God, the Cosmic Dentist

Which is worse to deliver to someone, bad news or no news at all?

I hate giving people bad news but I find having no real news to be so much more frustrating after building up hope that I was finally on the way out of this sickness.

The invasive test today was painful, annoying, embarrassing, awkward and even though biopsies were taken there is very little chance of them showing anything new.

Until the doctor gets the results from the biopsy and has a chance to review the CT film there really is not much else that can be done. Tentatively he is calling this a postinfectious case of IBS(from either the Dysentery from China in 2005 or the Diverticulitis that payed me a recent visit) which is being amplified by my low pain tolerance and my old and dear friend fibromyalgia.

Despite my rather cheeky response of how things can't be worse and "At least I am not currently engulfed in flames" I really am too tired to try and make a clever joke to try and defuse the situation. I am frustrated and tired from being in pain. I am so sick of having to take large amounts of medication to just scrape out the most basics of function.

How long will these symptoms persist?
How much worse can this really get?
A lot of people I talk to who have fibromyalgia have to file for disability by their 30's because of being unable to cope with the pain and their loss of functionality. I can't think of anything for me that would be more horrible than that...the fact I can barely make it to my classes upsets me but the thought of not being able to do anything is what I would consider my own personal Hell.

I am not really even sure why I am bothering to write all this out and post it online...I hate to complain I would rather just suffer in silence and grin and bear it rather than risk inconveniencing someone.

However, the one rule I made for myself when I started my blog "Recollections Gone Wild" is that I would never censor myself from the truth. I would never name names but be honest about my struggles, failures, joys, successes and just how generally insane life is and how awkwardly beautiful God is.

And life feels insane right now.
I feel much too tired to do anything and the last thing I want to do on Monday is drive back to Mobile to desperately try and catch up in class...but what other options do I have?

Lay in bed and suffer?
Give up on living life?
Just stop caring about dreams?
Check out before the day drags on anymore?

One thing I have tried to always do is be honest about my relationship to God. It is so important to me that I try to never disguise or hide doubts and struggles...what is the point? Jesus created me so he already knows what I think and putting on a fake pious attitude helps no one, much less me.

I have never been one to just sit and wait for a burning bush to roll into my room and toss me a clipboard with a list and map of what to do with my life...but honestly at this point I am not thinking that far ahead or even wanting to.

The fact I have a glass of tea, my cat beside me and music to help stir my soul is the most relief I am going to have for now...maybe for awhile.
I'm not giving up on life as much as I am just so worn down and need to rest...maybe things will look bigger, brighter or shiny in the morning.

I don't know.
I honestly do not know.
God scares me to no end because there is no promise or guarantee things will get easier. Contrary to the rabid Pollyanna thought of well meaning Christians, the only thing Jesus promises is that he will be with us and that we will suffer. In fact it seems those God wants to us more he lets go deeper into the grind and suffer.

This quote from C.S. Lewis kind of sums up my thoughts right now:


"The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed - might grow tired of his vile sport - might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety.

But supposed that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take you choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.

Either way, we're for it.

What do people mean when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?" Have they never even been to a dentist?""
-C.S. Lewis

(Even More) Medical Mystery Fun

For those keeping tabs on how things are going for me health wise I have another appointment at UAB at noon tomorrow to have some rather invasive testing done to determine the state of the infection in my GI track and the proper course of action for treating it. I can't say I am exactly thrilled about more poking and prodding but it seems like for the first time in YEARS I have a real shot at having things change for the better.

It's been a bit of a rough and tumble week with being sick, trying to keep up with homework while being three hours from school...and for once in my life I am actually missing the convenience of the cafeteria's food. I have also missed classes, walking across the campus, tea with amazing friends and the sort of general insanity I have come to expect from being at UM.

Life is sort of funny in the sense that things rarely turn out the way we think they would or even could...and yet there is so much beauty in the unexpected turns. I don't think many of us would have chosen the path we are on if we knew how much the pain would be...yet no matter how dark it gets or how vivid the pain there is still so much potential, so much hope...so much goodness left in the world.

There is every reason in the world to give into despair and quit but I have refused to...just looking beyond the superfical pain that runs throughout this world and below it there is so much good. I have seen that goodness in all of your prayers, mugs of tea, messages, hugs, book, stories, in class, laughing and just being there to listen and care have helped me in so many ways.

Thank you again and again.
Thank you.


"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first."
-1 John 4:12-19