lie to.
If anything I would rather just run than ever tell them how bad things can be.
It's not that I do not trust them.
The weakness...and the fear...the...

All of those words.
Painful.
Unpleasant.
So much unseen.
Unknown.
I wish it could be easier.
And watch your smile,
see you across this distance
and know,
just know the dawn would come.
Baptized in love,
carried by these wings of grace.
Hope.
Hope.
Bursting from within,
pulsing inside my chest
and burning within my veins,
Love never letting me go
and carrying me
through the pain.

Murp.

So many thoughts and so many words spun and crafted in this dark.
Fevers, chills, shaking and confusion at what may yet be...

Goodness, wonder, hope and need to be Yours.
Never knowing but hoping
and being carried.

"ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi yo
kesenai kako mo seoi atte ikou ikiru koto wo nage dasanai de

tsunaida kimi no te wo

itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana
usurete iku egao to kimi wo mamoritai kara
hibiku boku wo yobu koe sae kare
toki ni sou kaze ni kaki kesaretatte
kimi wo mitsuke dasu

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro"

Fount of Eternal Confusion

Stuff never really seems to balance out around me.
I tend to either be stressed out and busy.
Or stressed out and nothing to do.
Sometimes I am off gallivanting on some metaphysical higher plane and return to find out that my body went into 'standby' which means collapsing on the floor from stressed and curling up into a ball while whimpering that "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." ...or maybe its "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Bah.
Point being is that when it rains it floods.
And it's always flooding in this neighborhood.

I've been approached to work on not one but TWO seperate television projects.
One is in directing/production on a tv pilot.
The other is writing and possibly helping to direct a(n) episode(s) of a TV series being picked up by Christian TV Networks.

I never thought I would actually write anything much less direct TV.

And I can blame this on 'Ghetto Zorro'.
Which deserves to be put up somewhere here on the net where it can't be taken down by hyper Nazi copyright youtube lawyers.

Speaking of writing...my, unbelievably, fifth NANOWRIMO starts in a few months...I'll be writing my fifth novel...and I started this when I was twenty-one, fresh out of university and free falling into a pit of depression and ill health...and now I am twenty-five and free falling into a puddle of depression and ill health...and I have some stubborn people who insist on pulling me out.

So if things are as I understand them the writing based projects coming up:

-Directing pilot.
-Helping write pilot, other episodes and directing one.
-Rough draft of Fifth novel.
-I've started organizing all of my novel/story notes and trying to make sense of my novels to see if this next one is going to be in the overall series or something new.
-As always adding to and editing my poetry.
-I'm going to be writing my Master thesis in the spring.
-I have been asked to do voice over work for an audio play.
-Looking at starting a video review series with my best friend.

With all of these projects I am going to be happy if I make enough money to at least buy a taco.

That is a worthy goal...right?
So many things...yet at times I feel so distant and unsure.
I suppose that is life.
I never knew what to pray for...and yet here you are.
In my life, such vivid reality I never knew could be.

Life isn't just a downward spiral of decay.
Life and death.
Pain and progress.
But sometimes...sometimes the rain stops.
The rainbow does shine.
And the dreams you dare to dream do come true.

Words really are so much more difficult to gather and utilize than they used to be...such is life I suppose...

Hrmph...

Twenty-Five-Thousand hits in five years?

Five thousand hits a year?

That is...so...nutty.

Squawk, Squawk and Gambling

The thing that has no cease to haunt me for well over a decade is the fact I sill do not know if I was and am doing ministry for God...or for this self indulgent egomaniac and self-promoted bastard child of Christendom.



Yes it matters.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No attempt at helping and serving can be properly rewarded until things come full circle and the pain is restored.

Who I am would not be recognizable for who I was.
The worsening health, the limp, the dark circles, the snarky and sardonic humor...still the only true redeemable aspect is that one thing that has never had ANYTHING to do with me...

Christ love.
Christ grace.
Chasing after the wayward children just so when they turn around they can fall into the arms of the Lover.

And who am I?
Reflections in the dark,
room lit by a screen and sun struggling to break free.

I'm so weary.
So tired.
I'm cynical with stripes of hope,
begging that if the pain cannot be lifted
that at least a hand to hold
and if there is no hand hold,
to at least touch me with grace
so that something good can come of this bile.

"A Roman Catholic in Southern Baptist’s Clothing”

"The Paradoxical Commandments" by Kent M. Keith

"People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Be good anyway.
Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People need help, but may attack you if you do help them. Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway."

Cynicism is so easy...such a lazy means of being.
The urge to rude and hide grows...clings and burrows to my soul.
New...old...nothing and everything.

So much to miss.
Ache to see.
Feel the sun again,
and know the world will be renewed.

Sheer hilarity of life never ends.
However...I am so blessed at the same time.
Some wonders are afoot...

I really need to remember to celebrate on the 20th...one of the best days of my life...with no hyperbole.

Freedom never came for free.
And certainly that was a miracle I didn't know I was looking for.

...what an arguably sad waste of human genetic material.
And for once this isn't a veiled self focused attack concerning how much disdain I hold for myself...

It...is...just people.
And sadness.

There isn't one person...one thing, life is more...more confusing and less sense making...and I feel like...

It will all be washed away by the ebbs and flows of time.
A truer horror show never has been known.

Wow.
Humanity sucks.
I really should work on that...

Meek Meanings

Oh the things I thought...the words that were said.
So silly.
So silly.
All in passing and all is fading.
All is so silly, so fleeting.
Words cast about in new light,
burning as it were
losing all that meaning.
Acid etched in the mind,
on the soul
and such belligerent numb feelings.

...Ann?

o_O

Scattered Lights

The anger and bitterness...
It's tangible.
The taste is in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened.
Maybe it just is.

Black and white
while wrapped in gray,
I stand here
looking out to sea,
wandering
just when,
when I might might
look and see,
find You standing here
alongside me.

Whispers of a Muse
from across the channels of life
and I miss you.

More than words,
sentiment or feelings
just the sad truth
of a wanderer who has broken down.

Pretending to be
the sort of man
I could never be,
sitting and looking out.

It's a new day,
new sunrise
and soon to fall.

New way,
new life
and hopes.

It's not about finishing order.
It's about survival.

Humanity is such a sad waste of life and oxygen...

Only

Hemph.

Not sure why...or how...or even a what...

The harder I try to fit in...really the less I do.
The more the reason why I see I just don't belong.
More and more.
A quarter of a century into this...train wreck lovingly called life...
I just don't have it in me to play...

I'm not really sure who, what, when, why...any of it, any of it...

Things are so superficial with so many people.
Maybe it's been the reclusive nature of the summer...but the more I'm around people, the worst I feel...the more alien...the more dirt that seems to flow through my veins, sticking like mud.

I've got nothing and have nothing to really offer or give...
Just these jaded and skewed views.
That may or may not be...or not...

Honestly...that is even a part of it.
Honesty.
Regression.
Regret.

If only it was a simple as brushing things past and moving on.
There are somethings...others...
Nothing?
Relative.
Oh if only...

Only this, only that
and every shade
the truth could be colored in
and framed for all to see.

Truth ever so subjective
and brought under the whims
of the poison
via the vox populi,
a vis-à-vis of the soul
just like you imagined.

It's all fiction
and some lies
mixed with feel goodness.
Right?

I can't take this drink
or dance to this song,
all I want is the dark
and silence to be wrapped in.

Everything has become so spread out
and feeling so flawed,
infected by imperfections
and cancers.

Only this,
only that
and every way you twist the truth
to help you swallow it.

Shame and pain
and maybe just a sprinkle of powder
or whatever venom
it is you draw with.

Goodnight, Farewell Regression

I wouldn't know what to do with so much hope if it wasn't delivered while I wasn't looking.

So many of my fears, uncertainties and broken memories...come back from this lack of trust.

I run, try to run from myself...and so many thing suffer.
I cause so much indecisive pain because of fear...

Curious.
And sad.

So much,
so little
and time is passing...fading from sight.

Even the pain can look beautiful
when seen from perspective
and time enough to heal.

I never thought I would grow weary of words for their own sake.

From Here to There, Eternity's Breadth During a Breath

I've got nothing
and all busy being a nobody.
Life happens while looking the other way
and falls together while I consider.

Beauty in the moment,
passing and fading
as much as you are you.

Reminding, the fall and pain.
What is the point of such,
silly embracing of pain and sin?

The hands shake, break and fall apart,
past here and there
with the awaking thoughts
and dawn of horror.

Who am I?
Why should my concerns carry weight?

Being, trying, feeling, reminding,
falling, sinning, collapsing,
...all it's own sin.

Such worry for its own sake.
Sin running circles around itself
and reminding life for its own sake.

Life isn't grace to be wasted,
drank away
and spat on by my sins.

Grace, beauty in its ability to hunt,
follow and never leave me alone.
Beauty wanting and willing to chase
no matter the extent of my stupidity.

I want to scream,
roar in pain
and make this about me.
A drama
and stage play
all revolving around,
spinning about me.

Pragmatic idealist...was that it?

That should be pragmatic dreamer...or really anything that is a reminder of my contradictory silliness.

Yay for being a pragmatic realist.

Scattered thoughts...all across the horizon.
Time is spent far too quickly, just as expensive as blood.
Where are things going?
Spinning out of sync?
At least there is healing in the silence.
Redemption even of this hour.

Too many thoughts...and nowhere enough time or ability to make sense of them.

I can't keep track of all the memories.

I suppose in ways it would be nice to find a way to just purge things...organize, find a way to make sense of things...

Nothing is slowing down or stopping to make sense.
It just continues to spiral off in directions all helter skelter like.

A Quarter of a Century

Meep.

Such a silly roller coaster of health.

I always plan on writing some long introspective piece about my life on this day...but it just doesn't happen.

Which is a metaphor for life.
I think part of the reason I am not writing as much...is because when I am busy living life...I forget to write.

Most of my problems occur when I have far too much free time to lay down, think and hurt.

Sure I've spent most of today alone in a physical sense...but I have had phone calls, voice mails and emails from wonderful people.

I can get out and see people any day...it says something when people put forth the effort to come find you.

I am far, far, far too tired and sick to spend it at a loud, busy and dramatic place...instead I look forward to spending it with just a couple of people...here, later, another time, another place...another way, another day...maybe even another Age.

Time with continue to flow.

With or without me.

While I am here...I need to breath, to feel myself rocked by the ebb and flow of time...that I was born for this day, this age...purpose.

Purpose I may never understand.

But I try, I will try and will never give up.

I can say thank You Father, with an exhausted and knowing smile.
I will doubt.
I will hurt.
But this heart, this soul cannot be killed.
I will get sicker.
The flesh will fail...but one day all of this will be healed.
Everything made new.

Until then I hope in an impossible God whose love has carried me further then I ever thought possible.

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

And...I'm about to be a quarter of a century old.
Good heavens.
I need to reevaluate this whole aging and growing up thing.

Despite my passive aggressive silliness...being the bigger person is always nice.

Moral high ground for the win.

Hrmm...it may be slightly evil that I cackle every time I realize that I am freed from and no longer have to tolerate certain people and their questionable...immaturity.

Cackle that I am free and that some other much more naive and foolish person than I is the acting man of the hour...or minute as it were.

Less fever, less chills and being able to stand up without the world spinning and trying to throw me off of it.

Woohoo!

Evidently whatever that doesn't kill me, or cause me to spontaneously combust, may make me stronger.

Or just weaker until I have a group of my Mitochondria team up and cause me to blow up like in "Parasite Eve".

Plus side, I won't need a night light for reading while it goes on.

Although being burned and sort of a dead husk might put a damper on the plans for getting a doctorate.

But being know as 'Professor Explosion' or 'Doctor X-OMG-FDHAX-WTF?!? Explosions!' just has so much potential.

...although getting it to fit on the name tag will prove problematic...

What is it with me and being sick?
I don't know how many days...or really months I have spent in bed.
Sick.
At least I am in the Continental United States.
And not in a completely foreign bed.
Yay for pit packs, damp cloths, orange Gatorade and being able to just breath.

Even though I do not know how I got here...I'm grateful to have made it.

I can't wait to see a smile...help return it...and brighten that day.

Chills and a fever!

Wooo!

The fact God not only loves but chases after us silly people...such an impossible and improbable miracle...that only grows more beautiful by the day.

Day Three of the Migraine

Perhaps the most annoying thing of all is I can't find refuge in sleep.

The plus side...is that despite how frustrating and confusing things are with life, school, the universe...well everything...I am silly enough to still have hope.

A cynical hope that is tempered with my sardonic humor...but hope that goes from here through the depths of eternity...that if my God, my Jesus, loves me then He can and does love all.

It just gets a bit complicated from there.

Blue and Orange Morality

I can't really sit in smug judgement.
But the more I learn about some people...and most importantly how little regard they treat others...I find nothing more disgusting.

That someone would go out of their way to use...lead and draw others on...I am not sure there is a worst evil than exploiting a vulnerable person...

God help them.
And God help me to not become a smug hypocrite that will do this and spread hatred.

Yay for migraines lasting twelve hours and still counting!

=D

Life.
Words.
Meaning.

Amazing 14 foot long scarf.
Family, friends...well friends that are family...and love.

Caring.
Beauty.
Impossible beauty in this painful life.

Beautiful meaning of words that are played out in life.
Things I could never be.
Things I could never see.

Acceptance and want of me.
So silly.
Impossible.
But warm socks.

Such great, wonderful and beautiful things.

I am not sure what it looks like...but there is always hope.
Not for every cause.
Not for every reason.
Not for every flutter of my heart.

But a steady, living, pulsing hope that this broken physical shell is not the end.
Just the beginning of so much.
So very much.

It still disturbs me to no end that The Nostalgia Chick looks exactly like a girl that I had a crush on for such a long time.

o_O

It is so strange to not...be writing so much.
A block.
Ridiculous emotional sentiments that are unwanted.

Concerning myself with things that have no concern, no meaning, no sense of anything to do with me...and yet, I include myself...

So strange.
More than ever I just feel like a stranger looking out from the eyes of a body, of a soul, of a person who isn't me...

I ask...I wonder...

Is this my smile?
Is that my voice speaking?
Are these my hands that shake from pain and stress?

Being alive, having life itself is a miracle...
But I am not other boys...other...men, dare I say.
I don't look at women as cattle.
Things to own, brand, use, consume and destroy.
Life has meaning.
All life.
Even when I am confused and hurting.

Which is why I must pray.
Not to try and move God.
But that maybe, finally, I can be moved out of this vacuum, this void of pain.

Hmm more frustrations.
With a side of hopefulness.

"What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill
The final places?
How should I complete the wall...?"

God I hate cynicism.
It's a cancer eating at me.
Ripping at my soul.
Reminding me of being human.

If I could just judge and write off people...I could be as selfrighteous as I wanted.
God look at me.
Do you see your son?
The pain and misery around me?
Just a glimpse of it all?


I'm having trouble caring or keeping focus,
when all I do is want it to end.
To have the pain finish
and conclude.

I have more words...too many words.
Wasted words.
Exhausted words.
Bloodies, bruised and battered words.

Words that make me ask...why, how and what for?
So much pain, so much pointlessness.

And THAT is why I hate humans.
All of it, every last one, can't stand the toxic, disgusting and degenerating smell of the rot...the lies, the betraying...the stabbing at the first opportune moment...

But the beauty of Christ...carrying so much pain, the anguish and sins...

I am not perfect.
I cannot love.
But God can love.
Can love even through one as broken as I.

That is a miracle beyond words.

"Postherpetic neuralgia is thought to be nerve damage caused by herpes zoster (shingles). The damage causes nerves in the affected dermatomic area of the skin to send abnormal electrical signals to the brain. These signals may convey excruciating pain, and may persist or recur for months, years or until death."

Well my outlook on life certainly is sky high at this point. v_v

After a decade...a literal decade, I just figured out how to import music into RPG Maker XP.

Surely apotheosis is but a few steps away.

Words...words...words...

So much, so little going on...

I should focus on healing...but I can't help but be worried...not to excuse worry...it's just...so hard to trust God knows what He is doing.

As silly as it sounds.

I never want to let go because letting go requires faith and believing that I do not know everything or can fix everything...

So...so...painful.
But needed.
Letting go...being free...

I'm so freaking awesome that I do not have one...but TWO kidneys full of stones.

If I was anymore awesome I would spontaneously combust.

So much freaking pain...it has a purpose...but seriously...threshold.

#_#

Note to self:

Adjust all of the ringtones so that instead of having a sooth melody that causes one to fall asleep, make the noise blaring and loud in order to not miss important phone calls.

Distance but Not Always Seeing

Eternity is a ship out of port
but it's a pathway stretching two ways,
from here until there
but why can I not see You today?

I'm holding my breath,
having anticipation
and anxiety
with such splendid pains
that keep me building towers,
all that I can look
with the hope
that You,
You may cross my line of vision
and I can let go
falling deeper in love with You.

Whispers of a long lost Muse
and nerve endings
digging in with fire burning claws,
screaming for a healing kiss
and a touch of peace,
but we live in a world of constant war,
pain and strife are dime a dozen
with sorrow on the sleeve.

I believe as I doubt,
hand in hands
holding tight as I run,
from here until eternity,
stretched out in pain
but hoping.

Fear and malady
as I let go
falling fast and free,
the wind in my hair
as I blow a kiss
with not a care
or ability to miss
whatever this life was supposed to be.

Instead it's in this moment
where I look and wander,
here...there...the key unlocks
and all this overflows.

This whole never ending chronic pain thing is simply becoming exasperating.

All the joints, and I mean all the blasted things, are hurting right now.

Wrists, fingers, knees, elbows, toes...it's not a joint but my freaking neck/head.

I am wanting to laugh my head off.

I am in so much pain that I honest to God would cry tears of joy for a shot of morphine...but I am laughing with tears because of how absurd it is for a twenty-four year old male with little "logical" reason for being in so much pain.

Jesus is utterly cracked and I am with Him on that notion.

Dim Echoes, Fading Lights

Not all memories are painful...but some are...

The one's I have lost.

Some to age, some to death...some far too young...and yet others beyond what I could have hoped...

...others to circumstances, distance and time...

I still think of you.
Pray for you...even though conversation seem to no longer be possible...
I have hope that we can speak one day.
Even if it's after this Age has passed.

I can wait.
Waiting is what I'm good at.
Right?
When the echoes of time fade...
...and all of the sparks grown dim.
When life as we have known is no more
and everything is healed
brought to life
and restored to its proper place.

Maybe,
just maybe
then,
you and I,
may walk beside the crystal sea.
Converse and feel the endless warmth
of eternal Love
and being healed.

"Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall."

Meep.
Moorgle.
Bleh.
Merfh.

Things...are such a jumble mess...that I can't sort it all out in my mind...or on paper.

Not bad.
Not horrible.
Not the end of the world.

Just a confusing mess.
Somethings are quite clearly so idiotic that I can't bring myself to worry or feel insecure jealousy over.

This time, last year, I was busy digging myself a grave with depression, stupidity and well meaning intentions...

Silly waste of time.
Silly waste of effort.

I just can't bring myself to care.
About that at least.
What is the point of worry, when it concerns broken and flawed humans screwing up all they care to?

It is sort of amazing how destructive free will...and people's inability to cope with the 'need' to choose.

"Lived to death."?
A stock phrase purchased in the realm of stupidity.
Try learning for other people's mistakes before self-destruction becomes your best friend.

It's what I did and I am just smug enough to chuckle sadly while watching things and people burn down around me.

It's one of those sad, empty and distant chuckles...but a chuckle all the same....so fully of irony and being sardonic.

Meep.

So tired of feeling...sickness.

Plus side...new day, new sunrise...new hope and a chance...a chance for life.

Treading Softly at Night

Distance...so close and yet,
further and further it seems.

Dreams sliding in and out of reality
as causality takes the blame.

Unexpected visions of what to come
or mere lies in the mists of time?

...or maybe it's not too complicated.
Maybe my over thinking is the complication...

Amazing how I can do everything except for that which I truly want to do.

Life isn't a black and white...right or wrong sort of thing...but trying to understand my own thoughts, emotions, wants, needs...everything, any of it...is just so confusing...and painful.

Why do I always want to run away?
Hide away and not look back?
Lock myself away inside my own mind...and letting everything else slip?


Being human...is far too complicated.

"Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside"

"Nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care"

"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

"Laugh until you cry, live until you die"

Organic Vehemence

So many thoughts.
So very many thoughts.
So few times I thought I understood love.
Just pale pinings out for a muse for my musings.

Out of place.
Out of time.
Out of sync with realities reality.

I see you across this vast ocean of stars,
diamonds twinkle in your eyes
and I just hold my breath for the untold,
cajoled and begging for an answer.

Perfection was never your case
and here I stand
divided by the ocean of time,
ebbs and eddies beckon out,
"Come forth, come forth and dance!
Dance this eternal waltz
and see where time may go!"

Seeing my every sin
like the posters on your wall
is making me hurt.
Turning my stomach
and bringing up the bile
just seeing your smeared make up
and the vile you spew.

Who said love can't hurt?
Who said to love is to lose is to lose?
If everything falls into place,
will you love me until the end
and until the end of this ocean?

Quite clearly, if checking one's voice mail causes them to almost breakdown crying, there might be underlying issues.

I want to write about the futility of love and emotions.
How it is all utterly pointless.
We are all going to die.
Every stupid human being is going to die.
Being married, having a family, taking care of others and being in school will have next to no meaning.

Death is an impossible wiping clean of the slate.

If there is "luck" to be found in faith, things will not be the same.

But still, everything as it is will be gone.
Dead.
Erased.
Burned.
Made new.

I don't enjoy the pain of my body.
Nor the fear and guilt in my mind.

Something new.
Something old.
And this world is broken and used.

I want to believe, hope in love...but my faith is so weak.
My emotions so scattered on the winds.
The easiest choice in the world would be self destruction.
Not temperance or choosing to not numb the pain.

Maybe it's righteousness.
Or maybe pure stupidity.

I miss...

It doesn't matter who I miss.
It all ends the same.
But...the hope is that the end isn't an end.

New beginnings, God I so desperately cling to that hope.
Nothing else makes any sense.
Has, can or will make sense.

Redacted Processes

I've got nothing at this late hour.
Just empty bottles and exhaustion...

I have reasons to smile,
a couple to cry
and every reason to live
and just a few to die.

What more can I write?
What else should I say?
The words were never mine,
the path was sometimes a choice
but everything
is heading to a climax,
something unseen.

I won't be sitting with the haughty,
laughing at the end.
I might just be in the background,
pushing on
and hoping to bring some help,
a touch of healing to this diseased world.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Proper use and abuse.
Too much and too little,
with everything You have ever seen and lived.

Dreams and poetry,
hope with broken wings,
flying over jagged glass
that has overflowed into waves.

Breathing can be difficult
from such dizzily heights
and hope for nothing and everything.

Isaiah 13

"Scream in terror, for the day of the Lord has arrived—
the time for the Almighty to destroy.
Every arm is paralyzed with fear.
Every heart melts,
and people are terrified.
Pangs of anguish grip them,
like those of a woman in labor.
They look helplessly at one another,
their faces aflame with fear."
-Isaiah 13:6-8

Yeah.
It's passages like these that make me feel awkward about Christian Pacifism.
Not to say it makes me feel it's okay for Christians to act on anger and violence but this passage illustrates that as much as I like to think of God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and grace...that there comes a limit to where God will no longer hold back.

I can't help but feel eternal judgements are not something that catches the person off guard...if there is not that willingness to reject Christ, the Gospel and God's love...then where is the justice?

Ultimately God is just and I am not.
He is Holy and I am not.
He is Truth and I am playing at being a scholar of something I scarcely can grasp.

War, disasters, pain, famine, disease, genocide, hatred, destruction all happen...will happen, have happened and will continue to happen...and I don't think it's too far off base to say that is not how God works...this Age...to show judgement, at least until The End.

This is a fallen world...my heart is overflowing with sin, lust, hate, guilt, remorse and God only knows what else.

God doesn't delight in this death and destruction.
Jesus weeps for His lost children.
But He will not be mocked and let evil go unpunished.

It's not about a list of right/wrong and getting enough salvation points...it's about us being hopelessly trapped in this circle of hate/abuse and it taking Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving up His life as a sacrifice for us.

Not just death...blood for more blood...but a final act to bring redemption and salvation to this broken world.

Broad strokes to help start the fixing, the healing...that in the next Age will be complete.

Words and exhausted thoughts.
Meh.
Meep.

Can I blame others for their happiness?
No.

Can I blame them for their miseries?
No.

All I can do is look, see, touch and experience what little my filters will allow me.

Too much thought for too little sleep and too much demented.

Hours of reading, thinking, processing and just wishing things could be easier for others...and wishing I could send emails with regret or confusion.

I want to be understood but sometimes not at all.
Jesus is the only One who knows all of me.
And I suppose that is the best.
Trust is a fickle thing.
The jagged pain of sharing and being honest jut out.

If only it was as simple as playing pretend.