Sunday, October 3, 2010

Medial Malaise Melody

"Who has believed our message?
To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
the sins of us all."
-Isaiah 53:1-6


Sometimes I forget who I am and where I am going.
One of the hardest things to do when you are lost in the woods is see the entire perspective, that old adage of "Not seeing the forest because of the trees"

For those who have or do go through chronic pain on a nearly daily basis you know what I mean. I wake up in the morning wondering if I am going to be sick and able to attend class or if things will be alright until I eat something.

Friday I found out the results of the biopsies from the tests were all negative. It is great that I am not suffering from some sort of cancer, Chron's disease, Lupus (although it is NEVER Lupus) or spontaneous human combustion. Even though it is none of those problems the fact that there IS no label or real way of expressing what is wrong with me.

For once the doctor I saw believed I was sick and in excruciating pain. However the best he could come up with is just my fibromyalgia is just amplifying what might otherwise be a mild case of IBS and pending check up visits with him I've sort of exhausted the avenues of medical science once again.

If nothing else at least my body is persist in staying sick.
If you gotta do something wrong, you might as well do it right, right?


I am not the sort of person who tries to super spiritualize every little thing in life but something as aggressive and life changing as perpetual sickness has to have some bearing in my life...in other words if I wasn't so sick and dealing with these problems I would not be who I am today.

That opens up a very interesting dimension to life.

For all rights and purposes my doctor was right in thinking I was crazy to continue school while being so sick, but honestly, what else can I do except try?
I would rather try and fail every single class this semester then cancel my classes and just lay in bed all day writing very bad poetry.

I don't want to sound like a martyr and I hate feeling like I may somehow be using my sickness to garner sympathy or support. There are people in this world who suffer much more than I do...in ways I guess that may be my point.

I have had a couple of rather amazing friends say to me to find a way to "give this disease back to God" a way to make something beautiful come out of something that is stupefyingly horrible.

I have a unique look at life because of being so sick.
I have seen too many hospitals, have had more blood taken and IV's started then I care to remember...but each one of those hospital visits is a part of the construction in making me the Matt Pike I was, I am and I will be.

There is something absolutely amazing with that passage from Isiah, it predicts that Jesus will be a "man of constant sorrows", one that is infinitely familiar with rejection, ridicule and hatred for daring to go to those that were deemed "dirty", "unclean" and not worthy of grace (not that any are but it seems the religious prig is always ready to point the finger) and even those who killed him.

What an insane Messiah, one who doesn't care about our idea of polite society and the sort of deity you can't simply say to hush and please stop talking about eating and drinking his blood and flesh.(John 6:47-55)

It's almost like because I am in this pain and have to make choices...every choice, every decision sort of has much grander and much lasting effects than if I was not in pain or so sick all the time.

I really do believe in being honest to God and there is nothing more asinine then pretending we are okay when we are quite clearly not. I try to lie and hide from people about how sick I can be...but why try to fool the one that put me together?

I care enough to voice my thoughts of doubt, of pain and just how life can be so insane...not just for me but the kind of world we live in where it seems we are always just a single heart beat away from immense pain.

And the resounding reply from above that I have heard of lately has been, "If you care so much, then do something about it."

Just like they were saying...take this pain and be honest, be candid, be yourself...ultimately show people the daily miracle of grace that makes life what it is.

Maybe that sounds too hokey or mystical...but what else can I do?
What else should I do?
People (read that as I) are always happy to point out how bad things are, how worse life is getting...but few are willing to actually stand there and do something lasting, effective...something beyond meetings and strategies.

The past few years have been what I would consider the wanderings in the wilderness. I still do not see where I am going...but no matter how dark the path seems there have been an infinite number of blessings and people to prop me up and help me.

I think the most perplexing part is that those who do not share my convictions and beliefs have been some of my biggest supporters during this time. Life is too great and too terribly beautiful to ever be able to give proper thanks to you all.

Even in my most nihilistic moments...I think I will be able to look back and see the grace that helped me make it here, that it was all worth it...and I will only be able to mumble a very small thanks and finally be Home.

Proverbs 3

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it’s in your power to help them.
If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”

Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.

Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly."
-Proverbs 3:27-32

God you confuse me and I rarely understand what is going on.
However as I have been force to admit in recent memory is that love doesn't require understanding.

Being in pain and sick so often...I guess you get a little perspective of what matters because who knows what tomorrow may bring, assuming there is even one?

What good does being mad accomplish?
What can my rage do?
The only thing positive that can come out of it...comes from you, letting you mold my actions and my intentions into something...more, more, more.

Why do I breath?
Live?
Strive beyond this moment for something else?
Something more?
What am I living for?

How much of life is open to making mistakes, walking and crossing over, tumbling, falling and savoring?

Everything is...everything in its own way...but...there is so much doubt and fear for one I never seem to shut up complaining to.

Oie.

Peace, hope and love...so far away, so far from my understanding...but grace...pure grace. God's grace...my comfort, my salvation, my rock...my Love.

Quote of the Day:

"Maybe there is a touch of insanity to think you or I could really make a difference, knowing who we are, that we could somehow change the course of history. If it's normal to wake up in the morning and just try to make it through the day, then I vote for abnormality. I choose insanity."
-Erwin Raphael McManus
Oh dear Father, why why why did I eat dinner?

>_< blaarghsss....
"Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."
Another day of pain and medication.
I keep loosing track of time.
Up is down, left is right and my heart's rhyme is off tempo.

Sometimes I wonder where I am, where I am going and if I have already arrived.

I really do not like how the medication makes me feel...but sometimes it makes the pain my body is in decrease.

Sometimes it feels like I have just been in pain my entire life and that is all there is or will ever be.

My Savior, my Love, my Lord, my Daddy, my King, my Maker...all of these you are...please, please heal me.
Reduce or remove the pain...

I know I ask in vain because I at least know...it is for a reason.
The reason would not make sense to me and I would never be brave enough to have picked this road on my own.

But here stand, You and I.
Forever entwined and even when I falter and fail, you love me all the same.